Domestic violence series

Here's an edited excerpt from the book Power and Control - Why Charming Men Can Make Dangerous Lovers by Sandra Horley.

'Why does she stay with him?' is invariably the first question everyone asks when they hear that a woman is being abused by her partner.

It's a question that always irritates me because I find it irrelevent. My whole thesis is that a woman does not cause her husband to be abusive. Why a woman stays with an abusive man is not the point. The real issue is: Why do men abuse women in the first place, and how can we prevent it from happening?

Whenever I hear someone say, "Why does she stay?" I tell them they should turn the question around and ask, "What stops her from leaving?"

"Why does she stay?" implies that there is something wrong with an abused woman, that she is somehow different from other women, that she is somehow responsible for ending the abuse. That of course is a myth: a woman can unwittingly find herself in a relationship with an abusive man. And once she is caught up in the Charm Syndrome, it can be very hard indeed to get out.

"Why does she stay?" also suggests that a woman has control over her own life - but it is Charm Syndrome Man who has all the real control.

It is important to understand the enormous odds a woman is up against, in order to see that the real point is not why she stays, but what a triumph it is when she is able to leave. Indeed it is a miracle that she can cope with her predicament at all, at the same time as looking after her children, holding a job, maintaining her sanity and so on.