Friendship and small talk

I had a fun enough day that I felt energised enough to do some more work on my book about friendship.

Do you avoid making and maintaining social relationships through small talk? If so, why?

Is it because you are shy, angry or tired?
You might be an introvert who finds that talking to people takes a lot of energy. I’m introverted and I need my space, but my eight year old daughter is a complete extrovert. We differ in the amount of time we can spend with others, but we both need – and want - relationships. We just do it slightly differently.

When I’m angry, I often don’t feel like making the effort. Sometimes, however, that’s when I need others the most, to bring me some perspective, or some solace. There’s nothing as good at changing an angry mood as spending time with positive people.

Tiredness is another matter. That’s when I find it best to get into bed and get a decent night’s sleep. I’m far more able to cope with others after my eight hours.

Do you not really like people?
Do you fear others? Did you grow up in a family that kept others out or complained about people all the time? Have you been badly hurt by someone? It’s well worth exploring any issues there may be in your life, either by yourself or with a trusted friend or counsellor.

Are you too busy?
I’m an organised type of person who tends to be ‘task-oriented’. I focus on the job I’m doing, often to the exclusion of the people around me. I’ll leave a conversation so I can finish what I’m focusing on right then. Because I’m good at doing things, I also usually have about five things to do at once.

I often think, “Once I get everything done, I’ll sit down and talk.” The trouble is, everything is never done. And when it is, I find other things to do. Doing things makes me feel important and in control. Talking to people means giving up some of my importance and control, so it’s threatening.

Task-oriented people like me need to find a way to keep people as priority number one.

Do you avoid small talk because you simply lack the skills?
Some people did not grow up in families where these things were known or taught. As adults they avoid these kinds of interactions because they just don’t know how to do it.

If you’re no good at small talk, start listening to people who are good at it. You might pick up some tips.

Benazir

I felt sad and shocked to hear about the political assassination of Pakistan's Benazir Bhutto today.

You can't get rid of opposition by squashing it or killing it. The more force is used to suppress people, the more the potential for the eventual backlash will grow.

This will have big implications for our world.

Personally, I had an odd connection with Benazir. She was kept under house arrest for a large part of my primary schooling in the house across the road from our school in Karachi. I was scared of the bayonet-toting guards who patrolled her fence line and often thought about her not being able to go out and be free.

This week

Conjunctivitis. None of the children had it. Why did it happen to me? I’m a grownup!

Money. I'm feeling marginally better about the need for $72,000 to be raised by February to keep us here next year.

I decided that everything is uncertain, even when you don’t know it’s uncertain. Heck, I could die tomorrow. ("Morbid," says my husband. "As usual, you're thinking about death.")

Equally, everything is certain because God is in control. So there’s really no point worrying and I can’t do anything about it anyway, except send 160 Christmas cards out to everyone in the parish with a family photograph, just so they won’t forget who we are*.

Superhero. Apparently I am one because I jumped fully clothed into the pool yesterday to save the baby who had launched himself out from the step and was sinking down into the bottom, completely out of his depth.

Actually, it was a calculated move. I had already looked at the scenario of three little kids playing on the pool steps, thought about the possibility of any of them dying (Morbid? Or practical!) and decided that I would be prepared to get my white linen pants wet for the sake of a still-breathing child.

Metal detector. I used one for the first time on Saturday, in our garden, to look for the car key which the two year old mislaid. He loves keys and Must Have Them. Silly me let him play with them. They are not in the garden, so they must be inside... but where? Now, without a key to one of our cars, I am actively pursuing other ways to start it. Anyone know how to hotwire a '94 Saab 900i?


*I had already started doing the cards anyway before we were told about the financial situation. My intentions were completely honourable and relationship-oriented.

Christmas shopping

It's God's will...

I enjoy watching Survivor and analysing the behaviour of the winners and losers. Hearing the reasons why people think they've been voted out is very enlightening. Bossy ones think they are misunderstood and targeted. Lazy ones think they did their best. There's almost no-one who has a realistic or healthy view of their own achievements or efforts.

This week in Survivor China, Leslie, a Christian radio host was voted off. Why? According to her, it was God's will. She just came to love others for Christ. It was God who got her on, and it was God who took her out.

True enough, in a broad view.

The short-term, more human view, is that she was voted off because she was truly the most annoying person in the tribe. She was cloying, overly sweet, a little bit patronising, too talkative and extremely naive in the way she played the game.

I hate how Christians put all the blame on God for what happens to them, when if they just took a good look at themselves, they could see a whole lot of problems which cause their circumstances.

God might have put her on, but it was more likely the producers who could recognise an annoying team member when they saw one. And God might have taken her off, but it was her own behaviour to her tribemates which riled them enough to write her name down.

Investment or relationship?

“I made sure I invested in a few really good friends so that I would have enough support.”

“Those people are really good value.”

“These people are leaving our group? Oh well, they didn’t do anything anyway.”

If you hang around my circles you would have heard expressions like these frequently in the last couple of years.

I understand what the expressions mean, but they make me feel uncomfortable. They use the language of money, possession, acquisition and price for people and relationships.

It shows me that our culture continues to commodify people. We link value to achievement. We use friends for our own ends instead of enjoying a person for their own sake.

I scoured Proverbs recently, looking at its language of friendship. ‘Be’ a friend occurs many times. It’s the language of existence, identity and relationship.

On the other hand, the language around the concept of wealth and money brings up the ideas of deceitfulness, hoarding and never being satisfied.

I’m interested in the language of friendship you use.

Enough said

Yes. I think I am now the woman of a certain age.

Patience

This picture is proof that people can grow more patient.

Call me crazy, but I decided to cook with not one, but two little boys the other day. I never cooked anything with my first child when she was under three because I hated the mess. I certainly didn't let her get like this.

This time, however, I didn't really care. I'm so much better at cleaning it all up. Plus, I have both a washing machine and a bathtub, and enough water to use them.

The important thing was that the children had fun and did something together with me.

I used to wonder how patience grew. Change of attitude is key I think.

Christmas season

It got to the first of December and the children (well, I say 'children' but I mean 'child' - the only one who comprehends Christmas enough to know that there is a tree, and we have one and we can put it up) were desperate to decorate.

Pretty

This is a 'Double Delight' rose from our garden. We planted three bushes in autumn and they have gone crazy in the last few weeks.

There is nothing more beautiful than a vase of home-grown, fragrant roses.

Sorry, don't be offended!

I've been going to a support group at the early childhood intervention centre locally for a few weeks. The small group of ladies and the leader have been very frank about how we all cope with our difficult children, often to the point of using strong language.

It came out last week that I am a 'minister's wife', and I was amused this week to see the different attitude towards me, now that I'm classed somewhere in the 'holy, therefore easily offended' league in their minds.

The most amusing was from the leader who was advising another lady to not worry about what other people about her little boy's ADD behaviour. "Stuff 'em, it doesn't matter!" she said, and then turned to me with apologetic eyes. "Sorry, but you know what I mean."

Surely, either you care what other people think or you don't!

Personally I don't like it when people assume that I can't cope with their bad language. Heck, I watch TV like the next person. I know what's out there. I might not enjoy it if it's excessive, but I don't want to be apologised to as if I was so fragile and delicate and not able to cope with the evils of the world.

I wonder if Jesus got apologies for other people's use of bad language?

Quotable

Tears are God's washing machine for the soul.

Depressed? Try expressing yourself

The Bible was not written by Australians.

If Australians are depressed, they might say something like, "Mate, I've been, you know, a bit low... yeah."

In contrast, the Bible paints vivid word pictures to describe Job's depression.

Why is life given to a man whose way is hidden,
whom God has hedged in?
For sighing comes to me instead of food;
my groans pour out like water.
What I feared has come upon me;
what I dreaded has happened to me.
I have no peace, no quietness;
I have no rest, but only turmoil.
Job 2: 23-26

I like it that the writers of the Bible are not afraid to express sadness and fears in their fulness. I often try to minimise my own sad feelings because I think I'd be just 'going on' and having a whinge. So it's an encouragement to have words and thoughts bigger than my own when it comes to talking about how I feel.

Coconut kefir

I was completely and utterly delighted today to find in the supermarket a green drinking coconut.

I have been wanting to make young coconut kefir drink for some time. I tasted something like it at the Allergy show and was hooked!

What is it? Basically, a non-dairy, pro-biotic drink with lots of goodies hiding inside. It tastes fizzy and slightly sour.

You get the juice out of the coconut, add the kefir grain and let it sit for a day or two.

Hopefully the children will take to it. I'll add it to their juice!

Blog

This blog has been a little quiet this week because I've been tired tired tired, with a headache that is possibly connected to the ache in the hole where my wisdom tooth used to be. (Apparently this is not normal, and I have to go back to the dentist. Great!!)

With a dodgy body, I've had no thoughts beyond 'poor me' and 'how can I feel better' and 'how and what can I get my children to eat', all of which is a little dull to blog about. In order to feel better I've given up drinking tea and eating sugar (truly!)... it hasn't worked yet, but it may...

Salad for a month?

Would you eat salad greens that were a month old?

Soon you may be able to. And, in a scary twist, you may not be able to tell the difference between the old and fresh.

It's all because of an emerging technology based around something called 'nano-particles'. Nanotechnology will mean that food will be able to absorb chemicals from its packaging, keeping it from spoiling and giving it a longer shelf life.

Apparently, and thankfully, nanotechnology is not legal in Australia, but there is no law that says companies can't use current ingredients of food in a nano-particle form.

Some food technology spokesperson was on the radio this morning, when I heard this story. His comment was, "We don't know what the risks are, if indeed there are any risks..."

No risks? Come on! Food is good for us because it has been living. It is best when it is fresh. If chemicals can alter food, they are going to alter our bodies in some way. It's bad enough that the big chains spray their produce with preservative before putting it out on the shelves. If nanotechnology comes in, you won't find me shopping with the 'Fresh Food' people any more.

The average person eats a heck of a lot of preservatives every day, in every snack and in every meal. I wonder... do our bodies actually rot when we hit the grave, or have we discovered a new form of embalming?

Give me real food, not chemicals.

Things I....

I've been unwell and tired for more than a week, plus having sick kiddies. Not fun. Here are some thoughts I've had swirling for a while.


Things I've learned from...

... my husband
play my own game, tell the truth, have fun.

... my dad
have a broader perspective, challenge myself, give it a go.

.... my mum
loyalty, persistence, take the harder option, serving others.

... my big brother
honesty, cheerfulness, have a sense of humour.

... my little brother
stick to the long-term goal, pack light.

... my sister in law
be thankful for good pregnancies, love requires sacrifice, take the drugs.

.... my pop (and nan)
enjoy what you have and be generous with it, don't be so uptight in car parks.

... my aunty
relax, it'll be fine, be even-tempered

... my cousins
Look fabulous while you do all of the above!

How to describe a tummy ache at the age of eight

I try not to mention my children too much on this blog, but I have to share my daughter's latest articulation. She's eight, and she has trouble getting to sleep quite often, with a sore tummy.

Last night she said, "My tummy feels trembly and quite uneasy and I seem to have a terrified, shocked feeling all through my body."

I think she's going to be a writer...

Small talk and the social space

So now that we’ve seen how important small talk is for good social relationships, here’s an example of how not to do it.

My family had a holiday travelling around England for a month when I was 16. One Sunday we decided to visit the local Anglican church for their morning service. It was a cute little church, with a tiny congregation. Our family of five doubled the numbers and tripled the volume of the singing.

Afterwards, everyone stood politely outside on the grass together.


Now if I was in a congregation of less than five people, I would be keen to find out just who this family of visitors was. Where had they come from? Were they going to stay? Would they like to come to lunch?


One or two of the parishioners talked to my parents. This was their conversation:
Parishioner: “It’s a beautiful day today. Glad to see the sun’s out again.”
Dad (in an obvious Australian accent): “Yes, we’ve been enjoying the weather since we’ve been here. You have a beautiful church here.”
Parishioner: “Mmm yes. We had a lot of rain last week.”
Dad: “Oh really? We hadn’t arrived here then. There was no rain where we were.”
Parishioner: “Well, this time of year is always unpredictable. Pause. Have a pleasant day.”


No-one asked my parents one single question about themselves. They simply were not interested. They used small talk to be polite and to fulfil their obligations, but their purpose was to avoid our family and keep us out.


Used properly, small talk is absolutely essential to relating in the social space, but there are ways to misuse it. Some people are experts at chatting in a way that looks polite and appears gracious, but in fact they are not giving anything of their real selves away.


Small talk, used badly, can be selfish, cold, manipulative or defiant.

Social space and small talk

I have often heard Christians say that they feel frustrated with their church congregations because as people mingle after services there are not many ‘deep’ conversations going on. They feel annoyed that most conversations are about ‘surface’ things.


I wonder what it is that they want exactly. Would they put any conversation about God, the Christian life, faith, or even the sermon into the ‘deep’ basket?

If we can understand the value of small talk and social space relationships, however, we will be less frustrated. Small talk builds relationships.


Christians need to relate in the social space and build relationships this way, even at church, no less than other people. Perhaps what’s needed is to start to bring God into our small talk in a comfortable way?

Life according to Brad... not! III

More from my friendship book about relating in the social space...


In the days before chat rooms, blogs and internet friendships, having a ‘pen-pal’ was the way you got to know people from other places.


In seventh grade, when I was learning French, I had a pen-pal from France, who was learning English. One of the very first things we did was exchange photographs of ourselves. Having a picture of each other in our heads was an important part of getting to know each other.


Imagine that you are one of those instant polaroid cameras. Every time you have a interaction in the social space, it is as if you are spitting out a snapshot of yourself to give to the person you’re talking to. Your small talk is the picture you give out of yourself.


From the pictures you give out, and the pictures that are given to you, you are able to decide if these are people you want to get to know better.



Do you have something in common with them? Do you have a similar sense of humour? Do you find them interesting? Is there a natural connection? Could you safely share more of yourself with them, and begin to talk about the things that are important to you?

Life according to Brad... not! II

This is a continuation of the last post, about relating in the social space.


What are the ‘important things’ anyway?


Brad liked discussing philosophy, theology, politics, history and of course his bike trip. He put a high value on ideas, facts, theories and the things he had done. He dismissed topics of conversation like clothes, food, weather, sport, children or birthday presents. To him they had no value, or even a negative value.


But food, clothes, weather, children, parties and sport are all given to us by God. To treat them as worthless and pointless is devaluing the life that God has given us. So no, small talk is not worthless, for the reason that all parts of life are important.

In some situations, Brad’s attitude of “Skip the small talk, get to the point” may be a reasonable thing to say. But it is only if getting information or a doing a task what counts at the time, and if you are with people who are doing the same task and have the same attitude.


Police TV dramas typically show terse police officers focusing intently on solving their case. Their conversations are short and to the point because they are all involved in their task.

The fact is, however, that in the real world, there would definitely be some hurt feelings if we spoke like this to each other all the time – even when we’re at work. People are emotionally involved with each other. We could be at work, in the bank, in the library... anywhere.


If it’s a social space, the appropriate way we establish, maintain, monitor relationships is through talking, and especially through using small talk.

Life according to Brad... not!

This is from the next chapter of my book on friendship. I'm talking about how we relate in the social space.


Going to a small boarding school in the Himalayan mountains of Pakistan, our circle of friends was fairly small. We didn’t get to meet too many new people.

But Pakistan attracts people who like adventure. A young Christian couple who were cycling around the world passed through our area one year. They dropped in and spent a few days hanging out with the staff and high school students.

I remember Liz as pleasant, friendly and interested in everyone. But Brad, her husband, was a different story. He remained in the corner of the room, either talking earnestly with a small group around him or silently watching everyone else. To my young eyes he appeared aloof, arrogant, distant and unfriendly.

What was the difference between them? Liz said, “Oh, Brad doesn’t like small talk. He only likes to talk about important things.”

She said it with such pride and delight that I was thoroughly impressed.

Brad was clearly a person who had thought his life through. He obviously had it all together and was a serious Christian. All the rest of us who continued to enjoy talking about such things as makeup or sport were clearly not as mature as Brad.

Was Brad right? Is small talk worthless? Are conversations that centre around things like the weather, health, sports results or food trivial and pointless? Should we forget them and just talk about the ‘important things’?

Clap your hands!

More from Becky Bailey's child-rearing wisdom:

Principle: Focus on what you want, not what you don't want.

My middle child has a tendency to push his little brother around. I have told him not to do it until I am blue in the face and it has not had one iota of an effect.

Bailey would say I am focusing on what I don't want to happen - ie. the pushing. Her solution would be to say to him what I actually do want to happen.

So instead of: "Don't push him!" I have been saying: "When you push your brother he feels sad. You need to keep your hands next to your own body."

It has changed things for the better. And in the car it works a treat. We did a lot of "hands on your head", "Let's clap our hands together" and "You can touch your nose" on our hour-long trip to Sydney yesterday.

If you think about it, it makes sense from a lot of angles, but especially because the positive instructions are the last words that are implanted in their head. Instead of keeping an echo of "...push him" in their ears, they remember "...clap hands".

Praise - discouraging?

Becky Bailey in Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline, believes that all encouragement is not necessarily helpful.

The forms of praise that she says can be discouraging are:

Too much general, all-encompassing praise. This can unduly burden your child and pressure her to live up to unrealistic standards. Eg. "You are always so sweet and helpful."

Too much praise that relies on value judgments, so that 'good' equals pleasing others and 'bad' equals not pleasing others. Children who make honest mistakes may believe they are 'bad' and become perfectionists. They also may grow up to be very hard on others.

Praise that focuses on what you think about the child's behaviour. He may conclude that he is only lovable when he pleases his parents or teachers.

Only praising for accomplishments. Children need to learn that the process of putting away toys (for example) counts just as much as the product of a clean toy room in the end.

Praising by comparing to others teaches her that in order to be valuable you must be special. Such statements say, "I only want the best" and promote competition over unity.

So what else is there? These are the ways I praise my children all the time. I don't know any other ways to do it!

Bailey offers two ways to encourage our children so as to promote a healthy sense of belonging.

1. Notice your children rather than judging them. Children want and need to be seen. Just giving them your attention is encouraging in itself. Feeding back to them what they are doing strengthens their frontal lobes and promotes language development and a sense of self.

Basically, parents should be like a polaroid camera for their children. If my daughter has just mastered a cartwheel and wants to show me, I can go and look at it. Then, instead of saying, "Well done, how clever you are", I can take a virtual snapshot and give it back to her like this: "You put your hands down in a perfectly straight line and your feet went right over your head. You look just like a wheel. You have worked so steadily on this for a long time, no wonder you can do it perfectly now."

Children ask to be seen, not judged. If we replace seeing with judging too often, the excited four year old who shouts "Watch this" becomes an anxious eight year old who asks, "Did I do this right?"

2. The second way to encourage your child comes from linking her actions to enjoyment and satisfaction rather than tangible rewards.

When we rely on material rewards, we teach children to value things more than relationships. Studies have shown that rewards decrease the quality of a child's performance, although it may increase the quantity. If a child will get a prize for reading 20 books, he may choose the 20 shortest books to rush through, rather than enjoying 20 books each for its own sake.

Punishments teach children to fear adults and rewards teach them to please adults. People pleasing may make 'nice' children, but it may lead to succumbing to peer group pressure in the teenage years.

Encouragement

I'm being challenged by the book Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky Bailey so I want to share my findings. Of course, it also means I don't have to have any original thoughts for my blog...

A 1997 study found that on average a child heard 432 negative comments daily, compared with 32 positive ones.

Becky Bailey* says that the way we speak to ourselves will be the way we speak to our children. Do we focus on our strengths or our weaknesses? Do we think about what we are doing, or what we should be doing? Do we accept ourselves or always want to change something?

"If you routinely discourage yourself, you will unconsciously discourage your children," says Bailey.

An encouraging home has neurological benefits for children's developing brains. But discouraging homes shape brains that are prone to depression, violents, addictions and impulsivity.

We need to be more encouraging and praising of our children. And ourselves. We need to use more positive language in general.

But... watch out. All praise and encouragement is not created equal. More about that tomorrow!


*in Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline

An interesting thought.

If your theology is crooked,
when you rest on it,
it will break.

A Twist on the Golden Rule

Here's a story from a book I've been reading this week. I've reviewed Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline in my book blog. Follow the link on the right.

A woman walked three days across India to see Mahatma Ghandi and ask for his advice. When she gained an audience with the old man, she told him her problem.

"I can't get my son to eat healthy food. He will only eat sugar. What can I do?"

Ghandi pondered and then replied that she would have to go home and return next week for the answer.

The woman walked home the three days, and then set out again the next week to see the Mahatma again.

When she reached him, he remembered her and had an answer ready. Turning to her son, he said firmly, "Don't eat sugar."

The mother was a little puzzled. "Why did I have to go home and return for that answer? Surely you could have told me the same thing last week? I've walked for nine days to hear this."

"No," said Ghandi. "You had to come back this week because it took me a week to stop eating sugar myself. I can't tell someone to do something that I myself will not do."


Food for thought. How many times do we tell our children, or others to do things that we either are not capable of, or not willing to do ourselves?

Growth or death

I've been thinking of my life as boxes to be filled. Every time I 'achieve' something, that's a box packed neatly and put away. (I prefer to pack big boxes rather than little ones, but sometimes I'll take whatever I can get.)


This way of thinking leads to a great deal of frustration however. For example, the housework box gets 80% packed every day, but then someone comes and tips it all out again. I seem to spend my hours packing and repacking the same box. No wonder I feel mad.


I think I've had the wrong picture in my head. Life is not about 'achievement' or filling a box. Putting such arbitrary boundaries around things is not a sane way to view them. There is never a beginning or an end to a story.


Now I'm thinking of my life as a circular journey. I'm on my way somewhere and every part of what I encounter is useful to the journey.


So I might not be able to 'fill my big box' of writing a book right now because I'm too busy living with small children. But I'm learning how it feels to be under pressure. I'm learning how depression can feel and what it means for relationships. And all of these learnings will be great material one day when I write it all down! (Anyway, once I write that book, there'll be another one too... another frustration of the box picture.)


It's freeing to be clearing out my boxes. I've decided life is either growth or death. I'd rather grow.

Answers

I've been enjoying reading the book of James for the last few days. It's had some answers for a few of my anxiety problems.

*******

The brother in humble circumstances ought to take pride in his high position. But the one who is rich should take pride in his low position, because he will pass away like a wild flower. For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich man will fade away even while he goes about his business.
James 1:9-11

I've been thinking about how to accept my little autistic son as he struggles through life without the ability to read social nuances that most people have. At the same time I've been concerned that I'm not getting to do my 'projects', which seem all important in my mind. This passage puts both those problems together and turns worldly wisdom on its head.

*********

Listen, my dear brothers: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love him?
James 2:5

'Poor in the eyes of the world' can take many forms. In the end, it's not about how well my son can work a room, but how much faith he has in God.

********

Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins.
James 4:13-17

This is so me. I have all these big plans that seem so important. But the older I get, the more I realise I just don't know what's going to happen next. Putting myself in the same category as 'mist' is a little deflating if I see myself as all important. But if I see my life as God-given, God-supported and God-directed, that's a whole lot better. The last verse stands out too. I do know the good I ought to do right now and that's to be the very best parent with God's grace I can be right now. So that will keep me going today.

Books

There's a link to the right to a new site where I'll be reviewing books I'm reading. First one is a novel by Maggie O'Farrell - check it out.

Head spin

Note to self: don't even try to have Bible readings when you're sick!

I sat down this morning, on my second day of recovery after a night in emergency with a vomiting bug, ready set to have my quiet time. Turned aimlessly to Zechariah and started a head-spinning read about Zerubbabel, Joshua the high priest, women in baskets and fast horses.... what????

Words were floating all over the page so I finished up with a quick "God-help-me-today-I'm-going-to-need-it" type prayer. As it turns out, I did, and he did.

Daylight &*#$@ Saving

Whinge.

Hate daylight saving.

Hate the hour jet-lag I personally feel.

Hate the fact that at the changeover time where you're supposed to get more sleep (April) because of the extra hour, you actually get less sleep because the children still wake up at the same time - 6am new time instead of 7am.

Hate the Spring changeover time because you get less sleep again because you just don't feel like going to bed an hour 'earlier' than last night, and you then have to wake up at some ungodly hour the next morning, and the kids are still asleep when it's 8am instead of 7am, and you have to wake them up and they're cranky and you have no time in the morning to get things done before they all have to go off for school, and you have to have dinner at 4pm (old time) and the kids aren't stupid, they know that you're trying to put them to bed an hour earlier than yesterday.

I've lived in Australia for 18 years now. I've been losing 2 hours of sleep a year because of government-legislated daylight saving. That's 36 hours, which is a day and a half. I'd like that sleep given back to me as a tax break please, in four nine-hour blocks.

Stress

I've been very very anxious this week. Tight jaw, headaches, losing and forgetting things and my nervous tic, the twitchy lip.

The problem is that I'm worried that I'll never have enough time or energy to write the books I want to write (and every month I have a new idea for one). I'll never have time to study to be an RDI consultant and work with autistic children. I want to be fit and healthy, but I haven't made it to a pilates class yet this year. Perhaps I should have more children, but I don't have enough time. I have heaps of ideas for sewing and making quilts, but I don't have enough time. I really want to finish knitting my scarf and cool beanie, but I don't have enough time.

Of course I understand that if I keep worrying about what I haven't done yet, I'll die of stress disease early, which would be an ironic proposition.

It seemed easier when I was younger. There was more life stretching out ahead of me, but I'm nearly halfway through now and I've hardly done any of it yet.

What's the answer here? Get used to the idea that I just won't be able to achieve everything I want to? How can I live with that? I need some help.

Satisfactorily solving small problems

Velcro dots
These have revolutionised our lounge room. Rather than yelling "Where's the remote control?" every morning (kids TV) and evening (big kids TV), we now know it is hanging neatly on its velcro dot. We have a place for it. It doesn't get lost any more.
Time saved: 2-3 minutes per day, 18 1/4 hours per year.

Elastic
This has solved the problem of the missing hairbrushes which used to be a plague every morning. We now have two hair brushes tied to long pieces of elastic and fastened to two convenient points in the house.
Time saved: 3-4 minutes per day, 24 1/3 hours per year.

New vacuum cleaner
Happily, our old vacuum died this week. We have replaced it with a whiz bang flashy dashy bagless version which shows us just how much dirt it can pull up. We were appalled to see just how dirty our carpets really were! Let's hope it makes a difference to the three of us who are allergic to dust and mites, and the one who is allergic to dog hair.
Sneezes saved: 2-3 per person per day, 3200 per year.


If anyone can give me hints on easy ways to solve on the following problems that still irritate us, I'd be most grateful.
- Losing keys
- Losing wallets
- Losing mobile phones
- Leftovers festering in the fridge

Alter-ego

A friend gave me this card the other day. It turns out there is a whole catalogue of cards, gifts and even t-shirts featuring Cecily! The scary thing is... I even look like her.

46... really?

For the record I was born in 1973. That makes me 34 years old. And it's true I was having a bad bad hair day, but I was still a little shocked when the eight-year old said, "Mum, you look pretty old. You've got a lot of wrinkles."

"Do you think I look older than Sarah?" I asked her.

"About the same," she said.

"What about Glenys or Belinda?" I asked.

"Oh, they're a lot younger than you," she said.

Uh, uh. The whole lot of them are more than three years older than me - one up to five years older.

The next day, just to rub salt in the wound, my daughter said in deep thought and consideration, "Mum, I think you look about 46 years old."

Man, I gotta get my hair done.

Sentimental bloke

I often sit here at the 'new post' screen and start to write something a little more meaningful than funny, a little more heavy than lighthearted.

I'll put down two or three paragraphs and then press delete in disgust. It doesn't sound serious. I don't seem to be able to convey the right tone. It just sounds cheesy. Even sentimental.

We've been to a number of secular 'ceremonies' recently and I have been struck by the sentimentality that is so easily spoken in vows and promises and blessings.

Things like: "Some friends are not with us today. But we know they are with us in spirit, and are here with us in our hearts."

Are they? Is anybody thinking about them at all? Are they really there in spirit, or did they just give a negative reply to the invitation because they had a better offer on the day?

Things like: "Our love will go on like a river, never ending, always fresh."

Nice thought. Too bad the lovers in question ended up in an argument by the end of the night.

Why is it that when we try to be meaningful, it so often ends up as sentimentality?

I think that when we what we say is based on truth, it will not be sentimental. It's when we have hopes or dreams that are fanciful, or based on a denial of reality, or on a utopian hope for the future that has never yet been fulfilled - that's when these things become sentimental.

My aim is to always tell the truth.

Family Chocolate jobs

I am rejigging the morning routine. Last term our mornings were hectic, cranky, stressed and too short. Sooooo....

We are all getting up half an hour earlier. (Yes, I have to go to bed earlier to make up for it...) The extra time gives us the space to get all the jobs done and eat breakfast comfortably.

Instead of straining to hear the news on the radio, we have given up Adam Spencer and 2BL (sniff sniff) and are playing gentle classical music instead. This makes everyone less tense and gets rid of early morning information overload. We feel more relaxed as we eat and get ready.

With all the extra time, I have instituted a new tradition - Family Chocolate Jobs. We all gather in the kitchen and work together to unload the dishwasher.

Obviously, different ones are capable of different things. I’ve considered it a success so far if the two year old will stay in the room and a brilliant success if Bright Eyes the four year old will take glasses back and forth in his toy dump truck! The bulk of the work is done by daddy and daughter.

At the end, we have a family hug and congratulate each other, and then have a small square of (dairy free gluten free) chocolate before heading into the lounge room for a half hour of morning kids TV.

Beyond my ability

I never thought of the Apostle Paul as ever being at his wits end. I imagine him as the guy who copes through it all, his faith miraculously sustaining him, with always a smile or the right thing to say.

So I was a little surprised to read in 2 Corinthians this week when he wrote that “we were hard pressed beyond our ability to endure”.

Sometimes I feel hard pressed beyond my ability to endure. It’s at those times I tend to sink into little emotional pools of mud. I forget to pray and feel completely hopeless. I guess Paul may have felt like that too.

I love the words that he wrote next, “...but God delivered us”.
There’s a lot of comfort to be had from the fact that God knows what we can endure, and he will deliver us if we ask him.

And from those very difficult times and that deliverance come a wealth of strength which we can use for others.

I love the difference in tone between 1 and 2 Corinthians. The second letter is clearly written after Paul has suffered great wounds. Every word is love and comfort and comes deep from his heart which is sunk deep into God’s heart.

What do you think of this?

Here's a picture of the house we have just made an offer on.

It's an old two bedroom terrace in Goulburn and it is absolutely gorgeous! I have never seen a room so aptly described as 'sun-drenched'. And they didn't even mention that word in the ad!

We are feeling pretty excited about it, even though we won't be living there... at least not until we're 65.

Holiday highlights

Things I enjoyed on holidays

Looking at the water
Eating bacon and eggs (a lot)
Walks around the headland with my daughter
Watching Hairspray
Seeing the children enjoy playing on every playground we could find in the locality
Spending time with Pop
Catching up with some old friends
Hitting the op shop
Being really messy
Not doing the washing
Coming home!


(Unfortunately, on doing the last item in the list, I'm paying dearly for the second last item...)

Holiday happiness

We're off on holidays for two weeks, so I won't be blogging. Will I survive without it...?

See you soon. xxx

My mother is a gem

Here is a reason to be sick. Your mother may come to visit and clean your kitchen for you.

My mother has the gift of cleaning.

She finds dirt that I cannot see (or perhaps choose to ignore) and she removes it.

She reminds me to buy new, shiny dishcloths and more dishwashing liquid so that next time she comes she won't have to work with substandard equipment.

She rubs and scrubs until the entire kitchen shines. It is something I seem unable to achieve for myself, so I am very grateful when it happens for me via her capable hands.

There is an upside to feeling sick.

The girl who ate nothing but cake

I think my eight year old daughter may have inherited my 'gift' of anxious imagination (see previous post). Here is a story she wrote at school entitled 'The Girl Who Ate Nothing but Cake'.

Once there was a girl called Hattie. She ate nothing but CAKE!! One night she grew SO FAT. She couldn't fit in the car to go to school but she managed but she couldn't fit in the school room. So she did not have school work to her discugst but because she was still stuck so she died.

Hypochondria and death

I think about death almost every day. Not in a gruesome way, but in a "what would I do if...?" sort of way.

For example, husband might be ten minutes late. My mind goes straight into "It would be bad if he had a car accident. I hope he's ok. What if he died? How would they tell me? What would I say? Where would I live? What would we play at the funeral? How will I get on with the children on my own. I don't think I'd marry again..."

Or I hear a story about a child dying and think, "That would be awful. How would I cope? Would I have another baby? How would I tell the other kids? etc etc"

Or I feel slightly ill in the stomach and think, "Heavens - what if I have stomach cancer and I have a long prolonged drawn out death. How would I say goodbye to everyone? I'd have to write down instructions for husband about the children and make sure they were ok..."

As a child I frequently worried about mum and dad dying. It was good I knew that I'd be living with my aunty and uncle, although I was a little concerned that they'd have too many people to look after with three extra children and two of their own...

The good part about this habit is that I have made sure I have enough life insurance and super to survive should anything happen to my husband. The bad part about it is I think I am slightly hypochondriacal. Also, my husband rarely takes me seriously if I am concerned about an ongoing health problem.

"Oh, you just think you're going to die... don't worry about it!" (He says it in a nice way though.)

Is this a normal thing? Or am I the queen of panicky hypochondria?

PS. I do feel ill today. Woke with a throbbing headache. Read on the internet that waking up with a headache can be a sign of brain tumour.... here we go again.

Housework must go

I did a very interesting exercise the other day with a counsellor I see on and off.

In the middle of the table, she put down 30 little tokens. These tokens represented my available time and energy. Around the tokens I then put out different coloured pieces of paper. These represented different parts of my life such as being a wife, being a mother of my most difficult child, being a mother of the other two, social life, time for myself, my writing, church ministry and the housework.

I had to allocate tokens to each piece of paper to show how much time and energy I put into each area of life at the moment, and then how much I wanted to put into each area of life.

It was a very illuminating exercise to actually see where I put my efforts in a physical form.

A few things came up. I want to put more energy into writing and our marriage. But to do that means cutting down on something else. And hopefully it is the thing that eats up so much of my time... the dreaded housework.

I came away from the exercise trying to think creatively about how I can reduce or reorganise the housework (without getting a cleaner, which I can't afford), hopefully including all the rest of the members of the family so that we do it together.

We're about to have two weeks of holiday, so I'll use that to have a break from the current routine and then introduce some changes!

Vegies

Introducing my homegrown cauliflower, surrounded by its friends, coriander and cos lettuce.

I am currently enjoying it in the form of a rather tasty vegetable soup for lunch.

In the news

In the news today were three items of interest to me.

First was the announcement by Russell Crowe that in his football club (Souths - who my husband has supported through all the lean years) there will be no gambling poker machines when it reopens next year.

Kudos to Crowe and his business partner. The reason I generally avoid clubs is because of its heavy reliance on gambling income to prop up its business.

Some figures I heard today (and I cannot verify their correctness):
70-80% of club income comes from gambling
50% of that gambling money comes from people who have gambling addictions.

Also in the news, the terrible story of the young Chinese mother who was living in New Zealand with her husband. Her body was found today in her husband's car outside her home. She was most likely murdered by her husband, who then fled to Los Angeles via Melbourne, where he abandoned their three year old daughter 'Pumpkin' at a train station.

Domestic violence is real, horrible and tragic. It's not limited to one group of people or culture or socio-economic level. It is everywhere. We must expose it and condemn it.

Finally, I heard this story. A woman who is suing her doctor over a twin birth after more IVF embryos were implanted than she wanted. They want the doctor to pay the $400,000 or so it will cost to bring up the 'extra' child. I wonder if she has worked out which is the baby she wanted, and which is the one she doesn't want!

IVF and in fact, all reproduction, is not an exact science. You can't just 'make babies' on demand. They come, and they don't come, and sometimes you just don't know what you're getting, or when you're getting it. Assuming we have control over conceptions and births is kind of sad.

Time with children

Do we have enough time for our children?

Many parents complain about the press of daily life and the rushing around that we all seem to do. "Work-life balance" is the catchcry of our times.

There are a few simple ways to ensure we spend enough quantity and quality time with our children.

First is just doing normal everyday 'stuff' together. Unpacking the dishwasher, hanging out the washing, sweeping the patio, cleaning the pool - these are all opportunities we have to spend time with our children.

Little ones love to help and if we give them tasks that are appropriate for their abilities, they will feel competent and enjoy themselves.

Second is talking around the dinner table. This is such an important part of family interaction that it is regularly used in studies to assess the quality of the home environments for young children.

Third is chatting in the car on our way to wherever we are going! Let's not be tempted to always tune out and put on the radio. There are plenty of opportunities to talk to our children in the back seat.

Memory

My first memory comes from when I was 19 months old. My little brother had just been born, and my grandma was taking me and my older brother to the hospital to see him.

We were in a corridor and I was trying to reach up to see through the window into the baby nursery, but I was too little. My big brother tried to boost me up to see, but in the end grandma picked me up on her hip.

I have other memories following after this time - a favourite red dress, having a photograph taken with my cousin, playing in a willow tree.

Many of my memories are from before the age of 3, so I was very interested to read in Awakening Children's Minds that the large majority of people have no memory of themselves before this age. It is a phenomenon called 'infantile amnesia'.

Some researchers believe that in order to build an autobiographical memory, a children must have a well-formed sense of self - as a person who remains the same on the inside over time. Such a psychological self is not usually in place until the age of 3 or 4.

In addition, this kind of memory relies on the ability to organise personal information into a narrative form so that they become part of a life story.

I'll be interested to see what my children can remember as they grow older.

Child development

I'm reading a book entitled Awakening Children's Minds by Laura E. Berk. It draws a middle line between the old nature vs nurture debate on who or what really influences a child.

"At very young ages, when children are just beginning to acquire culturally valued skills, they depend almost entirely upon interactions with more expert cultural members to make sense of their experiences.

For example, when researchers tested 3 year olds to find out what they remembered about a visit to a museum, the children recalled only information they had talked about with their mothers; everything else had been forgotten."

"Development... cannot take place without parents and teachers as thoughtful and committed participants in children's lives. Parents and teachers are leaders in awakening children's minds and fostering their development."

Back on my book

Today's blog is the introduction to chapter 3 of my new book on friendship. I've been working on it tonight and don't have time for anything else fresh!

Relating in the public space

I’m a little bit embarrassed to say that I love reality TV. I especially like what I call the ‘fish out of water’ shows. Whether it’s the mums of two different families swapping houses for a fortnight, or an Aussie family going to spend a month with an African tribe, I like the idea of seeing how people react when they don’t belong.

Comedy films are sometimes based around this basic premise. Think of the oldie ‘Crocodile Dundee’, where Mick Dundee, a bushie from the Northern Territory gets transplanted to New York City. He’s never seen so many people in his life, he can hardly understand the accent and he doesn’t know why people look at him oddly when he says hello to everyone he sees on the street.

Then there’s Legally Blonde which dumps Elle Woods, a pink-loving Californian ditzy blonde and her pet chihuahua Bruiser with matching accessories into the middle of the serious, cynical, academic world of Harvard Law School.

The laughs in these shows come from watching the people who are the ‘fishes out of water’ learn the rules and find their place and some sort of acceptance in their new environment. We cringe as we watch them flounder and we cheer when they finally find their footing.

All of these shows are dealing with the idea of public belonging. In other words, they look at how people relate in the public space. In a previous series on belonging and friendship (check out the links to the right if you're reading this on my blogsite) we saw how public belonging occurs when people connect through an outside influence.

Mick Dundee was connected to his Aussie mates through his love of the bush and his pursuit of crocodiles. He expressed his belonging by the way he looked, the things he said and the cultural rules he followed.

Elle Woods belonged to the Californian sorority scene and clearly didn’t fit into Harvard Law. Just the way she walked down the corridor and tilted her head in class told everyone around her, “I’m new here and I don’t understand the rules.”

I Love You Rituals

I was lent a wonderful book entitled "I Love You Rituals" by Becky A Bailey.It's full of little finger games and rhymes to play with a young child.

Even better, though, she has some great advice on helping your child to learn, to stay calm and focused and to yes, behave!

Something I found helpful were her words on noticing and giving feedback. Any parent knows that the words "look at me mum and dad" can go on forever.

Most of us have had a conversation like this:

Kid: (twirling around) "Look at this Mum"

Mum: (reading) "Oh, great. Mm hmm."

Kid: (two seconds later) "Mum, look at me. Look what I'm doing."

Mum: (looking down at book and in monotone) "Yep, I'm watching. You're fantastic."

Yeah right. I'm not watching at all!

Bailey says that research shows that children's brains need constant feedback in order to grow and develop. Giving feedback that is specific and tailormade to the occasion is far more useful in the long run than pretending to look and approve or even giving praise.

So the conversation above would ideally sound like this:

Kid: (twirling around) "Look at this Mum"

Mum: (watching) "You're twirling around. Your head is going around and around."

Kid: "I'm going around and around."

Mum: "You're still doing it. Your feet are working hard. You must be getting dizzy."

Watch out if you're on my Christmas list and you've got little children - you now know what you'll be getting!

Good and bad

Good list
House is clean and tidy
Dinner was good (lamb curry)
My vegie patch cauliflower is growing
A nap in the middle of the day
Husband had a day off
Got all my autism therapy videoing done and processed.
I'm feeling better.

Bad list
The kids today are called 'Poo-boy' (two diarrhoea explosions), 'Banshee' (incredibly clingy and teary) and 'Mumpo' (yes, we think she might have mumps). Enough said.
I've lost a book someone lent me, as well as a toy from the toy library.
I feel fat.

She gets it from me

My brain loves to organise and get things done, even if my body doesn't always follow suit. If I see a problem, my first thought to solve it is to make a chart, draw up a list or create a system.

My eight year old daughter seems to have inherited this tendency. Yesterday she ruled up and wrote out a weekly roster with her toys' names on it.

"It's so that I'll play with them all and not leave them out," she explained.

Domestic violence series

What are the things that stop a woman from leaving an abusive relationship?

Here's a quick list, taken from Horley's book Power and Control.

- The power of a charming man who creates an emotional dependency between the two of them.
- Emotional entrapment, saying sorry and pleading on the man's part
- Love that still exists
- Pure fear that if she gets away, he will come after her and the children
- Fear of being alone after being convinced that they are worthless and unable to cope
- Feelings of guilt and shame that she is somehow to blame for the abuse
- Hope that everything might just get better
- Stigma of divorce and being publicly known as a 'battered wife'
- Belief that parents should stay together no matter what
- No one to turn to, after being isolated from friends and family for a long time
- Financial dependence
- Nowhere to actually go - few shelters and public housing that is unsuitable
- Having to move children around is unsettling for them
- Belief that police reactions will be unsympathetic

"Ending any relationship is a painful and complex process for anyone. There will be ambivalent feelings, attempted reconciliations, hopes that things will improve, feelings of guilt at leaving, anxieties at facing a new life. But for an abused woman, the trauma is doubled. It's easy to say glibly, "Women have a choice - why don't they leave if it's that bad?" But do they really have a choice? " ~ Horley

Domestic violence series

Here's an edited excerpt from the book Power and Control - Why Charming Men Can Make Dangerous Lovers by Sandra Horley.

'Why does she stay with him?' is invariably the first question everyone asks when they hear that a woman is being abused by her partner.

It's a question that always irritates me because I find it irrelevent. My whole thesis is that a woman does not cause her husband to be abusive. Why a woman stays with an abusive man is not the point. The real issue is: Why do men abuse women in the first place, and how can we prevent it from happening?

Whenever I hear someone say, "Why does she stay?" I tell them they should turn the question around and ask, "What stops her from leaving?"

"Why does she stay?" implies that there is something wrong with an abused woman, that she is somehow different from other women, that she is somehow responsible for ending the abuse. That of course is a myth: a woman can unwittingly find herself in a relationship with an abusive man. And once she is caught up in the Charm Syndrome, it can be very hard indeed to get out.

"Why does she stay?" also suggests that a woman has control over her own life - but it is Charm Syndrome Man who has all the real control.

It is important to understand the enormous odds a woman is up against, in order to see that the real point is not why she stays, but what a triumph it is when she is able to leave. Indeed it is a miracle that she can cope with her predicament at all, at the same time as looking after her children, holding a job, maintaining her sanity and so on.

Teenager Again

I am trying to come to grips with the Facebook phenomenon.

For those of you who are unaware of Facebook, it's an internet network where you can enter your profile and information about yourself plus photographs, and then connect up with people you know or have known in the past. It seems to be exploding - there are more and more people signing up every day.

I have made connections with lots of people I knew from high school days. On one level, it's really fun to see what they look like now (20 years later) and read about what they are doing.

On another level, it is bringing up all sorts of odd feelings for me. I almost feel like a teenager again when I look at my 'friends' pages and read their messages.

I guess that would be fine, except that I didn't find being a teenager particularly wonderful. High school was reasonably hard in terms of relating to people in our small fishbowl type boarding school. In the 20 years that have elapsed I have grown and matured and become much happier being me.

So it's bizarre to take up again with some of the people I struggled so much with in those years.

I'm not sure that I'm happy with Facebook. I want to ignore it and never look at it again, and put all of that teenage angst behind me. On the other hand I have a bit of an obsessive fascination with seeing all the people from the past.

TV

I absolutely never ever watch TV during the day. I feel positively evil, vile and lazy if the TV is on when there's a perfectly good day outside and loads of things to do.

So it was almost a crisis of conscience to be feeling still sick enough today and decide to stay in and watch not one video, but two in a row.

I thought it was probably the only way I would actually rest. Normally I walk around the house thinking, "I'll just sit down now... oops, no, the washing needs sorting... oh, look, the table needs a wipe down.... oh hang on, the kids forgot to make their beds... gee, I feel rotten..."

So I had the delightful company of Elle Woods in Legally Blonde I and II this morning. Amusing, light and fun. The weather outside was suitably grey so it was a very good day for convalescing.

Missionaries in the family

Tomorrow our family says a temporary 'farewell' to my brother, sister in law, and cute little neice and nephew as they head off overseas on missionary service for a few years.

They are heading to an undisclosed country (but you can all guess where it is) in South Asia to take up a ministry in engineering for a Christian company.

And yes, it is a ministry in a country where corruption rules and shonky buildings are the norm because of kick-backs and skimming off the top. In a recent earthquake in the region, the Christian-built hospital was the only building that stayed up. It was the centre of help and ministry to thousands of people who lost everything.

I wish them well and I'll be praying for them!

What am I here for?

When I was lying on the floor the other night, thinking "hmmm, this is what it would feel like if I collapsed and was about to die", my reasons for sticking around became very clear.

Of course I wouldn't want to leave my husband and family and friends, but they are all adults and they would cope, although I hope they might be a bit sad.

However, I still have a lot to do with my children before I'm ready to leave them, especially little Bright Eyes. They are my ongoing work in progress.

I also thought of another young person who I would have trouble leaving because I feel very involved in her life and I want to make sure she's alright in the future.

Interestingly, though, I also thought, "I can't go - I haven't written my books yet." None of my other career aspirations came to mind (and there have been a number over the years) so the writing is obviously a strong push. I told my husband this and he said, "Well, you'd better get on and write them then, hadn't you!"

I'm not dead yet...

... but I had a little scare.

It was an adventurous Sunday night. I was perfectly fine up until I woke at 3am feeling quite ill and thinking, "I need to get to the toilet". I made it, but the next thing I knew, my husband was shaking my face, pouring sugared water down my throat and saying, "Are you ok? Can you hear me?"

I had passed out onto the floor and couldn't move and could hardly speak. It felt like I was standing off to the side, wanting to answer and thinking, "I'm fine", but the body just wasn't working.

After 10 or 15 minutes I thought I wouldn't make it back to bed and asked to go to the hospital, so my dear husband called 000 and the ambulance came to collect me.

I spent the next eight hours in hospital on a drip, having my (low) blood pressure taken and was discharged later that morning.

The cause? Unknown really. Probably just a virus says the doctor today. I've slept for the majority of the last two days and I'm feeling steadily a little better, but don't worry Mum, I'm planning to TAKE IT EASY for the next week or so.

In fact, I'm petering out now, so will stop typing....

(Thanks for your good wishes and the offers of help and the delicious quiche dropped around... yum yum. At least I'm hungry.)

Power and Control

I'm back to depressing topics and am still interested in finding out more about domestic violence and abuse. This week's reading has included a book entitled Power and Control - Why Charming Men Can Make Dangerous Lovers* by Sandra Horley (2002, Vermilion).

The book deals particularly with abused wives or female partners in a domestic relationship. Horley makes the point that she prefers the term 'Woman Abuse' to 'domestic violence' or 'relationship abuse' because the abuse is one-way, not two-way.

Because the abused women do not invite violence, or incite it, or deserve it, and because nothing they can do will stop the abuse, you cannot fall back on the old principle of 'it takes two to tango'.

Woman Abuse happens because the male partner has a need to control. He sees his wife or partner as his property and he has a strong need to call all the shots. He chooses violence or emotional abuse as the means of control. The abused woman can do nothing to stop it, short of leave.

According to Horley, the words 'domestic' and 'relationship' help perpetuate the idea that the woman is partly to blame for what is happening to her.

She presents a strong case for a different type of wording. I might be more specific about how I term this problem in future posts. Look out for more on the pattern of charm and control, myths about woman abuse and some of the reasons it happens.


* Just would like to state for the record that my husband is charming, and not dangerous.

Vegie garden update II

I was nearly about to pull out the cauliflower plants because I thought the flourishing leaves were just wasting the nutrients in the soil, but I just decided to check one more time before I did....

Just as well, because I have two cauliflowers growing!

He he he. I'm a vegie gardener...

Hospitality

Our week in Sydney was a very useful and worthwhile occasion. (See here for what it was all about.)

It was made positively enjoyable, however, by the gracious, generous and kind hospitality shown to us by the friends we stayed with.

They cleared out the top half of their house for us, bought funny food, and gave up their very relaxing harbour views for a few days so that we could be comfortable.

It was an easy house to be in with three children, and they were easy to be with.

Thanks, and love!

Gingerbread mania

Our daughter's birthday party was very successful. I judge success in the following ways.

- I had everything done before the party started.
- Children (and some parents) came.
- They ate and drank happily, with no cordial and only marshmallows as lollies on the table. Yes, there was other food...
- They made and decorated their cookies with enthusiasm and enjoyed the games.
- They went home.
- The house got cleaned up and I sat and watched a video for the rest of the evening.
- My daughter beamed the entire day.

One of our activities was making, baking and decorating gingerbread cookies. My sister-in-law, who is American, wanted to know the logic behind calling these 'cookies' when we call every other type of sugary/wheaty snack 'biscuits'. (I think it is to do with the idea of it being home-made, but my mother pointed to the ongoing Americanization of our language...) Sister-in-law has recently become an Australian citizen, but is yet to master the finer points of culture.

Today some parents of the party-goers complimented me on the taste of the cookies. They must have pinched them out of the children's bags when they were asleep. For the record, here's the recipe:

115g/4oz unsalted butter, softened
115/4oz brown sugar
1 egg, beaten
115/4oz golden syrup
400g/14oz self-raising flour
5ml/1 tsp ground ginger
2.5ml/1/2 tsp cinnamon
1.5ml/1/4 tsp chilli powder*

Cream butter and sugar. Beat in the egg and golden syrup. Soft in dry ingredients. Gradually mix to make a stiff paste. Turn out onto a board and knead gently until smooth. Wrap and chill for 30 minutes. Then bake at 180C for 10-15 mins until golden brown.


We're away for four days. See you all soon!


*The secret ingredient is the chilli. It adds a beautiful little bite to the ginger.

Today

Doing
Making huge amounts of gingerbread in preparation for the daughter's eighth birthday party tomorrow. It's a themed 'gingerbread party'.

Reading
Switching between three books as usual. (1) Nourishing Traditions by Sally Fallon - a cookbook based on a completely different philosophy to the usual low-fat-is-healthy beliefs. (2) Can't remember the title, but it has lots of accounts of people who suffered abuse (physical, emotional or sexual) as children, how it affected them and how they have gotten over it. (3) The White Masai by Corinne somebody. She fell in love with a Masaai warrior when on holidays in Kenya and turned her life upside down to be with him and get married. Too bad it didn't work out...

Thinking
About birthday parties. Trying to work out what is causing Bright Eyes' latest tantrums. About maybe changing his diet to a very strict one called the 'Specific Carbohydrate Diet'. Wishing I had a housekeeper.

Watching
My brother and sister in law's DVD on their preparation to be missionaries in South Asia. It was very good and made me teary.

While Daddy's away, the kids will play...

... nicely, hopefully. Or not.

Daddy was away this week for three days. In that time, each of the three children got sick, one on each day.

We also had our daughter's eighth birthday, which unfortunately Daddy missed. It was shaping up to be a good day, except for Daddy not being there, when she gave me a hug and turned her head wrongly and cricked her neck and ended up having to stay home from school all day in pain!

She was understandably very disappointed and a bit sooky, so with her moping around and Campbell recovering from a temperature and James getting into everything, it was a bit of a long day.

It wasn't as bad as it might have been though. She said two wonderful things to me at lunch time.

The first: "Mum, you know, I'm glad I had this sore neck. I really understand how Jesus felt on the cross when he died for us."

The second, on watching me prepare lunch, wipe up messes, deal with tantrums and fights and everybody's noise and demands: "Mum, I feel really sorry for you. You work soooo hard. Is there anything I can do for you?"

Vegie garden update

I planted the vegetable garden about three months ago. Here are the ratings.

Poor: cabbage/cauli/broccoli variety seedlings. I have lots and lots of leaves and absolutely no cabbage, cauli or broccoli. Perhaps I should eat the leaves in stir-fry?

Medium: cos lettuce and baby spinach leaves. Obviously need more water than I give them as they are a bit tough.

Still alive: chives and strawberries. Good for the strawberries - they'll last until the warmer weather, but I'll pull out the chives because I haven't eaten any.

Raging and rampant success: coriander! I have never ever before succeeded with coriander and this time I have a bushy plant that just doesn't die! I look forward to my weekly Sunday night omelette with tomato, cheese and coriander very much!

Refiner of silver

I read this in a newsletter this week and found it tremendously encouraging.

Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.

The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it."

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

Domestic violence series VI final!

Alright, I've been on depressing topics long enough. Here's the last word about domestic violence, quoting from Tracy's article.


Domestic violence is an astoundingly complex problem which defies quick, simple solutions.


Abusers have deep-seated wounds and pathologies that have existed for many years, as do battered wives.


The dynamics of abusive families are complex and well-hidden, making it very difficult for outsiders to know the truth, let alone offer a wise response.


Hence, working with violent families calls for a partnership with various agencies, wise leaders and professionals. A major part of the action step is to help victims and perpetrators of domestic violence in getting professional counselling.

Domestic violence series V

Should an abused wife or family member leave? The answer from this article (see previous post for details) is a very strong yes. I've heard it from other counsellors as well. How can healing take place if the abuse is continuing? It must be a terribly hard thing to do though. A lot of support and love and trust would be needed.



While an abused woman with no children has strong biblical warrant to flee an abusive husband, she has additional warrant (even a mandate) to do so if she has children. Jesus pronounced the most severe judgments on those who cause one of the little ones (children) to stumble (Matt 18:1-10).


Abusive husbands cause tremendous long-term physical, emotional and spiritual damage to children, even if they only physically abuse the mother. (And roughly half of men who physically abuse their wives also abuse their children.)


When young children merely witness domestic violence, the trauma exposure creates long term physiological changes, including permanent structural alteration and damage to the brain.


Additionally, we know that girls who grow up in physically abusive homes are several times more likely to be physically and sexually victimised in adulthood due to the emotional damage of childhood abuse (even simply witnessing it).


All of this shows that growing up in a physically abusive home, whether or not one is actually beaten, is extremely damaging and certainly ‘causes little ones to stumble’.


Separation from an abusive husband is ethically important for the well-being of the woman because domestic violence creates serious physical, emotional and spiritual damage. And Scripture does not commend enduring avoidable suffering.


Christ avoided physical assault by hiding (John 8:59). Paul and David also repeatedly fled physically abusive civil and religious authorities. Clergy should advise battered wives to flee from abusive husbands or family members and should assist them in every way they can to find safety and physical security.

Domestic violence series IV

Still quoting from the article by Steven Tracy entitled 'Clergy Responses to Domestic Violence'. I find it interesting that I have never heard domestic violence mentioned in the pulpit, in all the years I have been attending church. Why is this?

Some clergy are often silent about what needs to be said, namely that God hates abuse, and that domestic violence is sinful and unacceptable. This message is urgent for the whole congregation, but can be particularly empowering for abuse victims.


In one study of battered Christian women, when asked what they needed most from the church, abused women indicated two primary needs. They said they needed (1) the church’s recognition that violence against women and children is a problem even in the church and (2) a straightforward condemnation of domestic violence from the pulpit.


The condemnation of physical abuse is a dominant theme of Scripture, particularly in the Hebrew prophets. There are hundreds of Scripture passages that condemn abuse and proclaim God’s particular judgment on physical abusers. For instance, one of the seven sins that God hates is ‘hands that shed innocent blood (Proverbs 6:17).


Repeatedly God declares judgment on abusers, whether they are part of the covenant community (Ezekiel 9:9-10) or whether they are pagans (Amos 1:3-15).


It is very empowering and encouraging for abuse survivors to hear their ministers declare from the pulpit “God hates abuse”; “God promises to judge harshly all unrepentant physical abusers”; “There is never any excuse for touching someone close to you in anger.” These statements are solidly biblical and need to be proclaimed from the pulpit.


Scripture makes it clear that God hates violence and calls his people, particularly spiritual leaders, to be assertive in protecting the abused and the vulnerable (Prov 24:11-12, Isaiah 1:17, Jeremiah 22:3).

Clergy must take seriously all reports of domestic violence, must never minimize abuse victims’ concerns and must be willing to confront abusers boldly and offer practical assistance to victims.

This includes helping victims of domestic violence to develop a safety plan and access safe housing (community shelters or a family in the church) and assisting with financial needs.

Domestic violence series III

I find this part of the article on domestic abuse (see two posts ago) pretty scary. Let me say upfront, as a clergyman's wife, that I think the clergy responses below are bad, naive and very, very wrong.



To quantify clergy beliefs about domestic violence and divorce, a questionnaire was sent to more than 5,000 Protestant ministers in the US.


A full 27 per cent of the clergy who responded said that if a wife would begin to submit to her abusive husband, God would honour her obedience and the abuse would stop (or God would give her the grace to endure the beatings).


Almost one fifth of respondents indicated that no amount of violence from an abusive husband would justify a wife leaving, and only 2 per cent of pastors said they would support divorce due to domestic violence.


One battered wife shared that after her husband beat her, “I went to my minister then, and his reaction was “What’s your husband’s favourite food?” and I said “Pork chops.” “What’s his favourite dress?” I told him and he said “I want you to go home and put on that dress and make him pork chops and honour your marriage vows.”


Sadly, submission does not stop abuse. In fact, it often serves to intensify it because it gives an abusive husband a greater sense of power.


A 1986 Bureau of Justice Statistics survey concluded that women who reported their abuse to authorities were far less likely to be reassaulted than the wives who submitted to the abuse and did not contact the authorities.

Research on domestic violence in fact reveals that the woman’s behaviour actually has little bearing on the abuse. That is, abusive men do not abuse because of what their wives do or not do; they abuse because of complex internal pathologies beyond the wife’s control or responsibility.

Domestic violence series II

More quotes from the article about domestic abuse (see previous entry). Who does this stuff? And why?




Abusers cannot be visually identified, but they do have some notable behavioural characteristics.


The first and most consistent characteristic of physical abusers is a pervasive denial of responsibility. They simply refuse to own their destructive behaviour.


They do this by shifting the blame for all their abuse and/or by minimizing the abuse itself... They say that abuse if wrong, but what they did was not abuse. Or they say that their wives forced them to hit by being such a nag, by disrespecting their authority, by not meeting their needs, etc.

Domestic violence series

I mentioned a few weeks back that the issue of domestic violence has been on my mind recently, and things keep popping up about it everywhere I go! This week I read a great piece about it in a Christian periodical, so I've decided to spend the next few posts quoting from the article.

The article is called Clergy Responses to Domestic Violence by Steven R Tracy. It comes from Priscilla Papers, vol 21, no 2. Spring 2007. It's 5000 words long, and most likely copyright in its entirety, so I'm pinching bits and pieces. Everything below is a direct quote unless indicated otherwise, but the quotes are not necessarily in the same order in the article.

Domestic violence is an issue that is probably more common than most people think, but no -one talks about... ever!


Domestic violence is the use or threat of physical violence to control a family member or intimate partner. In other words, it is the use of force to control someone who should be treated with great love and respect.

Domestic violence involves more than just acts that cause physical injury. It involves both the use of physical force and the threat of physical force to control another. And domestic violence that does not cause actual physical injury does cause emotional/psychological injury.

Various research studies reveal that physical and sexual abuse rates are not appreciably lower amongst the churched than the unchurched, but are shockingly high.

[A 1989 study by the Christian Reformed Church (US) based on adults’ self-reporting of previous abuse found that] 28 per cent reported having experienced at least one of three types of abuse – physical abuse or neglect, sexual abuse or emotional abuse.]

In general, 22-33 per cent of American women will be assaulted by intimate partners in their lifetimes.

The Surgeon General (US) has reported that domestic violence accounts for more adults female emergency room visits than traffic accidents, muggings and rapes combined, and is the greatest single cause of injury to American women.

Fog in head

I didn't eat dinner with the kids last night. I like to wait until they've gone to bed before I make my Sunday night two-egg omelette with cheese, tomato and fresh coriander.

I could feel my blood sugar dropping a little, but didn't worry about it too much as I thought I could last the half hour before 7pm when the oldest goes to bed.

We were playing chess and were on our second game when all of a sudden I looked at the board and thought, "I don't know what colour pieces I am playing with. And which way do those pawns go? Up the board or down?"

It looked like a dreadful mash of black and white and I said to my daughter, "You win. I can't play. I've got to eat."

The same thing happened again today. I was sorting the washing mid-afternoon and thought, "I don't know what piece of clothing I'm holding, nor which pile it goes on."

It happens pretty regularly. I rarely know what day it is, and never the date. Whenever someone asks me "how has your week been?" I have to say, "I honestly don't know because I can't remember."

Brain fog. It makes me feel for my boy who has learning problems! He must feel like this all the time.

Makes you think

I read this modern day 'parable' yesterday*.


The man lay in the street, bleeding, the hit and run driver gone. He needed medical help immediately but he kept pleading, "don't take me to the hospital please".

Surprised, everyone around asked "why not?"

"I'm on the staff at the hospital," he said. "It would be embarrassing for them to see me like this. They have never seen me bleeding and dirty. They know me as clean and healthy."

"But hospital is just the place for you. Can't we call an ambulance?" they answered.

"No, please don't. I took a pedestrian safety course and the instructor would criticise me for getting hit," he said.

"Who cares what the instructor thinks? You need medical attention," they said.

"Well, the administration clerk would be upset too," the man answered. "She always gets upset if anyone who's being admitted doesn't have all the details they need to fill out the records. I didn't see who hit me, and I don't know the make of car or licence number. She wouldn't understand. She's a real stickler for records. Worse than that, I don't have my medical insurance card."

"Why is that such a problem?" they asked.

"Well, they won't recognise me in this state, and they wouldn't let me in if I don't have the card. They must be sure it's not going to cost them anything. They protect the institution. Look, just pull me over to the curb. I'll make it some way. It's my fault I got hit. Why should the nurses get their clean uniforms dirty with me? They would criticise me."

With that, he pulled himself up and stumbled to the curb, trying to stem his own bleeding.

The question for us is this. The church is the place for healing for sinners and the sinned-against in this world. But will we help or criticise?


*quoted in a book called Healing Memories by David Seamands, but originally by Fred Smith of Dallas, Texas.

More belonging

Our church is doing a bit of a thing on 1 Corinthians at the moment. We're up to chapter 12 and the exposition about spiritual gifts and it fell to me on Thursday night to lead the young adults bible study on this topic.

We had questions about what spiritual gifts were, and what it meant to be one body with many parts. Then we came to some practical questions for our week-to-week church life. We were asked to think about how to encourage people in our congregation to use their spiritual gifts for the good of all.

"How can we do this?" I posed the question to the group.

I don't know what answers I was expecting, but I was surprised to notice that all of the conversation after this centred around feeling a sense of belonging to the people in the congregation rather than gifts and how to use them.

Perhaps using our gifts arises more naturally out of being in healthy relationships. Perhaps when we focus on the gift, we are being a little bit strained or forced.

Perhaps we should be concentrating on growing community and relationships and from there encouraging each individual - already loved and valued by the group - to share their strengths and gifts with everyone.

Books

Some books I've read recently:

No-one takes my Children: Donya somebody.
I made no effort to remember her surname because I was thoroughly unimpressed by her as a person. She became mildly famous for helping women in England get their children back after their husbands had abducted them and taken them overseas - particularly to the Middle East. However she neglected to notice that her own husband was getting ready to snatch his own two children. Donya lies, manipulates and self-justifies her way through life to get her own way and calls it working for the greater good of keeping children with their mothers.

The Contemplative Pastor: Eugene H Peterson
This I picked up today and looked at over lunch and was very impressed with it. I'm definitely going to read it - if only because it has a chapter called 'The Ministry of Small Talk'.

The Spellman Files: Lisa Lutz
This is a hilarious tale of a very dysfunctional family of private detectives. Everyone's in the business, so they know exactly how to spy on each other. The voice is very fresh, the characters very flawed. I don't like Isabel much but I love the whole story.

The Secret River: Kate Grenville
I was very happy to get this for my birthday because I had heard a lot about it. It's an award-winning novel based on research into Grenville's own family history. The first half was wonderful. The second half I have yet to get through, and the reason is entirely that I'm not overly keen on the Australian bush. If you love Australian landscapes and know the Hawkesbury in particular, you will relish this, but I have yet to develop the enthusiasm.

Mmmm

I have a new favourite snack now that I'm trying to avoid added sugar. I discovered that if you combine pecan nuts and sultanas, it tastes just like one of my favourite desserts - pecan pie!

I am also continuing to try to hide vegetables in food in creative ways. Today's recipe is a potato chocolate cake and it's absolutely smooth and gorgeous.

1 cup butter
2 cups sugar (I only put one in)
4 eggs
2 oz melted chocolate (I substituted 1/2 cup cocoa)
1 tsp vanilla
1 cup cold mashed potatoes (well mashed, no lumps)
1 tsp baking soda
2 cups flour
1 tsp salt
3/4 cup sour milk or butter milk (or just add a dash of lemon juice to the milk)

Cream the butter and sugar, add in eggs, cocoa, vanilla and potatoes, beating as you go. Add in dry ingredients, alternating with the milk. Mix well. Bake at 180C for 45 mins.

Better Together

I had a great day at the Better Together conference on Saturday.

Most people who know me will know that I hold 'egalitarian' views on what the Bible says about men and women. People like me find ourselves in a bit of a minority in Sydney evangelical circles, so it was nice to meet with others of like mind.

Grahame Cole of Trinity Evangelical College (I think) was the keynote speaker and gave two very interesting and easy to understand talks, one on the Trinity question, and the other on the textual questions underpinning the egalitarian view - especially focusing on 1 Timothy 2.

If anyone is interested in hearing the egalitarian side, Cole presented in a fair, loving and generous way and made what can be quite a complex argument clear and well thought out. The talks were recorded and will be able to be downloaded for free from the Better Together website.

The thing I appreciated from the conference was the lack of any bitterness, rancour or anger,. It was obvious that it had been put together in a spirit of prayerfulness and love.

Real what?

Today I am wearing a pair of straight jeans, white t-shirt and a checked collared/cuffed shirt that used to belong to my aunty. It's sort of classic country attire.

Why am I telling you this? Only because my 7 year old daughter looked at me with satisfaction this morning as I was taking her to school.

"I like you in that shirt Mum," she said, "You look more real."

"More real? More real than what?" I asked.

"You look like a more real mother," she said.

[me slightly gobsmacked...] "Do you mean I look really boring?" I asked.

"No, you just look like a real mum," she said.

Hmmm. It must be that leopard skin leotard I wear so often....

Underground?

I've joined up to Facebook and gotten in touch with a number of old school friends as well as catching up with some mates from uni. It's been kind of fun to see faces and send updates.

When you ask someone to 'be your friend', you have to write in where you know them from and the years you knew them. The Facebook program takes all this information and creates a 'social timeline' for you, listing where you were during which year.

I was a little bit miffed to read this on my social timeline:

2006- 2007 - You were at Moore College Buthargra
1991-2005 - You went underground for a few years
1990 - Murree Christian School

I did not go underground! I had a perfectly good life thank you very much. I studied, worked, got married, had a baby, bought a house, made friends!

Just because Facebook doesn't know about me doesn't mean that I 'went underground'!