Triangulation

Triangulation is something we all do frequently, and I don't want to do it any more. To understand it, imagine a triangle with three points, A, B and C.

Person A wants to establish a relationship with person B. The easiest and quickest way to do this is to insult or insinuate person C, whom they both know. A and B find that their immediate link is through their dislike of person C. It doesn't just stop there, though. It's equally easy for B to find a connection with C by dissing A, and so the triangle goes on.

If we think about it, we do this ALL the time. It's so easy to put down others, without even thinking about it. I am trying to make myself aware of when I do it, and find other ways to connect with people.

Birthday

Today we held a beautiful little birthday party for my nearly three year old. It was calm, happy and delightful.

The children played in the cubby house, with the dress ups and on the bikes. They ate, drank, played duck duck goose and then we cut the cake.

Do you like it? My daughter and I made and decorated it. The name down the side was just to use up the rest of the icing!

Target

I once saw an amazing documentary about the World Hair Olympics. Stylists from around the globe met together in one venue to ‘out-do’ each other and win the grand hairdressing prize.

The hairdressers trained for more than a year to do only one hairstyle each. It was planned down to the minutest detail of cut, colour and length. Curls were flicked and sprayed to exact angles. Feathers and flowers were added. The results were like nothing I’ve ever had on my head!

Each stylist practiced on mannequin heads for months leading up to the actual event when they used a real person. The heads were washed, blow dried, coloured and then washed, blow dried and coloured again.

Once the competition was over and the heads had lost their purpose, they were discarded.

Where did they end up?

Not on an urban rubbish heap. These particular mannequin heads were given to the local police department to be used as target practice. Each head was mounted on a spike while police officers fired round after round into them.

It is possible for us to treat people who do not yet know Christ in a similar way to these mannequin heads.

We get to know them and we spend time with them but it’s only until they’ve served their purpose. Then when we’re ready, we target them and fill them, bang bang bang, with the gospel message.

I would hope that no Christian would ever consciously target someone else for evangelism in this way. However, it is an easy trap to fall into. There are many reasons we do it -- and many of them are good reasons.

Sometimes we value the importance and the truth of the Gospel message so much that we forget the value and importance of the people we are sharing it with. A feeling of urgency can make the end result seem more important than the process.

Targeting people is foul. Being friends with people in order to ‘get them along’ or invite them to a Bible study is basically using them for a quota system.

People know when they are being used. People know when they are being manipulated into ‘buying’ something, whether that’s a mobile phone, an overseas holiday, or a religious belief.

We should be friends with people because they are people – because they are God’s creations, loved by God. And our lives should be so imbued with the love of God that sharing Jesus will come out in natural, gentle ways.

People will see our lives and hear our speech and know that God has made that difference because we are open. When we are lovingly curious about their lives and want to share them, they may pay us the compliment of being curious about our lives and the God that we serve.

I cried

This is the latest book to be discussed by our book club. I absolutely loved it and the chapter in which the author's young husband died made me cry real tears.

Well worth a read!

Sign of the times

Water restrictions have had an effect on all of our lives.

My nine year old was invited to a friend's place on a hot day and was asked to bring her swimmers.

"Why do I have to bring them Mum?" she asked.

"You're going to play in the sprinkler," I explained.

"What's a sprinkler?" she wanted to know.

On holidays

We're having two weeks away at the beach from tomorrow, so bye bye bloggy land. See you all soon!

It's all finished!

Have a look at the cubby house - inside and out. I'm really really delighted with it, and the children are like pigs in mud.

Birthday cake

My poor hubby missed out on his birthday party this year because our boys were suffering from the vomiting bug.

However, we did get to eat his birthday cake, made before the dreaded throw-ups started.

Painting the cubby

I know, they aren't great photos - obviously I need to wipe the lens... but here's the progress on the cubby house.

The paint is on - green with white trim on the outside. One room is cream inside and the other is pink.

Below is my neighbour, the brains and designer behind the whole operation. He's making the roof frame and tomorrow we should have a completed house!

Once again, our other neighbour came over to have a stickybeak and a cuppa!

Cecily

How does the creator of this cartoon know so much about my life?

Fruit grower

For years I've been pondering the fruit of the spirit - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness and self-control. How do you really get them in your life anyway?

I've tried 'trying harder'. But forcing love just makes me more bitter and cross at the end of the day. I've tried praying and have asked frequently for supernatural injections of love and patience but the results have been disappointing.

It struck me the other day that perhaps I am attempting to 'manufacture' fruit instead of preparing the conditions for the fruit to grow naturally. Rather than focus on the fruit itself, I need to look more closely at where it is growing.

So taking a roundabout look at each of the fruits of the spirit in turn, and what they need to blossom may be more helpful. It will give me an interesting picture of what life 'in the Spirit' might look like.

For example: I find it hard to be patient when:
- I'm rushing
- I have expectations of other people that they don't share
- I am focused on the things I 'need to do' or I'm trying to do too much.
- I have a lot in my head at once.
- I forget about the real goal or purpose of my life.
- I have not slept or eaten properly.
- I am not rested sufficiently.
- I am angry and have not told the truth about my feelings.
- I am worried.

So from this I know I need to slow down - in both physical speed and emotional intensity. I need to take care of myself in terms of food and rest. I need to tell the truth and not hide my feelings. I need to be sensible in what I am trying to do and understand what I can take on. I need to give up my need to be a superhero and achieve everythign. I need to organise myself with enough time, or else be willing to give up deadlines.

With enough steady slow watering, my patience will grow!

A truly amazing book

I've been reading a little more of this book. It requires taking small bites rather than swallowing great slabs because every paragraph of every page is so full of treasures.

Sittser is in the unenviable position of having lost his wife, mother and daughter in one car accident. A Grace Disguised tells some of his journey of faith through the hard years following his loss. I was moved by the story he tells about moving through his pain.

Immediately following the funeral, Sittser fell into a despairing darkness. At the time he thought he would never emerge from it. A few nights later he had a dream where he was alone on a vast plain. The sun was setting - going further and further west, and he could see that however far he ran, he would never be able to reach the light. He felt that the darkness would swallow him up.

He talked about the dream to his brother, a pastor and poet. For him, it called to mind a poem by John Donne, where west meets east. His sister in law then told him that the quickest way to reach light is apparently not to run west, chasing it, but to run east, into the darkness.

Sittser took a decision to 'run east' and accept and embrace his loss rather than deny it. It didn't make it easier for him to bear it, but it helped him to know that he would see the strains of daylight sooner.

Cubby progress

All the walls are up. Now to finish the cladding, re-fix the window and put the roof on. After that, I hand over to interior decorator hubby to make it pretty!

Another challenging morning

I got enough responses to my 'alarming morning' post that I thought I would share my other recent challenging morning.

The first thing to know is that I have a cross-dressing two-year old. He only puts on boys clothes if he's going out. His preferred outfits are his sister's pink floral dresses. He wears her shoes everywhere and he loves playing with Barbies.

Sunday mornings I am on my own. Andrew is normally already at church by the time the kids are awake and its up to me to get everyone dressed, fed, groomed and out the door for the 9:30 service.

On this particular morning, the two year old who had been dressed correctly, found the pink floral dress about five minutes before we had to leave. He undressed completely and put it on.

I was in a rush and he wasn't going to take off the 'pink', so I put him in the car with the intention to dress him once we got to church before he got out of the car.

We arrived to find no spots in the concreted car park, so had to park under the trees. But it had been raining and the dirt had turned to MUD. I opened the door and started to dress the little boy. So far so good, but then something happened that never ever ever happens: my five year old got out of the car by himself. Normally this would be a great achievement. The only problem was that he slid his feet (no shoes) straight down into the MUD.

So I had a half-dressed toddler squirming to get out, a five year old screaming with muddy feet. The complicating factor in all this was the new cream upholstery in our brand new car.

Somehow I managed to wipe feet, keep seats clean, dress a kid, put on shoes and get both of them out and into the church building so that I could head to the kitchen and prepare the morning tea I also had to carry in with me.

However, I made a fatal mistake.

The toddler wanted that pink dress so much that I let him carry it inside with him. While I was busy in the kitchen, he went to the creche, took off all his clothes and put the pink dress on again.

The next thing I knew was my son was running through the church hall dressed in a pink floral dress with a huge grin on his face. I swiped him up and plonked him back in the car, whipped the dress off and got rid of it. He started to tantrum and refused his clothes. I had to leave him naked in the car while I went back to get the five year old who can't cope without me at church.

In the end, it was a matter of waiting out the tantrum. You can normally time his episodes to about 25-30 minutes. Once he'd cried it out, he was happy to get dressed in his shorts and head into church.

Amazingly, I was laughing. It was an amusing morning! And you can see a picture of the dreaded pink dress in the photo of our cubby house two posts below!

An alarming morning

Thursday is the morning I do the preschool run. It's rarely straight-forward, but this morning it was especially interesting.

It began about 8.30 just as I was finishing packing the boys lunch. The two year old was so excited to be going that he began emptying his bag and eating his lunch. Mess everywhere.

Then my nine-year old came in in a state of panic. She had a harp lesson at 10am and was looking for her tuning key. "Have you seen it? Where is it mum?"

I suggested she look in the special place where we had decided she should keep it. No tuning key. We walked around the house looking in the obvious places, but still no tuning key. I rang the RSL club on the chance I might have left it there last Sunday (hockey presentations... long story), but no tuning key.

"We'll have to check at church," I said and proceeded to repack the two year old's bag and get him and his sister into the car.

Then it was time to move the five year old. He has autism, and hates transitions. I had to pick him up screaming and calm him down to put him in the car, having already put in his shoes and bag.

We then went on the drop off. Thankfully the younger son was easy. He literally danced in. It was just as well because the five year old was NOT GOING TO PRESCHOOL MUM!
"I'm Going Later Mum. I'm Missing Preschool. It's Locked. I Want To Go Home!!!" All at the top of his voice in full screaming mode as I drove the car down the hill.

I wrenched him out of the car and we sat on the kerb for a while. The preschool teacher finally heard the din and came out to help. Together we got him through the gate and spent ten minutes trying to calm him down to no avail. Meanwhile, there were parents coming in and out asking me kindly, "Are you ok?" "Is it his first time here?" I just couldn't tell them that he's been coming all year and except for maybe four mornings, he's cried every time.

In the middle of this, the new car alarm went off. My daughter was sitting inside and unlocked the door. I wasn't quite sure what to do, but pressing enough remote buttons on the key thankfully shut it down.

Finally I got him inside and left. The next task was to find the tuning key. We turned into the church carpark and I noticed there were no cars parked, which meant probably there was no one there, which meant I would have to negotiate the building alarm. I don't know the password!

I took a punt that there might just be someone inside, or perhaps that the alarm was off, so I unlocked the door, but my punt sank. As soon as we got inside, the siren wailed and whined.

I decided I wouldn't waste an open door, so went to look for the tuning key anyway. My ears are pretty used to high pitched screeches by now! Wouldn't you know it - it wasn't there! (The alarm reset itself when I left and I took a call from security checking I wasn't a robber.)

We prayed before we went home that we would find the tuning key. The harp has 30 strings, and it was sounding pretty bad, so we definitely needed to tune. We walked in and the second place I looked was inside the piano stool.

"Oh yeah," said my daughter. "I remember now. I put it in there!"

Cubby progress

Here's the progress on the cubby house. We put the walls up today on the first room.

Below you can see my carpentry teacher and next door neighbour who came up with the plans for this mansion. He has designed it so that it can be unbolted and moved, should we shift sometime in the future.

My other neighbour in the picture came in to see what the excitement was all about!
There will be another room on the side (where the walls are not completed) - the 'writing room' according to my daughter.

Next task is to make the frames and floor for room 2, clad them and put them up. We'll work on the roof at the end.

Bread

I got really hungry for chappati bread (unleavened flat bread from Pakistan) the other day, so I decided to make some.

Unfortunately it turned out tough and burned. Not good enough by half. It certainly didn't measure up to my memories of eating our friend Izzat's chappatis in Rattanbad when we lived in Pakistan.

Thank goodness for the internet. I looked up how to make chappatis and came up with a few tips which made the following day's attempt a lot more acceptable.

Here's how I did it.

I mixed half wholemeal flour and half white flour with a little salt and enough water to make a soft, sticky dough. Apparently this makes a softer chappati. I kneaded it in my Whizz Power Mix for about five minutes and let it rest for half an hour.

Then I rolled out small balls nice and flat - the edges need to be flatter than the sides so that it helps the chappati puff up. Mine are not quite round. I wish I was more perfectionistic and could get them perfectly circular. Oh well. They all go down the same way.

I cooked them in my heavy wok - although it's not quite right. They would have done better over gas, but it was ok with an electric burner. The pan was pretty hot. I cooked one side and pressed down gently with a tea towel to help it puff up in the middle. Then cooked the other side.

Unfortunately I ate way way way too many of these. Then I did something even worse and deep fried them to make poori. Even more yummy, but bad for the waistband of my jeans...

Love/hate

Thanks to my husband's inspiration, I will compile a love/hate list

Love
earrings and shoes
a good project that requires planning and execution
the finished feeling when I complete a good project
showing off my good project
speaking in public
sharing a joke with my children (they think I'm funny)
laughing at my husband's jokes (I think he's funny)
food - in quantity
rollerskating, pilates and a good swim
a nice cup of tea

Hate
making phone calls
organising holidays
taking out the garbage
being interrupted when I'm in the middle of a good project
my susceptibility to RSI
sports interviews on TV or radio
male bravado
female helplessness
the sounds of people breathing or snoring
dripping taps and ticking clocks
when people don't listen

Harping on...

We have found a 30-string folk harp for our daughter to learn to play. It's a beautiful instrument and she's delighted. Already she's learning to play the Cradle Song and practicing her children's band pieces. It sounds gorgeous.

Laughing

Children

My nine year old daughter said today, "Life is like an adventure, and heaven is home."

I said, "You should write that down and use it in a book." She looked at me as if I was crazy.

And it's official. The two year old managed to get through the entire winter without ever putting on a top, jacket or jumper with long sleeves, long pants in a heavier fabric than cotton, or socks with his shoes.

Obsessive escapism or just having fun?

My brain loves a project and I'm really really really loving building my cubby house right now!

This picture shows my latest achievement. I managed to build a side frame with pointy roofy bits AND put in a window ($5 from the tip). I've got another gorgeous old frosted window for another frame.

People ask me how I have time to do this sort of thing. Honestly, I get kind of obsessed over my projects so I sneak half hours here and there to go down and build. I also tend to make decisions like: hmmm, washing or building? cooking or building? cleaning or building? Building wins right now.

As well, I figure I'm doing this for the children's ultimate enjoyment and play. They will LOVE this cubby house and I hope it will get them outside a lot together.

I'm also modelling learning new skills, trying things out and showing that you can make things and make it good with bits and pieces; everything you get doesn't have to be new from the shop. I hope that my children might one day think, "Mum built things and found ways past the challenges, so I can too."

Epic journey

My husband is very good at buying books. It's a skill that doesn't always get my total approval, but his most recent purchase is a real gem.

I've been a bit cross with God recently, mostly over prayer that appears to be unanswered in the way I want so my dear husband found me two books to help. Jerry Sittser is the author of both of them. (I'd tell you the titles, but then I'd have to get up from the computer and walk through the house to get them...)

Sittser lost a mother, wife and daughter in a car accident and is now the single father of the three remaining children. He's been through the wringer and come out the other side and his insights are very very helpful to me.

The idea that is sitting in my head right now is what he says about seeing prayer as an 'epic journey'. You get there in the end, but there are huge ups and downs along the way. Think Frodo and the Lord of the rings. If he'd given up when he met his first obstacle, the ring would never have been destroyed. In the same way, our epic journeys of prayer will not necessarily be straightforward and may well be dangerous and life-threatening.

I'm looking forward to reading the remaining chapters.

Cubby house

I'm building the kids a cubby house. I've enlisted the help of our lovely neighbour and he is showing me what to do. This is the progress as of yesterday. The floor and one wall frame have been done. Today I measured, sawed and hammered another wall frame. My arm muscles are complaining.

Starting at a new group

Some more from my newly finished book...
I’ve come in new to enough groups of people that I know what usually happens. I also know how bad I usually feel, and have worked out a way to get over it. What is normal, and how will you feel when you walk into a new group? This is the rough mental plan that I rely on.

First 5 minutes
Probably will happen...
Not many people will talk to you although they might eye you curiously. This doesn’t necessarily mean they hate you. It just means they feel shy too. You’ll feel uncomfortable, out of place and a little lost. You might get an overwhelming desire to turn around, leave and never come back.
Keep going! These are completely normal feelings. Act confident, breathe deeply and you’ll come through it.

Probably won't happen...
As you enter, you probably won’t see people with outstretched arms pointing at you and laughing (unless you arrive in a bunny suit). You probably won’t have things thrown at you. You probably won’t be attacked verbally or physically. If this does happen, take off the bunny suit. But either way, you should probably turn around and walk out! Who needs the abuse?

First 10 minutes
Probably will happen...
If you’ve found your contact person, you’ll probably be introduced to a couple of people. You’ll have some slightly awkward and stilted chat. You might not know where to go to get to the facilities. You’ll still feel weird and embarrassed. Keep going! This is normal. It will get easier. Remember, you’re not the only one who’s talking to someone new. The others are just as shy as you. If you need to, ask your way to the bathroom, put on some lip gloss for confidence, pray and regroup with some deep breathing in a stall!

Probably won't happen...
It would be unusual for absolutely no-one to have spoken to you at all by this stage. If looks of pure hatred and disgust are still being shot your way, you might want to consider a few things: First, check your body language and appearance. Are you suitably dressed? Does your body language say ‘I don’t want to be here?’ Do you look confident? Ask yourself if you’re just paranoid. Find someone you know and ask them to introduce you around.
If none of this works, or someone spits in your face, perhaps you have stumbled into a group of neo-Nazis about to elect their new leader, and you probably should get out while the going is good.

First half hour
Probably will happen...
By this stage, hopefully you will have participated in the group in some small way. You should be feeling more comfortable in the room. You may have had some conversations with a few people. You’ll still feel like you’re doing a lot of work and expending a lot of effort for not much return, but rest assured, this is still normal. Keep going. Make it a challenge to yourself to last another half hour!

Probably won't happen...
If anyone is going to throw fried eggs at you or set an explosion, it would probably be at this point. If you collect a fried egg around the head, you are absolutely within your rights to leave. And fast.

At the end
Go home, write down everyone’s names that you remember for reference for next time. Put the next meeting in your diary. Take a nice hot shower, treat yourself (my choice is chocolate) and feel pleased that the worst is over! You’ve done really well! If you come home bruised and battered physically or emotionally, hop in the bath and have a long soak. Nurse your wounds and remember – you’re not a failure just because you encountered an unfriendly group of people!

Love a cup of tea...

Birthday season is over at our house for a while and I thought I'd go out with a bang.

This is the cake for the nine year old. Ambitious, I know, but I fell in love with a teapot in one of the cake decorating books and knew I wouldn't be content until I had done it.

Honestly and truly, it was a lot easier than it looks. If you can do playdough, you can do a cake like this.

The trick is to start early - don't try to do it the night before.

I made two round cakes and some muffins a week ago. When the cakes were cool, I stuck them on top of each other with some butter icing and then shoved all of them in the freezer.

A few days later I pulled them out and carved the shape of the ball out of the two round cakes. I also trimmed off the muffins so they were a little more tea cup shaped.

Once I was happy with the shape, I covered the whole thing in a layer of butter icing (you could also use apricot jam). This is what keeps the crumbs from falling into everything and wrecking the design. I then put it back into the freezer until I was ready to decorate it.

Then came the fun bit. I bought readymade white icing in a little box from the supermarket. I can't remember what it's called, but it's up high and next to the marzipan icing.

If you can do playdough, this stuff is just the same! I rolled it out to cover the teapot and the teacups and added food colouring for the handles and the decorations. The spout and the teapot handle are just modelled icing, held on with toothpicks. I didn't make the icing flowers on the teapot - you can buy them in the cake section at the supermarket.

Finally, the little cups had a teaspoon of chocolate mousse added to the top to look like hot chocolate or coffee.

My daughter didn't want to cut it - she thought it was too good to eat!

Nine year olds

I try not to post too much about my children on this blog, but I've really been enjoying watching my nine year old interact with her friends over the past few weeks.

They began filming a 'movie' one afternoon, acting out the roles from 'Enchanted' and finding props for sets around the house. It was such fun for them that they decided they wanted to finish it and have spent about the last four Wednesday afternoons at our place doing scenes and having me film them with the video camera.

We're about two thirds of the way through now. My daughter and I have been editing it and learning a lot about the video editor as we go!

I love listening to them organise themselves, practice and then do the filming. I've also heard them start to discuss the characters and their ethics, find holes in the plot and work out where the script falls down. It's been better than sending them to a discussion group at film school!

They've improved in all areas in the weeks they've been doing it, and when they finish they'll have a gorgeous little film to watch together, together with a blooper reel.

And just for fun: here' s a quote from another nine year old. I heard her discussing another little girl with my daughter.

"Yes, I think she's about my 38th best friend."

One more week

Yep, I think I've got about a week's worth of work left to do on my book! How cool.

Now hopefully the publishers will like what they see!

What to do with my life?

At the beginning of middle age, it's time to consider what I'm going to do with the rest of my life.

Here are a few of the things I'm thinking about. If anyone has any more suggestions, I'm all ears!

- Children. I'm very committed to being present with my children, and to giving them opportunities to learn and grow, gentle guidance and as much patience and love and enjoyment of our relationship as I can. So most of the time I'm going to need to spend with them, especially as the littlest is still only two. This will take up the majority of the next 16 years!

- Writing. This is definitely my 'first love' in terms of career. Writing is what I have always wanted to do, ever since I was aged 5 and engaged to James Carson (who was 3 at the time). Incidentally, we had big plans for our life together. We'd live in NZ, have two boys and two girls, all of whose names began with R, he would be a farmer and I would be a writer. As long as I can keep getting up early in the morning, I can probably do this. It will get easier once the kiddies are a little more independent. I would love to do a story set in Pakistan, but I might have to wait a few years before I can travel without leaving everyone stranded at home.

- RDI. I know a number of autistic/Aspergers' teenagers and adults. I would really love to become an RDI consultant and specialise in helping these older folk gain the relationship skills they want. The barrier to doing this is oh, around about $10,000 AUD for the course, plus two lots of airfares to Houston. Then there is the time to see clients. If somehow I managed to wangle a day per week free, it could work, but that could be hard. I'll have to pray about it.

- all the other stuff. Bible study, speaking here and there, seeing friends, keeping fit, doing some quilting, having time to spend with various others.

Any more suggestions?

Friendships in the Bible III: Onesimus and Philemon

Of all the stories of friendship in the Bible, I love Onesimus and Philemon most. Philemon is such a tiny little book in the New Testament but its meanings and implications are profound and drastic.

Philemon is a book that must shake us to our core if and change our relationships and social life if we take it seriously.

It centers, appropriately enough, around Philemon, a wealthy man of good social standing, who becomes a Christian possibly through Paul’s ministry, and his rebellious, runaway slave, Onesimus.

In those days, masters owned slaves. It was not an equal relationship by any means. In ordinary circumstances, Philemon and Onesimus were certainly not relating to each other as people, peers or equals. They would not have been friends.

Onesimus stole money from Philemon and ran away. We’re not told more than that except that in some extraordinary way, he ended up with Paul in Rome and became a Christian. He could have stayed there and begun a new life, but Paul was keen to see Philemon and Onesimus reconciled -- and in a bigger way than just a master and slave.

Paul writes his short letter to Philemon and asks them to accept Onesimus back – as a brother. Not as a slave, but as a child of God like himself, in fact a friend.

Philemon is being called on to give up all the social expectations of his day. Accepting Onesimus back as a slave would be a scandal, even with a suitable punishment. But to welcome him into his house as an equal and friend and valued human being would really turn things upside down! Philemon would probably find himself on the outside amongst his peers.

This is Christianity that really makes waves. To go against social norms, class and race lines or socioeconomic status and make friends with people who are considered ‘lesser’ is a very courageous thing to do.

Philemon is being asked to do it and to demonstrate the character of God in a beautifully scandalous way – a very costly way to himself.

This is what God saving love brings us to do – to break down the man-made barriers of hatred of difference that we create and maintain at the cost of people’s lives. Social scandals are as real today as they were in Philemon’s time. But Christian friendship goes across money, status, and social acceptance. Christian friendship is radical and beautifully scandalous.

Six random facts

I've been tagged to do another meme by Prue (see link to the side). I'm going to disobey the rules and not copy them down here. How naughty! Also - anyone who wants to can do this one themselves. I unofficially tag AP, Jess and MW.

The meme requires six random facts about myself, so here goes.

1. Despite my best intentions, I remain uncommitted to composting.

2. Ditto clearing out the clutter and having "a place for everything and everything in its place."

3. I invent new future careers and business opportunities for myself every time I discover something new. Unfortunately (or perhaps thankfully) I rarely if ever follow through! In the last two years I've wanted to be a pilates instructor, alexander technique teacher, psychologist/counsellor, RDI consultant, online seller of "Not your daughters jeans", blockbuster writer, newspaper columnist...

4. I once declared 14 to be the 'ideal age'. Of course, that was before I was actually 14.

5. No-one ever had my name or my birthday when I was growing up.

6. If I read intense or emotional books or watch intense or emotional movies I become... yes, intense and emotional.

I'm not creative, just stingy...

My beautiful middle son is turning 5 this week, and loves (no, adores) all things Thomas the Tank Engine. In looking for the right present for him, I saw a wonderful looking engine shed in the shops.
However, on closer inspection, it turned out that two pieces of plywood and a bit of paint and plastic was retailing at over $70.

My Scottish heritage kicked in and I decided to make one. It's constructed out of cardboard and foam with paper mache over the top.

The piece de resistance that I am especially proud of is the way the doors open. They are secured with a long, thin knitting needle, stuck all the way through the doors and walls.

He's pretty happy with it. And I'm pretty excited about paper mache... what else can I cover with gooey paper... ?

Friendships in the Bible II: David and Jonathan

The famous friendship of the Bible has to be that of David and Jonathan. The close, intense relationship between the shepherd boy turned warrior/anointed king-in-waiting and the reigning king’s son has inspired art and literature throughout history.

But on a careful reading, I think they should be known as Jonathan and David, because Jonathan did most of the initiating and maintaining of the friendship – at least in the beginning.

The Bible says that Jonathan took a real liking to David. He made a covenant with him. He loved him as himself. He gave him presents – a robe, weapons, clothing - and provided for him. He warned David about plots against him by his father, he spoke out for him to his father and he used his influence to keep him safe.

It’s not surprising that Jonathan was the main player in the relationship at first, because as the son of the king, he was the one with the power in this relationship. But it is a power that he used for the good of his friend – and at a cost to himself in the end. Every time he kept David safe or promoted his interests, he was destroying his own chances of inheriting his father’s throne. Jonathan’s friendship with David was at the cost of his own career and reputation!

(The intensity of the relationship between Jonathan and David described in 1 Samuel 18-20 has led some commentators to argue that it could have been a sexual relationship. However the text never uses the usual words for sexual intercourse. In Gen 44:30 Jacob’s soul is ‘bound’ to his brother Benjamin in the same words. I like the fact that the most intense friendship in the Bible is between two men. It goes against our stereotype of men only being able to relate over a beer or a game of footy.)

Jonathan was a friend with some pretty impressive qualities. His loyalty to David and courage in the face of political pressure, and an angry, murderous father was unquestioned. He had the humility to say openly that he would never be king. He followed up his commitments, he was generous and he did it all ‘before the Lord’. He showed genuine affection, loyalty and openness. He was the friend everyone would love to have!

But while Jonathan was the one with the power initially, David was not just a passive ‘taker’ in all of this either. As time went on their friendship grew so that by the end it was definitely a two-way relationship between equals. When the pair had to part, the story says that David ‘wept the most’. At Jonathan’s death, David showed immense grief.

One of the particularly beautiful aspects of this friendship was the way David and Jonathan covenanted to do good to each other’s family and descendents. They knew that as technical rivals to the same throne, it was more than likely that their families and heirs could grow to hate each other and try to eliminate their opponents. They took steps to stop the cycle of rivalry and hate – and as time went on, it worked!

Jonathan and David’s friendship has a lot to teach us about power, self-sacrifice and loyalty. Most of us today are unlikely to be in a situation where we become best friends with our greatest rivals.

Cake

Oh yes. It certainly has.

Friendships in the Bible I

For years I thought that God was inefficient. It just didn’t seem to make sense that the Bible is so big and so full of complicated stories. Surely if God really wanted us to know what he was like and how to live, he could have done it in less space and with the use of a few well-placed bullet points.

Thankfully, as I have gotten older, I have come to appreciate efficiency less and relationships more. Now that I understand that God operates in relational ways, it makes sense that his story is told with in the rough-and-tumble of relationships in history.

The Bible is full of friendships – between God and people and between people themselves. We can learn a lot about ourselves and our own relationships by looking at theirs.

The beginning of the book of Ruth tells the story of a woman who had lost everything.

Naomi and her family had left Israel because of famine and had tried to make a life in Moab. But things did not run smoothly. First and probably disappointingly, her two boys grew up and married women who were not Israelites. Next and tragically, Naomi’s husband died. The final horror came with the death of both her sons; the sting in the tail was that both of them had failed to have any children.

Naomi was left with no means of support and no hopes for a family to continue into the future. She had nothing in the present and nothing to look forward to. She returned to Israel low, bitter and more than likely depressed.

But for all her losses, she did have something and that something was a friend. Naomi’s daughter-in-law Ruth came back to Israel with her.
I’ve sometimes wondered if Ruth stuck with Naomi only out of loyalty to the in-law relationship they both had. I wondered if she felt she was doing a duty by the older woman. I think this may have been the case at the beginning, when both daughters-in-law began to start home with Naomi. However, Naomi released them of whatever duty they had when she tried to send them home.

“I can’t give you anything,” she said. “Go back to your homes and families.”

Having been freed of her responsibility, Ruth was then free to choose to go with Naomi. She stuck with her mother-in-law by choice. And a beautiful friendship grew from that free choice.

Ruth was very good for her older friend. Her presence meant that Naomi was not alone in the shame of returning home in failure and tragedy. Ruth was the one who went out to work and provided for them both. Their lives were tied up together.

Ruth was different from Naomi – in language, age, culture and understanding. She was probably not the ideal friend that Naomi would have envisaged for herself if she had thought about it. Naomi would probably have chosen someone who was of the same background, or who spoke the same language fluently. She probably would have wanted someone closer in age to herself, or who had experienced famine and the same things she had gone through. Yet Ruth loved both God and Naomi and she had chosen to be there. That was enough for the relationship to go ahead on.

As Ruth looked after Naomi and supported her, Naomi started to feel a little better. Better enough anyway, to start to have Ruth’s own interests at heart. You know you’re really depressed when all you can think about are your own problems. You know you’re starting to come out of it when you can take a real interest in other people’s issues.

Naomi saw that Ruth who had been so good to her really could do with a bit of a life. She saw an opportunity to provide for her and she took steps and solved one of their biggest problems by getting Boaz to marry Ruth.

It’s almost as if Naomi went from saying “I’m completely empty and God is completely against me” to being able to recognize the things God had given her in Ruth and the opportunities God was providing in Boaz.

By the end of the story, Naomi was no longer empty, bitter and tragic. She was a different woman, and it was because of what God gave her in her friend Ruth.

God gives us people who are good for us, even if they aren’t the people we would choose. He often shows his love for us and his blessings through the love of other people, and he can turn around tragic situations through the friendship and support of our friends.

Take that Donna Hay!

Alright, I really am showing off, but I'm just so thrilled with my (asked for) birthday present from Mum and Dad which mixed these beautiful scones today.

It's the Breville equivalent of a mixmaster. Before I got it out of its box, my little boy pointed at it and said, "What is it a?"

I said, "It's a mixmaster."

He said, "No, it's a Whizz Power Mixer!" He was right. And, yes, he can read more than I thought he could.

Anyway, by some cosmic accident on the very day I wanted to test out my new Whizz Power Mixer, I happened to have in the fridge both lemonade and cream - the secret ingredients for perfect scones.

Try this: in a Breville Whizz Power Mixer with dough hooks, mix together on a low speed 1 cup lemonade, 1 cup cream, 1 egg and 3 cups SR flour. Roll out, cut out and bake in a hot oven (200C) for 20 minutes or until golden on top.

As for once in my life I didn't burn what I put into the oven, I gave some to the neighbours and their assessment was 'delicious'.

Birthday

Thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday. I ended up having a four-day celebration!

On Wednesday we went to see Cirque du Soleil's show Dralion. It was my present from Andrew and it was a truly fantastic show.

Thursday was the birthday itself and I had a lovely breakfast in bed from my daughter (with help from daddy) plus hugs and smiles all day.

Friday we held a party for local friends and enjoyed soup, buns and cake followed by a prayer night for my little boy. (Check my other blog for more details.)

Then Saturday we were able to go up to Sydney for a great Indian dinner with some of the extended family. Fun!

Oh, and I put my 86 year old Poppa on Facebook so he can keep in touch with his grandchildren!

Favourites - thanks AP

1. My favourite TV shows:
Big Love, Flight of the Conchords

2. My favourite breakfast cereal:
muesli with lots of fruit and nuts

3. My favourite gadget:
The computer. Does that count?

4. My favourite book:
Too many to name. Right now: the Teenage Liberation Handbook.

5. My favourite writing implement:
A fountain pen. Not that I have one.

6. My favourite means of transportation:
roller skates

7. My favourite website:
Probably my own blog. That's egotistical isn't it!

8. My favourite musical artist:
Eric Clapton

9. My favourite pair of shoes:
The brown suede super-heels that my friend Kerri-Ann bought at a garage sale. Thankfully they ended up being too small for her and I got them!

10. My favourite beverage:
half-juice, half-water

11. My favourite meal:
chicken kurai from the 'Cockroach' in Murree or a traditional roast lamb

12. My favourite person at the moment:
All the people who remembered my birthday. makes me realise how bad I am at doing the same for them!

13. My favourite view:
driving down the hill to see Wollongong, or anywhere in the Highlands. Or - absolutely unbeatable - is the view of Lake Saiful Maluk in Kaghan Valley Pakistan. Actually, add to that a bridge across the river in Prague... beautiful.

14. My favourite sport:
roller skating.

15. My favourite word:
yes

The beautiful photo...

...yes, is the view down the road to the lake near our place. Taken in Autumn. Isn't it gorgeous?

Candles

We got out some candles and wine glasses for our wedding anniversary earlier this month and the children loved it! They stayed at the table longer and we really had a fun mealtime. We've pulled them out a few more times since. It's a great incentive for the reluctant middle child to come to dinner and actually eat and we all have fun blowing them out afterwards.

Sausage rolls

This is to give the impression that I'm a better cook than I really am. I made an effort and pulled out the festering packet of puff pastry and the pork mince that was nearly going off in the freezer. They turned out pretty well thanks to Donna Hay's recipe. Too bad I don't like pork!

Moving III - being new means giving up your past

Starting as a 'newie' is easier when you join something where everyone else is also new. It might be uni, college, or being in the new cast of a play in a drama group. Everyone else is in the same boat, and it’s like a bit of a fresh start.

But where people already have history together, you have to accept that you are the one who will have to fit in with them. How is this possible? I think through humility, by having a ‘learner’ attitude and to a certain extent, giving up your past and its importance in your life.

Michelle and her husband moved to the city so that he could train in ministry. They moved away from all their friends and family and Michelle particularly felt the loss of her best friends. She tried to keep up with them as much as possible by phone and by making the hour-long trip home whenever she could. She put in a lot of effort to keep their friendships going.

However she began to notice a distance in her relationship with her friend. They would hold a party and not invite Michelle and her husband. They asked other people to be godparents to their new babies. Michelle felt sad and rejected. She put a lot of energy into a long-distance relationship but could see it falling apart despite her best efforts.

Michelle began to spend more time with the people around her to meet her needs for friendship and relationships. Over time she realized that her original friendships would have to be given up to a certain extent, and new friendships embraced if she was going to stay happy and connected to the present life.

Michele discovered that to survive the future, you’ve got to give up your past in many ways, and start living in the present as much as possible.

This is where saying goodbye effectively comes in. If we have not said goodbye, and we are still living in the past, things going to be much harder.

Of course living in the present is not easy. It can make you feel core-less, root-less and like a pretender, while you go through time, building history and internalising it with others. But the bad feelings don't last, especially if you can understand the reasons why you feel that way.

Don’t just suppress your past. Allow your past to be grieved. Enjoy it with some others as often as you can but don’t continue to live there. You need to say goodbye to the old so you have room for the new. If you’re trying to hold on to the old tightly with both hands, you’ll stay there. You can’t grow into the future.

Do all your experiences have to go out the window? Do you ever get to talk about what you’ve experienced? Yes, sometimes, but not all the time.

People here and now resent always being compared to the former situation.
When we go on about our previous experiences, it can give the impression that the person we’re talking to is not important.

I met an American exchange student at University who was really nice, and I wanted to get to know her but she had the habit of talking about “All my really good friends back home in Virginia.” In the end it was irritating. I thought, "well – if you like them so much, go back to them.”

Settling in well depends on you doing your part and the people around you being friendly. Sometimes this works really well. James joined a church at the beginning of the year and by March he seemed like part of the furniture. He had a naturally friendly personality, he went to everything and he was lucky enough to come into a group which welcomed and wanted him.

Sometimes this just will not happen. Kerry and her husband joined a new church and looked for a Bible study group. They were put in a group with other young couples like themselves but everyone in the group had been friends together for at least 10 years. While they were polite, they were not interested in being close. After persisting for several years, Kerry and her husband found a new group.

Sometimes it's impossible to try to penetrate a group of close friends. It's better to give them up and look around for other people who are feeling on the edge like yourself. There is always someone else who is looking for a friend.

Finished

I finally finished a quilt/comforter I started more than two years ago for my daughter! My shoulder is not up to quilting, so I just tied it and used the machine to put the binding on. It's made out of of old table clothes, serviettes and scrappy bits. I love being frugal!

What if someone is clinging to you?

A little bit more from my book on friendship...

Perhaps you are very charismatic person with heaps of charm. You are the popular girl that everyone wants to be friends with. If this is you, you probably have a number of people who hang off you for various reasons.

This puts you in a powerful position. With a word or look, you can ruin somebody's day, week or year. Please be careful. The temptation to be cruel can be overwhelming, especially if there are others standing around who will laugh.

You will need to make decisions about how you relate to people around you. Choosing kindness over cruelty does not mean that you have to be everybody's best friend. You can pull back but in a gentle way.

Perhaps, rather than being charismatic, you are capable. You know just what to do and when to do it and how to do it. You have your life in order and you have plenty of compassion for others who don't. You want to serve and you want to help people. Conveniently there always seem to be a lot of people around to help -- people who seem to need you and who cant get on without you. They cling like limpets to a rock and you feel responsible.

This is probably not a healthy relationship. As much as it feels good to help people, if you live their lives for them, you are doing them a disservice. You have a responsibility to live your own life first. Everyone else also has that responsibility. By taking on others and helping too much you are robbing people of the opportunities to grow up and be adults.

Of course, there are exceptions. But if someone needs so much help that you do nothing else but help them, they really should be seeing a professional or someone who is more equipped to help them solve their problems.

If you are neither charismatic or capable but someone is still clinging tightly to you you may need some help in analyzing the situation. Perhaps you are being used or controlled because you are not strong enough to stand up to the other person. It is worth getting some help or talking to someone about it.

Moving II

Once the goodbyes are over, the hellos can begin.

Making new networks -- public, social, personal and intimate -- is important and can be daunting. If connections come through sharing experiences with people, how do we get those shared experiences?

Anyone who is new will face the challenge of fitting in. There is no magic solution. The answers are only found in time, initiative and humility.

Susanna moved from Africa back to her parents’ city in her home country and felt very overwhelmed.

She wrote: “Very quickly I learned that in order to meet people, make new friends and learn the ropes, I had to initiate the conversation. The other kids were not interested in me, nor did they have a desire to understand the places I had been and the things I had seen. In order to fit in, I felt I had to talk about the things and places with which they were familiar. In essence, I had to be like them.

Sounds like the beginning of a miserable year, right? It actually ended up being not so bad. I got involved in small groups at school. The first week I tried out for the swim team and because I could swim well from my years in Africa, I became captain of the team. I also joined the choir. I spent time in both these groups getting to know kids that I had things in common with. I ate lunch with these people, sat in class and rode the bus with them.”

Susanna had to work hard to make common experiences to share with others. She had to get out there and spend time with people She took the initiative to get herself to groups and take part. And she had to be persistent. The bonds would not have been formed in the first week or even the first month.

It is easier when you join something where everyone else is also new. It might be uni, college, or being in the new cast of a play in a drama group. Everyone else is in the same boat, and it’s like a bit of a fresh start.

But where people already have history together, you have to accept that you are the one who will have to fit in with them. How is this possible? I think through humility, by having a ‘learner’ attitude and to a certain extent, giving up your past and its importance in your life.

Michelle and her husband moved to the city so that he could train in ministry. They moved away from all their friends and family and Michelle particularly felt the loss of her best friends. She tried to keep up with them as much as possible by phone and by making the hour-long trip home whenever she could. She put in a lot of effort to keep their friendships going.

However she began to notice a distance in her relationship with her friend. They would hold a party and not invite Michelle and her husband. They asked other people to be godparents to their new babies. Michelle felt sad and rejected. She put a lot of energy into a long-distance relationship but could see it falling apart despite her best efforts.

Michelle began to spend more time with the people around her to meet her needs for friendship and relationships. Over time she realized that her original friendships would have to be given up to a certain extent, and new friendships embraced if she was going to stay happy and connected to the present life.

Michele discovered that to survive the future, you’ve got to give up your past in many ways, and start living in the present as much as possible.
This is where saying goodbye effectively comes in. If we have not said goodbye, and we are still living in the past, things going to be much harder.

Moving

My younger brother has a moving bug. Up until the edge of 33 he could count a different house for every year of his life. That's 33 beds in 33 years. Shifting back and forth from different towns and cities in different countries will do that for you. He loves it. And he starts to feel weird when he's stable enough to buy a fridge.

I'm the opposite. Moving makes me feel weird. I'm still not used to it, even after doing it in a big way at least 16 times in my life! I get nerves and jitters. I get stressed, angry and jumpy when I meet people for the first time. I come home tired and worn out after only two hours in new company.

My brother feels exhilarated, cosmopolitan and challenged by moving around. He enjoys the differences and the feeling of belonging nowhere but everywhere. I feel disrupted, unrooted and cranky when I move.
Wherever you are on the spectrum between me and my brother, moving takes energy and know-how to do it well.

There are two parts to moving, saying goodbye and saying hello.

Personally I'm terrible at saying goodbye. My usual technique is to get stressed packing up and to put all my energy into the physical details of moving. I pretend I'm not going to miss people and say only quick perfunctory goodbyes. Unfortunately, I get to the new situation and feel terribly depressed for the next six months and then spend a lot of money on counseling!!

A friend of mine* does it much better. Her process takes time and thought and starts at least two weeks before she leaves anywhere!

First of all she thinks about it. What groups did she find a sense of belonging in while in this place? Next she lists the individuals who were close to her or him she would personally like to encourage before she leaves. She then finds ways to tell them how much she appreciated that care and enjoyed their friendship. She sends cards, notes, photos or gifts or just takes them out for coffee.

The next step is to keep a database and get her friends contact details. She also gives friends a chance to give her a farewell message too -- by writing on a T-shirt, a Teddy bear or in a notebook. Then she grabbed the camera and takes pictures of the special people and places she loves.

Saying goodbye can be emotional. She gives hugs and sometimes will cry. Finally she remembers that goodbye is short for "God be with you". She prays and commits her friends lives to God.

Once the goodbyes are over, the hellos can begin.

*Thanks Kat!

Photos

If you're interested in some of our recent holiday snaps, click here.

13 years today!

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this is my baby boy

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growing up!

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can't bottle this smile

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The four spaces

In answer to Sophie's question from my last post, here is a brief explanation of the 'four spaces of relationship' as described by E.T. Hall in the 1960s.


A trap that many people fall into is thinking that only close relationships matter and have value. Their aim is to get more and more close relationships, or take what close relationships they do have to even deeper levels.

But the reality is that there are many ways to be in relationships with others. And all of them have value. Here’s a slightly different framework to help us think about this.

The four spaces of belonging were recently described by Joe Myers in his book 'Search to Belong' as an observation tool to help us think about our relationships.

He says there are four ‘spaces’ of belonging in life – Public, Social, Personal and Intimate.

Public belonging occurs when people connect through an outside influence.
Public belonging might happen if you support a sports team, or if you’re the member of a club or organisation.

Public ‘spaces’ include churches, schools, physical places, jobs, universities, after school groups. Public space relationships are not trivial relationships. To a large extent these define our lives. Our public spaces give us broad brush strokes of identity. They are the things we use when we introduce ourselves. They provide the information other people need to see where we fit in society.

Social space
The people who we know by face or name and who we might greet personally belong in our social space. These could be people we study or work with. We can find social belonging in fellowship groups and family get-togethers, at camps, church or school, or even on the bus! Any place where you make small talk is a social space.

You might call these people ‘acquaintances’ if you’re being old fashioned and polite. You don’t have to like everyone in this space. And to be honest, unless you’re a starry-eyed optimist through and through, you will never like everyone in this space.

But these relationships are still really important. This is the space where ‘neighbour’ relationships come into play. Social space is also a ‘sorting’ space for those people who you want to get to know better and invite into your ‘personal space’. In social space conversations, we tend to present ourselves in the best possible way.

Personal space
‘Friend’ is the word we usually use for people who fit into our personal space. Personal space is where we share much more private (but not super-intimate) experiences, feelings, and thoughts. The people in our personal space know more about us than people in our social space. We are able to be more honest with them, and sometimes show them the sides of ourselves that are not quite so socially presentable. However, we don’t share inappropriately so as to make them (or us) feel uncomfortable.

Intimate space
Intimate space is reserved for the people you are extremely close to, physically and emotionally. In our culture, the physical space of intimacy is from 0 to about 18 inches. If you’re intimate, you get up close in all ways!
Intimate space is where you share your most personal experiences, feelings and thoughts. This is where you become truly vulnerable with another person.

Who fits into this space? It all depends on your circumstances. The most obvious answer is your spouse – if you’re married. Apart from that, intimate space can be filled by parents, children, other relatives, romantic partners or very close friends.

There is often a commitment of some sort involved in intimate space relationships. It might be a spoken commitment, in the case of marriage vows, or an unspoken commitment, in the case of children and parents.

More on friendship

What if someone doesn't want to be friends with you?

A new girl, Jenny, moved into our community and straight away I knew that this was someone I want to be friends with. She was outgoing, fun, interesting and I felt like I had a good connection with her. I invited her over, I did things with her and I tried to be supportive.

However, a few months later a mutual friend of ours said to me, "it's a shame that Jenny says she feels she has no kindred spirits here and feels so lonely she." I was hurt. What about me? I thought Jenny and I were good friends, but she obviously didn't think so.

There are times when the person you want to be friends with just doesn't click with you and isn't interested. It is hurtful, but unfortunately you cannot make someone be friends with you. Friendship happens spontaneously, all of its own accord and there's not much you can do about it.

Clinging to someone in the hopes that they will start to like you is counterproductive. Most people can feel a clinger and they will start to avoid them. If someone is getting too close, the other person will instinctively move away to protect themselves.

My best advice is to have a good cry and move on. There are plenty of people out there to be friends with. Sometimes the most charismatic people don't make the best friends anyway. After I got over Jenny I discovered Emma in the same community. She was quieter but more considerate and turned out to be a much better friend.

While in many cases it's not your fault that someone doesn't like you, if this happens it is worth having a look at yourself and seeing if there's something you need to change in your relating habits or in your expectations of a friendship.

Do you understand the four spaces of relationships appropriately? Do you need to improve your social skills? Do you understand that friends are not possessions to be controlled? Are you looking to ‘hitch your wagon to a star’?

If it's helpful, find someone older and wiser who relates well to people and have a chat.

Unconditional parenting

I really enjoyed this book by Alfie Kohn. It's pretty easy to read and he offers convincing arguments to show that much of what we think is good parenting is actually just techniques for control. Once you're convinced, he then gives real help for changing the way you parent.

One of his big arguments is that our main question should not be "how do I get my child to do what I say?" but "what does my child need -- and how can I meet those needs?"

He says: To focus on children's needs and to work with them to make sure their needs are met, constitutes a commitment to taking children seriously. It means treating them as people whose feelings and desires and questions matter. A child's preferences cannot always be accommodated, but they can always be considered and they need never be dismissed out of hand. It's important to see a child as someone with a unique point of view, with very real fears and concerns and with a distinctive way of reasoning.

He gives 13 principles to help do things differently.

1. Be reflective.
2. Reconsider your requests.
3. Keep your eye on your long-term goals.
4. Put the relationship first.
5. Change how you see, not just how you act.
6. RESPECT
7. Be authentic.
8. Talk less, ask more
9. Keep the ages in mind.
10. Attribute to children the best possible motives consistent with the facts.
11. Don't stick your no's in unnecessarily.
12. Don't be rigid.
13. Don't be in a hurry.

Being honest

Almost worse than gossip for teenage girls is the conversation that begins, "let's be really honest and tell everyone else what we think of them..."

Or "I don't want you to take this the wrong way but..."

Or "no offense, but...

It's so easy to say these things but they will take it the wrong way and there will be offense. I still think my bottom sticks out too much because my friend April told me so in a fit of honesty when I was 14.

I'm sure I have told people things "for their own good" but actually I think I told them because it felt cool to do it at the time. It gave me some power over them and allowed me to insult them while pretending it was honest and therefore righteous.

My mother's wisdom has been proven right again and again as I have taken the three rules she gave me to heart. Before you say anything ask yourself these three questions: is it true? Is it kind? Is it helpful?

Two out of three is not good enough. Make it three out of three and you will keep your friends.

Gaggle of girls

I'm back at my blog. I still can't type, but now I've got some wonderful dictation software which is helping me put words on the screen. There are some interesting errors to correct here and there but for the most part it's a good thing. Now I just have to hope that my voice doesn't give out. In the meantime here's a part of a chapter I've been working on for the book.

If you're in high school, it seems that survival is really only possible if you're in a group. When I started a new high school at the age of 16, the thing I was most concerned about was finding myself a group to be in.

The trouble is that groups of girls in high school are notorious for having difficult dynamics. I think it's unreasonable to expect to get through high school unscathed by your group. If you do, congratulations. But your experience is not the same as many people.

Gossip

In my early teens a group of us at boarding school decided that gossip was unrighteous. We shouldn't gossip about each other. We knew it was wrong. However we did still want to talk about each other, so we invented a new way of having a conversation. We called it "sharing our thoughts" -- or sotting for short.

Of course, it was the same thing. By sharing our thoughts we could rip each other to shreds just as easily as if we had called it gossip.

Gossip is everywhere and incredibly difficult to avoid. How do you know if your group is gossiping about you? If you've heard about others in your group, you can expect to have others talk about you.

Why is gossip so bad? If your friend doesn't know that you were talking about her behind her back how can it hurt her?

Firstly, gossip is not based on love. It's based on public humiliation. Secondly, someone will tell her. Gossip doesn't stay a secret for long. And once she knows, she feels the public humiliation. It's like taking a knife and ripping your friends clothes to shreds and then standing back and saying "no, you look fine."

The least you can do in a gossiping group is to shut your mouth and say nothing. The best you can do is to say something nice about the type of the gossip. Don't repeat gossip. Don't add to it. Don't make it a drama. Correct untruths. And go on the offensive by always having something good to say about everyone.

Two of the most wonderful woman I've ever met are Deb and Eunice. Being with them for an hour leaves me feeling fresh, loved and positive. The reason? They have something positive to say about everyone. Negative words just do not come out of their mouths. The effect on other people is amazing.

Does this mean we can never say anything negative about anyone? Sometimes you just have to get things off your chest. If you must share things you are having trouble with, make sure it is with one and trustworthy person.

And think about why you are saying this. Is it because you are bitter? Are you trying to justify your self? Or are you genuinely looking for a solution and trying to love the other person?

Reading

Most of my recent reflections and thinking (apart from how to get rid of my constant sore shoulder and RSI typing pain) has been about parenting.

Reading a great book from this stack by Alfie Kohn. It's the second from the top - called Unconditional Parenting - about why praise and punishments don't help our children. It's a challenge to me.

I loved the dark blue book I read earlier in the year - Punished by Rewards - it's along the same lines, but more about life and work than specifically dealing with children. The top one looks intriguing too...

yes

I have an official "We're very interested in your book" from a publisher as of last week, and I'm now getting up at 6am every morning to work on it in the quiet.

You can imagine I'm pretty happy. Hopefully things will be done by early next year!

Last day of May

*Breathes a sigh of relief*.

There is definitely something to say for quality over quantity when it comes to blog posts. Thanks Jess for the experience of posting every day in the month of May, but I think I'll go back to posting only when I have something mildly useful to say! (:

In the meantime, here's a chuckle. If your sight is challenged, the caption is 'The computer failed to understand Cecily's reasoning'.

If only...

I was as disciplined in my eating habits as I am at doing this daily blog in May.

Loving children

Here's an overhead I'm presenting at a talk next week entitled 'loving your children more'.

How to change things

STOP what you are doing.

LOOK at what is happening.

THINK—What does your child need?

ASK how you can help.

HELP your child to work it out.

Oh, this is hard

A compulsory post a day is harder than you might think. I'll be glad when May is over.

Working on my talk today. Enjoying my children. Looking after a sickie (hubby) and cleaning up more vomit (baby). Great pilates class. I never knew that when you do the 'swimming' move, you lift your arm from the muscle in the underarm, not the forearm. Looking for 'tummytuck' jeans on ebay. They promise a lot!

Coming up

Next week I've got a tricky assignment.

I've been dobbed in to give a 'talk' to an ESL class. I'm not sure what the topic is exactly, but it's something about handling problems with your children.

I'm going to call it "Loving your children more."

The tricky part is the multi-cultural aspect of the class. There will be people from various parts of the world there. The other tricky bit is pitching my English level correctly. Some people are beginners, others speak reasonably well. But from experience it's always a difficult thing to get language right - neither too easy and patronising, or too difficult and overwhelming.

I might post the overheads on the blog when they're done.

Random

Flight of the Conchords on channel 10, Sunday nights. Brilliant!

Started jogging this morning. I got all the way around the lake. Yeah!

I have one hand's fingernails painted bright pink. Eeeurgh!

angry

I should probably put this on my other blog, but I only feel like typing one entry tonight so here it stays.

I felt really angry today.

I talked to someone I'd never met before and felt I had to explain that my son has ASD due to his odd behaviour.

I probably said it with a grimace, because this woman's immediate reaction was, "Oh, autism - that's such a gift for you! Those children are really talented in some ways!"

I wondered if she had taken any notice of the fact that she'd just seen me struggle through a 45 minute sunday school class with him - just trying to get him to stay in the room!

I felt really mad. I'm sure she meant to be nice and see the positive side, but I don't want to sugar-soap autism and make it all nicey-nicey. Too often people only see the 'genius' autistics who can calculate anything, draw exact replicas of cityscapes, learn 30 different languages in a day and so on. The fact is, these people are not representative of most people on the spectrum.

If your only idea of autism is to have 'supertalents', then you ignore the bad stuff that far outweighs the genius. And you manage to paint it with a nice brush and not think "We seriously need to do something about this problem."

Saying something like that also puts it back onto me to say, "Oh yes, isn't it wonderful that he has ASD" when actually it's the trial of my life and I find it really really really hard and yucky.

So there, I'm angry. Have been all day. How do you forgive someone? Am I angry at her? Or angry at the problem? I'm not sure.

Jeans don't fit

I either need to lose weight.

Or buy new jeans.

Brother

I have two brothers, one older and one younger. They keep moving away from me.... (and giving me personal smelly products for Christmas. Is this a hint?)

The younger one moved to an Asian country late last year, via the USA. He's what you might call peripatetic.

My elder brother moves to Tamworth tomorrow for work. He's pretty happy about it. All the best bro!