I can't resist adding this wonderful list of questions, pinched from Cloud and Townsend's book Safe People. Another must-read.
Some questions to ask yourself when you think about if you are able to be close to others?
1. Do you tend to be the ‘giver’ in relationships – or are your relationships mutual with equal give and take?
2. Do you find that people approach you when they want something from you, or more to simply spend time with you?
3. Is it difficult for you to open up about your real feelings and problems?
4. Is it hard for you to see others as a source of emotional and spiritual support?
5. Do you prefer to be alone to deal with your problems?
6. Is there a pattern, where people seem to like you when you appear ok, but withdraw if you are honest about yourself?
7. Do you feel that God is the only person who really knows and loves all of you?
8. Do you find yourself choosing people who let you down over time?9. Are intimate, vulnerable, two way conversations a rarity, or a regular occurrence?
10. Do you find most of your personal connections revolving more around activities or duties than relationships?
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Best friends II
Yesterday I posted about close friendships. Rather than ask: how can I get that kind of friendship, we need to ask: how can I be the best person for that kind of friendship.
I wrote a few weeks ago about the Trinity, and how three aspects of the way the persons of God relate within the Godhead provide a model for our relationships. We all need: togetherness, difference and interdependence in the way we relate.
So in terms of our close friendships, let's look at some aspects of 'togetherness'.
To have togetherness, firstly, you have to be willing, and then you have to be able to be close with someone. And then you need to make good decisions about the person/people you choose to be close to.
Are you willing to be close to someone?
This may sound surprising. Surely it’s obvious that everyone would want to have personal and intimate friends. Probably on the surface it’s true. But go a level deeper and some people have trouble with actually wanting to be close.
Perhaps you have had to say too many goodbyes or hurts in your life. You may feel like the risk is just too great and you don’t even want to try. You would rather be self-sufficient.
God has created all of us incomplete and inadequate. There are so many things we cannot provide for ourselves. We can’t provide God’s love. We are reliant on God for our physical needs. We need others to give us the human love we need. Yet, deep inside, most of us hate the idea of needing other people, and asking for what we don’t have. We know we’re incomplete and inadequate but it’s humiliating to admit it.
Sometimes we teach self-sufficiency as a positive character trait. We think that the individual who either doesn’t have problems or who hides them really well is a model of Christian maturity.
People who move a lot or who are hurt a lot become self-sufficient as a survival mechanism. It’s a response based on fear. No one gets inside, and no one gets close, and the self-sufficiency keeps them from being overwhelmed by loss and grief.
But self-sufficiency can’t work in the long term. Survival mechanisms are for short term survival – not long term living.
It’s a good thing to be needy. It means you are human, and you’re embracing God’s grace. Self-sufficiency is based on fear. And fear is not God’s way to live.
The Bible says that the opposite of fear is not confidence... it’s not self-confidence, which is what we try to conquer it by. The opposite of fear is love. Perfect love casts out fear.
Through facing our fears of being close, and allowing others to love us, imperfect though we are, the fears will disappear and we’ll be more healthy and have much better relationships.
You might be willing – but are you able to be close to others?
Self-sufficiency is one big block to being close with other people. If you can never admit your weaknesses, you stop other people really getting to know you. You set up a pattern whereby you are the strong one in the relationship, which means necessarily that the other person is the weak one. That doesn’t set up for a close, equal relationship.
There are other blocks to closeness, all based on fear, which is also the root of pride.
What about defensiveness. Can you take loving confrontation and feedback, or do you draw your sword whenever anyone says anything.
Related to that is being self-righteous – not humble. There’s an ‘I’m better than you’ (whether spoken or not) dynamic going on.
When confronted, do you apologise, or do you actually change your behaviour as well? Lots of times we’ll say ‘sorry’ to get someone out of our face for the moment, but we go right back and do the same thing the next time.
What about taking responsibility for your life and your own problems? Or do you say: “It’s all my mother’s fault. She put me on the potty too early and I was emotionally scarred for life.”
Do you choose the right people to be 'together' with?
Think back over your close friendships and relationships. Have you been friends with people who have valued you, been vulnerable with you, and who have opened up to you in love and truth? Are they people who love God and want to serve him?
Or have they been people who have taken what you’ve given and then betrayed you? Have they gossiped about you? Have they tried to control you? Or have they let you make all the decisions in the relationship – so that they are completely passive?
Yes, we need to love everyone. But you don’t have to be close to everyone in the same way. And of course no one is going to be perfect. All our friends fail us at some point, just like we fail them at times.
But you need to be wise about the people you are closest to. The Bible teaches this. “Don’t make friends with people who have hot violent tempers, you might learn their habits and not be able to change.”
People we are with influence us. Don’t hang out with big drinkers or drug takers or people who are constantly cynical, critical and bitter. Avoid trusting people who have a pattern of letting you down. Use your wisdom and pick safe people. It’s a crucial part of togetherness.
I wrote a few weeks ago about the Trinity, and how three aspects of the way the persons of God relate within the Godhead provide a model for our relationships. We all need: togetherness, difference and interdependence in the way we relate.
So in terms of our close friendships, let's look at some aspects of 'togetherness'.
To have togetherness, firstly, you have to be willing, and then you have to be able to be close with someone. And then you need to make good decisions about the person/people you choose to be close to.
Are you willing to be close to someone?
This may sound surprising. Surely it’s obvious that everyone would want to have personal and intimate friends. Probably on the surface it’s true. But go a level deeper and some people have trouble with actually wanting to be close.
Perhaps you have had to say too many goodbyes or hurts in your life. You may feel like the risk is just too great and you don’t even want to try. You would rather be self-sufficient.
God has created all of us incomplete and inadequate. There are so many things we cannot provide for ourselves. We can’t provide God’s love. We are reliant on God for our physical needs. We need others to give us the human love we need. Yet, deep inside, most of us hate the idea of needing other people, and asking for what we don’t have. We know we’re incomplete and inadequate but it’s humiliating to admit it.
Sometimes we teach self-sufficiency as a positive character trait. We think that the individual who either doesn’t have problems or who hides them really well is a model of Christian maturity.
People who move a lot or who are hurt a lot become self-sufficient as a survival mechanism. It’s a response based on fear. No one gets inside, and no one gets close, and the self-sufficiency keeps them from being overwhelmed by loss and grief.
But self-sufficiency can’t work in the long term. Survival mechanisms are for short term survival – not long term living.
It’s a good thing to be needy. It means you are human, and you’re embracing God’s grace. Self-sufficiency is based on fear. And fear is not God’s way to live.
The Bible says that the opposite of fear is not confidence... it’s not self-confidence, which is what we try to conquer it by. The opposite of fear is love. Perfect love casts out fear.
Through facing our fears of being close, and allowing others to love us, imperfect though we are, the fears will disappear and we’ll be more healthy and have much better relationships.
You might be willing – but are you able to be close to others?
Self-sufficiency is one big block to being close with other people. If you can never admit your weaknesses, you stop other people really getting to know you. You set up a pattern whereby you are the strong one in the relationship, which means necessarily that the other person is the weak one. That doesn’t set up for a close, equal relationship.
There are other blocks to closeness, all based on fear, which is also the root of pride.
What about defensiveness. Can you take loving confrontation and feedback, or do you draw your sword whenever anyone says anything.
Related to that is being self-righteous – not humble. There’s an ‘I’m better than you’ (whether spoken or not) dynamic going on.
When confronted, do you apologise, or do you actually change your behaviour as well? Lots of times we’ll say ‘sorry’ to get someone out of our face for the moment, but we go right back and do the same thing the next time.
What about taking responsibility for your life and your own problems? Or do you say: “It’s all my mother’s fault. She put me on the potty too early and I was emotionally scarred for life.”
Do you choose the right people to be 'together' with?
Think back over your close friendships and relationships. Have you been friends with people who have valued you, been vulnerable with you, and who have opened up to you in love and truth? Are they people who love God and want to serve him?
Or have they been people who have taken what you’ve given and then betrayed you? Have they gossiped about you? Have they tried to control you? Or have they let you make all the decisions in the relationship – so that they are completely passive?
Yes, we need to love everyone. But you don’t have to be close to everyone in the same way. And of course no one is going to be perfect. All our friends fail us at some point, just like we fail them at times.
But you need to be wise about the people you are closest to. The Bible teaches this. “Don’t make friends with people who have hot violent tempers, you might learn their habits and not be able to change.”
People we are with influence us. Don’t hang out with big drinkers or drug takers or people who are constantly cynical, critical and bitter. Avoid trusting people who have a pattern of letting you down. Use your wisdom and pick safe people. It’s a crucial part of togetherness.
Friday, June 29, 2007
Best friends
Everyone wants a best friend. Or if not, one, then a small group of best friends. They want a close person or a tight, secure, reliable group. Besties make us feel secure. They bring us joy. We love them. We need them.
The Bible agrees.
Ecclesiastes 4:8-12 8 This is the case of a man who is all alone, without a child or a brother, yet who works hard to gain as much wealth as he can. But then he asks himself, "Who am I working for? Why am I giving up so much pleasure now?" It is all so meaningless and depressing. 9 Two people can accomplish more than twice as much as one; they get a better return for their labor. 10 If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But people who are alone when they fall are in real trouble. 11 And on a cold night, two under the same blanket can gain warmth from each other. But how can one be warm alone? 12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.
When I was six, I found my soul-mate. Her name was Sarah. Nearly the first thing we discovered about each other was that our birthdays were exactly one week apart! Wow. We could have been twins (except for different parents, countries of origin, and of course that the mother would have had to have been in labour for more than 168 hours.)
That didn’t matter. We were twins. And the clincher was the fact that we both had.... red t-shirts and white skirts with flowers on them. Talk about coincidence. It was a friendship made in heaven.
We all want these kinds of relationships. It’s important to work on them, think about them, and desire them.
So, the big question is: how to get these kinds of relationships, right?
I told you Sarah was my best friend at the age of six. We were soul mates. But I didn’t tell you yet that five years later... the relationship was in tatters. The reason: boarding school.
Sarah and I were sort of best friends from afar. She lived up country, I lived in the city. But we wrote, and saw each other a few times a year.
Sarah went off to boarding at the age of 9. At boarding, it’s imperative that you have a buddy, an ally and a best friend, and thus she became best friends with another girl.
I came to boarding school at the age of 11, not knowing that Sarah had switched allegiances. I expected to continue as we had been, but better, because we would finally be in the same place at the same time. It was not to be!
I found myself without a best friend, but also, the target of this other girl, who (I assume) was feeling very threatened by me and my prior relationship with Sarah, and was determined to keep Sarah to herself.
I found myself friendless and targeted. And was consequently very unhappy for a good number of months. My biggest desire was to find a best friend. It was my consuming passion. My friendship failed, and I was determined to get another one. “How can I get a best friend?” was my biggest problem.
But... I was asking the wrong question.
The question is not: how can get this kind of relationship?
But: How can I be the best person for this kind of relationship?
A person desperate for relationships will probably never really succeed in forming them. Because that person is looking for a product. The sort of thing you could buy at a shop. “This is what a best friendship is. I’ll have one. Give it to me. How much do I have to pay for it?”
A person who sees a friendship as a process, not a product, is going to have a lot more success*. You as a person are developing in maturity, character, wisdom, spiritual gifts. Other people around you are doing that too. On our way, we’ll meet each other and benefit from each other. But it’s the process of two-sided character growth that really makes the friendship happen.
*Interestingly – CS Lewis says that people who simply ‘want friends’ can never find any. The very condition of having friends means we should want something else, besides friends. Friendship must be about something.He says: “Those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow travellers.” Part of being the best person for this kind of relationship is actually having some interests, some purpose, something you believe in!
The Bible agrees.
Ecclesiastes 4:8-12 8 This is the case of a man who is all alone, without a child or a brother, yet who works hard to gain as much wealth as he can. But then he asks himself, "Who am I working for? Why am I giving up so much pleasure now?" It is all so meaningless and depressing. 9 Two people can accomplish more than twice as much as one; they get a better return for their labor. 10 If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But people who are alone when they fall are in real trouble. 11 And on a cold night, two under the same blanket can gain warmth from each other. But how can one be warm alone? 12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.
When I was six, I found my soul-mate. Her name was Sarah. Nearly the first thing we discovered about each other was that our birthdays were exactly one week apart! Wow. We could have been twins (except for different parents, countries of origin, and of course that the mother would have had to have been in labour for more than 168 hours.)
That didn’t matter. We were twins. And the clincher was the fact that we both had.... red t-shirts and white skirts with flowers on them. Talk about coincidence. It was a friendship made in heaven.
We all want these kinds of relationships. It’s important to work on them, think about them, and desire them.
So, the big question is: how to get these kinds of relationships, right?
I told you Sarah was my best friend at the age of six. We were soul mates. But I didn’t tell you yet that five years later... the relationship was in tatters. The reason: boarding school.
Sarah and I were sort of best friends from afar. She lived up country, I lived in the city. But we wrote, and saw each other a few times a year.
Sarah went off to boarding at the age of 9. At boarding, it’s imperative that you have a buddy, an ally and a best friend, and thus she became best friends with another girl.
I came to boarding school at the age of 11, not knowing that Sarah had switched allegiances. I expected to continue as we had been, but better, because we would finally be in the same place at the same time. It was not to be!
I found myself without a best friend, but also, the target of this other girl, who (I assume) was feeling very threatened by me and my prior relationship with Sarah, and was determined to keep Sarah to herself.
I found myself friendless and targeted. And was consequently very unhappy for a good number of months. My biggest desire was to find a best friend. It was my consuming passion. My friendship failed, and I was determined to get another one. “How can I get a best friend?” was my biggest problem.
But... I was asking the wrong question.
The question is not: how can get this kind of relationship?
But: How can I be the best person for this kind of relationship?
A person desperate for relationships will probably never really succeed in forming them. Because that person is looking for a product. The sort of thing you could buy at a shop. “This is what a best friendship is. I’ll have one. Give it to me. How much do I have to pay for it?”
A person who sees a friendship as a process, not a product, is going to have a lot more success*. You as a person are developing in maturity, character, wisdom, spiritual gifts. Other people around you are doing that too. On our way, we’ll meet each other and benefit from each other. But it’s the process of two-sided character growth that really makes the friendship happen.
*Interestingly – CS Lewis says that people who simply ‘want friends’ can never find any. The very condition of having friends means we should want something else, besides friends. Friendship must be about something.He says: “Those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow travellers.” Part of being the best person for this kind of relationship is actually having some interests, some purpose, something you believe in!
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Small things of life
1. I have completed a knitting project - a 'snug' - rather like a poncho but with no shaping at all. Easy for the novice knitter. My next project is a matching hat. And then.... a dog jumper!
2. My seven year old daughter has beaten me twice at chess in the last week. I really was trying too! My only concession to her has been to warn her again moves where she might lose her queen. Mind you, after the first time I was beaten, I took her queen with glee.
3. Again, I come to the conclusion that I am the worst cook I know, after burning the curry again last night. What's the point of buying beautiful Jamie Oliver cookware if I keep burning the bottoms out of the pots?
2. My seven year old daughter has beaten me twice at chess in the last week. I really was trying too! My only concession to her has been to warn her again moves where she might lose her queen. Mind you, after the first time I was beaten, I took her queen with glee.
3. Again, I come to the conclusion that I am the worst cook I know, after burning the curry again last night. What's the point of buying beautiful Jamie Oliver cookware if I keep burning the bottoms out of the pots?
Emergency response to Aboriginal child sexual abuse
In the news right now is our Prime Minister's 'emergency response plan' to the growing crisis of Aboriginal child sexual assault, particularly in the areas of the Northern Territory.
Like many, I find myself at a total loss to come up with a reasonable solution to the many problems that plague our Aboriginal population. Thus, I feel unqualified and self-indulgent to criticise because I have no better ideas.
However, a few things come to mind as I listen to the debates about it all.
Firstly, an 'emergency' solution may be appropriate for an emergency. But emergency solutions cannot work in the long-term, precisely because they are emergency solutions.
Secondly, child sexual assault in Aboriginal communities seems to me to be a symptom of a deeper problem. Yes, it's a problem worthy of attention in it's own right, but if the underlying problem is not addressed long term, there's not much point.
Thirdly, there has been a lot of talk about the children who are suffering. But I haven't heard anyone use this term: "Our children." Aboriginals and the rest of Australia still rarely use the common 'we'.
Last: As little as 100 years ago, white settlers went on 'hunting parties' regularly in the Northern Territory. Their targets were Aboriginal people. As little as 70 years ago the Australian government held a 'White Australia' policy. As little as 50 years ago, the Australian government removed Aboriginal children from their families to be brought up in institutions and gotten ready for a life that was deemed 'appropriate' for them. Aboriginals have only had the vote for 50 years.
Methinks the word "sorry" might go a little ways towards remedying some of the wrongs.
Like many, I find myself at a total loss to come up with a reasonable solution to the many problems that plague our Aboriginal population. Thus, I feel unqualified and self-indulgent to criticise because I have no better ideas.
However, a few things come to mind as I listen to the debates about it all.
Firstly, an 'emergency' solution may be appropriate for an emergency. But emergency solutions cannot work in the long-term, precisely because they are emergency solutions.
Secondly, child sexual assault in Aboriginal communities seems to me to be a symptom of a deeper problem. Yes, it's a problem worthy of attention in it's own right, but if the underlying problem is not addressed long term, there's not much point.
Thirdly, there has been a lot of talk about the children who are suffering. But I haven't heard anyone use this term: "Our children." Aboriginals and the rest of Australia still rarely use the common 'we'.
Last: As little as 100 years ago, white settlers went on 'hunting parties' regularly in the Northern Territory. Their targets were Aboriginal people. As little as 70 years ago the Australian government held a 'White Australia' policy. As little as 50 years ago, the Australian government removed Aboriginal children from their families to be brought up in institutions and gotten ready for a life that was deemed 'appropriate' for them. Aboriginals have only had the vote for 50 years.
Methinks the word "sorry" might go a little ways towards remedying some of the wrongs.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Even more on belonging
In contrast with 'Christine' from my last entry, here are the words of 'Ethan', another MK who also faced the task of trying to belong to his home country.
‘Overwhelmed is a good word to describe how I felt at the beginning of my senior year in the huge highschool in my home country. I had never seen so many white kids in my life.
Very quickly I learned that in order to meet people, make new friends and learn the ropes, I had to initiate the conversation. The other kids were not interested in me, nor did they have a desire to understand the places I had been and the things I had seen. In order to fit in, I felt I had to talk about the things and places with which they were familiar. In essence, I had to be like them.
Sounds like the beginning of a miserable year, right? It actually ended up being not so bad. Two things helped. First, I got involved in small groups at school. The first week I tried out for the swim team and because I could swim well from my years in Africa, I became captain of the team. I also joined the choir. I spent time in both these groups getting to know kids that I had things in common with. I ate lunch with these people, sat in class and rode the bus with them.
These groups helped me get to know and spend time with the other kids that I wouldn’t have gotten to know had I just gone to class and home again. There are many special interest groups in high schools, from sport to language to vocational groups.
The second important group was the church youth group. Every furlough my sister and I attended the same church, so we were familiar with lots of the kids who were in the youth programs. Very few of these went to my school, but I had Christian friends to go out with on weekends and looked forward to going to church on Sundays without feeling like a stranger.’
Ethan has an innate sense of the four spaces of belonging. He instinctively understands that 'deep' friendships will not necessarily help him belong, but that public and social belonging will start that process.
Ethan is also far more other-centred than Christine. He doesn't expect that anyone will come to him. Rather, he knows he will have to go to them. He echoes God's love in the initiative that he takes with other people.
And from the tone of his words, Ethan is a whole lot happier than Christine!
‘Overwhelmed is a good word to describe how I felt at the beginning of my senior year in the huge highschool in my home country. I had never seen so many white kids in my life.
Very quickly I learned that in order to meet people, make new friends and learn the ropes, I had to initiate the conversation. The other kids were not interested in me, nor did they have a desire to understand the places I had been and the things I had seen. In order to fit in, I felt I had to talk about the things and places with which they were familiar. In essence, I had to be like them.
Sounds like the beginning of a miserable year, right? It actually ended up being not so bad. Two things helped. First, I got involved in small groups at school. The first week I tried out for the swim team and because I could swim well from my years in Africa, I became captain of the team. I also joined the choir. I spent time in both these groups getting to know kids that I had things in common with. I ate lunch with these people, sat in class and rode the bus with them.
These groups helped me get to know and spend time with the other kids that I wouldn’t have gotten to know had I just gone to class and home again. There are many special interest groups in high schools, from sport to language to vocational groups.
The second important group was the church youth group. Every furlough my sister and I attended the same church, so we were familiar with lots of the kids who were in the youth programs. Very few of these went to my school, but I had Christian friends to go out with on weekends and looked forward to going to church on Sundays without feeling like a stranger.’
Ethan has an innate sense of the four spaces of belonging. He instinctively understands that 'deep' friendships will not necessarily help him belong, but that public and social belonging will start that process.
Ethan is also far more other-centred than Christine. He doesn't expect that anyone will come to him. Rather, he knows he will have to go to them. He echoes God's love in the initiative that he takes with other people.
And from the tone of his words, Ethan is a whole lot happier than Christine!
Thursday, June 21, 2007
More on Belonging
I'm still preparing these talks on belonging and friendship for the MK camp. In my research on the internet, I came across this personal story. The person's name is not Christine - I've just named her that for my own purposes.
If you're new, foreign or different, how do you approach the task of settling in, fitting in, belonging, finding friends, finding connections... whatever you want to call it?
Here are the words of "Christine'', several years after she switched countries. She doesn't sound like a happy camper.
‘Having left my friends overseas, I’ve made some new acquaintances, but because time spent with them is very limited, there isn’t the same level of friendship with them that I’ve had with older friends.
To some extent this is true anywhere, since once you begin your career, you simply have less time to spend with your friends because of work schedules, moving, marriage, general busyness, etc.
The biggest difference, however, lies in not having memories or personal history to reminisce with someone about. When the conversation turns to something or someone you’ve never heard of, or never experienced, your interest naturally wanes because you can’t identify with it.
This prevents friendships from growing or deepening, and results in ‘surface relationships’. In this regard, I still feel very disconnected from both people and churches.’
What is the essence of Christine's problem?
Firstly, I don’t think Christine understands the different ways you can belong at all. On this blog I've mentioned the 'four spaces of belonging' several times. They are: public, social, personal and intimate.
I think Christine is pinning all her hopes for belonging on one or two spaces.
She is effectively saying, ‘only the personal and intimate spaces are valuable relationships. The public and social spaces don’t matter. In fact, they are second best because they are only ‘surface relationships’.
Secondly: I don’t think Christine really understands all that is true about the Trinity and relationships. To relate to others the way God intended us to relate, we need to hold three things in balance: togetherness, difference and interdependence.
Christine loves togetherness. But she doesn’t really understand how difference can be a part of togetherness. She’s allowing her difference to be a separation from others, rather than a means of enjoyment. And she is not experiencing any interdependence. She doesn’t need the people she’s got around her. And she’s not allowing them to need her. There’s very little real give and take.
Poor Christine. Many people, especially those who have moved around a lot, know how she feels. But the reality is, we don’t have to feel that way, at least not forever.
If we start now to understand how belonging works, and what we can do to make it happen for us, we won't have to have a personal story like Christine's for too long.
If you're new, foreign or different, how do you approach the task of settling in, fitting in, belonging, finding friends, finding connections... whatever you want to call it?
Here are the words of "Christine'', several years after she switched countries. She doesn't sound like a happy camper.
‘Having left my friends overseas, I’ve made some new acquaintances, but because time spent with them is very limited, there isn’t the same level of friendship with them that I’ve had with older friends.
To some extent this is true anywhere, since once you begin your career, you simply have less time to spend with your friends because of work schedules, moving, marriage, general busyness, etc.
The biggest difference, however, lies in not having memories or personal history to reminisce with someone about. When the conversation turns to something or someone you’ve never heard of, or never experienced, your interest naturally wanes because you can’t identify with it.
This prevents friendships from growing or deepening, and results in ‘surface relationships’. In this regard, I still feel very disconnected from both people and churches.’
What is the essence of Christine's problem?
Firstly, I don’t think Christine understands the different ways you can belong at all. On this blog I've mentioned the 'four spaces of belonging' several times. They are: public, social, personal and intimate.
I think Christine is pinning all her hopes for belonging on one or two spaces.
She is effectively saying, ‘only the personal and intimate spaces are valuable relationships. The public and social spaces don’t matter. In fact, they are second best because they are only ‘surface relationships’.
Secondly: I don’t think Christine really understands all that is true about the Trinity and relationships. To relate to others the way God intended us to relate, we need to hold three things in balance: togetherness, difference and interdependence.
Christine loves togetherness. But she doesn’t really understand how difference can be a part of togetherness. She’s allowing her difference to be a separation from others, rather than a means of enjoyment. And she is not experiencing any interdependence. She doesn’t need the people she’s got around her. And she’s not allowing them to need her. There’s very little real give and take.
Poor Christine. Many people, especially those who have moved around a lot, know how she feels. But the reality is, we don’t have to feel that way, at least not forever.
If we start now to understand how belonging works, and what we can do to make it happen for us, we won't have to have a personal story like Christine's for too long.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
What's most important
"...do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven." Luke 10:20
It's been a bit dismal recently. The weather has been Wet. The ground outside has been Soggy. One child has been Sick. The other two have been Cranky.
Some of my thoughts have been, in no particular order:
how did I get myself into this situation? when will I ever be able to write my next book? why don't I have enough energy to invite anyone over? wouldn't life be a lot easier if I was a man? hate... grumble... grouse... cranky... don't touch/come near/annoy me, especially if you're under the age of eight...
So it was timely this morning to read a little blurb on the above verse. Jesus was talking to his disciples after they returned from a very successful mission. They had seen great things happen. They were at their peak of success. But Jesus said, don't get hung up on your success. Instead, be happy that you're saved.
My problem is that I'm not at the peak of my success, but wishing desperately that I was. So it's good to be reminded not to be concerned about the success, but instead, be happy that I'm saved.
Which, indeed, I am.
It's been a bit dismal recently. The weather has been Wet. The ground outside has been Soggy. One child has been Sick. The other two have been Cranky.
Some of my thoughts have been, in no particular order:
how did I get myself into this situation? when will I ever be able to write my next book? why don't I have enough energy to invite anyone over? wouldn't life be a lot easier if I was a man? hate... grumble... grouse... cranky... don't touch/come near/annoy me, especially if you're under the age of eight...
So it was timely this morning to read a little blurb on the above verse. Jesus was talking to his disciples after they returned from a very successful mission. They had seen great things happen. They were at their peak of success. But Jesus said, don't get hung up on your success. Instead, be happy that you're saved.
My problem is that I'm not at the peak of my success, but wishing desperately that I was. So it's good to be reminded not to be concerned about the success, but instead, be happy that I'm saved.
Which, indeed, I am.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Not good to be alone
Yesterday I blogged about the idea that being made in the image of God means that we need people. In Genesis, God says, "It's not good for a man to be alone."
Marriage is probably what most people think of when they read this verse. But I think it may be helpful to see this in terms of other kinds of relationships too. This story sets the scene for the beginning of all human society. There are many ways to be with others.
Joe Myers' four ‘spaces’ of belonging in life, public, social, personal and intimate are a framework to think about different kinds of relationships.
It is not good for someone to be alone – in the public space.
Why? You miss out on togetherness. There's no sense of belonging to a bigger picture. You miss out on difference. You’re a unique part of a bigger whole. You don’t see yourself in proportion. You miss out on interdependence - the wonderful feeling of a whole group achieving something bigger than you could do yourself.
It is not good for someone to be alone – in the social space
You miss out on togetherness – the feeling of belonging to ‘these people’. You miss out on difference – opportunities to get to know different others, to learn new information, to experience new things. You miss out on interdependence – the neighbourliness, the asking of little favours, being able to serve people in those ways.
It is not good for someone to be alone – in the personal space
You miss out on togetherness – the warm care and acceptance of others. Experiencing your own feelings, and sharing others’ joy and burdens. You miss the joy of a friendship, and the excitement of working towards something together. You miss out on difference – the fun of trying to understand your friends, learning from them. You miss the ability to demonstrate and receive grace. You miss out on interdependence Needing to need and be needed, the sharpening of your mind and refining of your character.
It is not good for someone to be alone – in the intimate space
You miss out on togetherness – the joy of being with someone who really loves you and sharing the deepest part of your soul. You miss out on difference – loving someone who is not you. You miss out on interdependence – the joy of being completely accepted, learning stronger lessons about love.
Marriage is probably what most people think of when they read this verse. But I think it may be helpful to see this in terms of other kinds of relationships too. This story sets the scene for the beginning of all human society. There are many ways to be with others.
Joe Myers' four ‘spaces’ of belonging in life, public, social, personal and intimate are a framework to think about different kinds of relationships.
It is not good for someone to be alone – in the public space.
Why? You miss out on togetherness. There's no sense of belonging to a bigger picture. You miss out on difference. You’re a unique part of a bigger whole. You don’t see yourself in proportion. You miss out on interdependence - the wonderful feeling of a whole group achieving something bigger than you could do yourself.
It is not good for someone to be alone – in the social space
You miss out on togetherness – the feeling of belonging to ‘these people’. You miss out on difference – opportunities to get to know different others, to learn new information, to experience new things. You miss out on interdependence – the neighbourliness, the asking of little favours, being able to serve people in those ways.
It is not good for someone to be alone – in the personal space
You miss out on togetherness – the warm care and acceptance of others. Experiencing your own feelings, and sharing others’ joy and burdens. You miss the joy of a friendship, and the excitement of working towards something together. You miss out on difference – the fun of trying to understand your friends, learning from them. You miss the ability to demonstrate and receive grace. You miss out on interdependence Needing to need and be needed, the sharpening of your mind and refining of your character.
It is not good for someone to be alone – in the intimate space
You miss out on togetherness – the joy of being with someone who really loves you and sharing the deepest part of your soul. You miss out on difference – loving someone who is not you. You miss out on interdependence – the joy of being completely accepted, learning stronger lessons about love.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
'You and God' isn't enough.
I've heard it said that if you have a relationship with God, you have everything you need.
And of course, that is true. But if you take that statement to mean that you don't need people, you've got the meaning wrong.
Check out Genesis. The first chapter is a real triumph of creativity and blessing. God creating this fabulous planet, solar system, universe. It works well, it looks unreal, there are plants, animals, sun, moon, weather systems, geological systems. It is good, good, good, good, good, God says over and over again.
Until we get to Genesis 2:18.
“It is not good for a man to be alone”. God says in Genesis 2:18.
And my question is: why the heck not?
The reason why it is not good to be alone is: because we are made in the image of God.
Genesis 1:27 says: God created people in his own image; God patterned them after himself; male and female he created them.
What difference does that make?
God is one. But he is also three, in the Trinity. The Trinity is something that usually comes up in Sunday school and we all get out the egg illustration. How can God be one and three together? And who cares anyway? Does it make any difference to how I live my life?
Well, yes, actually.
God’s personhood shapes our identity as people. It shapes how we relate to other people.
God being trinity – three in one – shows us three things:
1. It’s not good to be alone. Why? Because: God at his very heart is relational. Each person of the Trinity is named in relation to the other – eg. The Father, the Son, Spirit of...
2. It’s good to be different and unique. Why? Because each person of the Trinity is different and unique. The Father is not the Son, is not the Spirit, is not the Father.
3. Loving interdependence is the way to relate. Why? Because the internal relationship of God is love. His nature is eternal togetherness. In his very being, God chooses to ‘be’ for others. There is a clear language of affection of love between the distinct persons in the Trinity. The god of the Bible is a personal God who is personal in his actions. He is a God of unyielding love who seeks us out for relationship. He loves us more than he loves himself. Loving is God’s very being.
So being truly human is finding your true being in relationship with God – and with others, because we are made in God’s image.
Ultimate reality is relational reality. In other words, if you are living apart from God and people, you are not really living.
The fact that God is a Trinity has dramatic consequences to the nature of our relationships with others. If we really believe that God is God, and that we are made in his image, we will think about our relationships differently.
1. Togetherness.
Instead of chasing our own stuff, and using people in order to achieve our own ends, we will be looking to serve God and others. We’ll be considering their needs above our own.
2. Difference.
Ever noticed that there’s a big push in society to make everyone the same? People are pretty scared of difference. It’s threatening. But from God’s point of view, we can appreciate diversity because each person in the Trinity is unique. Every person has unique qualities that we can embrace and appreciate. Also, in our close relationships, we won’t get enmeshed. We can be close, but separate.
3. Interdependence.
Heard this phrase? No man is an island? Understanding the character of God in the Trinity means that we have a great understanding of the idea of the body! What one person does affects another. What one person needs can be supplied by another. What one person is trying to accomplish can be helped along by another. We don’t have to be self-sufficient, independent or a ‘solitary hero’. In fact, it’s unchristian to be so!
Being the person God created you to be means that you cannot embrace individualism, you can’t live separated from others, you cannot truly be self-sufficient.
We need to be in relationships with people. It’s essential to our proper life as people. It’s the way God designed us. If we’re not, we are missing a whole part of how life is supposed to be.
And, our relationships must have these three qualities: togetherness, interdependence, difference.
Most of this post is based on my husband's post on the Trinity! So thanks AP
And of course, that is true. But if you take that statement to mean that you don't need people, you've got the meaning wrong.
Check out Genesis. The first chapter is a real triumph of creativity and blessing. God creating this fabulous planet, solar system, universe. It works well, it looks unreal, there are plants, animals, sun, moon, weather systems, geological systems. It is good, good, good, good, good, God says over and over again.
Until we get to Genesis 2:18.
“It is not good for a man to be alone”. God says in Genesis 2:18.
And my question is: why the heck not?
The reason why it is not good to be alone is: because we are made in the image of God.
Genesis 1:27 says: God created people in his own image; God patterned them after himself; male and female he created them.
What difference does that make?
God is one. But he is also three, in the Trinity. The Trinity is something that usually comes up in Sunday school and we all get out the egg illustration. How can God be one and three together? And who cares anyway? Does it make any difference to how I live my life?
Well, yes, actually.
God’s personhood shapes our identity as people. It shapes how we relate to other people.
God being trinity – three in one – shows us three things:
1. It’s not good to be alone. Why? Because: God at his very heart is relational. Each person of the Trinity is named in relation to the other – eg. The Father, the Son, Spirit of...
2. It’s good to be different and unique. Why? Because each person of the Trinity is different and unique. The Father is not the Son, is not the Spirit, is not the Father.
3. Loving interdependence is the way to relate. Why? Because the internal relationship of God is love. His nature is eternal togetherness. In his very being, God chooses to ‘be’ for others. There is a clear language of affection of love between the distinct persons in the Trinity. The god of the Bible is a personal God who is personal in his actions. He is a God of unyielding love who seeks us out for relationship. He loves us more than he loves himself. Loving is God’s very being.
So being truly human is finding your true being in relationship with God – and with others, because we are made in God’s image.
Ultimate reality is relational reality. In other words, if you are living apart from God and people, you are not really living.
The fact that God is a Trinity has dramatic consequences to the nature of our relationships with others. If we really believe that God is God, and that we are made in his image, we will think about our relationships differently.
1. Togetherness.
Instead of chasing our own stuff, and using people in order to achieve our own ends, we will be looking to serve God and others. We’ll be considering their needs above our own.
2. Difference.
Ever noticed that there’s a big push in society to make everyone the same? People are pretty scared of difference. It’s threatening. But from God’s point of view, we can appreciate diversity because each person in the Trinity is unique. Every person has unique qualities that we can embrace and appreciate. Also, in our close relationships, we won’t get enmeshed. We can be close, but separate.
3. Interdependence.
Heard this phrase? No man is an island? Understanding the character of God in the Trinity means that we have a great understanding of the idea of the body! What one person does affects another. What one person needs can be supplied by another. What one person is trying to accomplish can be helped along by another. We don’t have to be self-sufficient, independent or a ‘solitary hero’. In fact, it’s unchristian to be so!
Being the person God created you to be means that you cannot embrace individualism, you can’t live separated from others, you cannot truly be self-sufficient.
We need to be in relationships with people. It’s essential to our proper life as people. It’s the way God designed us. If we’re not, we are missing a whole part of how life is supposed to be.
And, our relationships must have these three qualities: togetherness, interdependence, difference.
Most of this post is based on my husband's post on the Trinity! So thanks AP
Monday, June 11, 2007
Who am I?
A friend blogged about personality types, according to the Myers Briggs test.
I took this test when I was 15, amongst our high school group of about 30 students. I came out with an unusual combination. The only person who had the same result was the only person I really didn't like in the whole group.
I took it again today, and had a slightly different result* from my teenage self.
ENFJ is now my label, and it looks like I've done the right sorts of jobs for my type so far in life. See how you fare.
*I came out an exact middle between extrovert and introvert as a teenager. This time I am a moderate extrovert, which is probably due to more maturity and experience.
I took this test when I was 15, amongst our high school group of about 30 students. I came out with an unusual combination. The only person who had the same result was the only person I really didn't like in the whole group.
I took it again today, and had a slightly different result* from my teenage self.
ENFJ is now my label, and it looks like I've done the right sorts of jobs for my type so far in life. See how you fare.
*I came out an exact middle between extrovert and introvert as a teenager. This time I am a moderate extrovert, which is probably due to more maturity and experience.
Saturday, June 09, 2007
If there were only five* movies left in the world...
... I hope they would be these.
1. Dead Poets Society
I still cry in the last scene when Ethan Hawke stands on the desk and says "Oh Captain My Captain".
2. Strictly Ballroom
Wild, wacky, tragic, glitzy. The script is perfect. And I'm a sucker for a dancing movie.
3. Quiz Show
This explores the inside of dishonesty, lying and guilt with personally devestating consequences. Based on a true story.
4. Crash
Intersecting stories based around racism and prejudice. Some very impressive cinematography and interesting characters.
5. The Last King of Scotland
A young man makes amoral decisions, which in his own country would have nondescript consequences, but in Idi Amin's Uganda, a situation of evil and violence, he finds himself working for evil and unable to escape. Violent, but real. It made me question the ultimate consequences of some of my own decisions. And then repent.
*My cinema and film knowledge is a little bit limited. So I couldn't actually come up with ten!
1. Dead Poets Society
I still cry in the last scene when Ethan Hawke stands on the desk and says "Oh Captain My Captain".
2. Strictly Ballroom
Wild, wacky, tragic, glitzy. The script is perfect. And I'm a sucker for a dancing movie.
3. Quiz Show
This explores the inside of dishonesty, lying and guilt with personally devestating consequences. Based on a true story.
4. Crash
Intersecting stories based around racism and prejudice. Some very impressive cinematography and interesting characters.
5. The Last King of Scotland
A young man makes amoral decisions, which in his own country would have nondescript consequences, but in Idi Amin's Uganda, a situation of evil and violence, he finds himself working for evil and unable to escape. Violent, but real. It made me question the ultimate consequences of some of my own decisions. And then repent.
*My cinema and film knowledge is a little bit limited. So I couldn't actually come up with ten!
Friday, June 08, 2007
If there were only ten books left in the world...
... I hope they would be these:
1. The Bible
Obvious reasons. Source of true life, wisdom, comfort, rebuke, encouragement, knowledge of God and the plan of salvation, let alone some of the greatest literature ever written.
2. To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee
Her 'voice' is flawless. The child's perspective gives so much more to the story. The structure works beautifully. And I want to marry (or failing that, be just like) Atticus Finch.
3. How People Grow, Cloud and Townsend
Simply the best, most practical book I've read on how theology and Christian growth work together. Real answers for real problems of Christian living.
4. Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen
I couldn't choose which Austen I wanted, so I had to put in the four best. Her characters are peerless, her insight is perfect and her dialogue works.
5. Mansfield Park, Austen
I love the use of place in this novel, and I do like Fanny Price, no matter what anyone says.
6. Persuasion, Austen
The beauty of a quiet, wise spirit in Anne.
7. Emma, Austen
I used to think I was Emma. Thankfully I think I've grown up a little. But she's good for a groan and a cringe. And the inimitable Miss Bates and Mrs Elton are too good to miss.
8. Vanity Fair, WM Thackeray
Every time I read this tome (it's a big'un) I find something new and delightful and horrible. A good drawing of very flawed characters.
9. The Divided Self, Marlene Cohen
When I read this first I was amazed at how clearly she could talk about the splits in the Christian life. I re-read this every couple of years and learn something new.
10. These Happy Golden Years, Laura Ingalls Wilder
This book is like chicken soup for the soul. I loved it as a child. I love it still. If I could add in all the rest of the series, I would too.
1. The Bible
Obvious reasons. Source of true life, wisdom, comfort, rebuke, encouragement, knowledge of God and the plan of salvation, let alone some of the greatest literature ever written.
2. To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee
Her 'voice' is flawless. The child's perspective gives so much more to the story. The structure works beautifully. And I want to marry (or failing that, be just like) Atticus Finch.
3. How People Grow, Cloud and Townsend
Simply the best, most practical book I've read on how theology and Christian growth work together. Real answers for real problems of Christian living.
4. Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen
I couldn't choose which Austen I wanted, so I had to put in the four best. Her characters are peerless, her insight is perfect and her dialogue works.
5. Mansfield Park, Austen
I love the use of place in this novel, and I do like Fanny Price, no matter what anyone says.
6. Persuasion, Austen
The beauty of a quiet, wise spirit in Anne.
7. Emma, Austen
I used to think I was Emma. Thankfully I think I've grown up a little. But she's good for a groan and a cringe. And the inimitable Miss Bates and Mrs Elton are too good to miss.
8. Vanity Fair, WM Thackeray
Every time I read this tome (it's a big'un) I find something new and delightful and horrible. A good drawing of very flawed characters.
9. The Divided Self, Marlene Cohen
When I read this first I was amazed at how clearly she could talk about the splits in the Christian life. I re-read this every couple of years and learn something new.
10. These Happy Golden Years, Laura Ingalls Wilder
This book is like chicken soup for the soul. I loved it as a child. I love it still. If I could add in all the rest of the series, I would too.
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Turn the other
A small example of how this verse can work.
"You have heard that the law of Moses says, 'If an eye is injured, injure the eye of the person who did it. If a tooth gets knocked out, knock out the tooth of the person who did it.' But I say, don't resist an evil person! If you are slapped on the right cheek, turn the other, too." Matthew 5:38-39
From the age of 11 until the age of 15, I went to boarding school in the beautiful Himalayas in Pakistan.
The setting was incredible, but it didn't always transfer across to relationships. Like any teenage girls, we all had our fair share of difficulties with our friends.
In eighth grade, I was sharing a room with four girls, including one called Grace. Up until this point we had been reasonably good friends. But one day, very suddenly, she took a huge dislike to me, without telling me why. She wouldn't speak to me or look at me. She ignored me completely at meals, in the dorm room and in class. It was a small school, and this was actually pretty hard to do, but she made a great job of it. It was as if I didn’t exist any longer in her world.
I was very upset for a few weeks. I tried to get her to talk to me and tell me what I’d done, but she refused.
So after a while, I decided that she could be as ridiculous as she liked, but that I would still be pleasant to her. So every time I passed her in the hall, I said ‘hi Grace’. I smiled at her pleasantly. I asked her to pass things at meals, and I was as conciliatory as I could be, without being cloying or over the top.
She ignored me successfully for about six weeks. And then one day, came up to me out of the blue. “Can I talk to you?”
“I’m really sorry," she said. "I just decided I didn’t like you one day and I was unfair and mean to you. But you kept being nice to me, even when I was being horrible. And I feel bad and I need to apologise.”
We were friends again! We were never best friends again after that, but at least we had a pleasant relationship and were on good terms. And I felt secretly pleased that my Christian behaviour had worked!
"You have heard that the law of Moses says, 'If an eye is injured, injure the eye of the person who did it. If a tooth gets knocked out, knock out the tooth of the person who did it.' But I say, don't resist an evil person! If you are slapped on the right cheek, turn the other, too." Matthew 5:38-39
From the age of 11 until the age of 15, I went to boarding school in the beautiful Himalayas in Pakistan.
The setting was incredible, but it didn't always transfer across to relationships. Like any teenage girls, we all had our fair share of difficulties with our friends.
In eighth grade, I was sharing a room with four girls, including one called Grace. Up until this point we had been reasonably good friends. But one day, very suddenly, she took a huge dislike to me, without telling me why. She wouldn't speak to me or look at me. She ignored me completely at meals, in the dorm room and in class. It was a small school, and this was actually pretty hard to do, but she made a great job of it. It was as if I didn’t exist any longer in her world.
I was very upset for a few weeks. I tried to get her to talk to me and tell me what I’d done, but she refused.
So after a while, I decided that she could be as ridiculous as she liked, but that I would still be pleasant to her. So every time I passed her in the hall, I said ‘hi Grace’. I smiled at her pleasantly. I asked her to pass things at meals, and I was as conciliatory as I could be, without being cloying or over the top.
She ignored me successfully for about six weeks. And then one day, came up to me out of the blue. “Can I talk to you?”
“I’m really sorry," she said. "I just decided I didn’t like you one day and I was unfair and mean to you. But you kept being nice to me, even when I was being horrible. And I feel bad and I need to apologise.”
We were friends again! We were never best friends again after that, but at least we had a pleasant relationship and were on good terms. And I felt secretly pleased that my Christian behaviour had worked!
So many options, so little time
We were having a conversation with our seven year old this morning.
Her: I'm going to be a professor or a scientist when I grow up.
Us: That's interesting. Do you like science a lot?
Her: (screwing up her nose) Oh, no. No, I don't like science at all.
Us: You might have to choose something else then.
Her: Don't worry. I've got options.
Us: Oh really? Such as?
Her: Well, hairdresser, shopkeeper, teacher, book writer, Prime Minister, minister in a church, or just a person who goes to church.
Us: Ummmm, great! (what do you say at this point?)
Her: I'm going to be a professor or a scientist when I grow up.
Us: That's interesting. Do you like science a lot?
Her: (screwing up her nose) Oh, no. No, I don't like science at all.
Us: You might have to choose something else then.
Her: Don't worry. I've got options.
Us: Oh really? Such as?
Her: Well, hairdresser, shopkeeper, teacher, book writer, Prime Minister, minister in a church, or just a person who goes to church.
Us: Ummmm, great! (what do you say at this point?)
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Belonging II - whoops!
Y'know what? I've blogged on this before!
As I pasted in my notes, I thought, "this looks familiar" and I dug back in the archives to see if it was there.
And it was. Apologies to those who read it already. If you didn't, you might like to go back and check it out.
As I pasted in my notes, I thought, "this looks familiar" and I dug back in the archives to see if it was there.
And it was. Apologies to those who read it already. If you didn't, you might like to go back and check it out.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Belonging I
Ever been told that 'the best way to really belong to this church is to join a small group'?
Small groups can be great things. But did you know that across the board, only about 30 per cent of congregation members ever end up staying in them?
If they are the place in which people find 'belonging' in the church, then does that mean that the 70 per cent who don't find their place in a small group really don't belong?
Joseph Myers' book The Search to Belong has an interesting take on the whole idea of belonging. (Check out Myers' blogspace here.)
He argues that there are four 'spaces' or types of belonging. And small groups only deliver one or two specific kinds of connection. A person’s search for community is far more complex than this. People can experience belonging in groups ranging in size from 2 to 2000.
Watch this space for more on the four spaces of belonging. It's a concept I'll be bringing into my talks on friendship in July.
Small groups can be great things. But did you know that across the board, only about 30 per cent of congregation members ever end up staying in them?
If they are the place in which people find 'belonging' in the church, then does that mean that the 70 per cent who don't find their place in a small group really don't belong?
Joseph Myers' book The Search to Belong has an interesting take on the whole idea of belonging. (Check out Myers' blogspace here.)
He argues that there are four 'spaces' or types of belonging. And small groups only deliver one or two specific kinds of connection. A person’s search for community is far more complex than this. People can experience belonging in groups ranging in size from 2 to 2000.
Watch this space for more on the four spaces of belonging. It's a concept I'll be bringing into my talks on friendship in July.
Sunday, June 03, 2007
Two things
First, I successfully knitted a pair of baby mittens. Yeah!
Second, there's an evangelical day conference coming up in August that I'm planning to go to. It's called 'Better Together', looking at men and women using their God-given gifts together in ministry and in life. Just letting you know. Maybe see you there?
Second, there's an evangelical day conference coming up in August that I'm planning to go to. It's called 'Better Together', looking at men and women using their God-given gifts together in ministry and in life. Just letting you know. Maybe see you there?
If I publish this word, this site will come up as objectionable
Our sermon at church today was on 1 Corinthians 5, and the issue of sexual immorality and church discipline. It reminded me of a talk I gave teenagers once on why they would do best to wait until marriage before they 'get into it'. Apart from the fact that the Bible speaks strongly against extra-marital sex, here are some of the reasons why.
If you wait until marriage, you can know that the person likes you for who you are, and not because you’ll go all the way.
If you wait, you can have a good confidence that both you and your partner will be able to stand firm in the face of other temptations in the future. For example, they should be able to resist having affairs if they have resisted hopping into bed with you.
If you wait, you can focus on communication skills and develop a good non-sexual relationship, which will stand your marriage in good stead for the future.
Research shows that marriages that start out as live-together have a 50% higher divorce rate.
Communication relies on words ,and body language. Having sex is the ultimate body language. It sends really strong messages to you and the other person.
The messages sent are: “I really care about you, I really want to be with you. I want to look after you. I only want you.” If you say these things with your body, but you won’t say them with your words, you are lying to the other person.
Marriage is when you say these words with your mouth, and you say them with your body.
Lying to people – whether with words, or with your body - has terrible consequences. People who are lied to lose the ability to trust. They begin to lie themselves. If you lie to people, you rip them off.
Having sex is like giving the most precious part of yourself away. You need to know that the person you give it to will respect, love and look after you, so you won’t be hurt. Marriage formalises that bond, and allows you to give to each other with freedom and joy, rather than fear it will be rejected.
If you have sex with someone else, you are stealing that freedom from yourself, from your partner, and from the spouses you both might have in the future. Every person you have sex with – you will remember. It’ll be like taking them to bed with you whenever you do it with your spouse. Do you want to marry someone who’s bringing all their exes to bed with them whenever they come to you?
Instead of wishing you could have sex now (if you’re single) why not start working towards preparing yourself to be a great marriage partner for whoever you marry in the future. Work on your patience, forgiveness, love, courage, honesty, sense of humour and faithfulness.
Since the Pill, we've had 'sex without consequences' - or have we? There are still physical results of sex. Sure, you might not get pregnant if you take the pill or use condoms. But then again, you might. Accidents do happen! And when they do, they produce babies.
Babies need two parents. Better than that, they need two mature parents. Don’t rip your future children off.
STDs are also prevalent. 1 in 5 between 15 and 55 is infected with an STD. Some can make you infertile.
God is not a kill-joy. He only wants the best for you. Sex is wonderful when used how it is meant to be used.
If you wait until marriage, you can know that the person likes you for who you are, and not because you’ll go all the way.
If you wait, you can have a good confidence that both you and your partner will be able to stand firm in the face of other temptations in the future. For example, they should be able to resist having affairs if they have resisted hopping into bed with you.
If you wait, you can focus on communication skills and develop a good non-sexual relationship, which will stand your marriage in good stead for the future.
Research shows that marriages that start out as live-together have a 50% higher divorce rate.
Communication relies on words ,and body language. Having sex is the ultimate body language. It sends really strong messages to you and the other person.
The messages sent are: “I really care about you, I really want to be with you. I want to look after you. I only want you.” If you say these things with your body, but you won’t say them with your words, you are lying to the other person.
Marriage is when you say these words with your mouth, and you say them with your body.
Lying to people – whether with words, or with your body - has terrible consequences. People who are lied to lose the ability to trust. They begin to lie themselves. If you lie to people, you rip them off.
Having sex is like giving the most precious part of yourself away. You need to know that the person you give it to will respect, love and look after you, so you won’t be hurt. Marriage formalises that bond, and allows you to give to each other with freedom and joy, rather than fear it will be rejected.
If you have sex with someone else, you are stealing that freedom from yourself, from your partner, and from the spouses you both might have in the future. Every person you have sex with – you will remember. It’ll be like taking them to bed with you whenever you do it with your spouse. Do you want to marry someone who’s bringing all their exes to bed with them whenever they come to you?
Instead of wishing you could have sex now (if you’re single) why not start working towards preparing yourself to be a great marriage partner for whoever you marry in the future. Work on your patience, forgiveness, love, courage, honesty, sense of humour and faithfulness.
Since the Pill, we've had 'sex without consequences' - or have we? There are still physical results of sex. Sure, you might not get pregnant if you take the pill or use condoms. But then again, you might. Accidents do happen! And when they do, they produce babies.
Babies need two parents. Better than that, they need two mature parents. Don’t rip your future children off.
STDs are also prevalent. 1 in 5 between 15 and 55 is infected with an STD. Some can make you infertile.
God is not a kill-joy. He only wants the best for you. Sex is wonderful when used how it is meant to be used.
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