Triangulation

Triangulation is something we all do frequently, and I don't want to do it any more. To understand it, imagine a triangle with three points, A, B and C.

Person A wants to establish a relationship with person B. The easiest and quickest way to do this is to insult or insinuate person C, whom they both know. A and B find that their immediate link is through their dislike of person C. It doesn't just stop there, though. It's equally easy for B to find a connection with C by dissing A, and so the triangle goes on.

If we think about it, we do this ALL the time. It's so easy to put down others, without even thinking about it. I am trying to make myself aware of when I do it, and find other ways to connect with people.

Target

I once saw an amazing documentary about the World Hair Olympics. Stylists from around the globe met together in one venue to ‘out-do’ each other and win the grand hairdressing prize.

The hairdressers trained for more than a year to do only one hairstyle each. It was planned down to the minutest detail of cut, colour and length. Curls were flicked and sprayed to exact angles. Feathers and flowers were added. The results were like nothing I’ve ever had on my head!

Each stylist practiced on mannequin heads for months leading up to the actual event when they used a real person. The heads were washed, blow dried, coloured and then washed, blow dried and coloured again.

Once the competition was over and the heads had lost their purpose, they were discarded.

Where did they end up?

Not on an urban rubbish heap. These particular mannequin heads were given to the local police department to be used as target practice. Each head was mounted on a spike while police officers fired round after round into them.

It is possible for us to treat people who do not yet know Christ in a similar way to these mannequin heads.

We get to know them and we spend time with them but it’s only until they’ve served their purpose. Then when we’re ready, we target them and fill them, bang bang bang, with the gospel message.

I would hope that no Christian would ever consciously target someone else for evangelism in this way. However, it is an easy trap to fall into. There are many reasons we do it -- and many of them are good reasons.

Sometimes we value the importance and the truth of the Gospel message so much that we forget the value and importance of the people we are sharing it with. A feeling of urgency can make the end result seem more important than the process.

Targeting people is foul. Being friends with people in order to ‘get them along’ or invite them to a Bible study is basically using them for a quota system.

People know when they are being used. People know when they are being manipulated into ‘buying’ something, whether that’s a mobile phone, an overseas holiday, or a religious belief.

We should be friends with people because they are people – because they are God’s creations, loved by God. And our lives should be so imbued with the love of God that sharing Jesus will come out in natural, gentle ways.

People will see our lives and hear our speech and know that God has made that difference because we are open. When we are lovingly curious about their lives and want to share them, they may pay us the compliment of being curious about our lives and the God that we serve.

Starting at a new group

Some more from my newly finished book...
I’ve come in new to enough groups of people that I know what usually happens. I also know how bad I usually feel, and have worked out a way to get over it. What is normal, and how will you feel when you walk into a new group? This is the rough mental plan that I rely on.

First 5 minutes
Probably will happen...
Not many people will talk to you although they might eye you curiously. This doesn’t necessarily mean they hate you. It just means they feel shy too. You’ll feel uncomfortable, out of place and a little lost. You might get an overwhelming desire to turn around, leave and never come back.
Keep going! These are completely normal feelings. Act confident, breathe deeply and you’ll come through it.

Probably won't happen...
As you enter, you probably won’t see people with outstretched arms pointing at you and laughing (unless you arrive in a bunny suit). You probably won’t have things thrown at you. You probably won’t be attacked verbally or physically. If this does happen, take off the bunny suit. But either way, you should probably turn around and walk out! Who needs the abuse?

First 10 minutes
Probably will happen...
If you’ve found your contact person, you’ll probably be introduced to a couple of people. You’ll have some slightly awkward and stilted chat. You might not know where to go to get to the facilities. You’ll still feel weird and embarrassed. Keep going! This is normal. It will get easier. Remember, you’re not the only one who’s talking to someone new. The others are just as shy as you. If you need to, ask your way to the bathroom, put on some lip gloss for confidence, pray and regroup with some deep breathing in a stall!

Probably won't happen...
It would be unusual for absolutely no-one to have spoken to you at all by this stage. If looks of pure hatred and disgust are still being shot your way, you might want to consider a few things: First, check your body language and appearance. Are you suitably dressed? Does your body language say ‘I don’t want to be here?’ Do you look confident? Ask yourself if you’re just paranoid. Find someone you know and ask them to introduce you around.
If none of this works, or someone spits in your face, perhaps you have stumbled into a group of neo-Nazis about to elect their new leader, and you probably should get out while the going is good.

First half hour
Probably will happen...
By this stage, hopefully you will have participated in the group in some small way. You should be feeling more comfortable in the room. You may have had some conversations with a few people. You’ll still feel like you’re doing a lot of work and expending a lot of effort for not much return, but rest assured, this is still normal. Keep going. Make it a challenge to yourself to last another half hour!

Probably won't happen...
If anyone is going to throw fried eggs at you or set an explosion, it would probably be at this point. If you collect a fried egg around the head, you are absolutely within your rights to leave. And fast.

At the end
Go home, write down everyone’s names that you remember for reference for next time. Put the next meeting in your diary. Take a nice hot shower, treat yourself (my choice is chocolate) and feel pleased that the worst is over! You’ve done really well! If you come home bruised and battered physically or emotionally, hop in the bath and have a long soak. Nurse your wounds and remember – you’re not a failure just because you encountered an unfriendly group of people!

Nine year olds

I try not to post too much about my children on this blog, but I've really been enjoying watching my nine year old interact with her friends over the past few weeks.

They began filming a 'movie' one afternoon, acting out the roles from 'Enchanted' and finding props for sets around the house. It was such fun for them that they decided they wanted to finish it and have spent about the last four Wednesday afternoons at our place doing scenes and having me film them with the video camera.

We're about two thirds of the way through now. My daughter and I have been editing it and learning a lot about the video editor as we go!

I love listening to them organise themselves, practice and then do the filming. I've also heard them start to discuss the characters and their ethics, find holes in the plot and work out where the script falls down. It's been better than sending them to a discussion group at film school!

They've improved in all areas in the weeks they've been doing it, and when they finish they'll have a gorgeous little film to watch together, together with a blooper reel.

And just for fun: here' s a quote from another nine year old. I heard her discussing another little girl with my daughter.

"Yes, I think she's about my 38th best friend."

One more week

Yep, I think I've got about a week's worth of work left to do on my book! How cool.

Now hopefully the publishers will like what they see!

Friendships in the Bible III: Onesimus and Philemon

Of all the stories of friendship in the Bible, I love Onesimus and Philemon most. Philemon is such a tiny little book in the New Testament but its meanings and implications are profound and drastic.

Philemon is a book that must shake us to our core if and change our relationships and social life if we take it seriously.

It centers, appropriately enough, around Philemon, a wealthy man of good social standing, who becomes a Christian possibly through Paul’s ministry, and his rebellious, runaway slave, Onesimus.

In those days, masters owned slaves. It was not an equal relationship by any means. In ordinary circumstances, Philemon and Onesimus were certainly not relating to each other as people, peers or equals. They would not have been friends.

Onesimus stole money from Philemon and ran away. We’re not told more than that except that in some extraordinary way, he ended up with Paul in Rome and became a Christian. He could have stayed there and begun a new life, but Paul was keen to see Philemon and Onesimus reconciled -- and in a bigger way than just a master and slave.

Paul writes his short letter to Philemon and asks them to accept Onesimus back – as a brother. Not as a slave, but as a child of God like himself, in fact a friend.

Philemon is being called on to give up all the social expectations of his day. Accepting Onesimus back as a slave would be a scandal, even with a suitable punishment. But to welcome him into his house as an equal and friend and valued human being would really turn things upside down! Philemon would probably find himself on the outside amongst his peers.

This is Christianity that really makes waves. To go against social norms, class and race lines or socioeconomic status and make friends with people who are considered ‘lesser’ is a very courageous thing to do.

Philemon is being asked to do it and to demonstrate the character of God in a beautifully scandalous way – a very costly way to himself.

This is what God saving love brings us to do – to break down the man-made barriers of hatred of difference that we create and maintain at the cost of people’s lives. Social scandals are as real today as they were in Philemon’s time. But Christian friendship goes across money, status, and social acceptance. Christian friendship is radical and beautifully scandalous.

Friendships in the Bible I

For years I thought that God was inefficient. It just didn’t seem to make sense that the Bible is so big and so full of complicated stories. Surely if God really wanted us to know what he was like and how to live, he could have done it in less space and with the use of a few well-placed bullet points.

Thankfully, as I have gotten older, I have come to appreciate efficiency less and relationships more. Now that I understand that God operates in relational ways, it makes sense that his story is told with in the rough-and-tumble of relationships in history.

The Bible is full of friendships – between God and people and between people themselves. We can learn a lot about ourselves and our own relationships by looking at theirs.

The beginning of the book of Ruth tells the story of a woman who had lost everything.

Naomi and her family had left Israel because of famine and had tried to make a life in Moab. But things did not run smoothly. First and probably disappointingly, her two boys grew up and married women who were not Israelites. Next and tragically, Naomi’s husband died. The final horror came with the death of both her sons; the sting in the tail was that both of them had failed to have any children.

Naomi was left with no means of support and no hopes for a family to continue into the future. She had nothing in the present and nothing to look forward to. She returned to Israel low, bitter and more than likely depressed.

But for all her losses, she did have something and that something was a friend. Naomi’s daughter-in-law Ruth came back to Israel with her.
I’ve sometimes wondered if Ruth stuck with Naomi only out of loyalty to the in-law relationship they both had. I wondered if she felt she was doing a duty by the older woman. I think this may have been the case at the beginning, when both daughters-in-law began to start home with Naomi. However, Naomi released them of whatever duty they had when she tried to send them home.

“I can’t give you anything,” she said. “Go back to your homes and families.”

Having been freed of her responsibility, Ruth was then free to choose to go with Naomi. She stuck with her mother-in-law by choice. And a beautiful friendship grew from that free choice.

Ruth was very good for her older friend. Her presence meant that Naomi was not alone in the shame of returning home in failure and tragedy. Ruth was the one who went out to work and provided for them both. Their lives were tied up together.

Ruth was different from Naomi – in language, age, culture and understanding. She was probably not the ideal friend that Naomi would have envisaged for herself if she had thought about it. Naomi would probably have chosen someone who was of the same background, or who spoke the same language fluently. She probably would have wanted someone closer in age to herself, or who had experienced famine and the same things she had gone through. Yet Ruth loved both God and Naomi and she had chosen to be there. That was enough for the relationship to go ahead on.

As Ruth looked after Naomi and supported her, Naomi started to feel a little better. Better enough anyway, to start to have Ruth’s own interests at heart. You know you’re really depressed when all you can think about are your own problems. You know you’re starting to come out of it when you can take a real interest in other people’s issues.

Naomi saw that Ruth who had been so good to her really could do with a bit of a life. She saw an opportunity to provide for her and she took steps and solved one of their biggest problems by getting Boaz to marry Ruth.

It’s almost as if Naomi went from saying “I’m completely empty and God is completely against me” to being able to recognize the things God had given her in Ruth and the opportunities God was providing in Boaz.

By the end of the story, Naomi was no longer empty, bitter and tragic. She was a different woman, and it was because of what God gave her in her friend Ruth.

God gives us people who are good for us, even if they aren’t the people we would choose. He often shows his love for us and his blessings through the love of other people, and he can turn around tragic situations through the friendship and support of our friends.

Moving III - being new means giving up your past

Starting as a 'newie' is easier when you join something where everyone else is also new. It might be uni, college, or being in the new cast of a play in a drama group. Everyone else is in the same boat, and it’s like a bit of a fresh start.

But where people already have history together, you have to accept that you are the one who will have to fit in with them. How is this possible? I think through humility, by having a ‘learner’ attitude and to a certain extent, giving up your past and its importance in your life.

Michelle and her husband moved to the city so that he could train in ministry. They moved away from all their friends and family and Michelle particularly felt the loss of her best friends. She tried to keep up with them as much as possible by phone and by making the hour-long trip home whenever she could. She put in a lot of effort to keep their friendships going.

However she began to notice a distance in her relationship with her friend. They would hold a party and not invite Michelle and her husband. They asked other people to be godparents to their new babies. Michelle felt sad and rejected. She put a lot of energy into a long-distance relationship but could see it falling apart despite her best efforts.

Michelle began to spend more time with the people around her to meet her needs for friendship and relationships. Over time she realized that her original friendships would have to be given up to a certain extent, and new friendships embraced if she was going to stay happy and connected to the present life.

Michele discovered that to survive the future, you’ve got to give up your past in many ways, and start living in the present as much as possible.

This is where saying goodbye effectively comes in. If we have not said goodbye, and we are still living in the past, things going to be much harder.

Of course living in the present is not easy. It can make you feel core-less, root-less and like a pretender, while you go through time, building history and internalising it with others. But the bad feelings don't last, especially if you can understand the reasons why you feel that way.

Don’t just suppress your past. Allow your past to be grieved. Enjoy it with some others as often as you can but don’t continue to live there. You need to say goodbye to the old so you have room for the new. If you’re trying to hold on to the old tightly with both hands, you’ll stay there. You can’t grow into the future.

Do all your experiences have to go out the window? Do you ever get to talk about what you’ve experienced? Yes, sometimes, but not all the time.

People here and now resent always being compared to the former situation.
When we go on about our previous experiences, it can give the impression that the person we’re talking to is not important.

I met an American exchange student at University who was really nice, and I wanted to get to know her but she had the habit of talking about “All my really good friends back home in Virginia.” In the end it was irritating. I thought, "well – if you like them so much, go back to them.”

Settling in well depends on you doing your part and the people around you being friendly. Sometimes this works really well. James joined a church at the beginning of the year and by March he seemed like part of the furniture. He had a naturally friendly personality, he went to everything and he was lucky enough to come into a group which welcomed and wanted him.

Sometimes this just will not happen. Kerry and her husband joined a new church and looked for a Bible study group. They were put in a group with other young couples like themselves but everyone in the group had been friends together for at least 10 years. While they were polite, they were not interested in being close. After persisting for several years, Kerry and her husband found a new group.

Sometimes it's impossible to try to penetrate a group of close friends. It's better to give them up and look around for other people who are feeling on the edge like yourself. There is always someone else who is looking for a friend.

What if someone is clinging to you?

A little bit more from my book on friendship...

Perhaps you are very charismatic person with heaps of charm. You are the popular girl that everyone wants to be friends with. If this is you, you probably have a number of people who hang off you for various reasons.

This puts you in a powerful position. With a word or look, you can ruin somebody's day, week or year. Please be careful. The temptation to be cruel can be overwhelming, especially if there are others standing around who will laugh.

You will need to make decisions about how you relate to people around you. Choosing kindness over cruelty does not mean that you have to be everybody's best friend. You can pull back but in a gentle way.

Perhaps, rather than being charismatic, you are capable. You know just what to do and when to do it and how to do it. You have your life in order and you have plenty of compassion for others who don't. You want to serve and you want to help people. Conveniently there always seem to be a lot of people around to help -- people who seem to need you and who cant get on without you. They cling like limpets to a rock and you feel responsible.

This is probably not a healthy relationship. As much as it feels good to help people, if you live their lives for them, you are doing them a disservice. You have a responsibility to live your own life first. Everyone else also has that responsibility. By taking on others and helping too much you are robbing people of the opportunities to grow up and be adults.

Of course, there are exceptions. But if someone needs so much help that you do nothing else but help them, they really should be seeing a professional or someone who is more equipped to help them solve their problems.

If you are neither charismatic or capable but someone is still clinging tightly to you you may need some help in analyzing the situation. Perhaps you are being used or controlled because you are not strong enough to stand up to the other person. It is worth getting some help or talking to someone about it.

Moving II

Once the goodbyes are over, the hellos can begin.

Making new networks -- public, social, personal and intimate -- is important and can be daunting. If connections come through sharing experiences with people, how do we get those shared experiences?

Anyone who is new will face the challenge of fitting in. There is no magic solution. The answers are only found in time, initiative and humility.

Susanna moved from Africa back to her parents’ city in her home country and felt very overwhelmed.

She wrote: “Very quickly I learned that in order to meet people, make new friends and learn the ropes, I had to initiate the conversation. The other kids were not interested in me, nor did they have a desire to understand the places I had been and the things I had seen. In order to fit in, I felt I had to talk about the things and places with which they were familiar. In essence, I had to be like them.

Sounds like the beginning of a miserable year, right? It actually ended up being not so bad. I got involved in small groups at school. The first week I tried out for the swim team and because I could swim well from my years in Africa, I became captain of the team. I also joined the choir. I spent time in both these groups getting to know kids that I had things in common with. I ate lunch with these people, sat in class and rode the bus with them.”

Susanna had to work hard to make common experiences to share with others. She had to get out there and spend time with people She took the initiative to get herself to groups and take part. And she had to be persistent. The bonds would not have been formed in the first week or even the first month.

It is easier when you join something where everyone else is also new. It might be uni, college, or being in the new cast of a play in a drama group. Everyone else is in the same boat, and it’s like a bit of a fresh start.

But where people already have history together, you have to accept that you are the one who will have to fit in with them. How is this possible? I think through humility, by having a ‘learner’ attitude and to a certain extent, giving up your past and its importance in your life.

Michelle and her husband moved to the city so that he could train in ministry. They moved away from all their friends and family and Michelle particularly felt the loss of her best friends. She tried to keep up with them as much as possible by phone and by making the hour-long trip home whenever she could. She put in a lot of effort to keep their friendships going.

However she began to notice a distance in her relationship with her friend. They would hold a party and not invite Michelle and her husband. They asked other people to be godparents to their new babies. Michelle felt sad and rejected. She put a lot of energy into a long-distance relationship but could see it falling apart despite her best efforts.

Michelle began to spend more time with the people around her to meet her needs for friendship and relationships. Over time she realized that her original friendships would have to be given up to a certain extent, and new friendships embraced if she was going to stay happy and connected to the present life.

Michele discovered that to survive the future, you’ve got to give up your past in many ways, and start living in the present as much as possible.
This is where saying goodbye effectively comes in. If we have not said goodbye, and we are still living in the past, things going to be much harder.

Moving

My younger brother has a moving bug. Up until the edge of 33 he could count a different house for every year of his life. That's 33 beds in 33 years. Shifting back and forth from different towns and cities in different countries will do that for you. He loves it. And he starts to feel weird when he's stable enough to buy a fridge.

I'm the opposite. Moving makes me feel weird. I'm still not used to it, even after doing it in a big way at least 16 times in my life! I get nerves and jitters. I get stressed, angry and jumpy when I meet people for the first time. I come home tired and worn out after only two hours in new company.

My brother feels exhilarated, cosmopolitan and challenged by moving around. He enjoys the differences and the feeling of belonging nowhere but everywhere. I feel disrupted, unrooted and cranky when I move.
Wherever you are on the spectrum between me and my brother, moving takes energy and know-how to do it well.

There are two parts to moving, saying goodbye and saying hello.

Personally I'm terrible at saying goodbye. My usual technique is to get stressed packing up and to put all my energy into the physical details of moving. I pretend I'm not going to miss people and say only quick perfunctory goodbyes. Unfortunately, I get to the new situation and feel terribly depressed for the next six months and then spend a lot of money on counseling!!

A friend of mine* does it much better. Her process takes time and thought and starts at least two weeks before she leaves anywhere!

First of all she thinks about it. What groups did she find a sense of belonging in while in this place? Next she lists the individuals who were close to her or him she would personally like to encourage before she leaves. She then finds ways to tell them how much she appreciated that care and enjoyed their friendship. She sends cards, notes, photos or gifts or just takes them out for coffee.

The next step is to keep a database and get her friends contact details. She also gives friends a chance to give her a farewell message too -- by writing on a T-shirt, a Teddy bear or in a notebook. Then she grabbed the camera and takes pictures of the special people and places she loves.

Saying goodbye can be emotional. She gives hugs and sometimes will cry. Finally she remembers that goodbye is short for "God be with you". She prays and commits her friends lives to God.

Once the goodbyes are over, the hellos can begin.

*Thanks Kat!

The four spaces

In answer to Sophie's question from my last post, here is a brief explanation of the 'four spaces of relationship' as described by E.T. Hall in the 1960s.


A trap that many people fall into is thinking that only close relationships matter and have value. Their aim is to get more and more close relationships, or take what close relationships they do have to even deeper levels.

But the reality is that there are many ways to be in relationships with others. And all of them have value. Here’s a slightly different framework to help us think about this.

The four spaces of belonging were recently described by Joe Myers in his book 'Search to Belong' as an observation tool to help us think about our relationships.

He says there are four ‘spaces’ of belonging in life – Public, Social, Personal and Intimate.

Public belonging occurs when people connect through an outside influence.
Public belonging might happen if you support a sports team, or if you’re the member of a club or organisation.

Public ‘spaces’ include churches, schools, physical places, jobs, universities, after school groups. Public space relationships are not trivial relationships. To a large extent these define our lives. Our public spaces give us broad brush strokes of identity. They are the things we use when we introduce ourselves. They provide the information other people need to see where we fit in society.

Social space
The people who we know by face or name and who we might greet personally belong in our social space. These could be people we study or work with. We can find social belonging in fellowship groups and family get-togethers, at camps, church or school, or even on the bus! Any place where you make small talk is a social space.

You might call these people ‘acquaintances’ if you’re being old fashioned and polite. You don’t have to like everyone in this space. And to be honest, unless you’re a starry-eyed optimist through and through, you will never like everyone in this space.

But these relationships are still really important. This is the space where ‘neighbour’ relationships come into play. Social space is also a ‘sorting’ space for those people who you want to get to know better and invite into your ‘personal space’. In social space conversations, we tend to present ourselves in the best possible way.

Personal space
‘Friend’ is the word we usually use for people who fit into our personal space. Personal space is where we share much more private (but not super-intimate) experiences, feelings, and thoughts. The people in our personal space know more about us than people in our social space. We are able to be more honest with them, and sometimes show them the sides of ourselves that are not quite so socially presentable. However, we don’t share inappropriately so as to make them (or us) feel uncomfortable.

Intimate space
Intimate space is reserved for the people you are extremely close to, physically and emotionally. In our culture, the physical space of intimacy is from 0 to about 18 inches. If you’re intimate, you get up close in all ways!
Intimate space is where you share your most personal experiences, feelings and thoughts. This is where you become truly vulnerable with another person.

Who fits into this space? It all depends on your circumstances. The most obvious answer is your spouse – if you’re married. Apart from that, intimate space can be filled by parents, children, other relatives, romantic partners or very close friends.

There is often a commitment of some sort involved in intimate space relationships. It might be a spoken commitment, in the case of marriage vows, or an unspoken commitment, in the case of children and parents.

More on friendship

What if someone doesn't want to be friends with you?

A new girl, Jenny, moved into our community and straight away I knew that this was someone I want to be friends with. She was outgoing, fun, interesting and I felt like I had a good connection with her. I invited her over, I did things with her and I tried to be supportive.

However, a few months later a mutual friend of ours said to me, "it's a shame that Jenny says she feels she has no kindred spirits here and feels so lonely she." I was hurt. What about me? I thought Jenny and I were good friends, but she obviously didn't think so.

There are times when the person you want to be friends with just doesn't click with you and isn't interested. It is hurtful, but unfortunately you cannot make someone be friends with you. Friendship happens spontaneously, all of its own accord and there's not much you can do about it.

Clinging to someone in the hopes that they will start to like you is counterproductive. Most people can feel a clinger and they will start to avoid them. If someone is getting too close, the other person will instinctively move away to protect themselves.

My best advice is to have a good cry and move on. There are plenty of people out there to be friends with. Sometimes the most charismatic people don't make the best friends anyway. After I got over Jenny I discovered Emma in the same community. She was quieter but more considerate and turned out to be a much better friend.

While in many cases it's not your fault that someone doesn't like you, if this happens it is worth having a look at yourself and seeing if there's something you need to change in your relating habits or in your expectations of a friendship.

Do you understand the four spaces of relationships appropriately? Do you need to improve your social skills? Do you understand that friends are not possessions to be controlled? Are you looking to ‘hitch your wagon to a star’?

If it's helpful, find someone older and wiser who relates well to people and have a chat.

Being honest

Almost worse than gossip for teenage girls is the conversation that begins, "let's be really honest and tell everyone else what we think of them..."

Or "I don't want you to take this the wrong way but..."

Or "no offense, but...

It's so easy to say these things but they will take it the wrong way and there will be offense. I still think my bottom sticks out too much because my friend April told me so in a fit of honesty when I was 14.

I'm sure I have told people things "for their own good" but actually I think I told them because it felt cool to do it at the time. It gave me some power over them and allowed me to insult them while pretending it was honest and therefore righteous.

My mother's wisdom has been proven right again and again as I have taken the three rules she gave me to heart. Before you say anything ask yourself these three questions: is it true? Is it kind? Is it helpful?

Two out of three is not good enough. Make it three out of three and you will keep your friends.

Gaggle of girls

I'm back at my blog. I still can't type, but now I've got some wonderful dictation software which is helping me put words on the screen. There are some interesting errors to correct here and there but for the most part it's a good thing. Now I just have to hope that my voice doesn't give out. In the meantime here's a part of a chapter I've been working on for the book.

If you're in high school, it seems that survival is really only possible if you're in a group. When I started a new high school at the age of 16, the thing I was most concerned about was finding myself a group to be in.

The trouble is that groups of girls in high school are notorious for having difficult dynamics. I think it's unreasonable to expect to get through high school unscathed by your group. If you do, congratulations. But your experience is not the same as many people.

Gossip

In my early teens a group of us at boarding school decided that gossip was unrighteous. We shouldn't gossip about each other. We knew it was wrong. However we did still want to talk about each other, so we invented a new way of having a conversation. We called it "sharing our thoughts" -- or sotting for short.

Of course, it was the same thing. By sharing our thoughts we could rip each other to shreds just as easily as if we had called it gossip.

Gossip is everywhere and incredibly difficult to avoid. How do you know if your group is gossiping about you? If you've heard about others in your group, you can expect to have others talk about you.

Why is gossip so bad? If your friend doesn't know that you were talking about her behind her back how can it hurt her?

Firstly, gossip is not based on love. It's based on public humiliation. Secondly, someone will tell her. Gossip doesn't stay a secret for long. And once she knows, she feels the public humiliation. It's like taking a knife and ripping your friends clothes to shreds and then standing back and saying "no, you look fine."

The least you can do in a gossiping group is to shut your mouth and say nothing. The best you can do is to say something nice about the type of the gossip. Don't repeat gossip. Don't add to it. Don't make it a drama. Correct untruths. And go on the offensive by always having something good to say about everyone.

Two of the most wonderful woman I've ever met are Deb and Eunice. Being with them for an hour leaves me feeling fresh, loved and positive. The reason? They have something positive to say about everyone. Negative words just do not come out of their mouths. The effect on other people is amazing.

Does this mean we can never say anything negative about anyone? Sometimes you just have to get things off your chest. If you must share things you are having trouble with, make sure it is with one and trustworthy person.

And think about why you are saying this. Is it because you are bitter? Are you trying to justify your self? Or are you genuinely looking for a solution and trying to love the other person?

Two cool

Two cool things happened today.

1. With great trepidation I rang a publisher about the friendship book manuscript. I was worried that I'd sound like a crazy woman because sometimes I stumble and forget my words when I speak on the phone. However, I sounded relatively coherent, and the editor was warm, encouraging and best of all, interested! I'm sending her a synopsis and a sample chapter. Here's hoping!

2. I visited the local homeschooling get-together and it was great. Loads of children everywhere playing together beautifully and creatively. (The parents were also pretty nice.) There were teenagers learning to make baklava and in their turn teaching younger ones. There was a gorgeous group of eight year old girls who came straight up to my daughter, smiled and offered to play with her. I don't think I've seen such friendly and mature children since my days amongst Missionary Kids in Pakistan. It added fuel to the fire and I have filled out an application to homeschool my daughter. Not posted yet though...

Help

What am I going to call my book? I've never been very good at catchy titles. As I'm getting through the chapter drafts I need to give the thing a working title so I can start trying to sell it.

It's about: understanding how relationships work, being better at relationships, how to make friends, how to feel like you 'belong' more, how to do a better job of moving around, or of welcoming others in, the pitfalls and the practicalities of relating to people.

The book is pitched to 16-30 year olds, so it needs to resonate somehow.

Any suggestions?

Why I'm in favour of dating

Dating these days seems to mean 'sleeping together'.

Chrisitans object to this, with good reason, and many Christians have therefore thrown out dating altogether. In some extreme cases, young people will wait to have a relationship ‘arranged’ by trusted mentors.

I will take a little detour to explain the reason why I am actually in favour of dating (with some obvious limitations).

Marriage is unique amongst human relationships as being in general the only relationship which spans all four spaces - the public, social, personal and intimate spaces. (For more information on the four spaces, check the links on friendship on the side of this blog.)

In a good marriage, a man and a woman need to relate well in the public space together. It helps if they have similar backgrounds and similar life experiences.

In a good marriage, a man and a woman need to relate well in the social space. It helps if they enjoy going to the same places, and have the same expectations of social interactions. It even helps if they understand each other’s relating style.

In a good marriage, a man and a woman need to relate well in the personal space. It helps if they have the same friends, or at least like each other’s friends.

In a good marriage, a man and a woman need to relate well in the intimate space. It helps if they enjoy their sex life and appreciate each other’s bodies. It helps if they can be truly honest without getting mean or defensive. It helps if they understand how to express their love so that the other person feels loved as well.

If marriage is a relationship that spans all four spaces, surely a reasonable knowledge in each space, of the person you are considering marrying is helpful!

I think it's good for a couple to learn about each other in as many ways as possible before they marry, so I am in favour of couples going out together.

Playing catch up

I went to morning tea with a group of friends from an old church recently. The purpose of their gathering was to see me (which was nice) and I was really looking forward to it.

However, I discovered that if you really want to catch up with people, you should do it in smaller groups! There were seven of us in the room and I hardly got to ask them anything about their lives now. I was able to see how all their children had grown and exchange information about where we all were living now. For their part, they asked cursory questions of me, but that was about it.

It was nice, but a little disappointing.

Friendship and small talk

I had a fun enough day that I felt energised enough to do some more work on my book about friendship.

Do you avoid making and maintaining social relationships through small talk? If so, why?

Is it because you are shy, angry or tired?
You might be an introvert who finds that talking to people takes a lot of energy. I’m introverted and I need my space, but my eight year old daughter is a complete extrovert. We differ in the amount of time we can spend with others, but we both need – and want - relationships. We just do it slightly differently.

When I’m angry, I often don’t feel like making the effort. Sometimes, however, that’s when I need others the most, to bring me some perspective, or some solace. There’s nothing as good at changing an angry mood as spending time with positive people.

Tiredness is another matter. That’s when I find it best to get into bed and get a decent night’s sleep. I’m far more able to cope with others after my eight hours.

Do you not really like people?
Do you fear others? Did you grow up in a family that kept others out or complained about people all the time? Have you been badly hurt by someone? It’s well worth exploring any issues there may be in your life, either by yourself or with a trusted friend or counsellor.

Are you too busy?
I’m an organised type of person who tends to be ‘task-oriented’. I focus on the job I’m doing, often to the exclusion of the people around me. I’ll leave a conversation so I can finish what I’m focusing on right then. Because I’m good at doing things, I also usually have about five things to do at once.

I often think, “Once I get everything done, I’ll sit down and talk.” The trouble is, everything is never done. And when it is, I find other things to do. Doing things makes me feel important and in control. Talking to people means giving up some of my importance and control, so it’s threatening.

Task-oriented people like me need to find a way to keep people as priority number one.

Do you avoid small talk because you simply lack the skills?
Some people did not grow up in families where these things were known or taught. As adults they avoid these kinds of interactions because they just don’t know how to do it.

If you’re no good at small talk, start listening to people who are good at it. You might pick up some tips.