I'm reading Daniel Goleman's new book 'Social Intelligence'. It's a companion to his bestseller 'Emotional Intelligence' and promises to go into the whys and wherefores of social interaction from a scientific point of view.
I'm a couple of chapters in and so far I'm intrigued. He says that a test of how much you get on with someone is to look at how much your body language imitates each others unconsciously as you talk. If you put a whole lot of energy and expression into telling a story and get only half as much back, you're not connecting as well as if your partner gives you what you're giving them.
What do you think of this? If a small group of people is gathered with no purpose or leader designated, the tone and sense of leadership will be set by the person with the most expressive face.
Much of the research he's discussing tallies in with the thoughts from Quiet Leadership as well as the Relationship Development Intervention (RDI) material we're going through to work with our Autistic Spectrum son.
God made us very complex little beasts.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Thursday, December 28, 2006
They say vulnerability breaks the ice...
Since we've moved in, we've been getting to know the neighbours. But not in the way we might have planned.
First, the washing machine broke in the move, so we had to do three lots of washing in other people's houses (including a bucket of dirty nappies.)
Then we left one set of keys in Sydney when we returned home after an hour's drive at 8.30pm on Christmas night to find that the other set, which we had not checked, was not complete and we couldn't get into the house. Hmmm. Knocked on the neighbours door (church folk, and no, we hadn't met them) to get them to help. He used his power tools to grind off the hinges of one of the doors to break into the house at 10pm.
Then, we arrived home a bit exhausted from our fourth Sydney Christmas party, got ourselves amidst much kerfuffle into the house, turned around and said, "Where's the dog?" He had snuck under the gate (our next job to fix) and run away. A phone call to the local ranger turned him up at a lovely couple's place down the street. And if we thought we wanted to keep it quiet, it turns out that she's a parishioner as well.
They do say that being vulnerable is a good way to make friends with the neighbours...
First, the washing machine broke in the move, so we had to do three lots of washing in other people's houses (including a bucket of dirty nappies.)
Then we left one set of keys in Sydney when we returned home after an hour's drive at 8.30pm on Christmas night to find that the other set, which we had not checked, was not complete and we couldn't get into the house. Hmmm. Knocked on the neighbours door (church folk, and no, we hadn't met them) to get them to help. He used his power tools to grind off the hinges of one of the doors to break into the house at 10pm.
Then, we arrived home a bit exhausted from our fourth Sydney Christmas party, got ourselves amidst much kerfuffle into the house, turned around and said, "Where's the dog?" He had snuck under the gate (our next job to fix) and run away. A phone call to the local ranger turned him up at a lovely couple's place down the street. And if we thought we wanted to keep it quiet, it turns out that she's a parishioner as well.
They do say that being vulnerable is a good way to make friends with the neighbours...
Friday, December 22, 2006
Anne Boleyn - God's woman at God's time
I read a great book about Anne Boleyn, the second wife of English King Henry VIII, while on holidays. My husband looked at it and said, "Anne Boleyn? Isn't she the one with six fingers?"
The folklore and popular stories about Anne Boleyn are worse than just six fingers. She's commonly reputed to be an adulterer, to have seduced King Henry VIII, to have thrown huge temper tantrums and to have been incredibly ugly with an 'incubus' on her neck and other signs of devilishness at the time.
I'm no historian, but Joanna Denny the writer of the book makes a great case for this all being complete rubbish. She argues that the evidence shows these stories to be slander, disinformation and deliberate character assassination by the religious power block of the day.
Why? Because according to the evidence, Anne Boleyn was a key player in ushering in the evangelical reformation in England, undoing the power of the dominant church, and influencing Henry to break from Rome.
Denny shows Anne to be a committed evangelical believer, who read and valued the reformer books and English translations of the Bible which were banned throughout England. She and her father, Thomas Boleyn were influential in protecting people like Tyndale and other reformed theologians and thinkers.
Rather than be a seducer, Denny shows her to be a woman in the unenviable position of being pursued by a capricious king who never took 'no' for an answer. She was refused permission by the King to marry anyone else. However, she removed herself from court and refused to jump into bed with him for the years in which he wrangled about divorcing Catherine.
In the end, she saw her position as given by God for a purpose - to bring England to the gospel faith as written in the Bible. She was the 'Queen Esther' of her day, a woman in a difficult position who used her brains and wits to stay faithful to God and to work for his glory.
The typical path of life for women in her rank was either the mistress - used for pleasure, or the baby maker - producing heirs for the family line.
Anne was different. She was smart, well-educated and an equal partner in the royal marriage. So attracted to her as a person, Henry gave her powers above that which other queens before and after ever had. Unfortunately his paranoid need for power meant in the end he couldn't cope with a woman of her talent and drive, and he got rid of her on trumped up charges of adultery. The people of England were astounded and appalled.
On her death, all traces of Anne's person, personality, power and passion were erased. She became a non-person, deleted and defamed in history by the Church which wanted its power back.
The book is called Anne Boleyn, A new life of England's tragic Queen by Joanna Denny. Really worth a read and eye-opening to see such a woman so key in the reformation history.
The folklore and popular stories about Anne Boleyn are worse than just six fingers. She's commonly reputed to be an adulterer, to have seduced King Henry VIII, to have thrown huge temper tantrums and to have been incredibly ugly with an 'incubus' on her neck and other signs of devilishness at the time.
I'm no historian, but Joanna Denny the writer of the book makes a great case for this all being complete rubbish. She argues that the evidence shows these stories to be slander, disinformation and deliberate character assassination by the religious power block of the day.
Why? Because according to the evidence, Anne Boleyn was a key player in ushering in the evangelical reformation in England, undoing the power of the dominant church, and influencing Henry to break from Rome.
Denny shows Anne to be a committed evangelical believer, who read and valued the reformer books and English translations of the Bible which were banned throughout England. She and her father, Thomas Boleyn were influential in protecting people like Tyndale and other reformed theologians and thinkers.
Rather than be a seducer, Denny shows her to be a woman in the unenviable position of being pursued by a capricious king who never took 'no' for an answer. She was refused permission by the King to marry anyone else. However, she removed herself from court and refused to jump into bed with him for the years in which he wrangled about divorcing Catherine.
In the end, she saw her position as given by God for a purpose - to bring England to the gospel faith as written in the Bible. She was the 'Queen Esther' of her day, a woman in a difficult position who used her brains and wits to stay faithful to God and to work for his glory.
The typical path of life for women in her rank was either the mistress - used for pleasure, or the baby maker - producing heirs for the family line.
Anne was different. She was smart, well-educated and an equal partner in the royal marriage. So attracted to her as a person, Henry gave her powers above that which other queens before and after ever had. Unfortunately his paranoid need for power meant in the end he couldn't cope with a woman of her talent and drive, and he got rid of her on trumped up charges of adultery. The people of England were astounded and appalled.
On her death, all traces of Anne's person, personality, power and passion were erased. She became a non-person, deleted and defamed in history by the Church which wanted its power back.
The book is called Anne Boleyn, A new life of England's tragic Queen by Joanna Denny. Really worth a read and eye-opening to see such a woman so key in the reformation history.
We're here!
We moved. We unpacked. We're here!
The physical work of shifting is a big deal. Even though we had removalists, we were still bone-weary at the end of the day of the move. By the time we'd unpacked* three days later, both body and brain were aching.
So praise God for a relaxing holiday at the beach and a really joyful return to our new home. It feels great and we love everything about it.
The blog will now continue...
*95% done -just garage stuff to do now...
The physical work of shifting is a big deal. Even though we had removalists, we were still bone-weary at the end of the day of the move. By the time we'd unpacked* three days later, both body and brain were aching.
So praise God for a relaxing holiday at the beach and a really joyful return to our new home. It feels great and we love everything about it.
The blog will now continue...
*95% done -just garage stuff to do now...
Thursday, December 07, 2006
moving on
We're moving house on Monday.
Just for the record:
This will be my 8th house move in 11 years of marriage. In 33 years of life, I've lived (or stayed for more than two months) in 19 different houses or institutions. I've been a resident of 8 different cities, towns or villages in two different countries. Over the years I went to boarding school and lived at a uni college, I packed all my belongings up to shift in and out 32 times.
This move will include starting at a different church for the sixth time in our marriage. And for the twelfth time in my life. (That doesn't include regular visits to at least six to ten 'link churches' who supported my family when I was a child.)
And, once again, it will include having to find another new hairdresser. Rats. I just got happy with the most recent one!
You won't be surprised to learn that I'm quite good at moving. Every thing goes in a box, every box gets a label, and every label corresponds to the map I give the removalist at the front door of the new house. (Smug boast: the last removalist said to me, "that was the most organised move I've ever seen..." hee hee.)
Unpacking is only harder than packing if you haven't sorted everything first. If you've done this well and gotten rid of the junk that clutters up your cupboards, and if you've labelled your boxes properly, it should take less time to unpack than it took to pack. (It also helps to have a mother who is a genius at unpacking kitchens in record whirlwind time.)
I'm not like a good friend of mine, who still has boxes from two or three moves ago which she hasn't unpacked yet. I reckon if you haven't missed the stuff yet, give the whole box to the op shop!
Everyone's a bit stressed in our household right now, including the dog, who has vomited four times in the last 24 hours. I'm trying to look at the positives of packing - rather than bemoan all the stuff we have, I'm happy to have it, to pack it and to take it with us. Imagine doing all of this as a refugee!
Why am I sitting here blogging when I have a kitchen to sort through? I'd better get back to it. See you all after the move!
Just for the record:
This will be my 8th house move in 11 years of marriage. In 33 years of life, I've lived (or stayed for more than two months) in 19 different houses or institutions. I've been a resident of 8 different cities, towns or villages in two different countries. Over the years I went to boarding school and lived at a uni college, I packed all my belongings up to shift in and out 32 times.
This move will include starting at a different church for the sixth time in our marriage. And for the twelfth time in my life. (That doesn't include regular visits to at least six to ten 'link churches' who supported my family when I was a child.)
And, once again, it will include having to find another new hairdresser. Rats. I just got happy with the most recent one!
You won't be surprised to learn that I'm quite good at moving. Every thing goes in a box, every box gets a label, and every label corresponds to the map I give the removalist at the front door of the new house. (Smug boast: the last removalist said to me, "that was the most organised move I've ever seen..." hee hee.)
Unpacking is only harder than packing if you haven't sorted everything first. If you've done this well and gotten rid of the junk that clutters up your cupboards, and if you've labelled your boxes properly, it should take less time to unpack than it took to pack. (It also helps to have a mother who is a genius at unpacking kitchens in record whirlwind time.)
I'm not like a good friend of mine, who still has boxes from two or three moves ago which she hasn't unpacked yet. I reckon if you haven't missed the stuff yet, give the whole box to the op shop!
Everyone's a bit stressed in our household right now, including the dog, who has vomited four times in the last 24 hours. I'm trying to look at the positives of packing - rather than bemoan all the stuff we have, I'm happy to have it, to pack it and to take it with us. Imagine doing all of this as a refugee!
Why am I sitting here blogging when I have a kitchen to sort through? I'd better get back to it. See you all after the move!
Monday, December 04, 2006
An extravagant God
I went back to a former church on Saturday to speak at their ladies' Christmas lunch. It was so fun to see old friends again and catch up with everyone. Here's a little bit of what I said...
Are you the extravagant type at Christmas? Do you spend massive amount of money on presents, dinner and parties? Do you go to town on all the trimmings?
I’ll confess: I’d like to be. I’d love to deck my Chrissy tree out in all silver ornaments and have matching everything at the dinner table, but I’m too aware of counting my pennies. I shop in the sales and look for the ‘bargain’ presents that look expensive but aren’t!
I want to put it out there and say I think Christians should be the most extravagant people that there are in the world.
We should be the most lavish, the most reckless, the most wasteful, the most abundant, the least reasonable and the least restrained group of people in the world.
When others look at us, they should see people who have no thought for economy, self-preservation or restraint.
I’m not talking about extravagance in parties or dinners. Not talking about extravagance in presents. I’m not talking about extravagance in church services.
I’m talking about extravagance in LOVE, extravagance in gentleness, extravagance in patience, extravagance in goodness, extravagance in righteousness.
Because our God is an extravagant God. It's in his character and it's built into his creation.
If it was me creating the world, I might have gone with three or four types of tree, two or three different flowers for the garden. But no, there are hundreds of thousands of species of plants. I was walking through a nursery this morning and was staggered by the varieties there are!
If it was me, I might have said, “Well, now, Adam and Eve might like to keep some animals as domestic pets. Here’s a dog and a cat.” Have you ever tried to choose a pet for yourself? The choices are unlimited! There are hundreds of wonderful breeds of dogs and far too many breeds of cats.
Here are some things that prove that God is extravagant: A different sunset every night. Frilled-neck lizards. Snow-flakes. Giraffes (I mean really - what is the point?).
At Christmas, why do I not take the extravagant route in presents and dinner parties? Basically, when it comes down to it, I’m scared that I’ll run out of what I’ve got. I’m afraid of not having enough resources for myself. I do not have an unending source of funds that will just pour and pour into my bank account. And that stops me being extravagant and sharing with others.
But in God’s economy, love, grace and goodness are always on tap. God’s love is like a river, flooding into your life.
We have unlimited love and grace given to us. So we can give that away extravagantly. We can fill our minds extravagantly with righteousness and good things and truth.
An extravagant Christian life is a welcoming, a generous, an encouraging, a joyful and a loving life. It’s a life that loves God with heart and soul. And it’s a life that loves neighbour as self.
An extravagant church is not a church that puts on fabulous events or has really great music or a really big offering plate.
It is a church that says, “we’ll be reckless and lavish with our love and our kindness and our generosity to others because God has been recklessly and lavishly kind to us.
Are you the extravagant type at Christmas? Do you spend massive amount of money on presents, dinner and parties? Do you go to town on all the trimmings?
I’ll confess: I’d like to be. I’d love to deck my Chrissy tree out in all silver ornaments and have matching everything at the dinner table, but I’m too aware of counting my pennies. I shop in the sales and look for the ‘bargain’ presents that look expensive but aren’t!
I want to put it out there and say I think Christians should be the most extravagant people that there are in the world.
We should be the most lavish, the most reckless, the most wasteful, the most abundant, the least reasonable and the least restrained group of people in the world.
When others look at us, they should see people who have no thought for economy, self-preservation or restraint.
I’m not talking about extravagance in parties or dinners. Not talking about extravagance in presents. I’m not talking about extravagance in church services.
I’m talking about extravagance in LOVE, extravagance in gentleness, extravagance in patience, extravagance in goodness, extravagance in righteousness.
Because our God is an extravagant God. It's in his character and it's built into his creation.
If it was me creating the world, I might have gone with three or four types of tree, two or three different flowers for the garden. But no, there are hundreds of thousands of species of plants. I was walking through a nursery this morning and was staggered by the varieties there are!
If it was me, I might have said, “Well, now, Adam and Eve might like to keep some animals as domestic pets. Here’s a dog and a cat.” Have you ever tried to choose a pet for yourself? The choices are unlimited! There are hundreds of wonderful breeds of dogs and far too many breeds of cats.
Here are some things that prove that God is extravagant: A different sunset every night. Frilled-neck lizards. Snow-flakes. Giraffes (I mean really - what is the point?).
At Christmas, why do I not take the extravagant route in presents and dinner parties? Basically, when it comes down to it, I’m scared that I’ll run out of what I’ve got. I’m afraid of not having enough resources for myself. I do not have an unending source of funds that will just pour and pour into my bank account. And that stops me being extravagant and sharing with others.
But in God’s economy, love, grace and goodness are always on tap. God’s love is like a river, flooding into your life.
We have unlimited love and grace given to us. So we can give that away extravagantly. We can fill our minds extravagantly with righteousness and good things and truth.
An extravagant Christian life is a welcoming, a generous, an encouraging, a joyful and a loving life. It’s a life that loves God with heart and soul. And it’s a life that loves neighbour as self.
An extravagant church is not a church that puts on fabulous events or has really great music or a really big offering plate.
It is a church that says, “we’ll be reckless and lavish with our love and our kindness and our generosity to others because God has been recklessly and lavishly kind to us.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Quiet Leadership IV - that's all folks
I could blog about David Rock's book Quiet Leadership for weeks, but I'd probably get sued for breach of copyright. Anyway, there's so much more in it than i can summarise that I recommend you get your own copy!
Tomorrow, more on the extravagance of God!
Tomorrow, more on the extravagance of God!
Quiet Leadership III
I love it in comics or cartoons when a character has an idea and a lightbulb appears over her head for a moment. She's had an 'aha' moment. Invariably what happens next is that she has a burst of energy to put her idea into practice.
In the process of making new superhighways in their own minds, we all have 'aha' moments. These moments of figuring it out for ourselves give off energy and give us a desire to take action which is rarely shown if someone else tells us what to do. So it's much more sensible to help someone think through things for themselves.
How do we help people think? Focus on solutions.
Look at these questions: "Why did this happen?"; "Why isn't this working?"; Why do you think you're not good at this?" They all focus on the problem.
These questions focus on the solution: "What do you want to achieve here?"; "What do we need to do to make this work?" "How can you develop strengths in this area?"
Wallowing in the problem, or even the details, doesn't achieve solutions. It's interesting, but it's not useful.
But let's get practical. Imagine someone says to you: "I'm really worried about my son Joe because he's been skipping school but he just doesn't seem to listen to me."
You want to help her think through her problem. But here's what not to do.
"I'm really worried about my son Joe because he's been skipping school but he just doesn't seem to listen to me."
What's the problem? I've put it in bold below. Remember, we don't want to discuss this.
"I'm really worried about my son Joe because he's been skipping school but he just doesn't seem to listen to me."
What are the details? Again, in bold below. We're staying out of the details, remember. They are interesting, but not useful.
"I'm really worried about my son Joe because he's been skipping school but he just doesn't seem to listen to me."
If we can't talk about the problem, or the details, what is left? Well, it's this: "I'm really worried..."
Listen for the thought process in a statement, and you have a key to helping people think. Then it's time to ask these sorts of questions:
How long have you been thinking about this?
How often do you think about this?
How important is this issue to you, on a scale of one to ten?
How clear are you about this?
What priority is this for you right now - top three, top five, top ten or top one?
What priority do you think it should be?
How committed to resolving it are you?
Can you see any gaps in your thinking?
What impact is thinking about this having on you?
How do you react when you think that thought?
How do you feel about the resources you've put into this so far?
Do you have a plan for shifting this issue?
How clear is your thinking about the plan?
What are you noticing about your thinking?
What insights are you having?
Are you clear about what to do next?
How can I best help you further?
In the process of making new superhighways in their own minds, we all have 'aha' moments. These moments of figuring it out for ourselves give off energy and give us a desire to take action which is rarely shown if someone else tells us what to do. So it's much more sensible to help someone think through things for themselves.
How do we help people think? Focus on solutions.
Look at these questions: "Why did this happen?"; "Why isn't this working?"; Why do you think you're not good at this?" They all focus on the problem.
These questions focus on the solution: "What do you want to achieve here?"; "What do we need to do to make this work?" "How can you develop strengths in this area?"
Wallowing in the problem, or even the details, doesn't achieve solutions. It's interesting, but it's not useful.
But let's get practical. Imagine someone says to you: "I'm really worried about my son Joe because he's been skipping school but he just doesn't seem to listen to me."
You want to help her think through her problem. But here's what not to do.
- Don't give advice.
- Don't ask questions about the problem itself.
- Stay out of the details.
- Don't rush her into action.
- Don't tell her how to think.
"I'm really worried about my son Joe because he's been skipping school but he just doesn't seem to listen to me."
What's the problem? I've put it in bold below. Remember, we don't want to discuss this.
"I'm really worried about my son Joe because he's been skipping school but he just doesn't seem to listen to me."
What are the details? Again, in bold below. We're staying out of the details, remember. They are interesting, but not useful.
"I'm really worried about my son Joe because he's been skipping school but he just doesn't seem to listen to me."
If we can't talk about the problem, or the details, what is left? Well, it's this: "I'm really worried..."
Listen for the thought process in a statement, and you have a key to helping people think. Then it's time to ask these sorts of questions:
How long have you been thinking about this?
How often do you think about this?
How important is this issue to you, on a scale of one to ten?
How clear are you about this?
What priority is this for you right now - top three, top five, top ten or top one?
What priority do you think it should be?
How committed to resolving it are you?
Can you see any gaps in your thinking?
What impact is thinking about this having on you?
How do you react when you think that thought?
How do you feel about the resources you've put into this so far?
Do you have a plan for shifting this issue?
How clear is your thinking about the plan?
What are you noticing about your thinking?
What insights are you having?
Are you clear about what to do next?
How can I best help you further?
Friday, December 01, 2006
Quiet Leadership II
More thoughts from the book Quiet Leadership by David Rock
The big question: How do we help people think better?
It helps to understand a little about how the brain 'hardwires' things.
Every day our brain lays down information and makes connections.
It's like building paths. If I think about something once, I might cut a tiny hiking trail through my brain. Think about it ten times and it becomes a footpath. Do something about your thoughts and you'll build a road. Practice doing it for three hours a day and you've built a superhighway that becomes a part of how you automatically think and act.
Once you've built a superhighway and created a habit, it's hard, if not impossible, to undo it. So if you're trying to help people think better, don't try to undo something that already exists.
Instead, build a new superhighway. It's far more effective to lay down new pathways in the brain and start using them than to try hard to get rid of old ones!
Another way of saying this is: help people focus on solutions rather than problems.
In David Rock's words: "We need to give up our desire to find behaviours to fix and become fascinated with identifying and growing people's strengths, [which is] an entirely other discipline."
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