Some more from my newly finished book...
I’ve come in new to enough groups of people that I know what usually happens. I also know how bad I usually feel, and have worked out a way to get over it. What is normal, and how will you feel when you walk into a new group? This is the rough mental plan that I rely on.
First 5 minutes
Probably will happen...
Not many people will talk to you although they might eye you curiously. This doesn’t necessarily mean they hate you. It just means they feel shy too. You’ll feel uncomfortable, out of place and a little lost. You might get an overwhelming desire to turn around, leave and never come back.
Keep going! These are completely normal feelings. Act confident, breathe deeply and you’ll come through it.
Probably won't happen...
As you enter, you probably won’t see people with outstretched arms pointing at you and laughing (unless you arrive in a bunny suit). You probably won’t have things thrown at you. You probably won’t be attacked verbally or physically. If this does happen, take off the bunny suit. But either way, you should probably turn around and walk out! Who needs the abuse?
First 10 minutes
Probably will happen...
If you’ve found your contact person, you’ll probably be introduced to a couple of people. You’ll have some slightly awkward and stilted chat. You might not know where to go to get to the facilities. You’ll still feel weird and embarrassed. Keep going! This is normal. It will get easier. Remember, you’re not the only one who’s talking to someone new. The others are just as shy as you. If you need to, ask your way to the bathroom, put on some lip gloss for confidence, pray and regroup with some deep breathing in a stall!
Probably won't happen...
It would be unusual for absolutely no-one to have spoken to you at all by this stage. If looks of pure hatred and disgust are still being shot your way, you might want to consider a few things: First, check your body language and appearance. Are you suitably dressed? Does your body language say ‘I don’t want to be here?’ Do you look confident? Ask yourself if you’re just paranoid. Find someone you know and ask them to introduce you around.
If none of this works, or someone spits in your face, perhaps you have stumbled into a group of neo-Nazis about to elect their new leader, and you probably should get out while the going is good.
First half hour
Probably will happen...
By this stage, hopefully you will have participated in the group in some small way. You should be feeling more comfortable in the room. You may have had some conversations with a few people. You’ll still feel like you’re doing a lot of work and expending a lot of effort for not much return, but rest assured, this is still normal. Keep going. Make it a challenge to yourself to last another half hour!
Probably won't happen...
If anyone is going to throw fried eggs at you or set an explosion, it would probably be at this point. If you collect a fried egg around the head, you are absolutely within your rights to leave. And fast.
At the end
Go home, write down everyone’s names that you remember for reference for next time. Put the next meeting in your diary. Take a nice hot shower, treat yourself (my choice is chocolate) and feel pleased that the worst is over! You’ve done really well! If you come home bruised and battered physically or emotionally, hop in the bath and have a long soak. Nurse your wounds and remember – you’re not a failure just because you encountered an unfriendly group of people!
Showing posts with label making friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label making friends. Show all posts
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Moving III - being new means giving up your past
Starting as a 'newie' is easier when you join something where everyone else is also new. It might be uni, college, or being in the new cast of a play in a drama group. Everyone else is in the same boat, and it’s like a bit of a fresh start.
But where people already have history together, you have to accept that you are the one who will have to fit in with them. How is this possible? I think through humility, by having a ‘learner’ attitude and to a certain extent, giving up your past and its importance in your life.
Michelle and her husband moved to the city so that he could train in ministry. They moved away from all their friends and family and Michelle particularly felt the loss of her best friends. She tried to keep up with them as much as possible by phone and by making the hour-long trip home whenever she could. She put in a lot of effort to keep their friendships going.
However she began to notice a distance in her relationship with her friend. They would hold a party and not invite Michelle and her husband. They asked other people to be godparents to their new babies. Michelle felt sad and rejected. She put a lot of energy into a long-distance relationship but could see it falling apart despite her best efforts.
Michelle began to spend more time with the people around her to meet her needs for friendship and relationships. Over time she realized that her original friendships would have to be given up to a certain extent, and new friendships embraced if she was going to stay happy and connected to the present life.
Michele discovered that to survive the future, you’ve got to give up your past in many ways, and start living in the present as much as possible.
This is where saying goodbye effectively comes in. If we have not said goodbye, and we are still living in the past, things going to be much harder.
Of course living in the present is not easy. It can make you feel core-less, root-less and like a pretender, while you go through time, building history and internalising it with others. But the bad feelings don't last, especially if you can understand the reasons why you feel that way.
Don’t just suppress your past. Allow your past to be grieved. Enjoy it with some others as often as you can but don’t continue to live there. You need to say goodbye to the old so you have room for the new. If you’re trying to hold on to the old tightly with both hands, you’ll stay there. You can’t grow into the future.
Do all your experiences have to go out the window? Do you ever get to talk about what you’ve experienced? Yes, sometimes, but not all the time.
People here and now resent always being compared to the former situation.
When we go on about our previous experiences, it can give the impression that the person we’re talking to is not important.
I met an American exchange student at University who was really nice, and I wanted to get to know her but she had the habit of talking about “All my really good friends back home in Virginia.” In the end it was irritating. I thought, "well – if you like them so much, go back to them.”
Settling in well depends on you doing your part and the people around you being friendly. Sometimes this works really well. James joined a church at the beginning of the year and by March he seemed like part of the furniture. He had a naturally friendly personality, he went to everything and he was lucky enough to come into a group which welcomed and wanted him.
Sometimes this just will not happen. Kerry and her husband joined a new church and looked for a Bible study group. They were put in a group with other young couples like themselves but everyone in the group had been friends together for at least 10 years. While they were polite, they were not interested in being close. After persisting for several years, Kerry and her husband found a new group.
Sometimes it's impossible to try to penetrate a group of close friends. It's better to give them up and look around for other people who are feeling on the edge like yourself. There is always someone else who is looking for a friend.
But where people already have history together, you have to accept that you are the one who will have to fit in with them. How is this possible? I think through humility, by having a ‘learner’ attitude and to a certain extent, giving up your past and its importance in your life.
Michelle and her husband moved to the city so that he could train in ministry. They moved away from all their friends and family and Michelle particularly felt the loss of her best friends. She tried to keep up with them as much as possible by phone and by making the hour-long trip home whenever she could. She put in a lot of effort to keep their friendships going.
However she began to notice a distance in her relationship with her friend. They would hold a party and not invite Michelle and her husband. They asked other people to be godparents to their new babies. Michelle felt sad and rejected. She put a lot of energy into a long-distance relationship but could see it falling apart despite her best efforts.
Michelle began to spend more time with the people around her to meet her needs for friendship and relationships. Over time she realized that her original friendships would have to be given up to a certain extent, and new friendships embraced if she was going to stay happy and connected to the present life.
Michele discovered that to survive the future, you’ve got to give up your past in many ways, and start living in the present as much as possible.
This is where saying goodbye effectively comes in. If we have not said goodbye, and we are still living in the past, things going to be much harder.
Of course living in the present is not easy. It can make you feel core-less, root-less and like a pretender, while you go through time, building history and internalising it with others. But the bad feelings don't last, especially if you can understand the reasons why you feel that way.
Don’t just suppress your past. Allow your past to be grieved. Enjoy it with some others as often as you can but don’t continue to live there. You need to say goodbye to the old so you have room for the new. If you’re trying to hold on to the old tightly with both hands, you’ll stay there. You can’t grow into the future.
Do all your experiences have to go out the window? Do you ever get to talk about what you’ve experienced? Yes, sometimes, but not all the time.
People here and now resent always being compared to the former situation.
When we go on about our previous experiences, it can give the impression that the person we’re talking to is not important.
I met an American exchange student at University who was really nice, and I wanted to get to know her but she had the habit of talking about “All my really good friends back home in Virginia.” In the end it was irritating. I thought, "well – if you like them so much, go back to them.”
Settling in well depends on you doing your part and the people around you being friendly. Sometimes this works really well. James joined a church at the beginning of the year and by March he seemed like part of the furniture. He had a naturally friendly personality, he went to everything and he was lucky enough to come into a group which welcomed and wanted him.
Sometimes this just will not happen. Kerry and her husband joined a new church and looked for a Bible study group. They were put in a group with other young couples like themselves but everyone in the group had been friends together for at least 10 years. While they were polite, they were not interested in being close. After persisting for several years, Kerry and her husband found a new group.
Sometimes it's impossible to try to penetrate a group of close friends. It's better to give them up and look around for other people who are feeling on the edge like yourself. There is always someone else who is looking for a friend.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Friendship and small talk
I had a fun enough day that I felt energised enough to do some more work on my book about friendship.
Do you avoid making and maintaining social relationships through small talk? If so, why?
Is it because you are shy, angry or tired?
You might be an introvert who finds that talking to people takes a lot of energy. I’m introverted and I need my space, but my eight year old daughter is a complete extrovert. We differ in the amount of time we can spend with others, but we both need – and want - relationships. We just do it slightly differently.
When I’m angry, I often don’t feel like making the effort. Sometimes, however, that’s when I need others the most, to bring me some perspective, or some solace. There’s nothing as good at changing an angry mood as spending time with positive people.
Tiredness is another matter. That’s when I find it best to get into bed and get a decent night’s sleep. I’m far more able to cope with others after my eight hours.
Do you not really like people?
Do you fear others? Did you grow up in a family that kept others out or complained about people all the time? Have you been badly hurt by someone? It’s well worth exploring any issues there may be in your life, either by yourself or with a trusted friend or counsellor.
Are you too busy?
I’m an organised type of person who tends to be ‘task-oriented’. I focus on the job I’m doing, often to the exclusion of the people around me. I’ll leave a conversation so I can finish what I’m focusing on right then. Because I’m good at doing things, I also usually have about five things to do at once.
I often think, “Once I get everything done, I’ll sit down and talk.” The trouble is, everything is never done. And when it is, I find other things to do. Doing things makes me feel important and in control. Talking to people means giving up some of my importance and control, so it’s threatening.
Task-oriented people like me need to find a way to keep people as priority number one.
Do you avoid small talk because you simply lack the skills?
Some people did not grow up in families where these things were known or taught. As adults they avoid these kinds of interactions because they just don’t know how to do it.
If you’re no good at small talk, start listening to people who are good at it. You might pick up some tips.
Do you avoid making and maintaining social relationships through small talk? If so, why?
Is it because you are shy, angry or tired?
You might be an introvert who finds that talking to people takes a lot of energy. I’m introverted and I need my space, but my eight year old daughter is a complete extrovert. We differ in the amount of time we can spend with others, but we both need – and want - relationships. We just do it slightly differently.
When I’m angry, I often don’t feel like making the effort. Sometimes, however, that’s when I need others the most, to bring me some perspective, or some solace. There’s nothing as good at changing an angry mood as spending time with positive people.
Tiredness is another matter. That’s when I find it best to get into bed and get a decent night’s sleep. I’m far more able to cope with others after my eight hours.
Do you not really like people?
Do you fear others? Did you grow up in a family that kept others out or complained about people all the time? Have you been badly hurt by someone? It’s well worth exploring any issues there may be in your life, either by yourself or with a trusted friend or counsellor.
Are you too busy?
I’m an organised type of person who tends to be ‘task-oriented’. I focus on the job I’m doing, often to the exclusion of the people around me. I’ll leave a conversation so I can finish what I’m focusing on right then. Because I’m good at doing things, I also usually have about five things to do at once.
I often think, “Once I get everything done, I’ll sit down and talk.” The trouble is, everything is never done. And when it is, I find other things to do. Doing things makes me feel important and in control. Talking to people means giving up some of my importance and control, so it’s threatening.
Task-oriented people like me need to find a way to keep people as priority number one.
Do you avoid small talk because you simply lack the skills?
Some people did not grow up in families where these things were known or taught. As adults they avoid these kinds of interactions because they just don’t know how to do it.
If you’re no good at small talk, start listening to people who are good at it. You might pick up some tips.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
When friendships fall apart... III
... because people change
You hear people say a lot “real friends don’t judge. They are happy for whatever makes the other person happy.”
That's true – but only to a certain extent.
Friends are friends because they have something in common. But if one person changes or follows a different route in life, or makes a decision the other one doesn’t agree with, it is hard for a friendship to continue the same as it has been.
A Christian friend of mine at uni started to withdraw from church and spend lots of time with another girl at our college. Eventually it turned out that they were having a lesbian affair. Yep. It was hard to be friends with her.
Another Christian friend went through a difficult situation when her husband left her after only 6 years of marriage. We spent a lot of time together, reading the Bible, and trying to understand what happened, and how things could be resolved.
Then she started meeting less often. She’d been out to a nightclub, met a new fellow and was now sleeping with him. I found it very difficult to keep the friendship at the same level that it had been.
Obviously, you should be wise about what things really do show a 'different direction' and what things are merely trivial.
For example, if your friend turned vegetarian, and you didn't really have strong opinions about it, but you found it slightly annoying, this probably wouldn't be something your friendship would fall apart over. (If it did, you might have some control issues you needed to look at!)
But if you were both ardent vegetarians and you had built your life around your beliefs, and your friend turned into a meat eater, you might find it very difficult to hang out with them any more.
This is an area for wisdom and prayer.
You can’t control your friends, nor should you try. You can’t make anyone do what you would do. But you can express your opinion, if asked for.
If you really can’t continue in the friendship, express why – honestly and with love - to your friend.
If you change, you may expect your friendships to change too, even if you change in good ways, not bad. People who come out of alcoholic or drug addictions often say that their friendships change because they no longer do what they did before.
What can you do? Understand that people do change. And relationships will often change too. You can’t expect someone to stay the same all their lives. Support people as far as you can, don’t try to control them.
But if it’s impossible for you to stay in the same friendship with them, tell them, grieve the loss and find new friends.
You hear people say a lot “real friends don’t judge. They are happy for whatever makes the other person happy.”
That's true – but only to a certain extent.
Friends are friends because they have something in common. But if one person changes or follows a different route in life, or makes a decision the other one doesn’t agree with, it is hard for a friendship to continue the same as it has been.
A Christian friend of mine at uni started to withdraw from church and spend lots of time with another girl at our college. Eventually it turned out that they were having a lesbian affair. Yep. It was hard to be friends with her.
Another Christian friend went through a difficult situation when her husband left her after only 6 years of marriage. We spent a lot of time together, reading the Bible, and trying to understand what happened, and how things could be resolved.
Then she started meeting less often. She’d been out to a nightclub, met a new fellow and was now sleeping with him. I found it very difficult to keep the friendship at the same level that it had been.
Obviously, you should be wise about what things really do show a 'different direction' and what things are merely trivial.
For example, if your friend turned vegetarian, and you didn't really have strong opinions about it, but you found it slightly annoying, this probably wouldn't be something your friendship would fall apart over. (If it did, you might have some control issues you needed to look at!)
But if you were both ardent vegetarians and you had built your life around your beliefs, and your friend turned into a meat eater, you might find it very difficult to hang out with them any more.
This is an area for wisdom and prayer.
You can’t control your friends, nor should you try. You can’t make anyone do what you would do. But you can express your opinion, if asked for.
If you really can’t continue in the friendship, express why – honestly and with love - to your friend.
If you change, you may expect your friendships to change too, even if you change in good ways, not bad. People who come out of alcoholic or drug addictions often say that their friendships change because they no longer do what they did before.
What can you do? Understand that people do change. And relationships will often change too. You can’t expect someone to stay the same all their lives. Support people as far as you can, don’t try to control them.
But if it’s impossible for you to stay in the same friendship with them, tell them, grieve the loss and find new friends.
Friday, July 20, 2007
When friendships fall apart... II
... why does it happen and what can I do?
Friendships can falter because of natural changes in time and status.
My good friend and I did not have a fight. We did not have a disagreement. We didn’t particularly change our personalities and reject each other.
What happened, was we grew up. We gained other responsibilities and our lives shifted to new priorities. It happened naturally, and these were not bad changes: I’m talking about getting married, finding a job, having babies.
Where I used to have an hour to write to her, now I spend that hour folding the washing, or tidying up toys, or occasionally chilling out.
And as our responsibilities and priorities have changed, so have our relationships. She used to be in my intimate space. Now my husband and my children are. Time and energy means people who are closer in distance to me fill my personal space now.
No relationship survives in one space for the entire life of the relationship. It can move from one to the other. Often, it has to.
A typical teenage pattern is having a best friend type buddy who you do everything with. But then, hat buddy finds a girlfriend or boyfriend before you do, and all of a sudden they don’t have time for you any more!
That’s hard to take... but it’s a natural shift.
Natural shifts can hurt a lot. Just because they are natural doesn’t mean you might not feel it strongly. But understanding the four spaces can help us see that a friendship might not be dissolving – rather, just moving to a more appropriate space for now.
If you can give your friend the permission to do that, and enjoy the new status of the relationship, you will both be happier.
Friendships can falter because of natural changes in time and status.
My good friend and I did not have a fight. We did not have a disagreement. We didn’t particularly change our personalities and reject each other.
What happened, was we grew up. We gained other responsibilities and our lives shifted to new priorities. It happened naturally, and these were not bad changes: I’m talking about getting married, finding a job, having babies.
Where I used to have an hour to write to her, now I spend that hour folding the washing, or tidying up toys, or occasionally chilling out.
And as our responsibilities and priorities have changed, so have our relationships. She used to be in my intimate space. Now my husband and my children are. Time and energy means people who are closer in distance to me fill my personal space now.
No relationship survives in one space for the entire life of the relationship. It can move from one to the other. Often, it has to.
A typical teenage pattern is having a best friend type buddy who you do everything with. But then, hat buddy finds a girlfriend or boyfriend before you do, and all of a sudden they don’t have time for you any more!
That’s hard to take... but it’s a natural shift.
Natural shifts can hurt a lot. Just because they are natural doesn’t mean you might not feel it strongly. But understanding the four spaces can help us see that a friendship might not be dissolving – rather, just moving to a more appropriate space for now.
If you can give your friend the permission to do that, and enjoy the new status of the relationship, you will both be happier.
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
The danger of friendship
Friendship is all good, right? How could there be ‘dangers’ from friendship?
I was on a beachmission team when I was 18. It was a really nice team, with some really nice people on it. There were four people I remember. Two boys and two girls. I liked each of them very much.
Trouble was, when the four of them were together, they didn’t talk to anyone else outside of themselves. Trying to join the conversation was impossible. They had so many in-jokes, that they were laughing when no-one else was. They looked so popular, so beautiful, so happy. I wanted to get to know them, but they just weren’t interested.
In their own minds, I think they just saw themselves as four people who got along very very well and had a lot in common, and laughed a lot. But everyone else around saw them as a clique!
How do cliques happen? Well, personal space friendship is selective. If you say “these people are my friends” you must also say “these people are not”.
Close friendship comes when two or a few people discover they have some insight or taste in common which others do not share. And, as we said, we all need this kind of friendship.
But here’s the thing. The closeness of personal space friendship needs to be expressed in personal space.
The four people in my beachmission team had every right to be so friendly to each other. They were each in each other’s personal space. But they didn’t realise that mealtimes and social times with the beachmission team were social space. They needed to act appropriately in the social space.
They could still share friendship, but they needed to be aware of others and be welcoming to outsiders in such a social space.
The same danger of being exclusive applies to couples. My brother had a 21st party for about 50-60 people. He invited a couple from uni – friends of his. I remember them, because they were so unfriendly. They weren’t interested in anyone else from the party. They were only interested in smooching and dancing with each other. They were acting intimately in a social space, and it was disturbing because it excluded every one else. In a way, couples who do this create their own exclusive clique.
Cliques happen because people do not have an attitude of love for others that is appropriate in a social space. They are more interested in carrying on their personal relationships in a public and social space. That’s enjoyable, and probably fun for those people who do that. But it is not fun for everyone else. It excludes.
If you’re in a clique, it’s so easy to forget other people. You hardly even see them. But love is seeing the people around you. Loving is including people. Loving is acting appropriately so that everyone is respected and given the honour due to them as God’s creation.
I was on a beachmission team when I was 18. It was a really nice team, with some really nice people on it. There were four people I remember. Two boys and two girls. I liked each of them very much.
Trouble was, when the four of them were together, they didn’t talk to anyone else outside of themselves. Trying to join the conversation was impossible. They had so many in-jokes, that they were laughing when no-one else was. They looked so popular, so beautiful, so happy. I wanted to get to know them, but they just weren’t interested.
In their own minds, I think they just saw themselves as four people who got along very very well and had a lot in common, and laughed a lot. But everyone else around saw them as a clique!
How do cliques happen? Well, personal space friendship is selective. If you say “these people are my friends” you must also say “these people are not”.
Close friendship comes when two or a few people discover they have some insight or taste in common which others do not share. And, as we said, we all need this kind of friendship.
But here’s the thing. The closeness of personal space friendship needs to be expressed in personal space.
The four people in my beachmission team had every right to be so friendly to each other. They were each in each other’s personal space. But they didn’t realise that mealtimes and social times with the beachmission team were social space. They needed to act appropriately in the social space.
They could still share friendship, but they needed to be aware of others and be welcoming to outsiders in such a social space.
The same danger of being exclusive applies to couples. My brother had a 21st party for about 50-60 people. He invited a couple from uni – friends of his. I remember them, because they were so unfriendly. They weren’t interested in anyone else from the party. They were only interested in smooching and dancing with each other. They were acting intimately in a social space, and it was disturbing because it excluded every one else. In a way, couples who do this create their own exclusive clique.
Cliques happen because people do not have an attitude of love for others that is appropriate in a social space. They are more interested in carrying on their personal relationships in a public and social space. That’s enjoyable, and probably fun for those people who do that. But it is not fun for everyone else. It excludes.
If you’re in a clique, it’s so easy to forget other people. You hardly even see them. But love is seeing the people around you. Loving is including people. Loving is acting appropriately so that everyone is respected and given the honour due to them as God’s creation.
Monday, July 02, 2007
Best friends V
The third word in our trinity of relationship characteristics is interdependence. For good, healthy, close relationships, we need to follow the character of God and have togetherness, difference and interdependence.
Interdependence is where togetherness and difference come together. It is difference from independence. That focuses only on difference. It’s different from enmeshment. That focuses only on togetherness.
Interdependence is tricky to get right.
Here are some ways to get it wrong.
- Jo is so scared that her friends will reject her that she never has an opinion on anything because it might not be the same opinion that they have. She pretends she knows all about the music they talk about even though she doesn’t have a clue. She doesn’t really know what she thinks about anything, so she is really good at appearing to agree with other people all the time. Sometimes her friends have said some pretty mean things about her, but she can’t stand up to them and tell them they have hurt her. It would mean the end of the friendship. She doesn’t know that people think she’s a wimp, and boring and a lifeless sort of whale who just hangs around. She’s an easy target because she won’t do anything.
- Sarah is really good at taking care of others. She’s very responsible and she feels a rush of energy when people seem to need her to do things for them or sort out their problems. She notices that all her friends seem to have major crises in their lives and she’s very very busy looking after them all. It’s funny though – fixing up their lives doesn’t seem to help them get it together the next time! They still seem to do stupid things. She starts to get cross with them as well as doing everything for them, but they just won’t listen! She doesn’t know that when she takes care of people, it’s actually making them out to be inferior to her – people who don’t really know what to do. The people who end up as her friends will use her to get things, but never really change their behaviour.
- Nick is really popular and has heaps of friends. At least he has heaps of people who hang around him and want to be with him. He knows how to make people feel really special – when he’s with them. Too bad he doesn’t return anyone’s calls or share himself with any of them. He doesn’t know that he leaves behind a lot of broken hearts – not just romantically, but people who have thought he was their good friend, but have realised he wasn’t really interested in them.
- Sean has heaps of opinions, but they are pretty much all negative. If anyone expresses enthusiasm about something, he knows a snide comment that will bring them down or make them look stupid. He’s excellent at making jokey comments about his friends that have a sting in their tail, but “I’m just joking.” His friends think they must be a little sensitive, because they keep feeling hurt, but that’s just Sean’s sense of humour right? He doesn’t know that he will eventually have no friends because it just hurts too much for the people around him to keep being poked in the eye.
- Steve is a really really nice guy. Everyone loves him. He’s really obliging – he’ll agree to do anything and is really willing to go places and do helpful things for people. Oh, but he keeps forgetting little things. And then he doesn’t quite turn up. But he has a really good excuse each time, and he’s quick to say sorry. But it happens a lot, and if his friends pull him up on it, they’re accusing him and it’s their fault for asking him to do it in the first place. Steve doesn’t know that he actually a really really angry guy on the inside. The reasons he forgets things and doesn’t keep his promises is because he will do whatever he can to keep people happy for the moment... but the only way he can assert his independence is to not do what people want him to. He doesn’t know that eventually he will lose his closest relationships because no-one can live with those kinds of untruths forever.
For interdependence you need
To be sure that God loves you and is working in you to change you
To know yourself and your own gifts, talents and vulnerabilities
To be sure that God loves the other person and is working in them to change them
To respect the other person’s differences, gifts, talents and vulnerabilities
To be sure that you are not God and cannot solve other people’s problems
To trust and be trustworthy
To be able to speak the truth if and when necessary, even if this is hard
To be encouraging and loving in your words and actions
To be willing to say sorry
To be willing to forgive
Interdependence is where togetherness and difference come together. It is difference from independence. That focuses only on difference. It’s different from enmeshment. That focuses only on togetherness.
Interdependence is tricky to get right.
Here are some ways to get it wrong.
- Jo is so scared that her friends will reject her that she never has an opinion on anything because it might not be the same opinion that they have. She pretends she knows all about the music they talk about even though she doesn’t have a clue. She doesn’t really know what she thinks about anything, so she is really good at appearing to agree with other people all the time. Sometimes her friends have said some pretty mean things about her, but she can’t stand up to them and tell them they have hurt her. It would mean the end of the friendship. She doesn’t know that people think she’s a wimp, and boring and a lifeless sort of whale who just hangs around. She’s an easy target because she won’t do anything.
- Sarah is really good at taking care of others. She’s very responsible and she feels a rush of energy when people seem to need her to do things for them or sort out their problems. She notices that all her friends seem to have major crises in their lives and she’s very very busy looking after them all. It’s funny though – fixing up their lives doesn’t seem to help them get it together the next time! They still seem to do stupid things. She starts to get cross with them as well as doing everything for them, but they just won’t listen! She doesn’t know that when she takes care of people, it’s actually making them out to be inferior to her – people who don’t really know what to do. The people who end up as her friends will use her to get things, but never really change their behaviour.
- Nick is really popular and has heaps of friends. At least he has heaps of people who hang around him and want to be with him. He knows how to make people feel really special – when he’s with them. Too bad he doesn’t return anyone’s calls or share himself with any of them. He doesn’t know that he leaves behind a lot of broken hearts – not just romantically, but people who have thought he was their good friend, but have realised he wasn’t really interested in them.
- Sean has heaps of opinions, but they are pretty much all negative. If anyone expresses enthusiasm about something, he knows a snide comment that will bring them down or make them look stupid. He’s excellent at making jokey comments about his friends that have a sting in their tail, but “I’m just joking.” His friends think they must be a little sensitive, because they keep feeling hurt, but that’s just Sean’s sense of humour right? He doesn’t know that he will eventually have no friends because it just hurts too much for the people around him to keep being poked in the eye.
- Steve is a really really nice guy. Everyone loves him. He’s really obliging – he’ll agree to do anything and is really willing to go places and do helpful things for people. Oh, but he keeps forgetting little things. And then he doesn’t quite turn up. But he has a really good excuse each time, and he’s quick to say sorry. But it happens a lot, and if his friends pull him up on it, they’re accusing him and it’s their fault for asking him to do it in the first place. Steve doesn’t know that he actually a really really angry guy on the inside. The reasons he forgets things and doesn’t keep his promises is because he will do whatever he can to keep people happy for the moment... but the only way he can assert his independence is to not do what people want him to. He doesn’t know that eventually he will lose his closest relationships because no-one can live with those kinds of untruths forever.
For interdependence you need
To be sure that God loves you and is working in you to change you
To know yourself and your own gifts, talents and vulnerabilities
To be sure that God loves the other person and is working in them to change them
To respect the other person’s differences, gifts, talents and vulnerabilities
To be sure that you are not God and cannot solve other people’s problems
To trust and be trustworthy
To be able to speak the truth if and when necessary, even if this is hard
To be encouraging and loving in your words and actions
To be willing to say sorry
To be willing to forgive
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Best friends IV
Togetherness is important, but difference is also a crucial part of healthy relationships.
I am a different person from you. You are not the same person as me. Even the person I am closest to – say, my husband or my mother or father. They are different from me.
I love quilting and making my own clothes. My mother thinks sewing is too hard and it gives her a headache. She trained as an infants teacher. I couldn’t think of anything worse than spending hours per day in a room full of little children. She’s neat. I’m kind of messy.
My husband and I are quite different. He likes cricket. I can’t see the point. I love going for walks. He’d rather stay home. I go to bed early with a book. He stays up late and watches sci fi movies.
Sometimes these differences cause friction. Why can’t everyone be more like me? It would make life so much easier!
Being different from other people is a problem that all MKs come up against. “We can’t relate to them. They can’t relate to us. We have nothing in common.” Feeling like a fish out of water is a really horrible feeling.
Probably everyone has this problem too. In fact, I'm sure they do. Where else does racism come from? And tight little sub-cultures? Even cliques at school are based on this feeling.
What if we could turn around the thinking about it though? Rather than seeing difference as something that alienates us, we could see it as proof of God’s richness and diversity.
Yes, it’s easier to be good friends with people who are like us. But there is so much to be gained from people who are not like us in personality, background, interests and all areas of life.
Let’s see difference as a benefit – a growth, a stretching. Let’s not see it as something to avoid or run away from.
This is hard when you’re a teenager. The big thing of the teenage years is that everyone has to be the same as everyone else. But cheerfully, it gets easier as time goes on.
When people find out where I’m from, they now think it’s interesting. When I was a teenager, they often found it weird. And I’m at the point where I can find many interesting things in people who have had different experiences from me.
We went out to dinner last week with a family who have been in this area forever. Both people had great-grandparents who had lived in the Southern Highlands. They were truly local.
As a 16 year old I probably would have scoffed at that. “How staid, how smallminded, how boring, how normal!” But now I can see that they have a richness of community and fellowship that I can’t really understand. They have a way in for the gospel amongst the other locals, who might not take newcomers seriously. I think their experience is really interesting and I love to find out about it.
Everyone out there has a different story to tell. Let's get out there and find other people’s stories. Show you’re interested in their difference, and they’ll be interested in yours.
Difference is richness. And essential for great relationships.
I am a different person from you. You are not the same person as me. Even the person I am closest to – say, my husband or my mother or father. They are different from me.
I love quilting and making my own clothes. My mother thinks sewing is too hard and it gives her a headache. She trained as an infants teacher. I couldn’t think of anything worse than spending hours per day in a room full of little children. She’s neat. I’m kind of messy.
My husband and I are quite different. He likes cricket. I can’t see the point. I love going for walks. He’d rather stay home. I go to bed early with a book. He stays up late and watches sci fi movies.
Sometimes these differences cause friction. Why can’t everyone be more like me? It would make life so much easier!
Being different from other people is a problem that all MKs come up against. “We can’t relate to them. They can’t relate to us. We have nothing in common.” Feeling like a fish out of water is a really horrible feeling.
Probably everyone has this problem too. In fact, I'm sure they do. Where else does racism come from? And tight little sub-cultures? Even cliques at school are based on this feeling.
What if we could turn around the thinking about it though? Rather than seeing difference as something that alienates us, we could see it as proof of God’s richness and diversity.
Yes, it’s easier to be good friends with people who are like us. But there is so much to be gained from people who are not like us in personality, background, interests and all areas of life.
Let’s see difference as a benefit – a growth, a stretching. Let’s not see it as something to avoid or run away from.
This is hard when you’re a teenager. The big thing of the teenage years is that everyone has to be the same as everyone else. But cheerfully, it gets easier as time goes on.
When people find out where I’m from, they now think it’s interesting. When I was a teenager, they often found it weird. And I’m at the point where I can find many interesting things in people who have had different experiences from me.
We went out to dinner last week with a family who have been in this area forever. Both people had great-grandparents who had lived in the Southern Highlands. They were truly local.
As a 16 year old I probably would have scoffed at that. “How staid, how smallminded, how boring, how normal!” But now I can see that they have a richness of community and fellowship that I can’t really understand. They have a way in for the gospel amongst the other locals, who might not take newcomers seriously. I think their experience is really interesting and I love to find out about it.
Everyone out there has a different story to tell. Let's get out there and find other people’s stories. Show you’re interested in their difference, and they’ll be interested in yours.
Difference is richness. And essential for great relationships.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Best friends III
I can't resist adding this wonderful list of questions, pinched from Cloud and Townsend's book Safe People. Another must-read.
Some questions to ask yourself when you think about if you are able to be close to others?
1. Do you tend to be the ‘giver’ in relationships – or are your relationships mutual with equal give and take?
2. Do you find that people approach you when they want something from you, or more to simply spend time with you?
3. Is it difficult for you to open up about your real feelings and problems?
4. Is it hard for you to see others as a source of emotional and spiritual support?
5. Do you prefer to be alone to deal with your problems?
6. Is there a pattern, where people seem to like you when you appear ok, but withdraw if you are honest about yourself?
7. Do you feel that God is the only person who really knows and loves all of you?
8. Do you find yourself choosing people who let you down over time?9. Are intimate, vulnerable, two way conversations a rarity, or a regular occurrence?
10. Do you find most of your personal connections revolving more around activities or duties than relationships?
Some questions to ask yourself when you think about if you are able to be close to others?
1. Do you tend to be the ‘giver’ in relationships – or are your relationships mutual with equal give and take?
2. Do you find that people approach you when they want something from you, or more to simply spend time with you?
3. Is it difficult for you to open up about your real feelings and problems?
4. Is it hard for you to see others as a source of emotional and spiritual support?
5. Do you prefer to be alone to deal with your problems?
6. Is there a pattern, where people seem to like you when you appear ok, but withdraw if you are honest about yourself?
7. Do you feel that God is the only person who really knows and loves all of you?
8. Do you find yourself choosing people who let you down over time?9. Are intimate, vulnerable, two way conversations a rarity, or a regular occurrence?
10. Do you find most of your personal connections revolving more around activities or duties than relationships?
Best friends II
Yesterday I posted about close friendships. Rather than ask: how can I get that kind of friendship, we need to ask: how can I be the best person for that kind of friendship.
I wrote a few weeks ago about the Trinity, and how three aspects of the way the persons of God relate within the Godhead provide a model for our relationships. We all need: togetherness, difference and interdependence in the way we relate.
So in terms of our close friendships, let's look at some aspects of 'togetherness'.
To have togetherness, firstly, you have to be willing, and then you have to be able to be close with someone. And then you need to make good decisions about the person/people you choose to be close to.
Are you willing to be close to someone?
This may sound surprising. Surely it’s obvious that everyone would want to have personal and intimate friends. Probably on the surface it’s true. But go a level deeper and some people have trouble with actually wanting to be close.
Perhaps you have had to say too many goodbyes or hurts in your life. You may feel like the risk is just too great and you don’t even want to try. You would rather be self-sufficient.
God has created all of us incomplete and inadequate. There are so many things we cannot provide for ourselves. We can’t provide God’s love. We are reliant on God for our physical needs. We need others to give us the human love we need. Yet, deep inside, most of us hate the idea of needing other people, and asking for what we don’t have. We know we’re incomplete and inadequate but it’s humiliating to admit it.
Sometimes we teach self-sufficiency as a positive character trait. We think that the individual who either doesn’t have problems or who hides them really well is a model of Christian maturity.
People who move a lot or who are hurt a lot become self-sufficient as a survival mechanism. It’s a response based on fear. No one gets inside, and no one gets close, and the self-sufficiency keeps them from being overwhelmed by loss and grief.
But self-sufficiency can’t work in the long term. Survival mechanisms are for short term survival – not long term living.
It’s a good thing to be needy. It means you are human, and you’re embracing God’s grace. Self-sufficiency is based on fear. And fear is not God’s way to live.
The Bible says that the opposite of fear is not confidence... it’s not self-confidence, which is what we try to conquer it by. The opposite of fear is love. Perfect love casts out fear.
Through facing our fears of being close, and allowing others to love us, imperfect though we are, the fears will disappear and we’ll be more healthy and have much better relationships.
You might be willing – but are you able to be close to others?
Self-sufficiency is one big block to being close with other people. If you can never admit your weaknesses, you stop other people really getting to know you. You set up a pattern whereby you are the strong one in the relationship, which means necessarily that the other person is the weak one. That doesn’t set up for a close, equal relationship.
There are other blocks to closeness, all based on fear, which is also the root of pride.
What about defensiveness. Can you take loving confrontation and feedback, or do you draw your sword whenever anyone says anything.
Related to that is being self-righteous – not humble. There’s an ‘I’m better than you’ (whether spoken or not) dynamic going on.
When confronted, do you apologise, or do you actually change your behaviour as well? Lots of times we’ll say ‘sorry’ to get someone out of our face for the moment, but we go right back and do the same thing the next time.
What about taking responsibility for your life and your own problems? Or do you say: “It’s all my mother’s fault. She put me on the potty too early and I was emotionally scarred for life.”
Do you choose the right people to be 'together' with?
Think back over your close friendships and relationships. Have you been friends with people who have valued you, been vulnerable with you, and who have opened up to you in love and truth? Are they people who love God and want to serve him?
Or have they been people who have taken what you’ve given and then betrayed you? Have they gossiped about you? Have they tried to control you? Or have they let you make all the decisions in the relationship – so that they are completely passive?
Yes, we need to love everyone. But you don’t have to be close to everyone in the same way. And of course no one is going to be perfect. All our friends fail us at some point, just like we fail them at times.
But you need to be wise about the people you are closest to. The Bible teaches this. “Don’t make friends with people who have hot violent tempers, you might learn their habits and not be able to change.”
People we are with influence us. Don’t hang out with big drinkers or drug takers or people who are constantly cynical, critical and bitter. Avoid trusting people who have a pattern of letting you down. Use your wisdom and pick safe people. It’s a crucial part of togetherness.
I wrote a few weeks ago about the Trinity, and how three aspects of the way the persons of God relate within the Godhead provide a model for our relationships. We all need: togetherness, difference and interdependence in the way we relate.
So in terms of our close friendships, let's look at some aspects of 'togetherness'.
To have togetherness, firstly, you have to be willing, and then you have to be able to be close with someone. And then you need to make good decisions about the person/people you choose to be close to.
Are you willing to be close to someone?
This may sound surprising. Surely it’s obvious that everyone would want to have personal and intimate friends. Probably on the surface it’s true. But go a level deeper and some people have trouble with actually wanting to be close.
Perhaps you have had to say too many goodbyes or hurts in your life. You may feel like the risk is just too great and you don’t even want to try. You would rather be self-sufficient.
God has created all of us incomplete and inadequate. There are so many things we cannot provide for ourselves. We can’t provide God’s love. We are reliant on God for our physical needs. We need others to give us the human love we need. Yet, deep inside, most of us hate the idea of needing other people, and asking for what we don’t have. We know we’re incomplete and inadequate but it’s humiliating to admit it.
Sometimes we teach self-sufficiency as a positive character trait. We think that the individual who either doesn’t have problems or who hides them really well is a model of Christian maturity.
People who move a lot or who are hurt a lot become self-sufficient as a survival mechanism. It’s a response based on fear. No one gets inside, and no one gets close, and the self-sufficiency keeps them from being overwhelmed by loss and grief.
But self-sufficiency can’t work in the long term. Survival mechanisms are for short term survival – not long term living.
It’s a good thing to be needy. It means you are human, and you’re embracing God’s grace. Self-sufficiency is based on fear. And fear is not God’s way to live.
The Bible says that the opposite of fear is not confidence... it’s not self-confidence, which is what we try to conquer it by. The opposite of fear is love. Perfect love casts out fear.
Through facing our fears of being close, and allowing others to love us, imperfect though we are, the fears will disappear and we’ll be more healthy and have much better relationships.
You might be willing – but are you able to be close to others?
Self-sufficiency is one big block to being close with other people. If you can never admit your weaknesses, you stop other people really getting to know you. You set up a pattern whereby you are the strong one in the relationship, which means necessarily that the other person is the weak one. That doesn’t set up for a close, equal relationship.
There are other blocks to closeness, all based on fear, which is also the root of pride.
What about defensiveness. Can you take loving confrontation and feedback, or do you draw your sword whenever anyone says anything.
Related to that is being self-righteous – not humble. There’s an ‘I’m better than you’ (whether spoken or not) dynamic going on.
When confronted, do you apologise, or do you actually change your behaviour as well? Lots of times we’ll say ‘sorry’ to get someone out of our face for the moment, but we go right back and do the same thing the next time.
What about taking responsibility for your life and your own problems? Or do you say: “It’s all my mother’s fault. She put me on the potty too early and I was emotionally scarred for life.”
Do you choose the right people to be 'together' with?
Think back over your close friendships and relationships. Have you been friends with people who have valued you, been vulnerable with you, and who have opened up to you in love and truth? Are they people who love God and want to serve him?
Or have they been people who have taken what you’ve given and then betrayed you? Have they gossiped about you? Have they tried to control you? Or have they let you make all the decisions in the relationship – so that they are completely passive?
Yes, we need to love everyone. But you don’t have to be close to everyone in the same way. And of course no one is going to be perfect. All our friends fail us at some point, just like we fail them at times.
But you need to be wise about the people you are closest to. The Bible teaches this. “Don’t make friends with people who have hot violent tempers, you might learn their habits and not be able to change.”
People we are with influence us. Don’t hang out with big drinkers or drug takers or people who are constantly cynical, critical and bitter. Avoid trusting people who have a pattern of letting you down. Use your wisdom and pick safe people. It’s a crucial part of togetherness.
Friday, June 29, 2007
Best friends
Everyone wants a best friend. Or if not, one, then a small group of best friends. They want a close person or a tight, secure, reliable group. Besties make us feel secure. They bring us joy. We love them. We need them.
The Bible agrees.
Ecclesiastes 4:8-12 8 This is the case of a man who is all alone, without a child or a brother, yet who works hard to gain as much wealth as he can. But then he asks himself, "Who am I working for? Why am I giving up so much pleasure now?" It is all so meaningless and depressing. 9 Two people can accomplish more than twice as much as one; they get a better return for their labor. 10 If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But people who are alone when they fall are in real trouble. 11 And on a cold night, two under the same blanket can gain warmth from each other. But how can one be warm alone? 12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.
When I was six, I found my soul-mate. Her name was Sarah. Nearly the first thing we discovered about each other was that our birthdays were exactly one week apart! Wow. We could have been twins (except for different parents, countries of origin, and of course that the mother would have had to have been in labour for more than 168 hours.)
That didn’t matter. We were twins. And the clincher was the fact that we both had.... red t-shirts and white skirts with flowers on them. Talk about coincidence. It was a friendship made in heaven.
We all want these kinds of relationships. It’s important to work on them, think about them, and desire them.
So, the big question is: how to get these kinds of relationships, right?
I told you Sarah was my best friend at the age of six. We were soul mates. But I didn’t tell you yet that five years later... the relationship was in tatters. The reason: boarding school.
Sarah and I were sort of best friends from afar. She lived up country, I lived in the city. But we wrote, and saw each other a few times a year.
Sarah went off to boarding at the age of 9. At boarding, it’s imperative that you have a buddy, an ally and a best friend, and thus she became best friends with another girl.
I came to boarding school at the age of 11, not knowing that Sarah had switched allegiances. I expected to continue as we had been, but better, because we would finally be in the same place at the same time. It was not to be!
I found myself without a best friend, but also, the target of this other girl, who (I assume) was feeling very threatened by me and my prior relationship with Sarah, and was determined to keep Sarah to herself.
I found myself friendless and targeted. And was consequently very unhappy for a good number of months. My biggest desire was to find a best friend. It was my consuming passion. My friendship failed, and I was determined to get another one. “How can I get a best friend?” was my biggest problem.
But... I was asking the wrong question.
The question is not: how can get this kind of relationship?
But: How can I be the best person for this kind of relationship?
A person desperate for relationships will probably never really succeed in forming them. Because that person is looking for a product. The sort of thing you could buy at a shop. “This is what a best friendship is. I’ll have one. Give it to me. How much do I have to pay for it?”
A person who sees a friendship as a process, not a product, is going to have a lot more success*. You as a person are developing in maturity, character, wisdom, spiritual gifts. Other people around you are doing that too. On our way, we’ll meet each other and benefit from each other. But it’s the process of two-sided character growth that really makes the friendship happen.
*Interestingly – CS Lewis says that people who simply ‘want friends’ can never find any. The very condition of having friends means we should want something else, besides friends. Friendship must be about something.He says: “Those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow travellers.” Part of being the best person for this kind of relationship is actually having some interests, some purpose, something you believe in!
The Bible agrees.
Ecclesiastes 4:8-12 8 This is the case of a man who is all alone, without a child or a brother, yet who works hard to gain as much wealth as he can. But then he asks himself, "Who am I working for? Why am I giving up so much pleasure now?" It is all so meaningless and depressing. 9 Two people can accomplish more than twice as much as one; they get a better return for their labor. 10 If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But people who are alone when they fall are in real trouble. 11 And on a cold night, two under the same blanket can gain warmth from each other. But how can one be warm alone? 12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.
When I was six, I found my soul-mate. Her name was Sarah. Nearly the first thing we discovered about each other was that our birthdays were exactly one week apart! Wow. We could have been twins (except for different parents, countries of origin, and of course that the mother would have had to have been in labour for more than 168 hours.)
That didn’t matter. We were twins. And the clincher was the fact that we both had.... red t-shirts and white skirts with flowers on them. Talk about coincidence. It was a friendship made in heaven.
We all want these kinds of relationships. It’s important to work on them, think about them, and desire them.
So, the big question is: how to get these kinds of relationships, right?
I told you Sarah was my best friend at the age of six. We were soul mates. But I didn’t tell you yet that five years later... the relationship was in tatters. The reason: boarding school.
Sarah and I were sort of best friends from afar. She lived up country, I lived in the city. But we wrote, and saw each other a few times a year.
Sarah went off to boarding at the age of 9. At boarding, it’s imperative that you have a buddy, an ally and a best friend, and thus she became best friends with another girl.
I came to boarding school at the age of 11, not knowing that Sarah had switched allegiances. I expected to continue as we had been, but better, because we would finally be in the same place at the same time. It was not to be!
I found myself without a best friend, but also, the target of this other girl, who (I assume) was feeling very threatened by me and my prior relationship with Sarah, and was determined to keep Sarah to herself.
I found myself friendless and targeted. And was consequently very unhappy for a good number of months. My biggest desire was to find a best friend. It was my consuming passion. My friendship failed, and I was determined to get another one. “How can I get a best friend?” was my biggest problem.
But... I was asking the wrong question.
The question is not: how can get this kind of relationship?
But: How can I be the best person for this kind of relationship?
A person desperate for relationships will probably never really succeed in forming them. Because that person is looking for a product. The sort of thing you could buy at a shop. “This is what a best friendship is. I’ll have one. Give it to me. How much do I have to pay for it?”
A person who sees a friendship as a process, not a product, is going to have a lot more success*. You as a person are developing in maturity, character, wisdom, spiritual gifts. Other people around you are doing that too. On our way, we’ll meet each other and benefit from each other. But it’s the process of two-sided character growth that really makes the friendship happen.
*Interestingly – CS Lewis says that people who simply ‘want friends’ can never find any. The very condition of having friends means we should want something else, besides friends. Friendship must be about something.He says: “Those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow travellers.” Part of being the best person for this kind of relationship is actually having some interests, some purpose, something you believe in!
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Even more on belonging
In contrast with 'Christine' from my last entry, here are the words of 'Ethan', another MK who also faced the task of trying to belong to his home country.
‘Overwhelmed is a good word to describe how I felt at the beginning of my senior year in the huge highschool in my home country. I had never seen so many white kids in my life.
Very quickly I learned that in order to meet people, make new friends and learn the ropes, I had to initiate the conversation. The other kids were not interested in me, nor did they have a desire to understand the places I had been and the things I had seen. In order to fit in, I felt I had to talk about the things and places with which they were familiar. In essence, I had to be like them.
Sounds like the beginning of a miserable year, right? It actually ended up being not so bad. Two things helped. First, I got involved in small groups at school. The first week I tried out for the swim team and because I could swim well from my years in Africa, I became captain of the team. I also joined the choir. I spent time in both these groups getting to know kids that I had things in common with. I ate lunch with these people, sat in class and rode the bus with them.
These groups helped me get to know and spend time with the other kids that I wouldn’t have gotten to know had I just gone to class and home again. There are many special interest groups in high schools, from sport to language to vocational groups.
The second important group was the church youth group. Every furlough my sister and I attended the same church, so we were familiar with lots of the kids who were in the youth programs. Very few of these went to my school, but I had Christian friends to go out with on weekends and looked forward to going to church on Sundays without feeling like a stranger.’
Ethan has an innate sense of the four spaces of belonging. He instinctively understands that 'deep' friendships will not necessarily help him belong, but that public and social belonging will start that process.
Ethan is also far more other-centred than Christine. He doesn't expect that anyone will come to him. Rather, he knows he will have to go to them. He echoes God's love in the initiative that he takes with other people.
And from the tone of his words, Ethan is a whole lot happier than Christine!
‘Overwhelmed is a good word to describe how I felt at the beginning of my senior year in the huge highschool in my home country. I had never seen so many white kids in my life.
Very quickly I learned that in order to meet people, make new friends and learn the ropes, I had to initiate the conversation. The other kids were not interested in me, nor did they have a desire to understand the places I had been and the things I had seen. In order to fit in, I felt I had to talk about the things and places with which they were familiar. In essence, I had to be like them.
Sounds like the beginning of a miserable year, right? It actually ended up being not so bad. Two things helped. First, I got involved in small groups at school. The first week I tried out for the swim team and because I could swim well from my years in Africa, I became captain of the team. I also joined the choir. I spent time in both these groups getting to know kids that I had things in common with. I ate lunch with these people, sat in class and rode the bus with them.
These groups helped me get to know and spend time with the other kids that I wouldn’t have gotten to know had I just gone to class and home again. There are many special interest groups in high schools, from sport to language to vocational groups.
The second important group was the church youth group. Every furlough my sister and I attended the same church, so we were familiar with lots of the kids who were in the youth programs. Very few of these went to my school, but I had Christian friends to go out with on weekends and looked forward to going to church on Sundays without feeling like a stranger.’
Ethan has an innate sense of the four spaces of belonging. He instinctively understands that 'deep' friendships will not necessarily help him belong, but that public and social belonging will start that process.
Ethan is also far more other-centred than Christine. He doesn't expect that anyone will come to him. Rather, he knows he will have to go to them. He echoes God's love in the initiative that he takes with other people.
And from the tone of his words, Ethan is a whole lot happier than Christine!
Thursday, June 21, 2007
More on Belonging
I'm still preparing these talks on belonging and friendship for the MK camp. In my research on the internet, I came across this personal story. The person's name is not Christine - I've just named her that for my own purposes.
If you're new, foreign or different, how do you approach the task of settling in, fitting in, belonging, finding friends, finding connections... whatever you want to call it?
Here are the words of "Christine'', several years after she switched countries. She doesn't sound like a happy camper.
‘Having left my friends overseas, I’ve made some new acquaintances, but because time spent with them is very limited, there isn’t the same level of friendship with them that I’ve had with older friends.
To some extent this is true anywhere, since once you begin your career, you simply have less time to spend with your friends because of work schedules, moving, marriage, general busyness, etc.
The biggest difference, however, lies in not having memories or personal history to reminisce with someone about. When the conversation turns to something or someone you’ve never heard of, or never experienced, your interest naturally wanes because you can’t identify with it.
This prevents friendships from growing or deepening, and results in ‘surface relationships’. In this regard, I still feel very disconnected from both people and churches.’
What is the essence of Christine's problem?
Firstly, I don’t think Christine understands the different ways you can belong at all. On this blog I've mentioned the 'four spaces of belonging' several times. They are: public, social, personal and intimate.
I think Christine is pinning all her hopes for belonging on one or two spaces.
She is effectively saying, ‘only the personal and intimate spaces are valuable relationships. The public and social spaces don’t matter. In fact, they are second best because they are only ‘surface relationships’.
Secondly: I don’t think Christine really understands all that is true about the Trinity and relationships. To relate to others the way God intended us to relate, we need to hold three things in balance: togetherness, difference and interdependence.
Christine loves togetherness. But she doesn’t really understand how difference can be a part of togetherness. She’s allowing her difference to be a separation from others, rather than a means of enjoyment. And she is not experiencing any interdependence. She doesn’t need the people she’s got around her. And she’s not allowing them to need her. There’s very little real give and take.
Poor Christine. Many people, especially those who have moved around a lot, know how she feels. But the reality is, we don’t have to feel that way, at least not forever.
If we start now to understand how belonging works, and what we can do to make it happen for us, we won't have to have a personal story like Christine's for too long.
If you're new, foreign or different, how do you approach the task of settling in, fitting in, belonging, finding friends, finding connections... whatever you want to call it?
Here are the words of "Christine'', several years after she switched countries. She doesn't sound like a happy camper.
‘Having left my friends overseas, I’ve made some new acquaintances, but because time spent with them is very limited, there isn’t the same level of friendship with them that I’ve had with older friends.
To some extent this is true anywhere, since once you begin your career, you simply have less time to spend with your friends because of work schedules, moving, marriage, general busyness, etc.
The biggest difference, however, lies in not having memories or personal history to reminisce with someone about. When the conversation turns to something or someone you’ve never heard of, or never experienced, your interest naturally wanes because you can’t identify with it.
This prevents friendships from growing or deepening, and results in ‘surface relationships’. In this regard, I still feel very disconnected from both people and churches.’
What is the essence of Christine's problem?
Firstly, I don’t think Christine understands the different ways you can belong at all. On this blog I've mentioned the 'four spaces of belonging' several times. They are: public, social, personal and intimate.
I think Christine is pinning all her hopes for belonging on one or two spaces.
She is effectively saying, ‘only the personal and intimate spaces are valuable relationships. The public and social spaces don’t matter. In fact, they are second best because they are only ‘surface relationships’.
Secondly: I don’t think Christine really understands all that is true about the Trinity and relationships. To relate to others the way God intended us to relate, we need to hold three things in balance: togetherness, difference and interdependence.
Christine loves togetherness. But she doesn’t really understand how difference can be a part of togetherness. She’s allowing her difference to be a separation from others, rather than a means of enjoyment. And she is not experiencing any interdependence. She doesn’t need the people she’s got around her. And she’s not allowing them to need her. There’s very little real give and take.
Poor Christine. Many people, especially those who have moved around a lot, know how she feels. But the reality is, we don’t have to feel that way, at least not forever.
If we start now to understand how belonging works, and what we can do to make it happen for us, we won't have to have a personal story like Christine's for too long.
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Turn the other
A small example of how this verse can work.
"You have heard that the law of Moses says, 'If an eye is injured, injure the eye of the person who did it. If a tooth gets knocked out, knock out the tooth of the person who did it.' But I say, don't resist an evil person! If you are slapped on the right cheek, turn the other, too." Matthew 5:38-39
From the age of 11 until the age of 15, I went to boarding school in the beautiful Himalayas in Pakistan.
The setting was incredible, but it didn't always transfer across to relationships. Like any teenage girls, we all had our fair share of difficulties with our friends.
In eighth grade, I was sharing a room with four girls, including one called Grace. Up until this point we had been reasonably good friends. But one day, very suddenly, she took a huge dislike to me, without telling me why. She wouldn't speak to me or look at me. She ignored me completely at meals, in the dorm room and in class. It was a small school, and this was actually pretty hard to do, but she made a great job of it. It was as if I didn’t exist any longer in her world.
I was very upset for a few weeks. I tried to get her to talk to me and tell me what I’d done, but she refused.
So after a while, I decided that she could be as ridiculous as she liked, but that I would still be pleasant to her. So every time I passed her in the hall, I said ‘hi Grace’. I smiled at her pleasantly. I asked her to pass things at meals, and I was as conciliatory as I could be, without being cloying or over the top.
She ignored me successfully for about six weeks. And then one day, came up to me out of the blue. “Can I talk to you?”
“I’m really sorry," she said. "I just decided I didn’t like you one day and I was unfair and mean to you. But you kept being nice to me, even when I was being horrible. And I feel bad and I need to apologise.”
We were friends again! We were never best friends again after that, but at least we had a pleasant relationship and were on good terms. And I felt secretly pleased that my Christian behaviour had worked!
"You have heard that the law of Moses says, 'If an eye is injured, injure the eye of the person who did it. If a tooth gets knocked out, knock out the tooth of the person who did it.' But I say, don't resist an evil person! If you are slapped on the right cheek, turn the other, too." Matthew 5:38-39
From the age of 11 until the age of 15, I went to boarding school in the beautiful Himalayas in Pakistan.
The setting was incredible, but it didn't always transfer across to relationships. Like any teenage girls, we all had our fair share of difficulties with our friends.
In eighth grade, I was sharing a room with four girls, including one called Grace. Up until this point we had been reasonably good friends. But one day, very suddenly, she took a huge dislike to me, without telling me why. She wouldn't speak to me or look at me. She ignored me completely at meals, in the dorm room and in class. It was a small school, and this was actually pretty hard to do, but she made a great job of it. It was as if I didn’t exist any longer in her world.
I was very upset for a few weeks. I tried to get her to talk to me and tell me what I’d done, but she refused.
So after a while, I decided that she could be as ridiculous as she liked, but that I would still be pleasant to her. So every time I passed her in the hall, I said ‘hi Grace’. I smiled at her pleasantly. I asked her to pass things at meals, and I was as conciliatory as I could be, without being cloying or over the top.
She ignored me successfully for about six weeks. And then one day, came up to me out of the blue. “Can I talk to you?”
“I’m really sorry," she said. "I just decided I didn’t like you one day and I was unfair and mean to you. But you kept being nice to me, even when I was being horrible. And I feel bad and I need to apologise.”
We were friends again! We were never best friends again after that, but at least we had a pleasant relationship and were on good terms. And I felt secretly pleased that my Christian behaviour had worked!
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
I hate being new
I love meeting people but I hate being new.
Some beautiful ladies invited me to a craft night tonight - and I went, and I liked it and I liked them, but I came home and felt all funny and odd, and itchy and out of place and annoyed and annoying.
I think it's that feeling of being the new person. It's a reaction against having to hold back a little, be polite, see the lay of the land, get the feel of the group, not overstep the mark and just ease into things.
Being new ruffles my feathers. It makes me feel out of place, uncomfortable and not quite sure of myself.
It's a good feeling to have because it makes me aware of how others feel when they are new. If I remember it, I can do better in helping them find their feet and their place in the crowd.
Some beautiful ladies invited me to a craft night tonight - and I went, and I liked it and I liked them, but I came home and felt all funny and odd, and itchy and out of place and annoyed and annoying.
I think it's that feeling of being the new person. It's a reaction against having to hold back a little, be polite, see the lay of the land, get the feel of the group, not overstep the mark and just ease into things.
Being new ruffles my feathers. It makes me feel out of place, uncomfortable and not quite sure of myself.
It's a good feeling to have because it makes me aware of how others feel when they are new. If I remember it, I can do better in helping them find their feet and their place in the crowd.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
