Another life changing book

I've just finished reading yet another book that has spurred me to make major changes in my life - Adrenaline and Stress by Dr Arch Hart*.

The thesis of the book is this:

• The body's adrenaline system is fantastic. It gets us going when we really need to react to something.
• But today's life is too fast and many of us have our adrenaline system turned on permanently.
• We get addicted to the adrenaline rush that comes with any positive challenge or negative crisis.
• We seek out more and more adrenaline rushes and find it impossible to relax and take the recovery time that is supposed to occur as part of the adrenaline system.
• This does damage to our body and will eventually lead to stress disease and burnout.
• People who are Type A personalities really need to slow down or they will die.

Hmmm.

Then I did the test for the Type A personality. You might have guessed that I fit it perfectly. It was almost like the whole book was describing me, so I think it's official: I am an adrenaline junkie!

This comes at a very interesting time for me. For several weeks now I have been dogged by constant fatigue. Even now, as I blog, I am feeling tired, headachey and shivery.

Looking back on the past few years, I think I have been engaging in non-stop adrenaline rushes. I've put a whole lot of energy into moving three times in four years, meeting lots of new people at different churches, working at one of the churches, supporting a husband through Bible college, having two babies, having a child start school, writing a book, starting and selling a small business, losing a lot of weight, and finally being worried about my autistic son, getting a diagnosis and finding out about therapies by myself, plus then doing said therapy...

It's no wonder I feel completely exhausted right now.

So the next few months are going to be time for recovery and re-thinking the manner in which I live my normal life so that I don't do what I said the Type A people do - ie. die.

Here's a question: should I stop the blog? I think I won't. But if you don't hear from me for a while, you know the reason!






* Christian American doctor and psychologist. He has just been on a speaking tour in Australia. My husband went to hear him with the church staff team and came home telling me how he needs to get more sleep. Funny... I've been telling him that for years. But then, he's been telling me for years that I need to slow down. Neither of us listens to the other!

Repairing or replacing at church

It occurred to me that the principles I posted yesterday from the book 'Safe People' on whether to repair or replace relationships apply just as strongly to church.

Lots of people aren't happy at their churches - and often for a variety of reasons. Lots of the reasons are justified, many are not. But either way, the fact is that church is a body of people, all in relationships. And relationships should be at the core of church life.

So if you're thinking about whether to leave your church and find a new one, it would be a good idea to go through the six steps and see if your reasons for leaving are reasons that will eventually build up the body of Christ, or tear it apart.

When should I leave?

I've been reading for these talks on friendship coming up, and one book that has been great is Safe People by Cloud and Townsend, the 'boundaries boys' as I call them.

The book is all about how to choose friends with good character, and how to be a friend with good character. But even if it only contained its last chapter, entitled 'Repair or Replace?' it would be a book well worth reading.

These days it's just so easy to leave a relationship, whether it's with a friend or significant other, or a marriage partner. Cloud and Townsend ask the important question of when it is appropriate to try to repair the relationship - or replace it with a new one.

They believe that God’s own example of how to reconcile relationships should instruct ours, and list these six steps on how to act in a broken relationship.

1. Start from a loved position. In other words, get support for yourself from a loving group of Christians. This gives you the support and love you need to be strong.

2. Act righteously and change yourself first. We need to remove logs from our own eyes before we take out specks in the eyes of others.

3. Use others to help. Maybe get counselling, intervention.

4. Accept the reality that the person may not be the person you want them to be. Forgive them for that and grieve your expectations. Ephesians 4:32 says “Be kind and compassionate, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.” You need to work out if people are bad... or just different from you. Appreciate their uniqueness and enjoy them.

5. Give change a chance. “To say that you now have boundaries and then leave, is not to have boundaries at all.” The real test of our character is to do the difficult things while in the difficult relationship, not to leave it. It takes a lot of courage and character to deal with a difficult person in the right way. We can only know that we have done the right thing and that we truly have character when we have been tested in the fire of relationship.”

6. Be long-suffering. Exodus 34:6-7 shows God as slow to anger and abounding in love and faithfulness. God is not someone who gives up on relationship easily. How long is too long? They say that only you and God know. But it is usually longer than we think. It is past the point of pain, or revenge, or despair, as God gives us the supernatural ability to love and keep seeking an answer. That is what he did for us, and that is what he calls us to do.

When is separation an option? The sad truth is some relationships are not workable if one party is not willing to change and reconcile, and separation may have to come into play at some point.

However, this may not necessarily be a permanent separation. Even after separating, we must be open to the person’s later repentance and accept them back if they have truly changed. (Luke 17:3-4)

Putting the steps into the opposite perspective, they write that you are not ready to replace a significant relationship if:

• You are trying to resolve it alone, without the help of others
  
• If there are ways you are contributing to the problem
  
• If you have not accepted the person, forgiven and grieved what you wanted them to be
  
• You have not used new skills and behaviours in the relationship, responding righteously
  
• You have not given change a chance
  
• You have not been long-suffering.
  

“Relationships are the most important aspect of the spiritual life. In fact, they are the spiritual life, as God defines it. To love God and love your neighbour as the main requirements of the Law.”

With apologies for the lack of original thought in this post. And if anyone wants to get at me for copyright reasons, please take into account that I think this book is so good that I can only be encouraging other people to buy it and read it for themselves!

Water

Australia has lots of water problems at the moment. Water is the hot topic. I grew up amidst continuous serious water shortages in Pakistan. We just never had enough of it, so I’m really good at saving it!

I want you to hold two water-related images in your mind. The first is a huge watering trough. Like an enormous flat tank. In Pakistan, you see these at watering places for animals. Goats, cows and camels can come to drink from them. People have to bring water to pour into them so that the animals can drink. The more the animals drink, the more the troughs have to be filled.

The second image is a mountain spring, bubbling over, never stopping, continually flowing over with fresh water.

Hold those two images next to each other – the trough and the mountain spring. Now ask yourself: which one is God like?

Mouths of babes

Some things my seven year old has said to me recently:

In response to my admiration for her smooth skin, in comparison with my ageing hands, "But it doesn't make any difference Mum. You don't feel different inside just because you've got smooth skin."

At the end of a conversation about whether I might ever have another baby, "But it would have to be a girl, if you did have one. Because it would be a waste of a baby if it was a boy."

This morning as we walked to school, "I like that outfit on you. It makes you look young."

Ha!

Kefir

I would like to sing the praises of a wonderful pro-biotic my homeopath put me on to.

It's called kefir. It's made with a kefir 'grain' which is a little white clump of stuff that looks like a mini-cauliflower. You put the grain into milk and leave it on the shelf for a couple of days, whereupon, miraculously it turns into yoghurt-like curd.

You eat it, and it's full of good microbes which do really really good things for your gut!

I make plain kefir and mix it into my daily yoghurt, as well as strawberry flavoured kefir for my daughter. I also disguise a spoonful of it in my baby's jar of mushy food every day.

It's great for people with irritable bowel or digestive problems. I won't go into the details of how it has helped me because they aren't fit for publication, but suffice to say I won't go without it now.

The amazing thing is that with time and use, the grains actually grow. I've been able to break bits off and share them with friends. Kefir's taking off in Mittagong... if you want some, let me know!

Here's a site with more details about it. They claim, and I believe it, that,

"The effects of Kefir have been the secret of the people of Caucasus for a long time. From their early youth, they drink Kefir instead of water and eat Kefir thickened in place of dessert. Their life expectancy is between 110 to 150 years (the latter not being a rare occurrence). They do not have cancer, tuberculosis or digestive disorders."

A bit embarrassing

Here's a sign that a friend posted on his blog a few days ago. The embarrassing thing is that I had to think about why it was supposed to be funny.

I've always had trouble with left and right. The way I tell (still) is to hold my hand with my thumb perpendicular to fingers, making an 'L' shape. The hand with the L going the correct way is Left.

L for 'left' and L for 'loser'....

Friendship

I'm starting to crystallize my thoughts on the friendship talks coming up in July.

Here are some tentative headings - four for four talks. Tell me if you think I'm missing something important.

God
The theology of friendship, Trinity as community, value of friendship in the Bible, what is friendship for? Life without fellowship is empty.

Belonging
What is friendship anyway? The different kinds of friendship. The different ways to belong to a community. Practical tips for making friends

You
What sort of a friend are you? What sort of character do you need to have to be the best friend possible? What kinds of friends do you choose?

Tricky Questions
Power in relationships. When to say goodbye. When is a friendship not healthy. Can guys and girls be friends? Dating, marriage and friendship.

Foodie frolics

I need some help in the kitchen.

What's the trick to getting potato fries nice and crispy? Mine were SOGGY yesterday. Yuck. The dog had them for breakfast.

Responsibility and Influence IV

See the last few posts for the thread of these comments. Last post I commented on the 'greatest commandment' as being our greatest responsibility and joy.

Do you remember the second greatest commandment? Again, I think it could be put as ‘the second greatest privilege’ – to love others as you love yourself.

In some ways, Jesus didn’t really need to spell this second commandment or privilege out. Because if we love God as God – and we honour God as the creator of everything, we will necessarily honour both ourselves and other people as God’s creations.

Now this is a different way of thinking about ourselves from the usual way people think about themselves and each other.

Most people, even if we don’t admit it, topple God out of the top spot, and put themselves as number one. Which means we effectively think of ourselves as God.

Why is it joyful to see ourselves as created, as humans with limitations?

Because most of our frustrations come from trying to control things that we have no business controlling. Other frustrations come from either trying and failing to be good enough, or justifying our own pathetic actions. Even more frustrations come from the fact that we have physical limitations, and we simply can’t do all we would hope or dream.

It is joyful to honour God as God, and see ourselves as God’s creations, because we know the God, who created us, and we know that he is in charge.

It’s a recipe to relax and give away that control and frustration! It means a whole new way of thinking about living.

We Christians have the joy of:

• Relying on God for strength, resources, everything needed to live, physically and spiritually
  
• Loving God because he is God (not for what he can ‘do’ for us)!
  
• Not seeing ourselves as God and getting frustrated because we are not in control.
  
• Accepting our limitations (physical, spiritual, emotional) and not overworking in defiance of those. In otherwords, looking after ourselves.
  
• Not trying to ‘save’ others, even in the name of ‘love’ because that is not true love. Seeing that others are the same as us is the basis of true human love. We are all God’s creations. No one is better than any other. No one is more worthy than any other. God created us all and loves us all. Love, kindness and compassion flows out of that knowledge naturally if we have a right knowledge of our status before God.
  
• Fulfilling God’s mandate to us: subdue and fill the earth. Our jobs are work and relationships. Ever noticed that most of the time, we try to control things that are not ours to control, and try to skip out of work and relationships? It’s another symptom of trying to be God. If we see God as God, we’ll let him control those things and instead concentrate on doing our work and relationships with joy.
  

I haven’t even mentioned the joy that comes from the fact that God, as God, has saved us – little created beings, through Jesus. It is an amazing source of joy to know that I will never be good enough for God. I can try and try to climb my little ladder to get closer to him and be a better Christian, but my ladder just isn’t high enough.

The joy of knowing that God reached down to me, through Jesus’ death on the cross, to make me good enough, and to forgive me completely – that’s real joy.

Responsibility and Influence III

I started this answer by saying that I prefer the words 'joy and overflow' to 'responsibility and influence', for the reasons below.

What is our main joy – and our responsibility - as human beings? It is to see and love the difference between us and God.

It comes from Jesus’ words to ‘love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your strength.

Why is this joyful? Because God is so incredible.

He is huge and tiny. He made the Himalayan mountains – breathtaking in their size - where I went to boarding school, he designed the world down to the smallest particle – an atom.

He is creative, colourful, clever. He thought of literature, poetry, stories, music, rhythm and harmony.

He is ultimately stable and the same, and he is ultimately changing and variable. He created species, systems and ecosystems. Nothing exists without him.

And if this all were not enough, God is completely good. And he is absolutely loving. And he is ultimately wise.

So it is an amazing joy for us to love God, when we really see him for who he is.

When Jesus was asked what was the ‘greatest commandment’, it might almost be better put as the ‘greatest privilege’. It is an utter privilege to love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your strength. It is a joy to honour God as God.

Out of that joy comes responsibility to love God, because it ought to be done. But because it is a joy, it is not a responsibility – at least not a responsibility that is onerous, choresome, a drag.

It is a responsibility that we can be jumping into with all that we are. God is God! Wow!

Responsibility and Influence II

Some more thoughts from the coffee night!

You've done some thinking about responsibility and influence in your own life. Would you like to share some of it?

The topic for tonight centres around the words ‘responsibility’ and ‘influence’. Both are very good sort of words. When these attributes are properly demonstrated, they would be shown by good, upright sort of people.

They might also be shown by people who were trying very hard to be good and be right and be righteous.

I am a person who takes responsibility very seriously. And because of that, people have said that I exert a certain amount of influence. But I think sometimes – often - I am responsible because I am trying to prove my own goodness and my own rightness. Not always, but often. Often enough for me to get confused by it.

When my sense of responsibility comes from a need to prove myself, or do the right thing so that other people will love me or so that God will be pleased with me, it is a wrong responsibility. It is responsibility completely based on myself. And any influence that comes from that responsibility is based on me as well.

Yes, I might influence people, perhaps in ways that appear positive to begin with. But in the end, what hopeless influence that is! I’m no role model for anyone on my own.

And personally, when I hear the words ‘responsibility’ and ‘influence’ I get a bit bogged down, a little heavy-hearted. I think,

“Gosh, what do I have to do now?” or “What should I be like as a Christian?” or “I’m not responsible enough, and I’ll never have any influence for God”.

My language becomes a whole lot of have to, should, must. Lots of trying really hard.

So in approaching this topic, I would prefer to talk about not responsibility – but joy – and not influence – but overflow.

Because true Chrsitian responsibility comes directly from joy in God and true Christian influence is the beautiful, natural overflow of that joy to others around us.

Responsibility and Influence I

I was privileged to be the 'special guest' at a ladies' coffee and dessert night in Mittagong last week. I had to answer some questions on the topic 'responsibility and influence', so I'll be posting my answers (plus additional comments I just thought of) here over the next few days.


What influenced you as a child and young person?

• Living in a third world country – why is everyone so poor and we are so rich? Why should I be the lucky one? How can I reconcile two completely different universes? One where chocolate and an ipod is a necessity. The other where some people don’t even have sugar to put in their tea and no electricity or education.

• Seeing more things than the average child, and having a lot more experiences.

• Moving around a lot. A feeling of rootlessness. I belong nowhere, yet I can ‘fit in’ most places.

• Growing up in a Christian community of truly dedicated and committed people. Missionaries to Pakistan gave up a lot to go.

• Being a Christian minority in a majority muslim country. If Christianity is so true, then why are all these millions of people rejecting it? And how come there are so many really nice Muslims?

• Boarding school from age 11 to 16. Having to develop independence at a young age. This affected a lot of my attitudes in later life.

• Some really godly, loving people who just shine for Christ. Their influence has been incalculable.

• The prayers of my two grandmothers and a family atmosphere of Christian commitment and faith.

• Growing up in a society that doesn't like women much! I had to cover my head and be continually chaperoned in public as a teenager. Unfortunately it didn't help much with negotiating the continual public sexual harrassment that is inflicted on all women in Pakistan. I am wildly suspicious and of anything that even sniffs of sexism and have very strong emotional reactions to it.

• Seeing fabulous, raw scenery. Black night skies, fields of wild flowers, Himalayan storms, snowcaps, dusty deserts, mountain moonscapes.

• The ability to save money and not spend needlessly! Useful in later life to get through Bible college, although now I do tend to hyperventilate over even necessary purchases.
  

Sam I Am

We were watching some old Muppet Show episodes tonight. It reminded me that my 'friends' (ha!) used to laugh at me and say I looked like...

Sam the Eagle!

Just not a kid person

When I was a child, there were a few grown-ups whom I absolutely adored. Why? Because they had genuine time for children. They played with us, thought about us and planned treats. I could tell the difference between them and normal grownups who were far more interested in their own things to be bothered wtih kids.

I made a promise to myself in 1981, when I was eight, that I would be one of the children-loving grown-ups that I loved so much. I would remember how it felt to be a child. I would take out time to let children know that they are special.

Sorry - I never kept my promise. I still remember what it's like to be a child, but being with children (in general) tends to drain me and make me cross.

I thought I had it under control and that I am reasonable, if not nice, to most children, most of the time, but...

...fast forward to 2007: I'm telling this story to my extended family, with the seven year old daughter in listening earshot.

I say, "Yes, I wanted to be one of those people who just loves children..."

She pipes up, "but you're just not, are you mum!"

I think she knows me more than I like to think.