What sort of person are you?

Did you ever read or hear a comment like this?

"You can tell what sort of person someone is by the state of their fingernails."

There are all sorts of judgments and pronouncements about people out there. Things I've heard over the years include:

- you can tell all you need to know about someone by seeing if their shoes are scuffed or polished.

- the mark of the man is in what kind of watch he wears.

- a housewife is slovenly if her kitchen sink is not shiny and clean at all times.

Unfortunately I wouldn't pass any of these people's tests. I bit my nails until I was 24 and even now they go through iffy stages. My shoes are the last thing I look at when I get dressed. Neither my husband nor I wear watches (and we're never late). I'll leave it to you to guess about my kitchen sink. (Suffice to say, I'm not the sort of housewife who irons her sheets...)

For a while, hearing this kind of judgment used to worry me. What kind of person was I really, if I didn't have shiny shoes? Perhaps I was just a pretender in life, waltzing blindly through the fine art of home-making with a dirty sink.

It doesn't worry me so much any more. I'm a little more secure in myself now that I realise that the majority of the world either doesn't own a watch, or bought the mid-range one at Target.

Most of the time I laugh at these sorts of judgments. They are just someone else's silly idea of what makes a person important or worthwhile.

Then I realise that I carry around my own unconscious judgments... which are just as silly. Things like:

Important and worthwhile people all use correct grammar and spelling and have good handwriting, never wear joggers with jeans, always use deodorant and have good spatial and logic skills.

Important and worthwhile people can drive, can keep a budget and read the Sydney Morning Herald.

Important and worthwhile people can always articulate what they mean quickly, don't waste time and leave interesting comments on other people's blogs... (no, the last one is a joke...)


It's just so so so easy to judge.

In this case, it's style over substance

In my quest to gain more knowledge and wisdom about friendship and belonging, I've been reading some more books.

An intriguing title I picked up at my local (wonderful) library is by Deborah Tannen - That's Not What I Meant. She's a linguist who argues that conversational style can make or break your relations with others.

Think about someone you've recently met for the first time. What was your impression of that person? Did he appear intelligent? Overbearing? Perhaps a little dull, or just shy and polite.

Tannen's argument is that conversational style sends out signals that most people read as character signals. But the two may not match up.

For example, people speak at different speeds. People from a slow-talking area (out in the country?) think that fast-talkers (from the city?) are overbearing. But fast-talkers think slow-talkers are stupid.

Slow-talkers think of themselves as polite and laid-back. Fast-talkers think of themselves as smart and efficient.

Conversational style is not just about speed. It involves volume, intonation, choice of words and timing.

When we chat to people, we usually think in terms of intentions (are they rude, polite, interested?) and character (she’s nice, he’s not).

But Tannen's book turns this on its head. She says that many instances of rudeness, stubbornness, inconsiderateness or refusal to cooperate are really caused by differences in conversational style.

And if we knew a little more about our own style, compared with the style of others, a lot of miscommunications and relationship difficulties could be avoided.

How to win friends

I'm still trowelling around for material on friendships and belonging to incorporate in my upcoming series of talks at the Missionary Kid camp later this year. At the (wonderful) local library, I found Dale Carnegie’s world-famous book How to win friends and influence people. I didn't know that it was first published in 1936!

Below is a quick summary of some of his major points. They're basic common sense, but easy to forget.

Dale Carnegie's fundamental techniques in handling people

-- Don’t criticise, condemn or complain
-- Give honest and sincere appreciation
-- Arouse in the other person an eager want

Dale Carnegie's Six Ways to Make People like you

-- Become genuinely interested in other people
-- Smile.
-- Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
-- Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
-- Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
-- Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely.