This whole thing of being able to see from other points of view leads me to another problem.
There are just too many different cultures, sub-cultures, worlds, places and ways of thinking and living out there.
Growing up in a completely different culture brought this problem to the fore for me. How was it possible that I could live amongst some people who were so poor that they had no electricity, no transport, no education and no sugar to put in their tea, and then get on an aeroplane and fly to Australia where all our family and friends and churches had more than they could possibly ever use, where shops were full to bursting of ridiculous paraphernalia that people would throw out after a season of use.
I found it almost impossible to hold such different worlds together in my head, and went through a sort of subconscious separation or shut-off process. You can survive in the desert village if you don't know there's another whole life out there. And you can enjoy the shopping malls of Sydney if you've never considered the possibility of people dying from hunger and treatable diseases. You can only live comfortably in both if you are able to separate yourself into sections. (Is comfortable living what I should be aiming for anyway?)
Even in Sydney, I find myself constantly looking at people I see on the streets and trying to imagine their worlds. Where do they live? How do they think? What's their framework for reality? How can the simple, challenged man receiving the disability payment who we loved in one of our churches relate to the highly successful company director we love in another of our churches? How can the worlds cross? How will they crumble when Christ is seen in both of them?
I still find it paralysingly confusing to cross cultures (and even sub-cultures now). But I guess it's a lot less boring than being the same and staying the same, and never ever moving, in any way or direction.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Not alone on the planet
I can remember the day I first noticed other people.
I was about four years old, and very happy with myself. I had started to enjoy the idea of having thoughts and ideas zooming around my head, and liked nothing better than to sit and daydream. I would follow my stream of consciousness around in my brain and see where it led me. It was a wonderfully exciting feeling to almost watch words and ideas intertwine, and I believed myself to be very special, unique and talented for being able to do this.
On one particular day, our family was going somewhere and decided to take one of the crowded mini-buses that used to travel the streets of Karachi. As we boarded the bus, with me in stream-of-consciousness mode, I looked around at the packed seats and marvelled at the number of people there were in the world.
Suddenly it hit me. They all had brains as well. That must mean they all had thoughts and ideas zinging around their heads as well. They must have thought they were just as special as me. And that must mean that I was not as unique as I thought I was.
The idea that everyone else in the world was just like me felt like shutters falling from my eyes. I blinked and was overwhelmed by the smallness of myself in comparison to everyone else on the planet.
"Hang on," said my four-year old self. "Maybe I can just pretend I didn't think that, and go back to me being the most special/talented/interesting person - the only one who really matters." I tried to ignore everyone else for a few minutes and went back inside my head, but the truth had already burned its path. I reluctantly submitted to the idea that other people were alive and important and special.
Since then, I've had both the gift and the challenge of being able to see things from other points of view than just my own. (Not always, I hasten to add... in case there's anyone out there who's jumping up and down in protest!)
It's a good thing to be able to step in the shoes of others. But it can also mean I am often paralysed in making decisions or having my own opinion. (Not always, I hasten to add again, in case there are people out there thinking, "She's the most opinionated person I know...")
It all makes me secretly wonder sometimes like that kid in the film*: if we are all special, does that mean no-one is special? Is the answer perhaps this: we are all special because God made us, and because God loves us. Simplistic but true...?
*can't remember which: maybe the Sixth Sense? I'd be hopeless on a trivia quiz....
I was about four years old, and very happy with myself. I had started to enjoy the idea of having thoughts and ideas zooming around my head, and liked nothing better than to sit and daydream. I would follow my stream of consciousness around in my brain and see where it led me. It was a wonderfully exciting feeling to almost watch words and ideas intertwine, and I believed myself to be very special, unique and talented for being able to do this.
On one particular day, our family was going somewhere and decided to take one of the crowded mini-buses that used to travel the streets of Karachi. As we boarded the bus, with me in stream-of-consciousness mode, I looked around at the packed seats and marvelled at the number of people there were in the world.
Suddenly it hit me. They all had brains as well. That must mean they all had thoughts and ideas zinging around their heads as well. They must have thought they were just as special as me. And that must mean that I was not as unique as I thought I was.
The idea that everyone else in the world was just like me felt like shutters falling from my eyes. I blinked and was overwhelmed by the smallness of myself in comparison to everyone else on the planet.
"Hang on," said my four-year old self. "Maybe I can just pretend I didn't think that, and go back to me being the most special/talented/interesting person - the only one who really matters." I tried to ignore everyone else for a few minutes and went back inside my head, but the truth had already burned its path. I reluctantly submitted to the idea that other people were alive and important and special.
Since then, I've had both the gift and the challenge of being able to see things from other points of view than just my own. (Not always, I hasten to add... in case there's anyone out there who's jumping up and down in protest!)
It's a good thing to be able to step in the shoes of others. But it can also mean I am often paralysed in making decisions or having my own opinion. (Not always, I hasten to add again, in case there are people out there thinking, "She's the most opinionated person I know...")
It all makes me secretly wonder sometimes like that kid in the film*: if we are all special, does that mean no-one is special? Is the answer perhaps this: we are all special because God made us, and because God loves us. Simplistic but true...?
*can't remember which: maybe the Sixth Sense? I'd be hopeless on a trivia quiz....
Friday, September 01, 2006
Why I'm not really here anymore
If you've been a regular reader of this blog you might have noticed that my postings have become less and less frequent. I started off thrilled to bits that at last I had a forum for my odd and random thoughts and posted twice a day on the odd occasion that I had two things to say in 24 hours.
For the last month, though, there hasn't been much room in my brain for extra ideas and interesting concepts.
I have been a little bit concerned about my second child for about 18 months - ever since he was one and a half. His social development and language seemed a long way behind his very bright big sister at the same age. But people kept saying things like, "Oh, he's just a little bit slower. Einstein didn't talk until he was six you know," or "It's just boys and girls. Girls always talk earlier."
As he got older he seemed to become more and more 'eccentric', and around the time he turned three, a month ago, about three or four people independently mentioned the word 'autism' to me. I have done a whole lot of research on it, and when we take him to the paediatrician in two weeks I am expecting a diagnosis of Autistic Spectrum Disorder, or something very similar.
Obviously, this is hard news. I feel very very heavy about it. I feel sapped of energy for anything else apart from thinking about him and what we should do for him. I feel angry. I feel tired. I feel ripped off.
Even though I don't understand evil and sickness and the many bad things there are in the world, and even though I don't know why it has to be my little boy who is afflicted in this way, I can stand and firmly attest to God's goodness.
Just before all of this came to the fore, I had an interesting conversation with God. I do not normally have conversations with God. I am not the type who says, "God told me" with great abandon. I have trouble believing those who do say that sort of thing. However, I was praying one Sunday, as I wheeled my baby around in the pram outside church (he didn't want to sleep and was too noisy to stay inside). I was praying for a particular spiritual gift. "Lord, give it to me please. It would really be great. I could do so much for you."
Like a little quiet voice inside my head, I think God said "Why do you want that so much?"
I had to stop and think. "Well, it would be great for pastoral ministry. I could really do some good - for you of course." And then I realised - I wanted that particular gift for myself, so I could look good in ministry and have charisma and personal power. I had to repent. And again the quiet voice came, "It would be better if you really loved people."
"All right, Lord, that's what I'll pray for. Please - teach me to really love people." I started to pray the prayer, believing that God had given me that desire.
The very next day, the first person of the four mentioned autism to me. My heart stood still, and I had to cope with the idea that my child could have something seriously wrong with him. At the very same time, I felt a love that I have not felt for twenty or so years.
Let me explain: someone in my close circle when I was growing up had developmental difficulties in their life. And although I loved that person deep down, I often found frustration and anger crowding out the love. Now, in one instant, I saw that person from a parent's perspective, and love for them absolutely overwhelmed me. It has not gone away since.
Already I can see God's goodness in this. It's a beautiful, tangible reminder of his love that he's given me in this hard time - sort of like an extra little light in the darkness. Praise God for answering prayers and working all things out for the good of those who love him. In the meantime, I'd appreciate your prayers, for us, and for our little boy.
I'll keep posting, but it may be less frequently. And I may break the rule I started out with - which was that this blog would be my one 'child-free zone'....
For the last month, though, there hasn't been much room in my brain for extra ideas and interesting concepts.
I have been a little bit concerned about my second child for about 18 months - ever since he was one and a half. His social development and language seemed a long way behind his very bright big sister at the same age. But people kept saying things like, "Oh, he's just a little bit slower. Einstein didn't talk until he was six you know," or "It's just boys and girls. Girls always talk earlier."
As he got older he seemed to become more and more 'eccentric', and around the time he turned three, a month ago, about three or four people independently mentioned the word 'autism' to me. I have done a whole lot of research on it, and when we take him to the paediatrician in two weeks I am expecting a diagnosis of Autistic Spectrum Disorder, or something very similar.
Obviously, this is hard news. I feel very very heavy about it. I feel sapped of energy for anything else apart from thinking about him and what we should do for him. I feel angry. I feel tired. I feel ripped off.
Even though I don't understand evil and sickness and the many bad things there are in the world, and even though I don't know why it has to be my little boy who is afflicted in this way, I can stand and firmly attest to God's goodness.
Just before all of this came to the fore, I had an interesting conversation with God. I do not normally have conversations with God. I am not the type who says, "God told me" with great abandon. I have trouble believing those who do say that sort of thing. However, I was praying one Sunday, as I wheeled my baby around in the pram outside church (he didn't want to sleep and was too noisy to stay inside). I was praying for a particular spiritual gift. "Lord, give it to me please. It would really be great. I could do so much for you."
Like a little quiet voice inside my head, I think God said "Why do you want that so much?"
I had to stop and think. "Well, it would be great for pastoral ministry. I could really do some good - for you of course." And then I realised - I wanted that particular gift for myself, so I could look good in ministry and have charisma and personal power. I had to repent. And again the quiet voice came, "It would be better if you really loved people."
"All right, Lord, that's what I'll pray for. Please - teach me to really love people." I started to pray the prayer, believing that God had given me that desire.
The very next day, the first person of the four mentioned autism to me. My heart stood still, and I had to cope with the idea that my child could have something seriously wrong with him. At the very same time, I felt a love that I have not felt for twenty or so years.
Let me explain: someone in my close circle when I was growing up had developmental difficulties in their life. And although I loved that person deep down, I often found frustration and anger crowding out the love. Now, in one instant, I saw that person from a parent's perspective, and love for them absolutely overwhelmed me. It has not gone away since.
Already I can see God's goodness in this. It's a beautiful, tangible reminder of his love that he's given me in this hard time - sort of like an extra little light in the darkness. Praise God for answering prayers and working all things out for the good of those who love him. In the meantime, I'd appreciate your prayers, for us, and for our little boy.
I'll keep posting, but it may be less frequently. And I may break the rule I started out with - which was that this blog would be my one 'child-free zone'....
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Why we drift off in sermons
Trivia for your information:
The average speaker talks at a rate of 100 – 120 words per minute. We can listen at most at 400 words per minute. But we can read and think at 800 words per minute.
It’s estimated that people listen intently for only three seconds out of each 10-second segment while their minds wander for the other seven seconds.
If you can imagine spoken words like puffs of smoke, disappearing almost as soon as they are put out there, a good speaker would have to blow smoke rings to keep the audience's attention!
The average speaker talks at a rate of 100 – 120 words per minute. We can listen at most at 400 words per minute. But we can read and think at 800 words per minute.
It’s estimated that people listen intently for only three seconds out of each 10-second segment while their minds wander for the other seven seconds.
If you can imagine spoken words like puffs of smoke, disappearing almost as soon as they are put out there, a good speaker would have to blow smoke rings to keep the audience's attention!
Monday, August 28, 2006
Is it just me?
On a daily basis, I remember bits and pieces of my childhood in Pakistan.
I might be walking along when I suddenly get a picture of our evening family stroll along the dusty canal-bank road near our home in Sindh. Any smell of spring or grass takes me right back to Murree in the Himalayan mountains. I frequently think back to boarding school, both day and night. (Yes, I have a recurring dream where I go back to school as me now, then suddenly realise "I don't have to be here: I have a university degree!")
Old-age dementia tends to run in our family, so I'm anticipating my future as living in my past. The odd thing is, it is still so incredibly vivid and alive to me now.
Is this a normal experience for everyone else out there? Who else thinks about their growing up years every single day?
I might be walking along when I suddenly get a picture of our evening family stroll along the dusty canal-bank road near our home in Sindh. Any smell of spring or grass takes me right back to Murree in the Himalayan mountains. I frequently think back to boarding school, both day and night. (Yes, I have a recurring dream where I go back to school as me now, then suddenly realise "I don't have to be here: I have a university degree!")
Old-age dementia tends to run in our family, so I'm anticipating my future as living in my past. The odd thing is, it is still so incredibly vivid and alive to me now.
Is this a normal experience for everyone else out there? Who else thinks about their growing up years every single day?
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Of masks and reactions
"For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." Does this law of physics apply equally to other areas of life?
I was chatting to a friend who has recently started in full-time ministry. He finds that when he spends the day giving out to people, 'being the minister', he comes home and can't help being really grumpy with his wife.
I find the same thing. I spend the day absorbing various amounts of aggravation and interruption from children, but take it out on my husband (or the dog!) at night.
Are ministry and motherhood similar in that we put on 'masks' of niceness, calmness and being 'above it all'? I don't really want to show the anger that accidentally spilt juice arouses in me. After all, it's not my child's fault that he's still learning to pour. And perhaps I'm angry at myself for not taking more charge of the situation. My friend doesn't want to show irritation he might feel at being kept waiting for someone. It's easier to wear the mask that's appropriate to the situation.
The trouble is, we always end up with a reaction that hurts other people who are relative innocents to the situation!
So how to solve the problem?
More honesty in life? Less mask-wearing? More vulnerability and ability to speak true feelings? Or just buy a punching bag and give it a good round before dinner?
I was chatting to a friend who has recently started in full-time ministry. He finds that when he spends the day giving out to people, 'being the minister', he comes home and can't help being really grumpy with his wife.
I find the same thing. I spend the day absorbing various amounts of aggravation and interruption from children, but take it out on my husband (or the dog!) at night.
Are ministry and motherhood similar in that we put on 'masks' of niceness, calmness and being 'above it all'? I don't really want to show the anger that accidentally spilt juice arouses in me. After all, it's not my child's fault that he's still learning to pour. And perhaps I'm angry at myself for not taking more charge of the situation. My friend doesn't want to show irritation he might feel at being kept waiting for someone. It's easier to wear the mask that's appropriate to the situation.
The trouble is, we always end up with a reaction that hurts other people who are relative innocents to the situation!
So how to solve the problem?
More honesty in life? Less mask-wearing? More vulnerability and ability to speak true feelings? Or just buy a punching bag and give it a good round before dinner?
Monday, August 21, 2006
Gotta see it!
If there’s only one more show you ever get to see in your lifetime, make sure it is Cirque de Soleil. (And, no, they aren’t paying me to advertise.)
We saw Varekai last week. It is the latest offering from the Cirque de Soleil company to tour to Sydney and boasts aerial trapeze artists, contortionists, kossack dancers and tiny little children throwing things high into the air, flipping across the stage and catching them again!
The energy is electric. The costumes are astounding and the tricks those artists can do with their bodies bend your mind! (I could hardly climb over the back of my seat into the aisle and the girl on the stage was putting her feet next to her ears…) Just when you think they have exhausted the possibilities for one stunt, they manage to top it again and again.
What I most appreciated about it, though, was the depth of emotions that were part of the show. There’s a real sense in which I don’t allow myself to experience intense joy, passion or sorrow in my daily life because it’s all a little too difficult, messy and time consuming. I found myself very moved by the emotional abandon of the performers.
We saw Varekai last week. It is the latest offering from the Cirque de Soleil company to tour to Sydney and boasts aerial trapeze artists, contortionists, kossack dancers and tiny little children throwing things high into the air, flipping across the stage and catching them again!
The energy is electric. The costumes are astounding and the tricks those artists can do with their bodies bend your mind! (I could hardly climb over the back of my seat into the aisle and the girl on the stage was putting her feet next to her ears…) Just when you think they have exhausted the possibilities for one stunt, they manage to top it again and again.
What I most appreciated about it, though, was the depth of emotions that were part of the show. There’s a real sense in which I don’t allow myself to experience intense joy, passion or sorrow in my daily life because it’s all a little too difficult, messy and time consuming. I found myself very moved by the emotional abandon of the performers.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
And now for something completely different...
I'm not really a great chef, but from time to time I stumble across recipes which really work for me.
The recipes I copy down to put into my box include ingredients that I understand (none of this mascarpone and aubergine guff), use easy techniques (mix, stir, pour, melt...) and work out when I make them! Even better, they make me look like a good cook!
Here's a French Chocolate Sliver Cake. Sounds impressive hey?
125g butter
200g dark chocolate chopped
1 cup caster sugar
4 large eggs, beaten
2 tbsp plain flour
Melt the butter and chocolate over a low heat. Add the sugar and stir until dissolved. Add the beaten eggs and flour, and stir to combine. Bake at 180C for 50 mins. It should have crisp edges and a soft centre.
Allow the cake to cool. Then melt 125g dark chocolate and 1/2 cup of cream together. Pour over the cake and spread. Cut into slivers and serve.
You could serve with cream or icecream, strawberries, berries or any other nice looking fruit. I had too many oranges in my fridge, so I peeled three or four, cut them across into thin slices, juiced another whole orange, added a few teaspoons of sugar and sort of sploshed a few spoonfuls on top of each slice of cake. It was absolutely scrumptious.
The recipes I copy down to put into my box include ingredients that I understand (none of this mascarpone and aubergine guff), use easy techniques (mix, stir, pour, melt...) and work out when I make them! Even better, they make me look like a good cook!
Here's a French Chocolate Sliver Cake. Sounds impressive hey?
125g butter
200g dark chocolate chopped
1 cup caster sugar
4 large eggs, beaten
2 tbsp plain flour
Melt the butter and chocolate over a low heat. Add the sugar and stir until dissolved. Add the beaten eggs and flour, and stir to combine. Bake at 180C for 50 mins. It should have crisp edges and a soft centre.
Allow the cake to cool. Then melt 125g dark chocolate and 1/2 cup of cream together. Pour over the cake and spread. Cut into slivers and serve.
You could serve with cream or icecream, strawberries, berries or any other nice looking fruit. I had too many oranges in my fridge, so I peeled three or four, cut them across into thin slices, juiced another whole orange, added a few teaspoons of sugar and sort of sploshed a few spoonfuls on top of each slice of cake. It was absolutely scrumptious.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Want some nappies?
Business for sale!
I'm thinking of trying to pass on my 'easipants' business to someone who will love and care for it and help it grow. (check www.easipants.com.au) I think it's a great product with plenty of potential but it needs someone who has the energy to take it to the next level.
Normally I would have the drive to do it, but I know in the next 18 months I'll have to spend a lot more time with my little boy helping him with language and communication.
Is anyone clever out there who knows what I should do? Or who wants to take it on themselves? I'm open to all sorts of suggestions.
I'm thinking of trying to pass on my 'easipants' business to someone who will love and care for it and help it grow. (check www.easipants.com.au) I think it's a great product with plenty of potential but it needs someone who has the energy to take it to the next level.
Normally I would have the drive to do it, but I know in the next 18 months I'll have to spend a lot more time with my little boy helping him with language and communication.
Is anyone clever out there who knows what I should do? Or who wants to take it on themselves? I'm open to all sorts of suggestions.
Hope: where do you get it?
What brings you hope?
I think some people’s hopes are built on fantasy and wishful thinking. “I’ll win the lottery next week, or the week after, and then everything will be alright…” “Once I go and live there, or do that, or meet the right person… it will all come together.”
Perhaps I’m just unromantic and desperately un-idealistic, but it’s never worked for me yet.
My Bible reading talked about hope this morning. The two things that it said brought hope were not at all romantic or idealistic. It said, ‘endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures’ brought hope.
Endurance? Ick. The word brings to mind cross country running or early morning swimming, both things that I try to avoid. Endurance is not a pretty picture.
And as for the ‘encouragement of the Scriptures’? Being completely honest, reading the Bible isn’t always the activity I look forward to the most (although I’m usually glad once I do it!)
But perhaps there is another way to see it.
Endurance: the idea that we have had the strength, with God, to get through today. We survived! It was ok!
The encouragement of the Scriptures: The idea that tomorrow is another day in God’s care, another day with his strength, and many many better days coming when we go to be with him!
Rather than finding hope from a false ideal or change of circumstances, true hope comes from God’s strength in us for today, and God’s grace in us for tomorrow. Pray that I’ll both endure and soak in the encouragement of the Scriptures.
Romans 15:4 For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.
I think some people’s hopes are built on fantasy and wishful thinking. “I’ll win the lottery next week, or the week after, and then everything will be alright…” “Once I go and live there, or do that, or meet the right person… it will all come together.”
Perhaps I’m just unromantic and desperately un-idealistic, but it’s never worked for me yet.
My Bible reading talked about hope this morning. The two things that it said brought hope were not at all romantic or idealistic. It said, ‘endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures’ brought hope.
Endurance? Ick. The word brings to mind cross country running or early morning swimming, both things that I try to avoid. Endurance is not a pretty picture.
And as for the ‘encouragement of the Scriptures’? Being completely honest, reading the Bible isn’t always the activity I look forward to the most (although I’m usually glad once I do it!)
But perhaps there is another way to see it.
Endurance: the idea that we have had the strength, with God, to get through today. We survived! It was ok!
The encouragement of the Scriptures: The idea that tomorrow is another day in God’s care, another day with his strength, and many many better days coming when we go to be with him!
Rather than finding hope from a false ideal or change of circumstances, true hope comes from God’s strength in us for today, and God’s grace in us for tomorrow. Pray that I’ll both endure and soak in the encouragement of the Scriptures.
Romans 15:4 For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.
Monday, August 14, 2006
We're not God
At a recent weekend away with classmates and study colleagues, we were all reminded how to keep our marriages together. Amongst the ten useful 'tips' given was one:
'Don't look to your spouse to meet the needs that only God can meet.'
In other words,
- you might find some of your identity as being married to your spouse, but your ultimate identity is in Christ. Don't look to the other person to be your 'self'.
- you should have some security from being married to your spouse, but they can't give you that ultimate security that only God can provide.
- it's great to be understanding, and your spouse is, to a point. But that understanding is always going to be limited, and may in fact wear out if you stretch it too far. God is the only one who gives complete understanding.
- Unending love is something to strive for in the Lord, but it's going to falter when you're tired, when you're cranky and when things are tough. Thankfully God is the one who will always provide unending, unfathomable, unrelenting love. Don't look for it in your spouse.
- The same goes for time, energy and resources. Spouses are limited, because we are human. God is not limited, because he is eternal.
The positive version of the above is probably to enjoy up to the limits of what your spouse can give you. And to give back to your spouse what you can give in God's strength and grace.
It is actually a point of rejoicing that neither one needs to be God for the other. Imagine what a burden that would be for us, who are so completely 'creatures' instead of 'creator'. Instead, we can seek to walk more closely with Christ and encourage our spouse to do the same.
'Don't look to your spouse to meet the needs that only God can meet.'
In other words,
- you might find some of your identity as being married to your spouse, but your ultimate identity is in Christ. Don't look to the other person to be your 'self'.
- you should have some security from being married to your spouse, but they can't give you that ultimate security that only God can provide.
- it's great to be understanding, and your spouse is, to a point. But that understanding is always going to be limited, and may in fact wear out if you stretch it too far. God is the only one who gives complete understanding.
- Unending love is something to strive for in the Lord, but it's going to falter when you're tired, when you're cranky and when things are tough. Thankfully God is the one who will always provide unending, unfathomable, unrelenting love. Don't look for it in your spouse.
- The same goes for time, energy and resources. Spouses are limited, because we are human. God is not limited, because he is eternal.
The positive version of the above is probably to enjoy up to the limits of what your spouse can give you. And to give back to your spouse what you can give in God's strength and grace.
It is actually a point of rejoicing that neither one needs to be God for the other. Imagine what a burden that would be for us, who are so completely 'creatures' instead of 'creator'. Instead, we can seek to walk more closely with Christ and encourage our spouse to do the same.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Proud of my brother
My older brother Richard is currently working on the MV Doulos, a ship that takes young Christian volunteers from port to port, showing Christian service and love. It sounds exotic until I tell you he's working in the engine room, with grease, sweat and dodgy hours!
His latest letter included this:
“…You think that you have come to the ship to be missionaries and to save the world and everything….you are wrong! this is rehabilitation for Christians.
(He says) When I first heard this statement, I thought that it was interesting but after being on board for nearly a year, I can testify that the ship will change you and bring your bad attitudes, your frustrations, your irritations, and it will also open you up to prodding and digging from our Father. And most of the time it is a battle of wills and extremely painful. The lesson that I am continuing to learn is that God always wins."
Good on you Rich. And check out www.mvdoulos.org for information about the ship. They currently need marine engineers.
His latest letter included this:
“…You think that you have come to the ship to be missionaries and to save the world and everything….you are wrong! this is rehabilitation for Christians.
(He says) When I first heard this statement, I thought that it was interesting but after being on board for nearly a year, I can testify that the ship will change you and bring your bad attitudes, your frustrations, your irritations, and it will also open you up to prodding and digging from our Father. And most of the time it is a battle of wills and extremely painful. The lesson that I am continuing to learn is that God always wins."
Good on you Rich. And check out www.mvdoulos.org for information about the ship. They currently need marine engineers.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Trying the comments out again
My brother wanted to comment on the Muppet personality test. (Incidentally, he came out as Gonzo. Hmmm. I didn't even know Gonzo had a personality...) So I'm trying the comments out again. Let's see what happens this time.
More on advice giving
Just a little bit more on giving advice. I think I've done the opposite of all of these at one time or another. My usual problem is number three below: knowing when to stop.
Don’t get co-dependent
If you find yourself constantly worrying about the other person’s problems and obsessing about possible solutions, you may be taking on responsibilities which are not yours. There’s a difference between showing loving concern and co-dependently controlling and living other people’s lives for them. Sometimes it is a fine line to cross.
Do you follow your own advice?
There’s nothing worse than a person who knows exactly what to do for everyone else’s problems, but clearly can’t manage her own life effectively. Listen to yourself and work out if you’re showing yourself up.
Know when to stop
As with most things, in the case of advice, less is more. Once you see the glazed look in your friend’s eyes or her hands starting to twitch, shut your mouth. Saying the same thing five times doesn’t make it more effective. Don’t worry – she did hear you the first time!
Prayer and a hug are sometimes better.
It’s a matter of wisdom to know what’s appropriate. Just make sure you actually do pray, and follow it up later to find out what’s going on.
The bottom line
In these beautiful words from a friend: share God’s wisdom, but do it all the time knowing that you, too, need God’s mercy.
Don’t get co-dependent
If you find yourself constantly worrying about the other person’s problems and obsessing about possible solutions, you may be taking on responsibilities which are not yours. There’s a difference between showing loving concern and co-dependently controlling and living other people’s lives for them. Sometimes it is a fine line to cross.
Do you follow your own advice?
There’s nothing worse than a person who knows exactly what to do for everyone else’s problems, but clearly can’t manage her own life effectively. Listen to yourself and work out if you’re showing yourself up.
Know when to stop
As with most things, in the case of advice, less is more. Once you see the glazed look in your friend’s eyes or her hands starting to twitch, shut your mouth. Saying the same thing five times doesn’t make it more effective. Don’t worry – she did hear you the first time!
Prayer and a hug are sometimes better.
It’s a matter of wisdom to know what’s appropriate. Just make sure you actually do pray, and follow it up later to find out what’s going on.
The bottom line
In these beautiful words from a friend: share God’s wisdom, but do it all the time knowing that you, too, need God’s mercy.
How to.....give advice
This is the first part of an article I wrote for the most recent edition of Magnolia, the Moore College women's magazine.
Here’s a conversation you might one day be part of.
You: “How was your week?”
Friend: “Oh, awful.”
You: “Really? Why?”
Friend: “My daughter refuses to go to school, my son is throwing tantrums, the baby screams all night, my husband and I keep fighting and I have a serious case of hives.”
You: (splutter, gasp) “um…”
What can you do? What will you say? Here are some practical tips for giving help and advice.
Honour the person
Jumping in too quickly to solve problems sometimes shows that you doubt someone’s ability to take responsibility, or that you’re not really interested in the person. Successful help is not judged by your brilliant advice, but by the person’s growth through the problem.
Discern the problem
Listening is better than talking. And asking gentle, disinterested questions is better than jumping in with solutions. Try not to help until you are really sure what the root problem is.
Enable, not disable
You don’t get results by telling other people what to think. Validate feelings, ask questions and see if you can get them to find the answer themselves.
Truth goes with love
Some people just don’t know what to say or are embarrassed about offering help. But sharing godly wisdom glorifies God. We should speak the truth to others because God speaks it to us.
Love goes with truth
Who do you most readily take advice from? The people who earnestly love you and whom you trust to do you good. It’s a waste of breath giving advice or help to someone who doesn’t value the relationship between you.
Personal experience
You might get a better hearing if you replace “you should” with “perhaps you could try…” or “this is what I did.” No-one minds hearing about your personal experience if you don’t try to make it prescriptive for everyone.
Outside authority
Try referring to a resource, book, website or knowledgeable body. “Would you consider counselling with your husband? You could ring Tresillian for the baby. What does the Board of Education website say about truancy?”
It’s not about ending the pain.
Christian help is not always about finding the quickest way to end the other person’s pain. Rather it is about standing with people as they, with the Holy Spirit, grow through the pain to greater capacity, responsibility and joy.
...more tomorrow...
Here’s a conversation you might one day be part of.
You: “How was your week?”
Friend: “Oh, awful.”
You: “Really? Why?”
Friend: “My daughter refuses to go to school, my son is throwing tantrums, the baby screams all night, my husband and I keep fighting and I have a serious case of hives.”
You: (splutter, gasp) “um…”
What can you do? What will you say? Here are some practical tips for giving help and advice.
Honour the person
Jumping in too quickly to solve problems sometimes shows that you doubt someone’s ability to take responsibility, or that you’re not really interested in the person. Successful help is not judged by your brilliant advice, but by the person’s growth through the problem.
Discern the problem
Listening is better than talking. And asking gentle, disinterested questions is better than jumping in with solutions. Try not to help until you are really sure what the root problem is.
Enable, not disable
You don’t get results by telling other people what to think. Validate feelings, ask questions and see if you can get them to find the answer themselves.
Truth goes with love
Some people just don’t know what to say or are embarrassed about offering help. But sharing godly wisdom glorifies God. We should speak the truth to others because God speaks it to us.
Love goes with truth
Who do you most readily take advice from? The people who earnestly love you and whom you trust to do you good. It’s a waste of breath giving advice or help to someone who doesn’t value the relationship between you.
Personal experience
You might get a better hearing if you replace “you should” with “perhaps you could try…” or “this is what I did.” No-one minds hearing about your personal experience if you don’t try to make it prescriptive for everyone.
Outside authority
Try referring to a resource, book, website or knowledgeable body. “Would you consider counselling with your husband? You could ring Tresillian for the baby. What does the Board of Education website say about truancy?”
It’s not about ending the pain.
Christian help is not always about finding the quickest way to end the other person’s pain. Rather it is about standing with people as they, with the Holy Spirit, grow through the pain to greater capacity, responsibility and joy.
...more tomorrow...
Monday, August 07, 2006
Kermit the frog
Ha ha! This is funny. There's a 'muppet personality test' online. Follow this link.
http://blogthings.com/themuppetpersonalitytest/
I came out as.... tah dah....
***Kermit***
This is what it said about me:
"Hi, ho! Lovable and friendly, you get along well with everyone you know.You're a big thinker, and sometimes you over think life's problems.Don't worry - everyone know's it's not easy being green.Just remember, time's fun when you're having flies!"
By the way, I did not find this. My husband did. And who are these people who make this stuff up?
http://blogthings.com/themuppetpersonalitytest/
I came out as.... tah dah....
***Kermit***
This is what it said about me:
"Hi, ho! Lovable and friendly, you get along well with everyone you know.You're a big thinker, and sometimes you over think life's problems.Don't worry - everyone know's it's not easy being green.Just remember, time's fun when you're having flies!"
By the way, I did not find this. My husband did. And who are these people who make this stuff up?
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Positive words
I've been re-learning the power of affirming and positive words this year.
There are tangible positive differences in my children's behaviour and growth whenever I cheer them on. Going out of my way to compliment and affirm my husband at every point that I see him do or say something good seems to make us both happier. And I'm even being nice to myself - every day I write a journal of positive things I have done and award myself points. (It's hubby's idea and I start to notice the difference in my state of mind when I miss a few days!)
It all came from a conscious decision this year to speak affirmingly and encouragingly but honestly whenever possible. After all, words are free. It doesn't cost me anything to say something good to someone else, and it may just be the fuel they need to continue on that day.
The wonderful thing I'm now starting to discover comes from an old biblical principle: you reap what you sow. In the last few months I've received many unsought, positive encouragements from others. It creates a beautiful circle: the more I am encouraged, the more I feel able to build up others, and it goes around and around.
Love these verses:
... but be filled with the Spirit, 19 addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with all your heart, 20 giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, 21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. Ephesians 5:18-21
Not sure about the 'addressing one another in song' bit... people might not like to hear me sing to them all day, but the concept is of beautiful, joyful and encouraging speech which comes from being filled with the Spirit.
The best part is, the more I do it to benefit others, the more I benefit from it too!
There are tangible positive differences in my children's behaviour and growth whenever I cheer them on. Going out of my way to compliment and affirm my husband at every point that I see him do or say something good seems to make us both happier. And I'm even being nice to myself - every day I write a journal of positive things I have done and award myself points. (It's hubby's idea and I start to notice the difference in my state of mind when I miss a few days!)
It all came from a conscious decision this year to speak affirmingly and encouragingly but honestly whenever possible. After all, words are free. It doesn't cost me anything to say something good to someone else, and it may just be the fuel they need to continue on that day.
The wonderful thing I'm now starting to discover comes from an old biblical principle: you reap what you sow. In the last few months I've received many unsought, positive encouragements from others. It creates a beautiful circle: the more I am encouraged, the more I feel able to build up others, and it goes around and around.
Love these verses:
... but be filled with the Spirit, 19 addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with all your heart, 20 giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, 21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. Ephesians 5:18-21
Not sure about the 'addressing one another in song' bit... people might not like to hear me sing to them all day, but the concept is of beautiful, joyful and encouraging speech which comes from being filled with the Spirit.
The best part is, the more I do it to benefit others, the more I benefit from it too!
Friday, August 04, 2006
Latest reading
John Townsend and Henry Cloud are two of my favourite writers. I call them the 'Boundaries Boys' because their most famous title is, of course, 'Boundaries'. I've been reading a new one by Townsend recently, called 'Who's Pushing Your Buttons?'. Here's an excerpt:
Human connections are one of the greatest things that anyone can experience in life. The rich man who is without them is impoverished; the poor man who has them is wealthy. God himself is relational at the core of his being: He is love. And he designed us to be in, depend on, thrive on and grow from relationships.
Look at your relationships as the 'delivery system' for so many of the good things we need in life. We need love, safety, grace, warmth, encouragement, truth and feedback, forgiveness and so much more. These elements of life make life full, meaningful, purposeful and enjoyable.
They go on to talk about people who 'push your buttons'; why and how they do it, and how to do something about it. It's a good book. Now it's for you to guess who is pushing my buttons...
Human connections are one of the greatest things that anyone can experience in life. The rich man who is without them is impoverished; the poor man who has them is wealthy. God himself is relational at the core of his being: He is love. And he designed us to be in, depend on, thrive on and grow from relationships.
Look at your relationships as the 'delivery system' for so many of the good things we need in life. We need love, safety, grace, warmth, encouragement, truth and feedback, forgiveness and so much more. These elements of life make life full, meaningful, purposeful and enjoyable.
They go on to talk about people who 'push your buttons'; why and how they do it, and how to do something about it. It's a good book. Now it's for you to guess who is pushing my buttons...
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
The Twelve Steps
I love the Twelve Step program. It's what Alcoholics Anonymous is based around, but the steps are useful for facing any addictive behaviour or problem that seems insurmountable. I used this several years ago when I was struggling with a chronic pain problem (see June archives) and really benefited. The first three steps seem humbling, and they are, but it's amazing how freeing humility can be!
1. We admitted we were powerless over the effects of our separation from God - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God.
4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. We admitted to God, to ourselves and to another the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. We humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.
8. We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. We made direct amends to those people wherever possible, except when to do so would harm them or others.
10. We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, we promptly admitted it.
11. We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had such a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
1. We admitted we were powerless over the effects of our separation from God - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God.
4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. We admitted to God, to ourselves and to another the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. We humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.
8. We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. We made direct amends to those people wherever possible, except when to do so would harm them or others.
10. We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, we promptly admitted it.
11. We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had such a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
I'm a bit pleased with myself
Yes, it's a bit self-indulgent, but after all, it is my blog.
Never Alone was short-listed for the Australian Christian Book of the Year awards today! I feel rather pleased. Mind you, the competition includes John Dickson, so I don't think I'll be winning any time soon, but it is an honour!
Never Alone was short-listed for the Australian Christian Book of the Year awards today! I feel rather pleased. Mind you, the competition includes John Dickson, so I don't think I'll be winning any time soon, but it is an honour!
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