More on friendship

What if someone doesn't want to be friends with you?

A new girl, Jenny, moved into our community and straight away I knew that this was someone I want to be friends with. She was outgoing, fun, interesting and I felt like I had a good connection with her. I invited her over, I did things with her and I tried to be supportive.

However, a few months later a mutual friend of ours said to me, "it's a shame that Jenny says she feels she has no kindred spirits here and feels so lonely she." I was hurt. What about me? I thought Jenny and I were good friends, but she obviously didn't think so.

There are times when the person you want to be friends with just doesn't click with you and isn't interested. It is hurtful, but unfortunately you cannot make someone be friends with you. Friendship happens spontaneously, all of its own accord and there's not much you can do about it.

Clinging to someone in the hopes that they will start to like you is counterproductive. Most people can feel a clinger and they will start to avoid them. If someone is getting too close, the other person will instinctively move away to protect themselves.

My best advice is to have a good cry and move on. There are plenty of people out there to be friends with. Sometimes the most charismatic people don't make the best friends anyway. After I got over Jenny I discovered Emma in the same community. She was quieter but more considerate and turned out to be a much better friend.

While in many cases it's not your fault that someone doesn't like you, if this happens it is worth having a look at yourself and seeing if there's something you need to change in your relating habits or in your expectations of a friendship.

Do you understand the four spaces of relationships appropriately? Do you need to improve your social skills? Do you understand that friends are not possessions to be controlled? Are you looking to ‘hitch your wagon to a star’?

If it's helpful, find someone older and wiser who relates well to people and have a chat.

Unconditional parenting

I really enjoyed this book by Alfie Kohn. It's pretty easy to read and he offers convincing arguments to show that much of what we think is good parenting is actually just techniques for control. Once you're convinced, he then gives real help for changing the way you parent.

One of his big arguments is that our main question should not be "how do I get my child to do what I say?" but "what does my child need -- and how can I meet those needs?"

He says: To focus on children's needs and to work with them to make sure their needs are met, constitutes a commitment to taking children seriously. It means treating them as people whose feelings and desires and questions matter. A child's preferences cannot always be accommodated, but they can always be considered and they need never be dismissed out of hand. It's important to see a child as someone with a unique point of view, with very real fears and concerns and with a distinctive way of reasoning.

He gives 13 principles to help do things differently.

1. Be reflective.
2. Reconsider your requests.
3. Keep your eye on your long-term goals.
4. Put the relationship first.
5. Change how you see, not just how you act.
6. RESPECT
7. Be authentic.
8. Talk less, ask more
9. Keep the ages in mind.
10. Attribute to children the best possible motives consistent with the facts.
11. Don't stick your no's in unnecessarily.
12. Don't be rigid.
13. Don't be in a hurry.

Being honest

Almost worse than gossip for teenage girls is the conversation that begins, "let's be really honest and tell everyone else what we think of them..."

Or "I don't want you to take this the wrong way but..."

Or "no offense, but...

It's so easy to say these things but they will take it the wrong way and there will be offense. I still think my bottom sticks out too much because my friend April told me so in a fit of honesty when I was 14.

I'm sure I have told people things "for their own good" but actually I think I told them because it felt cool to do it at the time. It gave me some power over them and allowed me to insult them while pretending it was honest and therefore righteous.

My mother's wisdom has been proven right again and again as I have taken the three rules she gave me to heart. Before you say anything ask yourself these three questions: is it true? Is it kind? Is it helpful?

Two out of three is not good enough. Make it three out of three and you will keep your friends.

Gaggle of girls

I'm back at my blog. I still can't type, but now I've got some wonderful dictation software which is helping me put words on the screen. There are some interesting errors to correct here and there but for the most part it's a good thing. Now I just have to hope that my voice doesn't give out. In the meantime here's a part of a chapter I've been working on for the book.

If you're in high school, it seems that survival is really only possible if you're in a group. When I started a new high school at the age of 16, the thing I was most concerned about was finding myself a group to be in.

The trouble is that groups of girls in high school are notorious for having difficult dynamics. I think it's unreasonable to expect to get through high school unscathed by your group. If you do, congratulations. But your experience is not the same as many people.

Gossip

In my early teens a group of us at boarding school decided that gossip was unrighteous. We shouldn't gossip about each other. We knew it was wrong. However we did still want to talk about each other, so we invented a new way of having a conversation. We called it "sharing our thoughts" -- or sotting for short.

Of course, it was the same thing. By sharing our thoughts we could rip each other to shreds just as easily as if we had called it gossip.

Gossip is everywhere and incredibly difficult to avoid. How do you know if your group is gossiping about you? If you've heard about others in your group, you can expect to have others talk about you.

Why is gossip so bad? If your friend doesn't know that you were talking about her behind her back how can it hurt her?

Firstly, gossip is not based on love. It's based on public humiliation. Secondly, someone will tell her. Gossip doesn't stay a secret for long. And once she knows, she feels the public humiliation. It's like taking a knife and ripping your friends clothes to shreds and then standing back and saying "no, you look fine."

The least you can do in a gossiping group is to shut your mouth and say nothing. The best you can do is to say something nice about the type of the gossip. Don't repeat gossip. Don't add to it. Don't make it a drama. Correct untruths. And go on the offensive by always having something good to say about everyone.

Two of the most wonderful woman I've ever met are Deb and Eunice. Being with them for an hour leaves me feeling fresh, loved and positive. The reason? They have something positive to say about everyone. Negative words just do not come out of their mouths. The effect on other people is amazing.

Does this mean we can never say anything negative about anyone? Sometimes you just have to get things off your chest. If you must share things you are having trouble with, make sure it is with one and trustworthy person.

And think about why you are saying this. Is it because you are bitter? Are you trying to justify your self? Or are you genuinely looking for a solution and trying to love the other person?

Reading

Most of my recent reflections and thinking (apart from how to get rid of my constant sore shoulder and RSI typing pain) has been about parenting.

Reading a great book from this stack by Alfie Kohn. It's the second from the top - called Unconditional Parenting - about why praise and punishments don't help our children. It's a challenge to me.

I loved the dark blue book I read earlier in the year - Punished by Rewards - it's along the same lines, but more about life and work than specifically dealing with children. The top one looks intriguing too...

yes

I have an official "We're very interested in your book" from a publisher as of last week, and I'm now getting up at 6am every morning to work on it in the quiet.

You can imagine I'm pretty happy. Hopefully things will be done by early next year!