Friendship and small talk

I had a fun enough day that I felt energised enough to do some more work on my book about friendship.

Do you avoid making and maintaining social relationships through small talk? If so, why?

Is it because you are shy, angry or tired?
You might be an introvert who finds that talking to people takes a lot of energy. I’m introverted and I need my space, but my eight year old daughter is a complete extrovert. We differ in the amount of time we can spend with others, but we both need – and want - relationships. We just do it slightly differently.

When I’m angry, I often don’t feel like making the effort. Sometimes, however, that’s when I need others the most, to bring me some perspective, or some solace. There’s nothing as good at changing an angry mood as spending time with positive people.

Tiredness is another matter. That’s when I find it best to get into bed and get a decent night’s sleep. I’m far more able to cope with others after my eight hours.

Do you not really like people?
Do you fear others? Did you grow up in a family that kept others out or complained about people all the time? Have you been badly hurt by someone? It’s well worth exploring any issues there may be in your life, either by yourself or with a trusted friend or counsellor.

Are you too busy?
I’m an organised type of person who tends to be ‘task-oriented’. I focus on the job I’m doing, often to the exclusion of the people around me. I’ll leave a conversation so I can finish what I’m focusing on right then. Because I’m good at doing things, I also usually have about five things to do at once.

I often think, “Once I get everything done, I’ll sit down and talk.” The trouble is, everything is never done. And when it is, I find other things to do. Doing things makes me feel important and in control. Talking to people means giving up some of my importance and control, so it’s threatening.

Task-oriented people like me need to find a way to keep people as priority number one.

Do you avoid small talk because you simply lack the skills?
Some people did not grow up in families where these things were known or taught. As adults they avoid these kinds of interactions because they just don’t know how to do it.

If you’re no good at small talk, start listening to people who are good at it. You might pick up some tips.

Benazir

I felt sad and shocked to hear about the political assassination of Pakistan's Benazir Bhutto today.

You can't get rid of opposition by squashing it or killing it. The more force is used to suppress people, the more the potential for the eventual backlash will grow.

This will have big implications for our world.

Personally, I had an odd connection with Benazir. She was kept under house arrest for a large part of my primary schooling in the house across the road from our school in Karachi. I was scared of the bayonet-toting guards who patrolled her fence line and often thought about her not being able to go out and be free.

This week

Conjunctivitis. None of the children had it. Why did it happen to me? I’m a grownup!

Money. I'm feeling marginally better about the need for $72,000 to be raised by February to keep us here next year.

I decided that everything is uncertain, even when you don’t know it’s uncertain. Heck, I could die tomorrow. ("Morbid," says my husband. "As usual, you're thinking about death.")

Equally, everything is certain because God is in control. So there’s really no point worrying and I can’t do anything about it anyway, except send 160 Christmas cards out to everyone in the parish with a family photograph, just so they won’t forget who we are*.

Superhero. Apparently I am one because I jumped fully clothed into the pool yesterday to save the baby who had launched himself out from the step and was sinking down into the bottom, completely out of his depth.

Actually, it was a calculated move. I had already looked at the scenario of three little kids playing on the pool steps, thought about the possibility of any of them dying (Morbid? Or practical!) and decided that I would be prepared to get my white linen pants wet for the sake of a still-breathing child.

Metal detector. I used one for the first time on Saturday, in our garden, to look for the car key which the two year old mislaid. He loves keys and Must Have Them. Silly me let him play with them. They are not in the garden, so they must be inside... but where? Now, without a key to one of our cars, I am actively pursuing other ways to start it. Anyone know how to hotwire a '94 Saab 900i?


*I had already started doing the cards anyway before we were told about the financial situation. My intentions were completely honourable and relationship-oriented.

Christmas shopping

It's God's will...

I enjoy watching Survivor and analysing the behaviour of the winners and losers. Hearing the reasons why people think they've been voted out is very enlightening. Bossy ones think they are misunderstood and targeted. Lazy ones think they did their best. There's almost no-one who has a realistic or healthy view of their own achievements or efforts.

This week in Survivor China, Leslie, a Christian radio host was voted off. Why? According to her, it was God's will. She just came to love others for Christ. It was God who got her on, and it was God who took her out.

True enough, in a broad view.

The short-term, more human view, is that she was voted off because she was truly the most annoying person in the tribe. She was cloying, overly sweet, a little bit patronising, too talkative and extremely naive in the way she played the game.

I hate how Christians put all the blame on God for what happens to them, when if they just took a good look at themselves, they could see a whole lot of problems which cause their circumstances.

God might have put her on, but it was more likely the producers who could recognise an annoying team member when they saw one. And God might have taken her off, but it was her own behaviour to her tribemates which riled them enough to write her name down.

Investment or relationship?

“I made sure I invested in a few really good friends so that I would have enough support.”

“Those people are really good value.”

“These people are leaving our group? Oh well, they didn’t do anything anyway.”

If you hang around my circles you would have heard expressions like these frequently in the last couple of years.

I understand what the expressions mean, but they make me feel uncomfortable. They use the language of money, possession, acquisition and price for people and relationships.

It shows me that our culture continues to commodify people. We link value to achievement. We use friends for our own ends instead of enjoying a person for their own sake.

I scoured Proverbs recently, looking at its language of friendship. ‘Be’ a friend occurs many times. It’s the language of existence, identity and relationship.

On the other hand, the language around the concept of wealth and money brings up the ideas of deceitfulness, hoarding and never being satisfied.

I’m interested in the language of friendship you use.

Enough said

Yes. I think I am now the woman of a certain age.

Patience

This picture is proof that people can grow more patient.

Call me crazy, but I decided to cook with not one, but two little boys the other day. I never cooked anything with my first child when she was under three because I hated the mess. I certainly didn't let her get like this.

This time, however, I didn't really care. I'm so much better at cleaning it all up. Plus, I have both a washing machine and a bathtub, and enough water to use them.

The important thing was that the children had fun and did something together with me.

I used to wonder how patience grew. Change of attitude is key I think.

Christmas season

It got to the first of December and the children (well, I say 'children' but I mean 'child' - the only one who comprehends Christmas enough to know that there is a tree, and we have one and we can put it up) were desperate to decorate.

Pretty

This is a 'Double Delight' rose from our garden. We planted three bushes in autumn and they have gone crazy in the last few weeks.

There is nothing more beautiful than a vase of home-grown, fragrant roses.

Sorry, don't be offended!

I've been going to a support group at the early childhood intervention centre locally for a few weeks. The small group of ladies and the leader have been very frank about how we all cope with our difficult children, often to the point of using strong language.

It came out last week that I am a 'minister's wife', and I was amused this week to see the different attitude towards me, now that I'm classed somewhere in the 'holy, therefore easily offended' league in their minds.

The most amusing was from the leader who was advising another lady to not worry about what other people about her little boy's ADD behaviour. "Stuff 'em, it doesn't matter!" she said, and then turned to me with apologetic eyes. "Sorry, but you know what I mean."

Surely, either you care what other people think or you don't!

Personally I don't like it when people assume that I can't cope with their bad language. Heck, I watch TV like the next person. I know what's out there. I might not enjoy it if it's excessive, but I don't want to be apologised to as if I was so fragile and delicate and not able to cope with the evils of the world.

I wonder if Jesus got apologies for other people's use of bad language?

Quotable

Tears are God's washing machine for the soul.

Depressed? Try expressing yourself

The Bible was not written by Australians.

If Australians are depressed, they might say something like, "Mate, I've been, you know, a bit low... yeah."

In contrast, the Bible paints vivid word pictures to describe Job's depression.

Why is life given to a man whose way is hidden,
whom God has hedged in?
For sighing comes to me instead of food;
my groans pour out like water.
What I feared has come upon me;
what I dreaded has happened to me.
I have no peace, no quietness;
I have no rest, but only turmoil.
Job 2: 23-26

I like it that the writers of the Bible are not afraid to express sadness and fears in their fulness. I often try to minimise my own sad feelings because I think I'd be just 'going on' and having a whinge. So it's an encouragement to have words and thoughts bigger than my own when it comes to talking about how I feel.