And for another thing...

Here's something completely unrelated to what's gone before.

I just read the story of the garden of gethsemane today, in preparation for Easter, and came across the part where Peter, the disciple hacks off an ear.

But why was he carrying a sword anyway? It's not part of the picture I have in my mind of the disciples.

Perhaps some of you theologians can answer for me?

More burned cookies

I really need to buy myself an oven timer.

Yesterday I had two culinary disasters in the afternoon. Almond meringues, it turns out, are more difficult to make than I had thought. And too much honey in Russian custard, when you think you remember the recipe, but don't really, is quite disgusting.

By the evening, I thought I had better redeem myself, so mixed up some rice flour/almond meal bread as well as some peanut butter cookies. Popped them in the oven and then got caught up filling out some forms (such an exciting part of life). By the time I got back to it, the bread was cooked, but the cookies were dead.

My mother once made a comment about me: "You're really smart at a lot of things, but in some things you are just not!"

Alas, remembering things in the oven or on the stove is one of the 'just nots'.

Things

Things I think about a lot - and which have shaped my life

- Jesus Christ - the necessity of his death and resurrection for my salvation.
- Remediating autism and improving my son's life.
- Making things, creating things and improving things
- Writing about all of the above
- Seeing the sky
- Health, nutrition, balance and understanding how we work
- Amateur psychology
- What I'm going to wear. Or not wear.
- the kind of parent I am and want to be


Things I think about a lot - but about which I haven't done very much

- World poverty
- Being on the P&C for school
- Improving public transport
- New quilts or children's clothes to make
- Saving money
- Improving the garden
- wearing sunscreen
- Writing letters to politicians or TV stations or schools or supermarkets etc etc to improve society
- Doing more craft/games/outside activities/bushwalks with the children
- Exercise


Things I don't care much about - but they shape my life anyway

- the kind of car or computer I have (if it runs and passes rego, that's good enough for me)
- vacuuming and washing and loading the dishwasher


Things I wish I cared about a bit more

- How tidy my drawers are (or aren't)
- Ironing
- State politics
- Other people's problems
- The hairiness of my legs


Things I thought I didn't care about, but it turns out I did

- Mothers Day
- people missing my birthday
- The colour and ring tone of my mobile phone

I hate being new

I love meeting people but I hate being new.

Some beautiful ladies invited me to a craft night tonight - and I went, and I liked it and I liked them, but I came home and felt all funny and odd, and itchy and out of place and annoyed and annoying.

I think it's that feeling of being the new person. It's a reaction against having to hold back a little, be polite, see the lay of the land, get the feel of the group, not overstep the mark and just ease into things.

Being new ruffles my feathers. It makes me feel out of place, uncomfortable and not quite sure of myself.

It's a good feeling to have because it makes me aware of how others feel when they are new. If I remember it, I can do better in helping them find their feet and their place in the crowd.

Going out in May

I've decided to go to a conference in May.

It's the Mindd Forum 2007, focusing on children with autism, ADD, dyslexia, dyspraxia, learning problems, immunological difficulties and a whole host of other linked problems.

Want to join me? I'll be attending on the Saturday.

Check out the details at www.mindd.org under Forum 2007

Big round head

In answer to the many requests for photos (well... two) my husband's big shaven head is proudly displayed on his blog: www.jubileeman.blogspot.com

Let food be your medicine...

"Let food be your medicine, not medicine your food."

This brilliant piece of wisdom came from the father of medicine, Hippocrates himself. But as medical science has advanced and modern life has progressed, we seem to have forgotten this very important principle.

My attitude to food has undergone a complete revolution in the past two months. Since I have been researching the links between diet and autism I have been absolutely amazed and appalled at what we rich, smart, western people are doing to ourselves.

First of all we add fertilizers, chemicals and pesticides in abundance to our crops to grow more, better produce. Then we process and refine that produce so that any goodness it had has all but disappeared. Because it then is lacking in vitamins and minerals we add extras, refine it some more, add sugar, preservatives and colourings so it 'looks' better, tastes sweeter and lasts longer, package it up in two or three bags, advertise it as '97% fat free' and sell it on as healthy and good for us.

I used to just ignore the lists of numbers after the main ingredients on the labels (if I ever read them at all). Now I look at them and realise that all of those things I eat are putting extra strain on my body, and my children's bodies.

That's not even mentioning the substances we inhale, rub on our skin, wash in, drink and spray insects with around the house.

I have just read an illuminating book called 'The Gut and Psychology Syndrome' by Dr Natasha McBride-Campbell (MD PhD etc etc). She argues very effectively that there is a strong link between our modern sugar-heavy, additive-laden, highly processed diet and all of these: ADD, ADHD, autism, dyspraxia, dyslexia, schizophrenia, depression.

Let's follow Hippocrates' advice. Treat food as medicine. Value it's life-sustaining properties, as God made it. Let's not just eat whatever rubbish we think we can indulge in and then medicate ourselves for the results with even more substances.

I'm just a social eater

Have you ever noticed just how much community life revolves around food?

I never realized just what a strong social adhesive food is until I found myself on the outside of it recently.

The two children of mine who are now old enough to eat socially (one still smears everything over hair, face and clothes) are currently facing food restrictions. One is gluten-free and milk-free, the other is milk-free. Both of them have been advised to avoid artificial preservatives and colours.

The trouble is: the list of foods without gluten, milk, colours or preservatives is a very short one. And now I find myself in the difficult situation of being the 'fussy mother', examining what is on offer at social occasions and restricting what they can consume.

The older child is being extremely good about it (the younger one is still oblivious) but I have found it an extraordinary experience to realise that food has the power to both include and exclude. And I've realised that it is really hard to be one of those people whose diet is restricted.

Being sick is miserable

The title says it all.

I've been unwell for a week and it's rotten.

The most rotten part is not being sick, although that's bad enough. The most rotten part is not having your mother living with you to look after you, tell you to go to bed, come in and check on you every so often and bring you watered down fizzy drinks.

It didn't help that Husband Dearest had to go away for three days for work. Nor that I'm too silly to ask my very accommodating neighbour for help...

It'll be nice in heaven when no-one gets sick!

Love... or relating skills?

I had an interesting conversation recently with a very wonderful godly gentleman who has an elder son with Asperger's syndrome. Asperger's is part of the autism spectrum. People with it are generally very able in their speech, but lack relating skills.

His comment about his son was: "Well, he can't relate to his peers well at all. But on the other hand, he has a wonderful capacity to really love people. Really - which is more important??"

It's an interesting question. Which is more important? And what is love? If you can't relate to your peers, how do you show love? How do others show love to you if they can't relate to you? If I could choose either love or relating skills, which would it be?

In case you're interested

I've decided to start a new blog documenting more about autism and its effects on my son, me and our whole family.

If you're interested in catching up with this part of our lives, click on the link on the right.

I'll keep posting here of course! Wild horses wouldn't tear me away...

Things I came home with

1. Some things I came home with:
Two great pairs of shoes ($4 each). One Calvin Klein pair of jeans, already adjusted to my length ($18.50). Funky striped pants, new with tags ($8.50). Ultra-cool corduroy jacket ($8.50).

I'm delighted to report that the op shops in Bowral are up to scratch. One does have to check these things out.

2. Something I came home to:
A bald husband.

He was at Bowral High School for the Christian group meeting and got talked into having his head shaved for charity. I can't say it suits him - after all, I did marry him for his hair (red and curly) - and he does have rather a large, round noggin. But I'm glad he did it for the 'cred' he gained with the students.

Amusingly, our 1 year old was absolutely freaked out by seeing his father with no hair and cried everytime he looked at him for the first half hour.

Tennis... and it's relationship to well, relationships

Today I played tennis with my next door neighbour. It was a good game because it was a hopeless game. In fact, it wasn't actually a game at all. We just stood at opposite ends of the net and tried to hit the ball across it to each other. Most of the time we managed a serve, return and mad scramble for the ball. Once or twice we got a rally of six returns going, but in general, we were pretty bad.

We both lack ball skills, motivation and concentration. We are both unable to simultaneously judge the position of the ball, run to the right spot, focus on meeting the ball with the racquet, think about where a strategic return might be, and then actually make the ball go where we aimed it.

But it was still a good game. And the reason it was good was because both of us are as crummy as each other. We were taking equal roles and equal shares in the game.

Now I can practice all I like, but I'll never be a really good tennis player. If I play with someone better than me, we will not take equal roles or shares in the game. The person better than me will have to think more, hit cleverly, restrain themselves and be gracious in my failures.

It got me thinking about friendship again*.

One of the big questions about friendship is: what about the difficult people? You know - the people who are a little bit odd, a little bit different. The ones who don't seem to fit in, who don't get the right jokes, or make the right jokes. The ones who are just that much harder to love, harder to get on with than everyone else.

Do I still have to be their friend? And even if I want to, how can I be their friend without going crazy? Isn't it just easier to ignore them?

The connection with tennis is this.

Like tennis, relationships require a lot of what is called 'regulation'. Two parties both need to take some responsibility for the give and take, the back and forth, the regulation.

In some relationships, regulation is naturally unbalanced. A parent will always take more responsibility for regulation in a relationship with a child. A teacher will regulate for a pupil. A powerful person in any field must regulate more when relating to a less powerful person.

Peer relationships are where regulation is balanced and is equal. Usually this kind of relationship is between people of a similar age, but there can be differently aged people who are peers in knowledge, in ability or in status.

It is definitely easiest to relate to peers. We all seem to naturally seek out people who are similar to us. My daughter is an ace at finding her peer group no matter where she is. Regulation is easy because it is balanced.

Any friendship with a peer is going to be easier than with someone who is not a peer, whether that's because of a difference in age, ability or interests. Regulation becomes less natural - we have to think harder and work harder.

The 'difficult people' that we all find so hard to relate to may look like peers, but they have a different ability in social relationships, which makes it difficult to know how to regulate with them. We have to think harder. We have to work harder and it takes more out of us.

But that's no reason to avoid or ignore the difficult people. In fact, if we can recognise that it is a problem of regulation, it may make it easier to relate to them.

I enjoyed my tennis game with my friend. But sometimes I'd like to play with someone who is better than me. I'd love to be shown how it's done and be given a chance to stretch myself. If I could find someone who would be gracious enough to regulate their game for me, I'd really appreciate it.

In the Christian family we are bound by love to each other. We might be naturally better friends with some people - our peers - with whom we regulate easily. And we might go to those people for a refreshing and fun 'game of tennis'. But we have a responsibility to love and relate to those who are not peers as well. Regulation with them might be more energy-consuming but it's important and it's crucial.


*This is for some talks I'll be giving in July to returning Missionary Kids at a camp.
** If you think I haven't explained what I mean very clearly, I'd love your comments. My head is twisting a little trying to get this out.

Succumbing

I've had a lot of trouble managing to do my regular (won't say daily) Bible readings recently. For the last few years I would get the children ready and in front of Sesame Street by 8am, so I could sit down and read and pray.

But getting three of them ready takes a lot longer than two! And at 8am most mornings I am still running around in my PJs, packing lunches, writing notes, putting washing on... the list goes on. Even when the TV goes on, there still seems to be a lot of urgent business to attend to.

Time is a factor, but so is concentration. I seem to be more and more distractible these days.

So I have succumbed to something I have always eschewed in the past: using a daily devotional book for my Bible readings.

I've never really liked them much. Either they seemed too simple and not worth my while, or I would read ahead obsessively and do 15 in one day, not really getting anything from any of them.

Ideally, my preferred option is to take a book of the Bible, and work through it over days or weeks, noting themes and connections and really thinking through the words.

But now I'm desperate, distracted and devoid of time. So a daily devotional is suiting me just fine. My aim is to take one thought into the day and chew it over. If I can keep focused on that, I'll be doing better than having no thoughts at all.

So far it's working.

Yesterday's devotional focused on Jesus' words about not worrying, taking the birds of the air as an example. The writer used a picture of geese on a lake in the middle of a storm. Rather than panic, flap about or run away, the geese, together, faced calmly into the storm and held their position.

Some days I feel like I'm in the middle of a storm. If I can just face into it, with God's help and keep my position, I'll come out the other side.

Continuing the health kick

Dried fruit is healthy, right?

Not necessarily. Most commercially dried fruits use sulphites as a preservative. It keeps the fruit nice and plump and colourful.

Trouble is, in just one commercially dried apricot the sulphur exceeds the recommended daily intake for a child.

So a child munching on dried fruit for snacks will be ingesting really high levels of sulphur. And sulphites have been linked to asthma and excema amongst other things.

I've stopped buying sulphur dried fruit and only buy naturally dried now. The taste is great, the colour is less, but I'm happier inside.


And while I'm on the topic: here's a great recipe for fruit (and vegie) leather.

Use really ripe fruit, or else soften it a little in the steamer.

With a bamix or kitchen whiz thing, mix together any combination of fruit plus a little honey. In my last lot of fruit leather, I used steamed carrots, pears, apricots, sultanas and a secret ingredient - goji berries. (These are apparently a complete source of protein, and protein is what my little fella needs a lot of.)

Add water if needed to get it to a nice thick globby consistency.

Lay some cling wrap on a tray and spread the fruit mix over it - about 3-5mm thick.

Put the tray in your car, park it in the sun with the window down 1 inch and in 6-8 hours, you have beautiful fruit leather. Great for snacks.

New interests/hobbies/obsessions

1. Health kick
It's official. I think sugar is vile, evil and dangerous. I'm taking my children off it as much as possible, and have nearly eliminated it from my life (apart from the odd piece of chocolate). I have become convinced of the ultimate goodness of organic food and home cooking and nut butters. Numbers in ingredient lists are to be avoided at all costs. Everyone (bar the dog) in my house is now taking Omega3 and Omega6 oils. My favourite section of the supermarket is the health food aisle, and my favourite shops in the local town are the two organic wholefoods markets. Don't worry - if you come to visit, I'll still serve something edible.

2. Tsunami puzzles
Have you seen these things? They are logic puzzles where you fill in some squares and keep others blank in order to make pictures. Kind of like Sudoku but more fun because it's not numbers. I'm addicted.

3. My new grinding kitchen machine thingy
It's a juicer/sausage maker/grinder/pulser/ all in one. I bought it for the sausages but they've been a dismal failure. However, the frozen fruit sorbet that it whizzes up is pretty spectacular - and delicious.



If my brother is reading this (and you know who you are...) yes I still enjoy my obsessions of yesteryear. It's just that I don't have time for everything. Someday I'll get back into home-made paper, cross-stitching, quilting, photo-albums, cloth nappy designs, sewing clothes, making cushions, folk art and painting, Alexander Technique, swimming laps, furniture restoration, vegetable gardening (although that's about to hit a resurgence) and interior design. I read a book last year that said I wasn't lazy or uncommitted for switching around, I just had a particular kind of brain. I want to believe it.

In this case, it's style over substance

In my quest to gain more knowledge and wisdom about friendship and belonging, I've been reading some more books.

An intriguing title I picked up at my local (wonderful) library is by Deborah Tannen - That's Not What I Meant. She's a linguist who argues that conversational style can make or break your relations with others.

Think about someone you've recently met for the first time. What was your impression of that person? Did he appear intelligent? Overbearing? Perhaps a little dull, or just shy and polite.

Tannen's argument is that conversational style sends out signals that most people read as character signals. But the two may not match up.

For example, people speak at different speeds. People from a slow-talking area (out in the country?) think that fast-talkers (from the city?) are overbearing. But fast-talkers think slow-talkers are stupid.

Slow-talkers think of themselves as polite and laid-back. Fast-talkers think of themselves as smart and efficient.

Conversational style is not just about speed. It involves volume, intonation, choice of words and timing.

When we chat to people, we usually think in terms of intentions (are they rude, polite, interested?) and character (she’s nice, he’s not).

But Tannen's book turns this on its head. She says that many instances of rudeness, stubbornness, inconsiderateness or refusal to cooperate are really caused by differences in conversational style.

And if we knew a little more about our own style, compared with the style of others, a lot of miscommunications and relationship difficulties could be avoided.

Little steps forward

I really should start a whole other blog about autism. But in the meantime, I'd like to share some of my son's tiny steps forward that happened this week.

He ate something new - a dried apricot. (Check back amongst my last few posts to see why this is amazingly exciting.)

He wore something new - a red jacket one day, and a red t-shirt the next. (For six months he has refused to wear anything that is not a yellow, green or navy t-shirt or jacket - completely plain, no stripes or designs. He runs yelling from the room when I show him a Thomas the Tank Engine t-shirt.)

He talked to the lady in the fruit shop. She said, "Do you go to preschool?" He said, "Yes." (Camera cuts to mummy silently jumping up and down in frenzied excitement in the background. This is amazing! Three months ago he used to yell when strangers looked at him, and he couldn't answer any type of question.)

A lovely time of night with him is story time. I scour the local (wonderful) library every week for three good bedtime books. This week we had 'Ten in the Bed'. On every page a different soft toy falls out of the bed with an appropriate noise like 'thump' or 'donk'. He giggles his head off and you can see his little face just anticipating the exciting part of every page. It's really fun to read it to him.

Men... I'm not getting it

What is it with the recent overflow of gender discussion in evangelical circles?

Everywhere I turn there are conversations and conferences about what it really means to be a Christian man or a Christian woman. What we need, what we want, what we don't need, what we should never ever be like.

I'm finding it odd. The way I grew up, all our energy went into what it meant to be a Christian. Following Jesus, not finding out gender, was the important thing.

Take for example, a brochure I saw recently for an unnamed series of conferences for men, coming up in Australia shortly. It's only focus seems to be on masculinity, what it is, what it isn't, how to get it and then what to do with it. It calls it biblical masculinity. Is masculinity really something the Bible spends a lot of time talking about?

Surely you could equally run a cooking conference on biblical nutrition. I would think the Bible talks as much about food as it does about masculinity?

The brochure identifies what it calls the six needs of men. Here they are:

--- First men need a safe place where they know someone understands them and they are not alone.

Doesn't this apply equally to women and children? And don't we all find it in God, who is frequently called our 'strength and refuge'? Aren't we all 'hidden in Christ', and not alone because we are part of Christ's body?


--- Second, men need a compelling vision of biblical masculinity that they can grasp.

I would have thought that men, like women and children, need a compelling vision of the God of the universe and his son Christ, who died for them, and the Holy Spirit who lives in all of us to work in and change us to be like Christ.


--- Third men need time to effectively process their manhood.

I'm sorry, what? What about time to effectively meditate on and consider the word of God and process their Christian commitment?


--- Fourth, men need practical applications they can use and taste success with.

Not sure the apostle Paul would have gone for this 'taste of success' (check the passage where he enumerates his beatings, shipwrecks, imprisonments etc), and I think he gave us enough practical applications at the end of every epistle. If this is a euphemism for a woodwork elective where the men get to make something, why not just say so?


--- Fifth, men need male mentors to encourage them through their manhood journey.

Here, finally, is something I nearly agree with. Yes, men need mentors. But so do women and children. And it's not a 'manhood' journey. It's a journey with Christ, a marathon with the Holy Spirit - destination heaven and righteousness through God's forgiveness.


--- Sixth, men need a 'sacred moment' whre they know they have become not just a man but a biblical man

This is just previewing the special emotive altar call the conference organisers are planning at the end, so that every man can be called to put his hand to up to say, "Yes, I've become a biblical man" and hug (but not look at) the fella next to him, feel great for a week and then come back next year for the same emotional high.

Cynical? You bet. Look, if you've got a Y chromosone, you are a man. And if you follow Jesus and believe the Bible and do what it says, you're a Christian (and gasp! a biblical) man. Get over it.


--- Finally men need the church. The church needs to lead and encourage men to pursue biblical manhood.

The church needs to lead and encourage people to follow Jesus! And to tell others about him. Especially the millions in the world who have never ever heard and who will never ever hear unless Christian men and women and children get out there and tell them.

-----

Is it just me, or is this whole conference dealing in comfy little side issues? What this brochure says is "It's all about YOU", not "It's all about JESUS." Once we take our eyes off Christian mission, this must be where we end up.

If you were thinking about attending this conference, let me challenge you to go and do some pushups (which are harder for men than women), save the registration money and send it to your local missionary instead. And then write to the conference organisers and ask them to save their money and spend it in ways more glorifying to Jesus and his gospel message.

Kinda like this one

"People are strange when you’re a stranger."

– Jim Morrison

How to win friends

I'm still trowelling around for material on friendships and belonging to incorporate in my upcoming series of talks at the Missionary Kid camp later this year. At the (wonderful) local library, I found Dale Carnegie’s world-famous book How to win friends and influence people. I didn't know that it was first published in 1936!

Below is a quick summary of some of his major points. They're basic common sense, but easy to forget.

Dale Carnegie's fundamental techniques in handling people

-- Don’t criticise, condemn or complain
-- Give honest and sincere appreciation
-- Arouse in the other person an eager want

Dale Carnegie's Six Ways to Make People like you

-- Become genuinely interested in other people
-- Smile.
-- Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
-- Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
-- Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
-- Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely.