My younger brother has a moving bug. Up until the edge of 33 he could count a different house for every year of his life. That's 33 beds in 33 years. Shifting back and forth from different towns and cities in different countries will do that for you. He loves it. And he starts to feel weird when he's stable enough to buy a fridge.
I'm the opposite. Moving makes me feel weird. I'm still not used to it, even after doing it in a big way at least 16 times in my life! I get nerves and jitters. I get stressed, angry and jumpy when I meet people for the first time. I come home tired and worn out after only two hours in new company.
My brother feels exhilarated, cosmopolitan and challenged by moving around. He enjoys the differences and the feeling of belonging nowhere but everywhere. I feel disrupted, unrooted and cranky when I move.
Wherever you are on the spectrum between me and my brother, moving takes energy and know-how to do it well.
There are two parts to moving, saying goodbye and saying hello.
Personally I'm terrible at saying goodbye. My usual technique is to get stressed packing up and to put all my energy into the physical details of moving. I pretend I'm not going to miss people and say only quick perfunctory goodbyes. Unfortunately, I get to the new situation and feel terribly depressed for the next six months and then spend a lot of money on counseling!!
A friend of mine* does it much better. Her process takes time and thought and starts at least two weeks before she leaves anywhere!
First of all she thinks about it. What groups did she find a sense of belonging in while in this place? Next she lists the individuals who were close to her or him she would personally like to encourage before she leaves. She then finds ways to tell them how much she appreciated that care and enjoyed their friendship. She sends cards, notes, photos or gifts or just takes them out for coffee.
The next step is to keep a database and get her friends contact details. She also gives friends a chance to give her a farewell message too -- by writing on a T-shirt, a Teddy bear or in a notebook. Then she grabbed the camera and takes pictures of the special people and places she loves.
Saying goodbye can be emotional. She gives hugs and sometimes will cry. Finally she remembers that goodbye is short for "God be with you". She prays and commits her friends lives to God.
Once the goodbyes are over, the hellos can begin.
*Thanks Kat!
Showing posts with label belonging. Show all posts
Showing posts with label belonging. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Sunday, July 06, 2008
The four spaces
In answer to Sophie's question from my last post, here is a brief explanation of the 'four spaces of relationship' as described by E.T. Hall in the 1960s.
A trap that many people fall into is thinking that only close relationships matter and have value. Their aim is to get more and more close relationships, or take what close relationships they do have to even deeper levels.
But the reality is that there are many ways to be in relationships with others. And all of them have value. Here’s a slightly different framework to help us think about this.
The four spaces of belonging were recently described by Joe Myers in his book 'Search to Belong' as an observation tool to help us think about our relationships.
He says there are four ‘spaces’ of belonging in life – Public, Social, Personal and Intimate.
Public belonging occurs when people connect through an outside influence.
Public belonging might happen if you support a sports team, or if you’re the member of a club or organisation.
Public ‘spaces’ include churches, schools, physical places, jobs, universities, after school groups. Public space relationships are not trivial relationships. To a large extent these define our lives. Our public spaces give us broad brush strokes of identity. They are the things we use when we introduce ourselves. They provide the information other people need to see where we fit in society.
Social space
The people who we know by face or name and who we might greet personally belong in our social space. These could be people we study or work with. We can find social belonging in fellowship groups and family get-togethers, at camps, church or school, or even on the bus! Any place where you make small talk is a social space.
You might call these people ‘acquaintances’ if you’re being old fashioned and polite. You don’t have to like everyone in this space. And to be honest, unless you’re a starry-eyed optimist through and through, you will never like everyone in this space.
But these relationships are still really important. This is the space where ‘neighbour’ relationships come into play. Social space is also a ‘sorting’ space for those people who you want to get to know better and invite into your ‘personal space’. In social space conversations, we tend to present ourselves in the best possible way.
Personal space
‘Friend’ is the word we usually use for people who fit into our personal space. Personal space is where we share much more private (but not super-intimate) experiences, feelings, and thoughts. The people in our personal space know more about us than people in our social space. We are able to be more honest with them, and sometimes show them the sides of ourselves that are not quite so socially presentable. However, we don’t share inappropriately so as to make them (or us) feel uncomfortable.
Intimate space
Intimate space is reserved for the people you are extremely close to, physically and emotionally. In our culture, the physical space of intimacy is from 0 to about 18 inches. If you’re intimate, you get up close in all ways!
Intimate space is where you share your most personal experiences, feelings and thoughts. This is where you become truly vulnerable with another person.
Who fits into this space? It all depends on your circumstances. The most obvious answer is your spouse – if you’re married. Apart from that, intimate space can be filled by parents, children, other relatives, romantic partners or very close friends.
There is often a commitment of some sort involved in intimate space relationships. It might be a spoken commitment, in the case of marriage vows, or an unspoken commitment, in the case of children and parents.
A trap that many people fall into is thinking that only close relationships matter and have value. Their aim is to get more and more close relationships, or take what close relationships they do have to even deeper levels.
But the reality is that there are many ways to be in relationships with others. And all of them have value. Here’s a slightly different framework to help us think about this.
The four spaces of belonging were recently described by Joe Myers in his book 'Search to Belong' as an observation tool to help us think about our relationships.
He says there are four ‘spaces’ of belonging in life – Public, Social, Personal and Intimate.
Public belonging occurs when people connect through an outside influence.
Public belonging might happen if you support a sports team, or if you’re the member of a club or organisation.
Public ‘spaces’ include churches, schools, physical places, jobs, universities, after school groups. Public space relationships are not trivial relationships. To a large extent these define our lives. Our public spaces give us broad brush strokes of identity. They are the things we use when we introduce ourselves. They provide the information other people need to see where we fit in society.
Social space
The people who we know by face or name and who we might greet personally belong in our social space. These could be people we study or work with. We can find social belonging in fellowship groups and family get-togethers, at camps, church or school, or even on the bus! Any place where you make small talk is a social space.
You might call these people ‘acquaintances’ if you’re being old fashioned and polite. You don’t have to like everyone in this space. And to be honest, unless you’re a starry-eyed optimist through and through, you will never like everyone in this space.
But these relationships are still really important. This is the space where ‘neighbour’ relationships come into play. Social space is also a ‘sorting’ space for those people who you want to get to know better and invite into your ‘personal space’. In social space conversations, we tend to present ourselves in the best possible way.
Personal space
‘Friend’ is the word we usually use for people who fit into our personal space. Personal space is where we share much more private (but not super-intimate) experiences, feelings, and thoughts. The people in our personal space know more about us than people in our social space. We are able to be more honest with them, and sometimes show them the sides of ourselves that are not quite so socially presentable. However, we don’t share inappropriately so as to make them (or us) feel uncomfortable.
Intimate space
Intimate space is reserved for the people you are extremely close to, physically and emotionally. In our culture, the physical space of intimacy is from 0 to about 18 inches. If you’re intimate, you get up close in all ways!
Intimate space is where you share your most personal experiences, feelings and thoughts. This is where you become truly vulnerable with another person.
Who fits into this space? It all depends on your circumstances. The most obvious answer is your spouse – if you’re married. Apart from that, intimate space can be filled by parents, children, other relatives, romantic partners or very close friends.
There is often a commitment of some sort involved in intimate space relationships. It might be a spoken commitment, in the case of marriage vows, or an unspoken commitment, in the case of children and parents.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Back on my book
Today's blog is the introduction to chapter 3 of my new book on friendship. I've been working on it tonight and don't have time for anything else fresh!
Relating in the public space
I’m a little bit embarrassed to say that I love reality TV. I especially like what I call the ‘fish out of water’ shows. Whether it’s the mums of two different families swapping houses for a fortnight, or an Aussie family going to spend a month with an African tribe, I like the idea of seeing how people react when they don’t belong.
Comedy films are sometimes based around this basic premise. Think of the oldie ‘Crocodile Dundee’, where Mick Dundee, a bushie from the Northern Territory gets transplanted to New York City. He’s never seen so many people in his life, he can hardly understand the accent and he doesn’t know why people look at him oddly when he says hello to everyone he sees on the street.
Then there’s Legally Blonde which dumps Elle Woods, a pink-loving Californian ditzy blonde and her pet chihuahua Bruiser with matching accessories into the middle of the serious, cynical, academic world of Harvard Law School.
The laughs in these shows come from watching the people who are the ‘fishes out of water’ learn the rules and find their place and some sort of acceptance in their new environment. We cringe as we watch them flounder and we cheer when they finally find their footing.
All of these shows are dealing with the idea of public belonging. In other words, they look at how people relate in the public space. In a previous series on belonging and friendship (check out the links to the right if you're reading this on my blogsite) we saw how public belonging occurs when people connect through an outside influence.
Mick Dundee was connected to his Aussie mates through his love of the bush and his pursuit of crocodiles. He expressed his belonging by the way he looked, the things he said and the cultural rules he followed.
Elle Woods belonged to the Californian sorority scene and clearly didn’t fit into Harvard Law. Just the way she walked down the corridor and tilted her head in class told everyone around her, “I’m new here and I don’t understand the rules.”
Relating in the public space
I’m a little bit embarrassed to say that I love reality TV. I especially like what I call the ‘fish out of water’ shows. Whether it’s the mums of two different families swapping houses for a fortnight, or an Aussie family going to spend a month with an African tribe, I like the idea of seeing how people react when they don’t belong.
Comedy films are sometimes based around this basic premise. Think of the oldie ‘Crocodile Dundee’, where Mick Dundee, a bushie from the Northern Territory gets transplanted to New York City. He’s never seen so many people in his life, he can hardly understand the accent and he doesn’t know why people look at him oddly when he says hello to everyone he sees on the street.
Then there’s Legally Blonde which dumps Elle Woods, a pink-loving Californian ditzy blonde and her pet chihuahua Bruiser with matching accessories into the middle of the serious, cynical, academic world of Harvard Law School.
The laughs in these shows come from watching the people who are the ‘fishes out of water’ learn the rules and find their place and some sort of acceptance in their new environment. We cringe as we watch them flounder and we cheer when they finally find their footing.
All of these shows are dealing with the idea of public belonging. In other words, they look at how people relate in the public space. In a previous series on belonging and friendship (check out the links to the right if you're reading this on my blogsite) we saw how public belonging occurs when people connect through an outside influence.
Mick Dundee was connected to his Aussie mates through his love of the bush and his pursuit of crocodiles. He expressed his belonging by the way he looked, the things he said and the cultural rules he followed.
Elle Woods belonged to the Californian sorority scene and clearly didn’t fit into Harvard Law. Just the way she walked down the corridor and tilted her head in class told everyone around her, “I’m new here and I don’t understand the rules.”
Saturday, August 11, 2007
More belonging
Our church is doing a bit of a thing on 1 Corinthians at the moment. We're up to chapter 12 and the exposition about spiritual gifts and it fell to me on Thursday night to lead the young adults bible study on this topic.
We had questions about what spiritual gifts were, and what it meant to be one body with many parts. Then we came to some practical questions for our week-to-week church life. We were asked to think about how to encourage people in our congregation to use their spiritual gifts for the good of all.
"How can we do this?" I posed the question to the group.
I don't know what answers I was expecting, but I was surprised to notice that all of the conversation after this centred around feeling a sense of belonging to the people in the congregation rather than gifts and how to use them.
Perhaps using our gifts arises more naturally out of being in healthy relationships. Perhaps when we focus on the gift, we are being a little bit strained or forced.
Perhaps we should be concentrating on growing community and relationships and from there encouraging each individual - already loved and valued by the group - to share their strengths and gifts with everyone.
We had questions about what spiritual gifts were, and what it meant to be one body with many parts. Then we came to some practical questions for our week-to-week church life. We were asked to think about how to encourage people in our congregation to use their spiritual gifts for the good of all.
"How can we do this?" I posed the question to the group.
I don't know what answers I was expecting, but I was surprised to notice that all of the conversation after this centred around feeling a sense of belonging to the people in the congregation rather than gifts and how to use them.
Perhaps using our gifts arises more naturally out of being in healthy relationships. Perhaps when we focus on the gift, we are being a little bit strained or forced.
Perhaps we should be concentrating on growing community and relationships and from there encouraging each individual - already loved and valued by the group - to share their strengths and gifts with everyone.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
More on Belonging
I'm still preparing these talks on belonging and friendship for the MK camp. In my research on the internet, I came across this personal story. The person's name is not Christine - I've just named her that for my own purposes.
If you're new, foreign or different, how do you approach the task of settling in, fitting in, belonging, finding friends, finding connections... whatever you want to call it?
Here are the words of "Christine'', several years after she switched countries. She doesn't sound like a happy camper.
‘Having left my friends overseas, I’ve made some new acquaintances, but because time spent with them is very limited, there isn’t the same level of friendship with them that I’ve had with older friends.
To some extent this is true anywhere, since once you begin your career, you simply have less time to spend with your friends because of work schedules, moving, marriage, general busyness, etc.
The biggest difference, however, lies in not having memories or personal history to reminisce with someone about. When the conversation turns to something or someone you’ve never heard of, or never experienced, your interest naturally wanes because you can’t identify with it.
This prevents friendships from growing or deepening, and results in ‘surface relationships’. In this regard, I still feel very disconnected from both people and churches.’
What is the essence of Christine's problem?
Firstly, I don’t think Christine understands the different ways you can belong at all. On this blog I've mentioned the 'four spaces of belonging' several times. They are: public, social, personal and intimate.
I think Christine is pinning all her hopes for belonging on one or two spaces.
She is effectively saying, ‘only the personal and intimate spaces are valuable relationships. The public and social spaces don’t matter. In fact, they are second best because they are only ‘surface relationships’.
Secondly: I don’t think Christine really understands all that is true about the Trinity and relationships. To relate to others the way God intended us to relate, we need to hold three things in balance: togetherness, difference and interdependence.
Christine loves togetherness. But she doesn’t really understand how difference can be a part of togetherness. She’s allowing her difference to be a separation from others, rather than a means of enjoyment. And she is not experiencing any interdependence. She doesn’t need the people she’s got around her. And she’s not allowing them to need her. There’s very little real give and take.
Poor Christine. Many people, especially those who have moved around a lot, know how she feels. But the reality is, we don’t have to feel that way, at least not forever.
If we start now to understand how belonging works, and what we can do to make it happen for us, we won't have to have a personal story like Christine's for too long.
If you're new, foreign or different, how do you approach the task of settling in, fitting in, belonging, finding friends, finding connections... whatever you want to call it?
Here are the words of "Christine'', several years after she switched countries. She doesn't sound like a happy camper.
‘Having left my friends overseas, I’ve made some new acquaintances, but because time spent with them is very limited, there isn’t the same level of friendship with them that I’ve had with older friends.
To some extent this is true anywhere, since once you begin your career, you simply have less time to spend with your friends because of work schedules, moving, marriage, general busyness, etc.
The biggest difference, however, lies in not having memories or personal history to reminisce with someone about. When the conversation turns to something or someone you’ve never heard of, or never experienced, your interest naturally wanes because you can’t identify with it.
This prevents friendships from growing or deepening, and results in ‘surface relationships’. In this regard, I still feel very disconnected from both people and churches.’
What is the essence of Christine's problem?
Firstly, I don’t think Christine understands the different ways you can belong at all. On this blog I've mentioned the 'four spaces of belonging' several times. They are: public, social, personal and intimate.
I think Christine is pinning all her hopes for belonging on one or two spaces.
She is effectively saying, ‘only the personal and intimate spaces are valuable relationships. The public and social spaces don’t matter. In fact, they are second best because they are only ‘surface relationships’.
Secondly: I don’t think Christine really understands all that is true about the Trinity and relationships. To relate to others the way God intended us to relate, we need to hold three things in balance: togetherness, difference and interdependence.
Christine loves togetherness. But she doesn’t really understand how difference can be a part of togetherness. She’s allowing her difference to be a separation from others, rather than a means of enjoyment. And she is not experiencing any interdependence. She doesn’t need the people she’s got around her. And she’s not allowing them to need her. There’s very little real give and take.
Poor Christine. Many people, especially those who have moved around a lot, know how she feels. But the reality is, we don’t have to feel that way, at least not forever.
If we start now to understand how belonging works, and what we can do to make it happen for us, we won't have to have a personal story like Christine's for too long.
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