I’ve been struck recently by the way I see God relating to people in the Bible. The story of Moses is first of all a story of great disappointments and failures. Why did God let it happen this way? And how did Moses go on to become the greatest prophet in Israel’s history? Check out Exodus 2 to 4 for the narrative.
Moses was born at a time of great persecution against the Israelite slaves in Egypt, but miraculously escaped death – one of the only little boys of his generation to survive. He was rescued by an Egyptian princess and brought up by her. Even his name which means ‘brought out of the water’ labelled him as special.
But can you imagine how hard it would have been for him as a young person? Even though he was an Israelite, he wasn’t really one of them. And even though he was the son of an Egyptian princess, he wasn’t really an Egyptian.
The story says that when he was a young man he went out and watched his people – the Israelites.
Was he making an effort to see and identify their problems and perhaps look for a solution? I think he must have had some idea that he was special, or saved for the purpose of saving the Israelite people in some way.
Because when he saw an Egyptian beating an Israelite, he felt he just had to intervene. He killed the Egyptian and buried him in the sand.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t the greatest intervention of all time. I mean – what was he thinking? Killing one Egyptian wouldn’t change the regime!
He then had a second go at solving the Israelites problems, with persuasion – getting the Israelites to work together instead of against each other. But that didn’t work either. He just got a mouthful of abuse.
When he realises that his efforts have come to nothing, Moses has to flee. And by the time he gets to Midian, he realises that he has been a failure, and a reject.
Here are some of the ways he’s been rejected:
- rejected at birth by the Egyptians – not meant to live.
- ‘rejected’ even if not willingly by his own family – because he couldn’t live with them.
- rejected by Egyptian society – not considered really Egyptian – or perhaps he may himself have rejected them.
- rejected by his own people when he tried to help.
- The consequences of his own impulsive personality in killing the Egyptian meant that finally he was rejected from Egypt when he had to flee for murder.
So Moses moved on. He started a new life, got a new job as a shepherd, kept himself busy and made a living. But he took all his rejections and failures with him, and he still felt them very keenly.
Fancy naming your child “I have become an alien in a foreign land.” When I was pregnant I never found that in a baby name book. It’s really a cry of frustration, and of desperation. He takes on his feelings of failure and rejection in his own identity by naming his son.
From being a person with so much promise, and so many miracles and wonderful things in his early life, he’s now seen by other people as a failure, and he’s seen by himself as an outcast. From being a big somebody, he’s now an even bigger nobody.
Why did it happen? How did Moses get over it? Where was God in all of it?
Watch my next blog for some answers…
Friday, June 30, 2006
Monday, June 26, 2006
If it's deep, you have to swim
One of my all-time favourite things in life is to take a dip in the surf.
There are different ways you can do this. The easiest and quickest way is just roll up your jeans and wade around in the shallows. You can jump over a few tiddly waves and dig your toes into the sand. It's pleasant and reasonably refreshing and you don't have to do too much.
Or you can put on your swimmers and go right in with the bigger waves. That's a lot more exciting and invigorating. Standing up to your waist or chest in the water is a wonderful experience.
The best sort of dip for me though is to plunge headfirst into the surf and allow myself to be completely immersed in the deep water. To go out where I can't feel the bottom and where I have to swim is amazingly freeing. Afterwards I feel wholly refreshed and alive.
Today while I was reading Philippians 1:9-10, I stumbled across the idea of love abounding with depth of insight.
And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, 10 so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ...
When our spiritual insight is shallow, we are happy to wade around. We love a little, but we're not overtaken by that love. It's not a life-changing love.
When our spiritual insight is deep, we have to swim! Depth of insight requires more from us, but it gives much more as well. The love that will abound from depth of insight will be a love that is amazingly freeing. And having experienced it, we will be more wholly refreshed and alive.
There are different ways you can do this. The easiest and quickest way is just roll up your jeans and wade around in the shallows. You can jump over a few tiddly waves and dig your toes into the sand. It's pleasant and reasonably refreshing and you don't have to do too much.
Or you can put on your swimmers and go right in with the bigger waves. That's a lot more exciting and invigorating. Standing up to your waist or chest in the water is a wonderful experience.
The best sort of dip for me though is to plunge headfirst into the surf and allow myself to be completely immersed in the deep water. To go out where I can't feel the bottom and where I have to swim is amazingly freeing. Afterwards I feel wholly refreshed and alive.
Today while I was reading Philippians 1:9-10, I stumbled across the idea of love abounding with depth of insight.
And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, 10 so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ...
When our spiritual insight is shallow, we are happy to wade around. We love a little, but we're not overtaken by that love. It's not a life-changing love.
When our spiritual insight is deep, we have to swim! Depth of insight requires more from us, but it gives much more as well. The love that will abound from depth of insight will be a love that is amazingly freeing. And having experienced it, we will be more wholly refreshed and alive.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Mothers
Some of the most important things I have learned in life are these: perseverance, loyalty, discretion, unqualified acceptance of others, hard work and how to keep cupboards neat. I have tried to take on all of them, but keep having trouble with the last.
The person who has exemplified them to me is my mother. She has to be the most committed, most loyal, most dedicated person that I know. (She also has the neatest cupboards.)
My mother is fierce in the face of injustice and loving in the face of tears. She is not afraid of anything, and she has taught me not to be afraid either.
She is frequently the voice of common sense and reason in my head, and on the telephone too. When I feel sad or insecure, I call my mother for a reality fix.
I only hope when I'm her age, I'll be half the woman she is. Thanks mum.
The person who has exemplified them to me is my mother. She has to be the most committed, most loyal, most dedicated person that I know. (She also has the neatest cupboards.)
My mother is fierce in the face of injustice and loving in the face of tears. She is not afraid of anything, and she has taught me not to be afraid either.
She is frequently the voice of common sense and reason in my head, and on the telephone too. When I feel sad or insecure, I call my mother for a reality fix.
I only hope when I'm her age, I'll be half the woman she is. Thanks mum.
Friday, June 23, 2006
Patience comes... to those who wait
In every women's Bible study I've ever attended, every week someone's prayer point is for 'patience'. It's usually patience with children, but can also be patience with a husband or in a situation.
I'm willing to pray for it, but I want to know a bit more about it. Does patience magically fall from the sky or somehow get injected into us? What is the process of getting more patience? Is there a more specific prayer we could be praying?
One friend defined patience as 'waiting without complaining'. Is it a case of having to understand the bigger picture so you can cope with the frustrations of the now? Is patience merely another word for delayed gratification? Are there any benefits to patience apart from future ones?
What could be my specific request of God so that I could grow in patience?
I'm willing to pray for it, but I want to know a bit more about it. Does patience magically fall from the sky or somehow get injected into us? What is the process of getting more patience? Is there a more specific prayer we could be praying?
One friend defined patience as 'waiting without complaining'. Is it a case of having to understand the bigger picture so you can cope with the frustrations of the now? Is patience merely another word for delayed gratification? Are there any benefits to patience apart from future ones?
What could be my specific request of God so that I could grow in patience?
Thursday, June 22, 2006
some special people
Some people who have ‘refreshed my heart’ this week are:
My grandparents: they are wonderful examples of people who put God and others first. Some of the things they say:
“It’s so lovely to see you.”
“Thanks for coming.”
“What have you been doing this week?”
“How is… (whatever I told them about last week) ?”
“It’s of no eternal significance.”
“Give it over to the Lord.”
I appreciate them. I look up to them. And I aspire to be as patient as they are in multi-storey carparks.
My Thursday morning prayer friend: She is encouraging in her words. She makes a good cup of tea and remembers how I take it. She never indulges in self-righteous whingeing. She’s a good listener. She’s honest, down to earth and real. She’s inspiringly clever in the things she makes, and I just like her.
My sister in law: Fun, clever and interested in a lot of the same things as me. Her children are extraordinarily cute, and I’m glad she married my brother.
My parents in law: who give me a break every week and welcome us with wide smiles.
Thank you!
My grandparents: they are wonderful examples of people who put God and others first. Some of the things they say:
“It’s so lovely to see you.”
“Thanks for coming.”
“What have you been doing this week?”
“How is… (whatever I told them about last week) ?”
“It’s of no eternal significance.”
“Give it over to the Lord.”
I appreciate them. I look up to them. And I aspire to be as patient as they are in multi-storey carparks.
My Thursday morning prayer friend: She is encouraging in her words. She makes a good cup of tea and remembers how I take it. She never indulges in self-righteous whingeing. She’s a good listener. She’s honest, down to earth and real. She’s inspiringly clever in the things she makes, and I just like her.
My sister in law: Fun, clever and interested in a lot of the same things as me. Her children are extraordinarily cute, and I’m glad she married my brother.
My parents in law: who give me a break every week and welcome us with wide smiles.
Thank you!
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
What do you want me to do for you?
"What do you want me to do for you?"
What a great question. It's the question that Jesus asks two lots of people in a row in Mark 10.
Mark 10:35-37 35 And James and John, the sons of Zebedee, came up to him and said to him, "Teacher, we want you to do for us whatever we ask of you." 36 And he said to them, "What do you want me to do for you?" 37 And they said to him, "Grant us to sit, one at your right hand and one at your left, in your glory."
First up are James and John. I imagine them sidling up to him on the quiet. "Psst, Teacher..." They've got something to ask which not everyone else is going to like.
Jesus waits for their request: "What do you want me to do for you?"
James and John spell it out. They want to be next to him when he's king, when he's important. They want to be important too.
Jesus' reply is kind, given the circumstances. He doesn't reject them, but he does spell out that their request is inappropriate for those who are his followers. Christians are not to put themselves above others. In fact, they are to do the opposite - to serve others.
James and John's request is interesting and instructive for us as it stands, but keep reading and you'll see their request contrasted sharply with the request of the next guy Jesus encounters.
This time, it's a blind beggar. And he is making a LOT of noise.
Mark 10:47-52 And when he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to cry out and say, "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!" 48 And many rebuked him, telling him to be silent. But he cried out all the more, "Son of David, have mercy on me!" 49 And Jesus stopped and said, "Call him." And they called the blind man, saying to him, "Take heart. Get up; he is calling you." 50 And throwing off his cloak, he sprang up and came to Jesus. 51 And Jesus said to him, "What do you want me to do for you?" And the blind man said to him, "Rabbi, let me recover my sight." 52 And Jesus said to him, "Go your way; your faith has made you well." And immediately he recovered his sight and followed him on the way.
His whole being is focused on getting to Jesus, despite what other people say. Everyone around him is telling him to sit down and shut up, but he persists.
Jesus' question to him is exactly the same as the question he asked James and John: "What do you want me to do for you?"
But the blind beggar's answer is so different to the disciples: "I want to SEE!" His request is a heartfelt, genuine desire to be made whole. He knows he has a problem. He wants to be cured. He wants to be able to see.
And he gets his request, plus words of affirmation from Jesus: "Your faith has made you well."
I'm blown away by the contrast between these two stories. The disciples, who know Christ, but who desire importance and being put over others; the beggar, who only knew of Christ, but who desired most of all to be made whole.
Which do we want more often?
The other thing that amazes me is that Jesus stopped to ask them "What do you want?"
It would have been obvious that the blind beggar wanted healing, surely? And if Jesus knows everyone's thoughts, surely he could have known what James and John were after?
But despite Jesus' divinity, he didn't presume to speak for people, nor to do for them what they had not asked for.
Do I know what I want Jesus to do for me? Can I articulate my needs and desires, or do I muffle them in good-sounding Chrisitian jargon? Can I shout out with similar abandon to the blind beggar, "I want to SEE!"
What a great question. It's the question that Jesus asks two lots of people in a row in Mark 10.
Mark 10:35-37 35 And James and John, the sons of Zebedee, came up to him and said to him, "Teacher, we want you to do for us whatever we ask of you." 36 And he said to them, "What do you want me to do for you?" 37 And they said to him, "Grant us to sit, one at your right hand and one at your left, in your glory."
First up are James and John. I imagine them sidling up to him on the quiet. "Psst, Teacher..." They've got something to ask which not everyone else is going to like.
Jesus waits for their request: "What do you want me to do for you?"
James and John spell it out. They want to be next to him when he's king, when he's important. They want to be important too.
Jesus' reply is kind, given the circumstances. He doesn't reject them, but he does spell out that their request is inappropriate for those who are his followers. Christians are not to put themselves above others. In fact, they are to do the opposite - to serve others.
James and John's request is interesting and instructive for us as it stands, but keep reading and you'll see their request contrasted sharply with the request of the next guy Jesus encounters.
This time, it's a blind beggar. And he is making a LOT of noise.
Mark 10:47-52 And when he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to cry out and say, "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!" 48 And many rebuked him, telling him to be silent. But he cried out all the more, "Son of David, have mercy on me!" 49 And Jesus stopped and said, "Call him." And they called the blind man, saying to him, "Take heart. Get up; he is calling you." 50 And throwing off his cloak, he sprang up and came to Jesus. 51 And Jesus said to him, "What do you want me to do for you?" And the blind man said to him, "Rabbi, let me recover my sight." 52 And Jesus said to him, "Go your way; your faith has made you well." And immediately he recovered his sight and followed him on the way.
His whole being is focused on getting to Jesus, despite what other people say. Everyone around him is telling him to sit down and shut up, but he persists.
Jesus' question to him is exactly the same as the question he asked James and John: "What do you want me to do for you?"
But the blind beggar's answer is so different to the disciples: "I want to SEE!" His request is a heartfelt, genuine desire to be made whole. He knows he has a problem. He wants to be cured. He wants to be able to see.
And he gets his request, plus words of affirmation from Jesus: "Your faith has made you well."
I'm blown away by the contrast between these two stories. The disciples, who know Christ, but who desire importance and being put over others; the beggar, who only knew of Christ, but who desired most of all to be made whole.
Which do we want more often?
The other thing that amazes me is that Jesus stopped to ask them "What do you want?"
It would have been obvious that the blind beggar wanted healing, surely? And if Jesus knows everyone's thoughts, surely he could have known what James and John were after?
But despite Jesus' divinity, he didn't presume to speak for people, nor to do for them what they had not asked for.
Do I know what I want Jesus to do for me? Can I articulate my needs and desires, or do I muffle them in good-sounding Chrisitian jargon? Can I shout out with similar abandon to the blind beggar, "I want to SEE!"
Monday, June 19, 2006
Headaches?
An interesting quote:
You'll keep on getting headaches if you keep on banging your head against a wall.
Why have I had a headache at least twice a week for the last year???
You'll keep on getting headaches if you keep on banging your head against a wall.
Why have I had a headache at least twice a week for the last year???
Sunday, June 18, 2006
I'm just the girl who writes the blog
My husband and I were watching Smallville the other night. That's the show about the younger life of Clark Kent, aka Superman. As we watched the opening sequences, Andrew noticed one of the old cast members is no longer in it.
"Why did they get rid of him?" I asked.
"Oh, he was just the guy who knew Superman's identity, and now they can't do anything else with him," Andrew said.
Got me to thinking... in any story in any medium the protagonist is always a complex creature but the people around him can usually be summed up in a sentence. "She's her best friend/confidante." "He's the well-meaning but difficult father." "The boyfriend who's over-protective."
It's rare to see a movie or read a book where all the cast are equally unique, complex, special people, each with their own story to tell. In fact, the words 'support cast' sum up how most stories are told.
Is this because we each see our lives with ourselves as the centre and everyone else around us, even those nearest and dearest as just 'the support cast'? Do we so easily reduce everyone else down to a sentence?
"Why did they get rid of him?" I asked.
"Oh, he was just the guy who knew Superman's identity, and now they can't do anything else with him," Andrew said.
Got me to thinking... in any story in any medium the protagonist is always a complex creature but the people around him can usually be summed up in a sentence. "She's her best friend/confidante." "He's the well-meaning but difficult father." "The boyfriend who's over-protective."
It's rare to see a movie or read a book where all the cast are equally unique, complex, special people, each with their own story to tell. In fact, the words 'support cast' sum up how most stories are told.
Is this because we each see our lives with ourselves as the centre and everyone else around us, even those nearest and dearest as just 'the support cast'? Do we so easily reduce everyone else down to a sentence?
Saturday, June 17, 2006
pithy quotes
The secret to life is not having what you want, but wanting what you have.
Tension is who you should be. Relaxation is who you are.
Tension is who you should be. Relaxation is who you are.
Thinking about decisions
What's God's will for your life? How are you going to decide where to go and what to do? Here are some of the factors that seem to play a part in making this kind of decision. Are they things that affect your thinking too?
Passions and interests
It’s just not smart to ignore your individual talents. If you’re a people person and the job is an administrative one, you’ll go crazy. If you can’t stand people, yet you’re a great teacher, you probably won’t do much good in a pastoral setting. God’s gifts are given so that we can build up the church. Knowing your strengths as well your challenges will help narrow down your options. But then again, it’s best not to be too precious about it. Sometimes an unknown gift or passion can emerge just from trying out something new!
Risk
It’s really interesting that most Bible characters were asked by God to do things that involved faith, risk and stretching their comfort zones a lot. There’s a lot of talk about ‘protecting yourself in ministry’ these days – setting boundaries and knowing how much we can cope with. These things are good in their place. But as my mother always said, “You learn patience by having to be patient. You learn perseverance by having to persevere. You learn longsuffering by suffering long.” Are we becoming a little too safe in the decisions we make about serving God?
Need
You just have to talk to any missionary in any location to find out that Sydney Christians are well-off in so many ways. We have lots of Christian fellowship, an abundant supply of good resources and a church that treasures good doctrine. In many other parts of the world, the church is hampered by a lack of resources, personnel, teaching, freedom and opportunity. In Sydney as well, some areas are more ‘needy’ than others. Should you go to where the need is greater? Does the need equal the call?
Consensus
Getting wise Christian counsel is really useful. The opinions of people who we respect can have a great deal of influence on the decisions we make. CMS works a lot on this principle. If the many committees and the prospective missionaries and the receiving churches all agree, it’s a fairly sure indication that God is in the decision to send someone. On the other hand, some of the boldest outreach and most influential evangelism has been done by Christians who ignored the advice of their elders and struck out afresh, believing God had a specific plan for their life that they couldn’t ignore.
Prayer
Pretty obvious you’d think, but then, we are silly humans who tend to ignore the obvious. I shudder to think how many prayer-less decisions I have made in life! If we bathe decisions in prayer, surely we can expect that God will answer.
Serve God, not money
Like prayer, this seems obvious, but how much of a temptation is it for us all! Here comes the difficult weigh-up between wise stewardship and stepping out in faith. Accepting a job with no salary because you believe the need, the opportunity and the call is there might be simple obedience for some, but irresponsibility dressed up as faith for others. Is it a case of knowing yourself?
Opening doors
Many people have stories about how God ‘just worked out’ the circumstances surrounding their decisions. It might be having the roof blown off your house one night in a storm and then replaced within three days (yes, that’s pretty much how I caved in and agreed to go to college.) Is God really weaving all the events together to help open or shut doors on options for us? Or, should we knock harder to open what looks like a ‘closed’ door?
Family
We all have a responsibility to our families – both our own, and our extended families. But what does that mean? Some people may not be wise to put their marriage under extra stress from a difficult job. Others will thrive together on the challenge. The highest priority for some will be to make sure their children are protected and safe. The highest priority for others will be teaching them to be risk-takers and adventurers. And what about looking after elderly parents, or witnessing to non-believing in-laws? If we move away, are we neglecting them, or proving that we love Christ ‘above mother, brother, father…’?
Work relationships
The reality is that some people will always be easier to work with than others. Some teams are fabulous, others are rife with problems. Are we like Paul, who let John Mark go when he couldn’t get on with him, or are we more like Barnabas, who helped and encouraged the difficult people? Do we see a good working relationship as something that is essential to begin with, or something to aspire to?
It’s funny how when you start asking questions, you end up not with answers, but just a whole lot of other questions to answer. Perhaps Proverbs 19:21 has something to say. “There are many plans in a man’s heart, nevertheless the Lord’s counsel; that will stand”. What God does, he will do. And we’ll fit into it somewhere along the line.
Our choices are definitely important, but perhaps even more important is how we live out our lives having made those choices. It’s exciting to exercise our wisdom and prayer muscles in making decisions in all areas of life, including where to go and what to do after college. But in the end, what is really important is the faithfulness and obedience and love we demonstrate daily as we persevere to the end.
Passions and interests
It’s just not smart to ignore your individual talents. If you’re a people person and the job is an administrative one, you’ll go crazy. If you can’t stand people, yet you’re a great teacher, you probably won’t do much good in a pastoral setting. God’s gifts are given so that we can build up the church. Knowing your strengths as well your challenges will help narrow down your options. But then again, it’s best not to be too precious about it. Sometimes an unknown gift or passion can emerge just from trying out something new!
Risk
It’s really interesting that most Bible characters were asked by God to do things that involved faith, risk and stretching their comfort zones a lot. There’s a lot of talk about ‘protecting yourself in ministry’ these days – setting boundaries and knowing how much we can cope with. These things are good in their place. But as my mother always said, “You learn patience by having to be patient. You learn perseverance by having to persevere. You learn longsuffering by suffering long.” Are we becoming a little too safe in the decisions we make about serving God?
Need
You just have to talk to any missionary in any location to find out that Sydney Christians are well-off in so many ways. We have lots of Christian fellowship, an abundant supply of good resources and a church that treasures good doctrine. In many other parts of the world, the church is hampered by a lack of resources, personnel, teaching, freedom and opportunity. In Sydney as well, some areas are more ‘needy’ than others. Should you go to where the need is greater? Does the need equal the call?
Consensus
Getting wise Christian counsel is really useful. The opinions of people who we respect can have a great deal of influence on the decisions we make. CMS works a lot on this principle. If the many committees and the prospective missionaries and the receiving churches all agree, it’s a fairly sure indication that God is in the decision to send someone. On the other hand, some of the boldest outreach and most influential evangelism has been done by Christians who ignored the advice of their elders and struck out afresh, believing God had a specific plan for their life that they couldn’t ignore.
Prayer
Pretty obvious you’d think, but then, we are silly humans who tend to ignore the obvious. I shudder to think how many prayer-less decisions I have made in life! If we bathe decisions in prayer, surely we can expect that God will answer.
Serve God, not money
Like prayer, this seems obvious, but how much of a temptation is it for us all! Here comes the difficult weigh-up between wise stewardship and stepping out in faith. Accepting a job with no salary because you believe the need, the opportunity and the call is there might be simple obedience for some, but irresponsibility dressed up as faith for others. Is it a case of knowing yourself?
Opening doors
Many people have stories about how God ‘just worked out’ the circumstances surrounding their decisions. It might be having the roof blown off your house one night in a storm and then replaced within three days (yes, that’s pretty much how I caved in and agreed to go to college.) Is God really weaving all the events together to help open or shut doors on options for us? Or, should we knock harder to open what looks like a ‘closed’ door?
Family
We all have a responsibility to our families – both our own, and our extended families. But what does that mean? Some people may not be wise to put their marriage under extra stress from a difficult job. Others will thrive together on the challenge. The highest priority for some will be to make sure their children are protected and safe. The highest priority for others will be teaching them to be risk-takers and adventurers. And what about looking after elderly parents, or witnessing to non-believing in-laws? If we move away, are we neglecting them, or proving that we love Christ ‘above mother, brother, father…’?
Work relationships
The reality is that some people will always be easier to work with than others. Some teams are fabulous, others are rife with problems. Are we like Paul, who let John Mark go when he couldn’t get on with him, or are we more like Barnabas, who helped and encouraged the difficult people? Do we see a good working relationship as something that is essential to begin with, or something to aspire to?
It’s funny how when you start asking questions, you end up not with answers, but just a whole lot of other questions to answer. Perhaps Proverbs 19:21 has something to say. “There are many plans in a man’s heart, nevertheless the Lord’s counsel; that will stand”. What God does, he will do. And we’ll fit into it somewhere along the line.
Our choices are definitely important, but perhaps even more important is how we live out our lives having made those choices. It’s exciting to exercise our wisdom and prayer muscles in making decisions in all areas of life, including where to go and what to do after college. But in the end, what is really important is the faithfulness and obedience and love we demonstrate daily as we persevere to the end.
Practical tips: making friends
I wrote this article for the women's magazine of my husband's theological college. As most women at the college (or spouses of guys there) will expect to be moving around for the rest of their lives, a lot of them struggle with how to go about making friends. I've moved heaps, so here are my top tips!
Have realistic expectations
Most of us only have between three and six ‘best-friendships’ at any one time. Expect to have a few really close friends, a few more good friends, and a lot more people at ‘friendly acquaintance’ level.
What does your inner voice say?
Some of us have gnawing doubts about our own worth or whether others will like us. Others of us waltz through life assuming we will always be the most ‘popular girl in the school’. Both of these inner voices will affect our ability to make friends. Mediate on the fact that we all have something to offer, and we are all as valuable as each other because Christ loves us.
Just do it
For those of us who are shy, it’s hard enough to meet people for the first time. It takes a whole other effort to get to ‘friend’ level, but you’ve got to decide that you’ll take the steps to get there. If you do, you’ll have friends within six months.
Build history
The history that people share helps to build a friendship. It can be as simple as going to the beach or on a picnic, working on a church project, or having children playing in a paddling pool. And don’t wait to be invited. Invite them (or invite yourself). Even if they can’t go, you’ve shown you’re thinking about them, and that’s worth some warm feelings.
The pain of rejection
Someone might always be too busy or might be downright rude. Chances are the reason is probably not you. They might have their own problems, you might subconsciously remind them of a schoolyard enemy or they may be immature enough to feel that you are a threat to their own established friendships. On the other hand, it might be something you said or did that offended them. Either way, you probably won’t gain any ground by asking if you have upset them. Keep being friendly, but from a non-threatening, polite distance and work on the other friendships you have. After some time, the difficult person will probably come around.
Know when to give up
Some people think they don’t have room in their lives for new friends. The reality is that no matter how hard you try, they don’t want to get closer to you. This is especially so in churches where people have grown up together. Don’t take it personally, but do move on in time to find someone else who is looking for friends. They are always out there.
Listen to yourself
Are you the person who turns every conversation around to be ‘all about me’? Or the one who never stops talking about her children? Perhaps you’re the person who speaks in monosyllables or never starts a new topic of conversation, or who is ‘such a good listener’. Friendships are built on a balanced give and take in conversation. It’s not all about you, but neither is it all about them.
Small talk serves a purpose
Some people disdain small talk, preferring more ‘meaningful’ conversations. But small talk is useful and necessary for making friendships. It builds common ground and is a springboard to other topics.
Don’t talk about your other friends all the time
There’s nothing more disconcerting than people who go on and on about their ‘great friends’ elsewhere. It can sometimes make the ones who are trying to be friends feel only second-best. If you’re the one who has to compete with these old friends, be aware that the person is probably talking about you to them in the same way!
Don’t try too hard
There’s also nothing more disconcerting than people who appear desperate to have friends. If you really are that desperate, it’s time to get yourself to a counsellor or chat to your mother to work out those feelings. Then be strong enough to appear as if you aren’t going to live or die by the friendship you’re trying to make. People are always more attracted to others who don’t come across as needy.
Don’t be fake
Balance out the tip above with this: the opposite of needy is plastic unreal perfection, and neither extreme is helpful. While you don’t want to over-burden new friends with your needs, honesty in relationships is a beautiful Christian quality.
The power of place
Being in proximity to people helps firm up friendships. So go to places where you’ll see the same people regularly!
The value of time
It is a rare friendship that gets established straightaway. It takes at least six months in a new church before you start to feel comfortable and known, and at least a year before you feel you are starting to break into the established friendships and groups.
Prepare to be surprised
You might have an idea of the kind of people you’d prefer as friends, but don’t discount people who are out of your ‘box’, in age, life experience, interests or nationality. You might even end up friends with people you didn’t like at first.
Have realistic expectations
Most of us only have between three and six ‘best-friendships’ at any one time. Expect to have a few really close friends, a few more good friends, and a lot more people at ‘friendly acquaintance’ level.
What does your inner voice say?
Some of us have gnawing doubts about our own worth or whether others will like us. Others of us waltz through life assuming we will always be the most ‘popular girl in the school’. Both of these inner voices will affect our ability to make friends. Mediate on the fact that we all have something to offer, and we are all as valuable as each other because Christ loves us.
Just do it
For those of us who are shy, it’s hard enough to meet people for the first time. It takes a whole other effort to get to ‘friend’ level, but you’ve got to decide that you’ll take the steps to get there. If you do, you’ll have friends within six months.
Build history
The history that people share helps to build a friendship. It can be as simple as going to the beach or on a picnic, working on a church project, or having children playing in a paddling pool. And don’t wait to be invited. Invite them (or invite yourself). Even if they can’t go, you’ve shown you’re thinking about them, and that’s worth some warm feelings.
The pain of rejection
Someone might always be too busy or might be downright rude. Chances are the reason is probably not you. They might have their own problems, you might subconsciously remind them of a schoolyard enemy or they may be immature enough to feel that you are a threat to their own established friendships. On the other hand, it might be something you said or did that offended them. Either way, you probably won’t gain any ground by asking if you have upset them. Keep being friendly, but from a non-threatening, polite distance and work on the other friendships you have. After some time, the difficult person will probably come around.
Know when to give up
Some people think they don’t have room in their lives for new friends. The reality is that no matter how hard you try, they don’t want to get closer to you. This is especially so in churches where people have grown up together. Don’t take it personally, but do move on in time to find someone else who is looking for friends. They are always out there.
Listen to yourself
Are you the person who turns every conversation around to be ‘all about me’? Or the one who never stops talking about her children? Perhaps you’re the person who speaks in monosyllables or never starts a new topic of conversation, or who is ‘such a good listener’. Friendships are built on a balanced give and take in conversation. It’s not all about you, but neither is it all about them.
Small talk serves a purpose
Some people disdain small talk, preferring more ‘meaningful’ conversations. But small talk is useful and necessary for making friendships. It builds common ground and is a springboard to other topics.
Don’t talk about your other friends all the time
There’s nothing more disconcerting than people who go on and on about their ‘great friends’ elsewhere. It can sometimes make the ones who are trying to be friends feel only second-best. If you’re the one who has to compete with these old friends, be aware that the person is probably talking about you to them in the same way!
Don’t try too hard
There’s also nothing more disconcerting than people who appear desperate to have friends. If you really are that desperate, it’s time to get yourself to a counsellor or chat to your mother to work out those feelings. Then be strong enough to appear as if you aren’t going to live or die by the friendship you’re trying to make. People are always more attracted to others who don’t come across as needy.
Don’t be fake
Balance out the tip above with this: the opposite of needy is plastic unreal perfection, and neither extreme is helpful. While you don’t want to over-burden new friends with your needs, honesty in relationships is a beautiful Christian quality.
The power of place
Being in proximity to people helps firm up friendships. So go to places where you’ll see the same people regularly!
The value of time
It is a rare friendship that gets established straightaway. It takes at least six months in a new church before you start to feel comfortable and known, and at least a year before you feel you are starting to break into the established friendships and groups.
Prepare to be surprised
You might have an idea of the kind of people you’d prefer as friends, but don’t discount people who are out of your ‘box’, in age, life experience, interests or nationality. You might even end up friends with people you didn’t like at first.
Practical tips: welcoming at church
Ever been new to a church where no-one talked to you? It’s more common than we like to admit. A church may be really sincere about evangelising the neighbourhood, but so often the people who are actually coming in can be left out in the cold.
It’s rarely because people don’t want to welcome newcomers. Most of the time, people do want to be friendly. It’s simply that they don’t know how to do it very well.
Here are some simple tips to welcoming people effectively in our own churches. If you already do these things, share them with your congregation!
Problem: “I’m too shy.”
Answer: Find a ‘welcoming buddy’ at church and make it your plan talk to someone new every week together. Take a deep breath and put yourself in the new person’s shoes. Meditate on the Bible passages which talk about God taking away our fear. Pray that God will put just one person in your way to talk to. (He will.)
Problem: “I’m too busy organising things after church or just seeing my friends.”
Answer: Use the phone during the week. Arrange to catch up with your friends later. Or see welcoming as something you can do together with your friends.
Problem: “Welcoming’s not my job.”
Answer: Test out this theory: the person in the position of power is always looked to to take the first step. At college that means students look to faculty to initiate conversation with them at lunch. At church, it means the members are the ones who have to take the initiative. New people feel uncomfortable starting a conversation. You have to!
Problem: “I don’t know what to say to people. I’m not good at conversation.”
Answer: Conversation is actually a skill that can be learned. Every conversation has an opening, a middle and a closing. The trick is to get through all three in a gracious manner!
Open by tackling neutral subjects first. These might be the weather, the footy, a recent event (but not the Cronulla riots or anything political) the time of year or the traffic. Some neutral questions are: “Would you like a cuppa?” “How old are your children?” “Are you with the baptism today?”
Then move the subject on. People love to talk about themselves, so ask questions in a relaxed manner. Questions lead to other questions. An easy opening question is: “Do you live locally?” This can lead to “It must be interesting to see how the neighbourhood has changed over 75 years” or to “How have you found your first three days in Australia?”
Ending a conversation that’s stumbling or awkward doesn’t have to be hard. The best way to do it is to introduce your newcomer to someone else in the church, wait until their conversation is established, and then politely excuse yourself. If you and your friends can play ‘tag-team’ with new people, you’ll always have someone to introduce them to.
Problem: “I do try to talk to people, but they don’t seem to want to talk to me.”
Answer: Some people do seem very reserved and are hard to chat to. Rather than taking it personally, we need to think about the reason for it. They may be recently bereaved, or just feeling awkward about being in church. They may be naturally shy, or not used to being talked to. A good rule of thumb is to ask about five questions. If you’re really getting no response, excuse yourself politely. However, if you see the person again, don’t avoid them. Go up, introduce yourself again and ask another five questions! Always make at least three attempts at different times to talk. People do warm up in the end.
Problem: “What if I welcome someone who’s a regular? I’ll feel really stupid.”
You might feel stupid, but you’ll have missed an opportunity to meet someone! A good way to start is: “I don’t know you. Are you a visitor, or am I just really dumb for not recognising you?” Make yourself the dumb cluck to begin with, and you won’t have to worry about being made to feel that way! The same applies if you forget someone’s name. Chances are, they’ve probably forgotten yours too. “You’ll think I’m so stupid, but can you remind me of your name? I’m so sorry!”
Problem: “I just don’t see any new people!”
My experiences in many different congregations is that in any church, there’s usually at least one ‘newy’ a month. Make it a practice to look for new people rather than people you know as you walk in. Then, if there’s time (another reason to get to church earlier!) you can walk up to them in their seat, shake hands and say, “Hi, I’m so and so, Welcome today. Where are you from? I’ll speak to you afterwards.”. Approaching people in a pew or chair may feel awkward to you, but look at it from their point of view: they feel even more awkward than you just sitting there on their own.
Problem: Watch out for the six week rule
The most welcoming church can do a great job making newcomers feel at home, but after new people have been there six weeks, the welcome begins to wear off, and newies are left to fend for themselves. Keep up the welcoming, and start to include new people in your networks.
Problem: Watch out for excluding body language and in jokes
You may be trying to introduce your new person to a group of people standing around. But watch out for the subtle signs of exclusion: conversations can quickly turn to topics that the outsider can’t join in, or to jokes that only the insiders get. The way a group is standing can also be unwelcoming – be aware of edging a newcomer out, an position yourselves to make the circle bigger!
It’s rarely because people don’t want to welcome newcomers. Most of the time, people do want to be friendly. It’s simply that they don’t know how to do it very well.
Here are some simple tips to welcoming people effectively in our own churches. If you already do these things, share them with your congregation!
Problem: “I’m too shy.”
Answer: Find a ‘welcoming buddy’ at church and make it your plan talk to someone new every week together. Take a deep breath and put yourself in the new person’s shoes. Meditate on the Bible passages which talk about God taking away our fear. Pray that God will put just one person in your way to talk to. (He will.)
Problem: “I’m too busy organising things after church or just seeing my friends.”
Answer: Use the phone during the week. Arrange to catch up with your friends later. Or see welcoming as something you can do together with your friends.
Problem: “Welcoming’s not my job.”
Answer: Test out this theory: the person in the position of power is always looked to to take the first step. At college that means students look to faculty to initiate conversation with them at lunch. At church, it means the members are the ones who have to take the initiative. New people feel uncomfortable starting a conversation. You have to!
Problem: “I don’t know what to say to people. I’m not good at conversation.”
Answer: Conversation is actually a skill that can be learned. Every conversation has an opening, a middle and a closing. The trick is to get through all three in a gracious manner!
Open by tackling neutral subjects first. These might be the weather, the footy, a recent event (but not the Cronulla riots or anything political) the time of year or the traffic. Some neutral questions are: “Would you like a cuppa?” “How old are your children?” “Are you with the baptism today?”
Then move the subject on. People love to talk about themselves, so ask questions in a relaxed manner. Questions lead to other questions. An easy opening question is: “Do you live locally?” This can lead to “It must be interesting to see how the neighbourhood has changed over 75 years” or to “How have you found your first three days in Australia?”
Ending a conversation that’s stumbling or awkward doesn’t have to be hard. The best way to do it is to introduce your newcomer to someone else in the church, wait until their conversation is established, and then politely excuse yourself. If you and your friends can play ‘tag-team’ with new people, you’ll always have someone to introduce them to.
Problem: “I do try to talk to people, but they don’t seem to want to talk to me.”
Answer: Some people do seem very reserved and are hard to chat to. Rather than taking it personally, we need to think about the reason for it. They may be recently bereaved, or just feeling awkward about being in church. They may be naturally shy, or not used to being talked to. A good rule of thumb is to ask about five questions. If you’re really getting no response, excuse yourself politely. However, if you see the person again, don’t avoid them. Go up, introduce yourself again and ask another five questions! Always make at least three attempts at different times to talk. People do warm up in the end.
Problem: “What if I welcome someone who’s a regular? I’ll feel really stupid.”
You might feel stupid, but you’ll have missed an opportunity to meet someone! A good way to start is: “I don’t know you. Are you a visitor, or am I just really dumb for not recognising you?” Make yourself the dumb cluck to begin with, and you won’t have to worry about being made to feel that way! The same applies if you forget someone’s name. Chances are, they’ve probably forgotten yours too. “You’ll think I’m so stupid, but can you remind me of your name? I’m so sorry!”
Problem: “I just don’t see any new people!”
My experiences in many different congregations is that in any church, there’s usually at least one ‘newy’ a month. Make it a practice to look for new people rather than people you know as you walk in. Then, if there’s time (another reason to get to church earlier!) you can walk up to them in their seat, shake hands and say, “Hi, I’m so and so, Welcome today. Where are you from? I’ll speak to you afterwards.”. Approaching people in a pew or chair may feel awkward to you, but look at it from their point of view: they feel even more awkward than you just sitting there on their own.
Problem: Watch out for the six week rule
The most welcoming church can do a great job making newcomers feel at home, but after new people have been there six weeks, the welcome begins to wear off, and newies are left to fend for themselves. Keep up the welcoming, and start to include new people in your networks.
Problem: Watch out for excluding body language and in jokes
You may be trying to introduce your new person to a group of people standing around. But watch out for the subtle signs of exclusion: conversations can quickly turn to topics that the outsider can’t join in, or to jokes that only the insiders get. The way a group is standing can also be unwelcoming – be aware of edging a newcomer out, an position yourselves to make the circle bigger!
Chronic pain
The second worst year of my life began when my first baby was five months old.
It started out well. We had a gorgeous healthy girl, we had just bought a lovely house in a new place, joined a great church, and my husband had just started his career in law after finally finishing years of study.
But then one day, out of the blue, my baby decided to stop breastfeeding. Not wanting to give it up, I expressed milk madly, hoping she would eventually take the breast again. However, the expressing brought on painful tendonitis in both wrists. All of a sudden, I had an injury that restricted my life in severe ways. I couldn’t change nappies or hang out washing. I couldn’t turn on taps or open heavy doors. I couldn’t push the pram or drive the car. My arms and hands were constantly in pain.
As with most injuries, I thought it would go away. I tried to cut down and stop doing things, hard as that was for an task-oriented achieving type. But instead of getting better, it got worse. After three weeks, I reluctantly accepted the fact that I wouldn’t be doing any craft or sewing for a while, and submitted to a low level of boredom and mess while waiting to get better.
However, the pain got worse. It spread to my elbows and down through my fingers. I had dull aches and shooting pains every minute of the day. Thankfully I could sleep, but two minutes after I woke I would feel the familiar burden of pain creeping back up my arms.
The pain stayed for a full twelve months. Over this time I took anti-inflammatories, cortisone injections and muscle rub ointments. I tried alternative therapies: Chinese herb patches, Alexander Technique classes for relaxation. I visited physiotherapists and specialists, none of whom could find any cause for my pain.
“It’s in your head,” said one and I was angry. Why would someone like me, full of energy and plans for the future want to ‘imagine’ a disability that left me sore, angry, depressed and incompetent.
I started to see a chronic pain doctor who prescribed anti-depressants, which helped the pain, but left me spaced out and not myself. I went to an occupational therapist who helped with techniques to find better ways to do things. I was starting to become used to the idea that pain was my life.
I had to ask people for help to do the most basic things: take me places, help me shop, do some vacuuming, pick up the baby. It’s not a great way to meet people in a new area: “Hi, I’m Cecily, and can you come and do my housework?” Many were very kind. But I felt guilty for being needy, and fatigued from showing appreciation to everyone. A few times, my helpers fell through. Once, I took the plunge, phoned a friend and asked her to help me. She took some time to think, and said “Sorry, no.” I felt ashamed and humiliated.
I cried out to God again and again. “Take it away Lord.” “Why are you doing this to me?” “What do I have to learn?” “Heal me please”. I went to a healing service, and well-meaning people prayed for me while I cried, but nothing happened – at least not then.
The healing did finally come. But there was another healing which had to take place for it to be effective.
At the end of 12 months, I was in a stage of non-acceptance, looking for anything that might help. And I found the answer.
In a nutshell, and with apologies to any medicos: Dr John Sarno, an American doctor, in treating patients with otherwise unexplained back pain, discovered that repressed anger and negative emotions can cause the brain to block oxygen from certain muscles. The oxygen deprivation is not serious and not permanent, but it causes enough pain so that the patient’s thoughts are firmly on the sore spot in the body, and far away from the negative emotions.
In other words, mind and body are so connected, that rather than face emotional pain, your brain distracts you with physical pain. His treatment for this kind of pain is to face the painful feelings and deal with your emotional life.
Although not completely convinced, I bought his book (what’s another $30 in treatment if it works…) and started simply thinking about the pressures in my life. As I wrote things down, and began to really look at my expectations for myself, and what I thought God expected of me, I could feel the anger inside. Emotions started coming out that had lain dormant for years, because I thought they were either sinful, inconvenient, or just didn’t fit into the picture of myself as the ideal, fun-loving, patient, sincere, competent Christian.
The truth was, that me, a good, mature, well-adjusted missionary kid from a great Christian family didn’t really have it ‘altogether’. I was suffering from trying to good, to be perfect, to be everyone’s answer to everything. God kept peeling back layers and showing me more things he had to deal with, including the anger and hurt from the worst year of my life, which is another whole story!
I worked on my issues every day for an hour or so, and within a month I had no physical pain at all. My prayers for healing had been answered, but I still had a lot of emotional healing to do. Lessons in honesty, anger and dependence on God continue on to this day. On odd occasions, the pain comes back, and when it does, I know that I have an issue to deal with! It’s like a physical barometer.
I am thankful for the 12 months of pain, and for the real lessons I learned about accepting help, not being independent, and needing brothers and sisters. However, I am even more thankful for the way God healed me: not miraculously, but from the inside, dealing with the cause of the problem, not just the symptom.
It started out well. We had a gorgeous healthy girl, we had just bought a lovely house in a new place, joined a great church, and my husband had just started his career in law after finally finishing years of study.
But then one day, out of the blue, my baby decided to stop breastfeeding. Not wanting to give it up, I expressed milk madly, hoping she would eventually take the breast again. However, the expressing brought on painful tendonitis in both wrists. All of a sudden, I had an injury that restricted my life in severe ways. I couldn’t change nappies or hang out washing. I couldn’t turn on taps or open heavy doors. I couldn’t push the pram or drive the car. My arms and hands were constantly in pain.
As with most injuries, I thought it would go away. I tried to cut down and stop doing things, hard as that was for an task-oriented achieving type. But instead of getting better, it got worse. After three weeks, I reluctantly accepted the fact that I wouldn’t be doing any craft or sewing for a while, and submitted to a low level of boredom and mess while waiting to get better.
However, the pain got worse. It spread to my elbows and down through my fingers. I had dull aches and shooting pains every minute of the day. Thankfully I could sleep, but two minutes after I woke I would feel the familiar burden of pain creeping back up my arms.
The pain stayed for a full twelve months. Over this time I took anti-inflammatories, cortisone injections and muscle rub ointments. I tried alternative therapies: Chinese herb patches, Alexander Technique classes for relaxation. I visited physiotherapists and specialists, none of whom could find any cause for my pain.
“It’s in your head,” said one and I was angry. Why would someone like me, full of energy and plans for the future want to ‘imagine’ a disability that left me sore, angry, depressed and incompetent.
I started to see a chronic pain doctor who prescribed anti-depressants, which helped the pain, but left me spaced out and not myself. I went to an occupational therapist who helped with techniques to find better ways to do things. I was starting to become used to the idea that pain was my life.
I had to ask people for help to do the most basic things: take me places, help me shop, do some vacuuming, pick up the baby. It’s not a great way to meet people in a new area: “Hi, I’m Cecily, and can you come and do my housework?” Many were very kind. But I felt guilty for being needy, and fatigued from showing appreciation to everyone. A few times, my helpers fell through. Once, I took the plunge, phoned a friend and asked her to help me. She took some time to think, and said “Sorry, no.” I felt ashamed and humiliated.
I cried out to God again and again. “Take it away Lord.” “Why are you doing this to me?” “What do I have to learn?” “Heal me please”. I went to a healing service, and well-meaning people prayed for me while I cried, but nothing happened – at least not then.
The healing did finally come. But there was another healing which had to take place for it to be effective.
At the end of 12 months, I was in a stage of non-acceptance, looking for anything that might help. And I found the answer.
In a nutshell, and with apologies to any medicos: Dr John Sarno, an American doctor, in treating patients with otherwise unexplained back pain, discovered that repressed anger and negative emotions can cause the brain to block oxygen from certain muscles. The oxygen deprivation is not serious and not permanent, but it causes enough pain so that the patient’s thoughts are firmly on the sore spot in the body, and far away from the negative emotions.
In other words, mind and body are so connected, that rather than face emotional pain, your brain distracts you with physical pain. His treatment for this kind of pain is to face the painful feelings and deal with your emotional life.
Although not completely convinced, I bought his book (what’s another $30 in treatment if it works…) and started simply thinking about the pressures in my life. As I wrote things down, and began to really look at my expectations for myself, and what I thought God expected of me, I could feel the anger inside. Emotions started coming out that had lain dormant for years, because I thought they were either sinful, inconvenient, or just didn’t fit into the picture of myself as the ideal, fun-loving, patient, sincere, competent Christian.
The truth was, that me, a good, mature, well-adjusted missionary kid from a great Christian family didn’t really have it ‘altogether’. I was suffering from trying to good, to be perfect, to be everyone’s answer to everything. God kept peeling back layers and showing me more things he had to deal with, including the anger and hurt from the worst year of my life, which is another whole story!
I worked on my issues every day for an hour or so, and within a month I had no physical pain at all. My prayers for healing had been answered, but I still had a lot of emotional healing to do. Lessons in honesty, anger and dependence on God continue on to this day. On odd occasions, the pain comes back, and when it does, I know that I have an issue to deal with! It’s like a physical barometer.
I am thankful for the 12 months of pain, and for the real lessons I learned about accepting help, not being independent, and needing brothers and sisters. However, I am even more thankful for the way God healed me: not miraculously, but from the inside, dealing with the cause of the problem, not just the symptom.
babies and carving knives
My friend lets her one year old son play with an electric carving knife.
Before you call child protection, let me add that the blades are removed. And he can't plug it in because the plug doesn't fit an Australian socket. All he does is hold the handle and say 'buzz buzz buzz' to himself.
It's amazing how knowing the context can completely change the meaning of a statement.
Before you call child protection, let me add that the blades are removed. And he can't plug it in because the plug doesn't fit an Australian socket. All he does is hold the handle and say 'buzz buzz buzz' to himself.
It's amazing how knowing the context can completely change the meaning of a statement.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
