I'm baaa-aack

It's been a month since I posted last, and finally I am back.

In the last month, we have moved the contents of a four bedroom house (two truck loads), unpacked it in two days, slept, slept some more, lost our dog and found him again, went on holidays for two weeks, got creative about entertaining children in two weeks of rainy days, figured out grocery shopping, started new jobs, schools and preschools, and met a gazillion new people.

Amazingly, I'm sitting here incredibly relaxed and happy. This place - the village and the countryside around it - is just beautiful. Our house is fantastic. I can't quite believe how attractive and liveable it is. The children are content and it is all looking really good.

I have big plans to change this blog around over the next couple of weeks. I'm trying to work out how to combine all my blogs and writing stuff onto one site. If anyone's got any ideas on how to do that, I'd be happy to hear them!

Thanks for your patience (if you're still here) and I'm looking forward to blogging again.

Dog partay!

I had the most fun I've had for years yesterday at the party for our dog's eighth birthday. Yes, I know, it sounds completely ridiculous, but it was hilarious and joyous and fantastic.

It was all Jemima's idea, and seeing as my new principle is to 'say yes as often as possible', we decided to go ahead with it. She wrote invitations to four of the neighbourhood dogs and their families, set up the backyard, made phone calls and iced the (bone-shaped) cake.

The dogs arrived, and the children spent 10 minutes or so taking them over a jump/obstacle course. There were no fights, but we did have to keep the biggest, boisterous one away from the others, and some of them showed a little bit too much affection for each other... (both desexed males... what is going on?)

We then played 'duck duck dog' before cutting cake (for humans) and opening presents. The dogs got treats too - probably too many for the little one who was on a diet.

The children loved it, but I think we adults had more fun. We all just stood there and laughed for a full half-hour. Perhaps joy comes from such child-like things as throwing a dog party?

Jamesie boy

Our littlest is growing up. Here he is at 'Dad's Salon' which was set up one day to help encourage our 9 yo to experience hair washing as a positive thing. Jamesie wanted a turn too.

Recent Influences

Here are some of the more recent influences on my life and thinking. (General disclaimer: Of course, the Bible and my family have been and continue to be big influences.)

The RDI (Relationship Development Intervention) program that we do with our autistic son has changed my whole outlook on parenting and my children.

Arch Hart's books on depression and his Adrenaline and Stress continue to be helpful in understanding why I get grumpy on days off.

Cloud and Townsend's How People Grow is still an enormously helpful book to re-read about spiritual, emotional and personal growth. It keeps me connected to people and being honest.

John Holt's books have been huge in my thinking about education, school and children. Also Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting and his thinking on rewards and punishments. Supplementing these are Joyce Fetteroll's and Sandra Dodd's websites about living with children.

Looking at these, I can see that most of them have to do with children, at least on the outside. However, they have had a great impact on my whole life and attitude as well. The thing I have learned most this year is that I am always learning and everything is connected.

Candles

We got out some candles and wine glasses for our wedding anniversary earlier this month and the children loved it! They stayed at the table longer and we really had a fun mealtime. We've pulled them out a few more times since. It's a great incentive for the reluctant middle child to come to dinner and actually eat and we all have fun blowing them out afterwards.

Sausage rolls

This is to give the impression that I'm a better cook than I really am. I made an effort and pulled out the festering packet of puff pastry and the pork mince that was nearly going off in the freezer. They turned out pretty well thanks to Donna Hay's recipe. Too bad I don't like pork!

Unconditional parenting

I really enjoyed this book by Alfie Kohn. It's pretty easy to read and he offers convincing arguments to show that much of what we think is good parenting is actually just techniques for control. Once you're convinced, he then gives real help for changing the way you parent.

One of his big arguments is that our main question should not be "how do I get my child to do what I say?" but "what does my child need -- and how can I meet those needs?"

He says: To focus on children's needs and to work with them to make sure their needs are met, constitutes a commitment to taking children seriously. It means treating them as people whose feelings and desires and questions matter. A child's preferences cannot always be accommodated, but they can always be considered and they need never be dismissed out of hand. It's important to see a child as someone with a unique point of view, with very real fears and concerns and with a distinctive way of reasoning.

He gives 13 principles to help do things differently.

1. Be reflective.
2. Reconsider your requests.
3. Keep your eye on your long-term goals.
4. Put the relationship first.
5. Change how you see, not just how you act.
6. RESPECT
7. Be authentic.
8. Talk less, ask more
9. Keep the ages in mind.
10. Attribute to children the best possible motives consistent with the facts.
11. Don't stick your no's in unnecessarily.
12. Don't be rigid.
13. Don't be in a hurry.

Escape!

Mum lent me an incredible book the other day. It's the true story of a woman who was brought up in the polygamous cult and Mormon offshoot, the FLDS.


At 18 she asked her father nervously if she could go to college to become a paediatrician. Two days later she found herself married to a 54 year old man as his fourth wife. Her father had asked the 'prophet' of the group for permission, and he had said, yes, she could go to college, but to be a teacher, and she should be married before she went, and here's the name of her husband.


Her life was horrendous. Squabbling women and children, an abusive and power-hungry husband, a lack of money, emotional manipulation and physical abuse, eight pregnancies, three of them life-threatening and a son with a tumour.


Through it all, she was blamed for whatever went wrong. When they didn't have enough money for food, but her husband and his favourite wife were eating steak every night, her husband said, "You should be happy with what I give you. You are in rebellion to me." When she was stalked by a criminal with homicidal tendencies employed by her husband, he said, "You shouldn't encourage him. You are in rebellion to your priesthood head by your actions." When her son was deathly ill and her husband wouldn't allow him to go to hospital, she had to get her parents to help her 'illegally' to call an ambulance, and was then blamed for the whole thing. "If you were perfectly obedient to me, God wouldn't have cursed you with a sick son. It's all your fault."


Life got worse and worse until she took a huge chance and made a bid for freedom. She won custody of her children through the outside court system and is now living a relatively 'normal' life!


I'm particularly interested in the story because I've been so intrigued by the TV show Big Love, which is based in the same cult. Now I've got a lot of background information and more insight into the show.


Scary stuff, when women have no power and are completely dependent on a male patriarchal system for everything. And when it's preached as God's will... even worse!

Surprise package

I gave the children's talk at the Good Friday service, complete with silly facial expressions, overacting and needless dramatics. Afterwards, an older lady that I don't know very well came up to me.

"You're the surprise package of the year," she said. "I just thought you were this quiet little thing - a typical minister's wife type, but it turns out you've got a bit of personality."

That's the first time I've ever been called a typical minister's wife! Hee hee.

Division

“You’ve got to have clear boundaries between work and home.”

That’s a piece of advice we received frequently while we were studying at Bible college. With husbands working largely from home, making the distinction between what was work time and what was family time appeared to be very difficult for many other couples we heard from.

I’m starting to think that this sharp divide between ‘home’ and ‘work’ may be a false distinction – or at least a mildly unhelpful one.

Other advice we received drew similar distinctions. “Get enough exercise, eat properly and have a weekly date with your wife so you can talk to each other.”

Up until now I think I have seen my life divided up into boxes: work vs family, children vs my time, housework vs fun, exercise and diet vs playing and eating, education vs holidays.

Reading about homeschooling has given me a new perspective though. It seems obvious now that I say it, but it wasn’t obvious before. It’s all just life! What we do, what we love, how we live, where we go… all of it is just part of living, with no distinctions made.

My husband loves reading books about spiritual growth in the evenings. I could say “that’s work” and make him put it down, but it inspires him and he is moved by it.

As he ‘works’ in the day, he comes in and out of the living areas of our house, talking to the children and to me. We often have some of our most important discussions during the day. It might be nice to go out for a ‘date’ but the purpose would not be to ‘talk’ to each other.

So am I saying that ‘workaholism’ is ok, as long as you’re passionate about what you’re doing? Well no. I think workaholics are escaping something else – perhaps relationships, perhaps pain from the past.

What I’m talking about is living holistically – seeing all of life as important and integrated, not focusing on some things to the unbalanced exclusion of others. Workaholics do not ‘live’ – they work. (Although, having just watched Amazing Grace.... was William Wilberforce a workaholic?... Why do the people who achieve most seem most unbalanced?...)

It seems to me that the only distinction the Bible makes is between the six days of normal life and the one day of Sabbath rest. Without trying to be legalistic, I am challenged to rest as God intends and find out what that means and how it feels.

For now, it’s exciting for me to see the barriers I had erected melt down before my eyes.

Things I did today

Made plum jam (we have a plum tree).
Ate three strawberries, a cucumber and a yellow baby squash from the 'patch'.
Did the grocery shopping with three children. They were great helpers!
Cleaned out the fridge after seeing that nothing fitted in it when I went to put the groceries away. It was disgusting. (Next is the pantry cupboard???)
Stewed six peaches, rescued from the back of the fridge. Inedible fresh, but fine to cook.
Three loads of washing done from dirty, through to wet, hung out and then folded and put away.
Experimented making banana pancakes for Bright Eyes. He wouldn't eat them, but his sister loved them.*
Went for a swim in the neighbours pool.
Had a hot bath after the swim. (It was freezing).
Therapy with Bright Eyes.
Talked to my children.
Wiped up several litres of water from the kitchen floor. The baby loves to pour and re-pour from pot to kettle. He makes a mess, but he has fun, and it keeps the floor washed.
HAD NO NAP!
I feel normal again.

*Whizz a banana, an egg and some almond meal (or substituted flour or carbohydrate). Fry as per pikelets in a buttered pan. Apparently yummy, although I don't like bananas so I didn't partake.

Christmas shopping

A Twist on the Golden Rule

Here's a story from a book I've been reading this week. I've reviewed Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline in my book blog. Follow the link on the right.

A woman walked three days across India to see Mahatma Ghandi and ask for his advice. When she gained an audience with the old man, she told him her problem.

"I can't get my son to eat healthy food. He will only eat sugar. What can I do?"

Ghandi pondered and then replied that she would have to go home and return next week for the answer.

The woman walked home the three days, and then set out again the next week to see the Mahatma again.

When she reached him, he remembered her and had an answer ready. Turning to her son, he said firmly, "Don't eat sugar."

The mother was a little puzzled. "Why did I have to go home and return for that answer? Surely you could have told me the same thing last week? I've walked for nine days to hear this."

"No," said Ghandi. "You had to come back this week because it took me a week to stop eating sugar myself. I can't tell someone to do something that I myself will not do."


Food for thought. How many times do we tell our children, or others to do things that we either are not capable of, or not willing to do ourselves?

Growth or death

I've been thinking of my life as boxes to be filled. Every time I 'achieve' something, that's a box packed neatly and put away. (I prefer to pack big boxes rather than little ones, but sometimes I'll take whatever I can get.)


This way of thinking leads to a great deal of frustration however. For example, the housework box gets 80% packed every day, but then someone comes and tips it all out again. I seem to spend my hours packing and repacking the same box. No wonder I feel mad.


I think I've had the wrong picture in my head. Life is not about 'achievement' or filling a box. Putting such arbitrary boundaries around things is not a sane way to view them. There is never a beginning or an end to a story.


Now I'm thinking of my life as a circular journey. I'm on my way somewhere and every part of what I encounter is useful to the journey.


So I might not be able to 'fill my big box' of writing a book right now because I'm too busy living with small children. But I'm learning how it feels to be under pressure. I'm learning how depression can feel and what it means for relationships. And all of these learnings will be great material one day when I write it all down! (Anyway, once I write that book, there'll be another one too... another frustration of the box picture.)


It's freeing to be clearing out my boxes. I've decided life is either growth or death. I'd rather grow.

Family Chocolate jobs

I am rejigging the morning routine. Last term our mornings were hectic, cranky, stressed and too short. Sooooo....

We are all getting up half an hour earlier. (Yes, I have to go to bed earlier to make up for it...) The extra time gives us the space to get all the jobs done and eat breakfast comfortably.

Instead of straining to hear the news on the radio, we have given up Adam Spencer and 2BL (sniff sniff) and are playing gentle classical music instead. This makes everyone less tense and gets rid of early morning information overload. We feel more relaxed as we eat and get ready.

With all the extra time, I have instituted a new tradition - Family Chocolate Jobs. We all gather in the kitchen and work together to unload the dishwasher.

Obviously, different ones are capable of different things. I’ve considered it a success so far if the two year old will stay in the room and a brilliant success if Bright Eyes the four year old will take glasses back and forth in his toy dump truck! The bulk of the work is done by daddy and daughter.

At the end, we have a family hug and congratulate each other, and then have a small square of (dairy free gluten free) chocolate before heading into the lounge room for a half hour of morning kids TV.

My mother is a gem

Here is a reason to be sick. Your mother may come to visit and clean your kitchen for you.

My mother has the gift of cleaning.

She finds dirt that I cannot see (or perhaps choose to ignore) and she removes it.

She reminds me to buy new, shiny dishcloths and more dishwashing liquid so that next time she comes she won't have to work with substandard equipment.

She rubs and scrubs until the entire kitchen shines. It is something I seem unable to achieve for myself, so I am very grateful when it happens for me via her capable hands.

There is an upside to feeling sick.

Housework must go

I did a very interesting exercise the other day with a counsellor I see on and off.

In the middle of the table, she put down 30 little tokens. These tokens represented my available time and energy. Around the tokens I then put out different coloured pieces of paper. These represented different parts of my life such as being a wife, being a mother of my most difficult child, being a mother of the other two, social life, time for myself, my writing, church ministry and the housework.

I had to allocate tokens to each piece of paper to show how much time and energy I put into each area of life at the moment, and then how much I wanted to put into each area of life.

It was a very illuminating exercise to actually see where I put my efforts in a physical form.

A few things came up. I want to put more energy into writing and our marriage. But to do that means cutting down on something else. And hopefully it is the thing that eats up so much of my time... the dreaded housework.

I came away from the exercise trying to think creatively about how I can reduce or reorganise the housework (without getting a cleaner, which I can't afford), hopefully including all the rest of the members of the family so that we do it together.

We're about to have two weeks of holiday, so I'll use that to have a break from the current routine and then introduce some changes!

Time with children

Do we have enough time for our children?

Many parents complain about the press of daily life and the rushing around that we all seem to do. "Work-life balance" is the catchcry of our times.

There are a few simple ways to ensure we spend enough quantity and quality time with our children.

First is just doing normal everyday 'stuff' together. Unpacking the dishwasher, hanging out the washing, sweeping the patio, cleaning the pool - these are all opportunities we have to spend time with our children.

Little ones love to help and if we give them tasks that are appropriate for their abilities, they will feel competent and enjoy themselves.

Second is talking around the dinner table. This is such an important part of family interaction that it is regularly used in studies to assess the quality of the home environments for young children.

Third is chatting in the car on our way to wherever we are going! Let's not be tempted to always tune out and put on the radio. There are plenty of opportunities to talk to our children in the back seat.

She gets it from me

My brain loves to organise and get things done, even if my body doesn't always follow suit. If I see a problem, my first thought to solve it is to make a chart, draw up a list or create a system.

My eight year old daughter seems to have inherited this tendency. Yesterday she ruled up and wrote out a weekly roster with her toys' names on it.

"It's so that I'll play with them all and not leave them out," she explained.

Missionaries in the family

Tomorrow our family says a temporary 'farewell' to my brother, sister in law, and cute little neice and nephew as they head off overseas on missionary service for a few years.

They are heading to an undisclosed country (but you can all guess where it is) in South Asia to take up a ministry in engineering for a Christian company.

And yes, it is a ministry in a country where corruption rules and shonky buildings are the norm because of kick-backs and skimming off the top. In a recent earthquake in the region, the Christian-built hospital was the only building that stayed up. It was the centre of help and ministry to thousands of people who lost everything.

I wish them well and I'll be praying for them!