I have developed an icky habit of letting loose a few expletives in my head when I'm particularly frustrated or irritated.
It's not so good for me, and it's not good for anyone else around me if a word accidentally slips out.
I've been a little convicted about it, and have been trying to work out how to get rid of it.
A cheesy rhyme sprang into my head the other day and now whenever I start to get mad, I think: "Swap swear words for prayer words."
It's groan-worthy, but it's working.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Sunday, July 29, 2007
This year
Ever since I was about 15, I have written two lists on my birthday.
The first is looking back at the previous year. I list the things that have happened, the things I've done, the things I'm pleased with, the things I wished I had done differently, the things I've learned and whatever else takes my fancy.
The second list is for the things I want to do, or improve in, or learn, or think about, or change.
The first list seems too personal to publish on a blog, so here's an edited version of my second list.
Things I'm aiming for, hoping for, praying for, and working towards when I'm 34
The first is looking back at the previous year. I list the things that have happened, the things I've done, the things I'm pleased with, the things I wished I had done differently, the things I've learned and whatever else takes my fancy.
The second list is for the things I want to do, or improve in, or learn, or think about, or change.
The first list seems too personal to publish on a blog, so here's an edited version of my second list.
Things I'm aiming for, hoping for, praying for, and working towards when I'm 34
- to grow in patience and love for people
- to cook more nutritious meals for the family - that they will eat!
- to finish my book on friendship and find a publisher
- to read the Bible more
- to speak loving truth in all my relationships
- to sleep longer hours and eat better food and have more energy
- to start writing my novel
Move the page down
I've got to post something else so that the page moves down.
When I looked at the blog this afternoon, all I could see was me staring back at myself. It looks intensely egotistical, even though it's not meant to be! I was truly only trying to show you my hair colour. And then I wanted to change the profile picture and didn't know how to do it without posting the new photo first.
I'll leave some space, and hopefully the pictures will have moved down a little!
When I looked at the blog this afternoon, all I could see was me staring back at myself. It looks intensely egotistical, even though it's not meant to be! I was truly only trying to show you my hair colour. And then I wanted to change the profile picture and didn't know how to do it without posting the new photo first.
I'll leave some space, and hopefully the pictures will have moved down a little!
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Happy birthday to me
It's my birthday in a few days and my lovely parents and Pop came down for a celebratory dinner tonight.
Dinner: Indian takeaway. Presents: great black jumper and huge wok (parents and Pop) and the new Kate Grenville book (parents in law). I've already had Harry Potter from the family and now have to wait until Tuesday for the rest!
The other exciting thing for the day was... ta dah... my new hair colour.
The other exciting thing for the day was... ta dah... my new hair colour.
Husband came home from the supermarket with a box of black hair dye (he went out for coffee, icing sugar and milk) and said, "Hey let's try this!" He read all the instructions and put it on for me and now I look super-cool!
If you're in Mittagong on Thursday, join me for birthday lunch with some friends. Email for details as to when and where!
If you're in Mittagong on Thursday, join me for birthday lunch with some friends. Email for details as to when and where!
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Popping up at all angles
The theme of my day was domestic violence, which is something I have been thinking about recently.
We went up to Sydney today. I managed to visit a shopping mall and headed with a plan to the Body Shop to buy some makeup. Plastered all over their windows is a campaign to break the silence on relationship abuse. I picked up a very good brochure and went on my way.
On my way back to the car, I passed an Amnesty International booth and was asked to sign a petition to end violence against women. Of course I did so, and then got chatting to the fellow about rape laws in the country where I grew up. Previously, a woman accusing a man of rape needed to have four adult male witnesses in order to prove her suit. As if that's ever going to happen! If she couldn't, she could be jailed for adultery.
Apparently Amnesty has succeeded in putting pressure on the government and the laws have been changed! Well done.
I got home to an email newsletter all about ... you guessed it... domestic violence and the church. Some great articles, including this one with a particularly horrendous story about abuse in a Christian marriage.
Is someone trying to say something to me???
*By the way, I should clarify that I am not, repeat not, the victim of any sort of domestic violence by anybody!
We went up to Sydney today. I managed to visit a shopping mall and headed with a plan to the Body Shop to buy some makeup. Plastered all over their windows is a campaign to break the silence on relationship abuse. I picked up a very good brochure and went on my way.
On my way back to the car, I passed an Amnesty International booth and was asked to sign a petition to end violence against women. Of course I did so, and then got chatting to the fellow about rape laws in the country where I grew up. Previously, a woman accusing a man of rape needed to have four adult male witnesses in order to prove her suit. As if that's ever going to happen! If she couldn't, she could be jailed for adultery.
Apparently Amnesty has succeeded in putting pressure on the government and the laws have been changed! Well done.
I got home to an email newsletter all about ... you guessed it... domestic violence and the church. Some great articles, including this one with a particularly horrendous story about abuse in a Christian marriage.
Is someone trying to say something to me???
*By the way, I should clarify that I am not, repeat not, the victim of any sort of domestic violence by anybody!
Monday, July 23, 2007
Nine negatives
1. Food I like least: liver and bananas
2. Thing I avoid doing: ringing my friends
3. Housework I dislike most: all of it really
4. Most annoying character flaw: defensiveness
5. I never want to hear this again: The voices of John Laws and Macca
6. Touchy subject that raises my blood pressure: gender inequality
7. Guaranteed to make me crabby: Not getting enough sleep.
8. Career path I never was even tempted towards: preschool teaching or cooking
9. Career path I wanted but had no talent for: ballet dancing or professional singer
2. Thing I avoid doing: ringing my friends
3. Housework I dislike most: all of it really
4. Most annoying character flaw: defensiveness
5. I never want to hear this again: The voices of John Laws and Macca
6. Touchy subject that raises my blood pressure: gender inequality
7. Guaranteed to make me crabby: Not getting enough sleep.
8. Career path I never was even tempted towards: preschool teaching or cooking
9. Career path I wanted but had no talent for: ballet dancing or professional singer
Sunday, July 22, 2007
I read it!
I got the new Harry Potter book yesterday. I sat down once the children had gone to bed about 7.30 and read solidly through until 12.20 - and finished it.
I thought it was a good ending to a great series. Not wholly unexpected, but I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
If you wonder how such a thick book was read in 5 hours... I have a few tricks. Generally I skim the battle scenes (I never understand the details much anyway) and there were a lot of battles in this book. Also, I have an annoying habit which I developed years ago of ignoring the top and bottom inches of the page and only reading the middle. Usually this gives me the jist of the story. Occasionally I have to go back for more information, but it seems to work, unless I'm reading in French.
I thought it was a good ending to a great series. Not wholly unexpected, but I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
If you wonder how such a thick book was read in 5 hours... I have a few tricks. Generally I skim the battle scenes (I never understand the details much anyway) and there were a lot of battles in this book. Also, I have an annoying habit which I developed years ago of ignoring the top and bottom inches of the page and only reading the middle. Usually this gives me the jist of the story. Occasionally I have to go back for more information, but it seems to work, unless I'm reading in French.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
When friendships fall apart... III
... because people change
You hear people say a lot “real friends don’t judge. They are happy for whatever makes the other person happy.”
That's true – but only to a certain extent.
Friends are friends because they have something in common. But if one person changes or follows a different route in life, or makes a decision the other one doesn’t agree with, it is hard for a friendship to continue the same as it has been.
A Christian friend of mine at uni started to withdraw from church and spend lots of time with another girl at our college. Eventually it turned out that they were having a lesbian affair. Yep. It was hard to be friends with her.
Another Christian friend went through a difficult situation when her husband left her after only 6 years of marriage. We spent a lot of time together, reading the Bible, and trying to understand what happened, and how things could be resolved.
Then she started meeting less often. She’d been out to a nightclub, met a new fellow and was now sleeping with him. I found it very difficult to keep the friendship at the same level that it had been.
Obviously, you should be wise about what things really do show a 'different direction' and what things are merely trivial.
For example, if your friend turned vegetarian, and you didn't really have strong opinions about it, but you found it slightly annoying, this probably wouldn't be something your friendship would fall apart over. (If it did, you might have some control issues you needed to look at!)
But if you were both ardent vegetarians and you had built your life around your beliefs, and your friend turned into a meat eater, you might find it very difficult to hang out with them any more.
This is an area for wisdom and prayer.
You can’t control your friends, nor should you try. You can’t make anyone do what you would do. But you can express your opinion, if asked for.
If you really can’t continue in the friendship, express why – honestly and with love - to your friend.
If you change, you may expect your friendships to change too, even if you change in good ways, not bad. People who come out of alcoholic or drug addictions often say that their friendships change because they no longer do what they did before.
What can you do? Understand that people do change. And relationships will often change too. You can’t expect someone to stay the same all their lives. Support people as far as you can, don’t try to control them.
But if it’s impossible for you to stay in the same friendship with them, tell them, grieve the loss and find new friends.
You hear people say a lot “real friends don’t judge. They are happy for whatever makes the other person happy.”
That's true – but only to a certain extent.
Friends are friends because they have something in common. But if one person changes or follows a different route in life, or makes a decision the other one doesn’t agree with, it is hard for a friendship to continue the same as it has been.
A Christian friend of mine at uni started to withdraw from church and spend lots of time with another girl at our college. Eventually it turned out that they were having a lesbian affair. Yep. It was hard to be friends with her.
Another Christian friend went through a difficult situation when her husband left her after only 6 years of marriage. We spent a lot of time together, reading the Bible, and trying to understand what happened, and how things could be resolved.
Then she started meeting less often. She’d been out to a nightclub, met a new fellow and was now sleeping with him. I found it very difficult to keep the friendship at the same level that it had been.
Obviously, you should be wise about what things really do show a 'different direction' and what things are merely trivial.
For example, if your friend turned vegetarian, and you didn't really have strong opinions about it, but you found it slightly annoying, this probably wouldn't be something your friendship would fall apart over. (If it did, you might have some control issues you needed to look at!)
But if you were both ardent vegetarians and you had built your life around your beliefs, and your friend turned into a meat eater, you might find it very difficult to hang out with them any more.
This is an area for wisdom and prayer.
You can’t control your friends, nor should you try. You can’t make anyone do what you would do. But you can express your opinion, if asked for.
If you really can’t continue in the friendship, express why – honestly and with love - to your friend.
If you change, you may expect your friendships to change too, even if you change in good ways, not bad. People who come out of alcoholic or drug addictions often say that their friendships change because they no longer do what they did before.
What can you do? Understand that people do change. And relationships will often change too. You can’t expect someone to stay the same all their lives. Support people as far as you can, don’t try to control them.
But if it’s impossible for you to stay in the same friendship with them, tell them, grieve the loss and find new friends.
Friday, July 20, 2007
When friendships fall apart... II
... why does it happen and what can I do?
Friendships can falter because of natural changes in time and status.
My good friend and I did not have a fight. We did not have a disagreement. We didn’t particularly change our personalities and reject each other.
What happened, was we grew up. We gained other responsibilities and our lives shifted to new priorities. It happened naturally, and these were not bad changes: I’m talking about getting married, finding a job, having babies.
Where I used to have an hour to write to her, now I spend that hour folding the washing, or tidying up toys, or occasionally chilling out.
And as our responsibilities and priorities have changed, so have our relationships. She used to be in my intimate space. Now my husband and my children are. Time and energy means people who are closer in distance to me fill my personal space now.
No relationship survives in one space for the entire life of the relationship. It can move from one to the other. Often, it has to.
A typical teenage pattern is having a best friend type buddy who you do everything with. But then, hat buddy finds a girlfriend or boyfriend before you do, and all of a sudden they don’t have time for you any more!
That’s hard to take... but it’s a natural shift.
Natural shifts can hurt a lot. Just because they are natural doesn’t mean you might not feel it strongly. But understanding the four spaces can help us see that a friendship might not be dissolving – rather, just moving to a more appropriate space for now.
If you can give your friend the permission to do that, and enjoy the new status of the relationship, you will both be happier.
Friendships can falter because of natural changes in time and status.
My good friend and I did not have a fight. We did not have a disagreement. We didn’t particularly change our personalities and reject each other.
What happened, was we grew up. We gained other responsibilities and our lives shifted to new priorities. It happened naturally, and these were not bad changes: I’m talking about getting married, finding a job, having babies.
Where I used to have an hour to write to her, now I spend that hour folding the washing, or tidying up toys, or occasionally chilling out.
And as our responsibilities and priorities have changed, so have our relationships. She used to be in my intimate space. Now my husband and my children are. Time and energy means people who are closer in distance to me fill my personal space now.
No relationship survives in one space for the entire life of the relationship. It can move from one to the other. Often, it has to.
A typical teenage pattern is having a best friend type buddy who you do everything with. But then, hat buddy finds a girlfriend or boyfriend before you do, and all of a sudden they don’t have time for you any more!
That’s hard to take... but it’s a natural shift.
Natural shifts can hurt a lot. Just because they are natural doesn’t mean you might not feel it strongly. But understanding the four spaces can help us see that a friendship might not be dissolving – rather, just moving to a more appropriate space for now.
If you can give your friend the permission to do that, and enjoy the new status of the relationship, you will both be happier.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
When friendships fall apart... I
"Friends are friends forever,
if the Lord is the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never,
cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands I know
That a lifetime's not too long...
to live as friends."
-Michael W Smith -
This song was sung at my brother’s graduation by a heartfelt senior high choir. Everyone hugged each other, cried and swore lifelong friendship. It seemed impossible that we would ever lose touch. We would make sure that our friendships made the distance.
But 17 years on, I am only regularly in touch with one of those people.
Recently I found a bag of letters I had received in the two years after I came back from Pakistan – aged 16 to 18. I had probably 100 letters from one friend in that period.They were full of her deepest feelings, worries and crushes. I have no doubt I wrote equivalent letters back to her. We were as close as you could be, on two different continents.
But I haven’t spoken to her now in more than 10 years. And we haven’t written personal letters to each other in more than eight.
What went wrong? See tomorrow's post for an answer.
if the Lord is the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never,
cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands I know
That a lifetime's not too long...
to live as friends."
-Michael W Smith -
This song was sung at my brother’s graduation by a heartfelt senior high choir. Everyone hugged each other, cried and swore lifelong friendship. It seemed impossible that we would ever lose touch. We would make sure that our friendships made the distance.
But 17 years on, I am only regularly in touch with one of those people.
Recently I found a bag of letters I had received in the two years after I came back from Pakistan – aged 16 to 18. I had probably 100 letters from one friend in that period.They were full of her deepest feelings, worries and crushes. I have no doubt I wrote equivalent letters back to her. We were as close as you could be, on two different continents.
But I haven’t spoken to her now in more than 10 years. And we haven’t written personal letters to each other in more than eight.
What went wrong? See tomorrow's post for an answer.
Accommodation
We're after a place to stay in Sydney in the last week of August. We have to come up for a big assessment for our little boy and are looking for somewhere to have some family time. Location has to be within 15-20 minutes drive of Maroubra.
Does anyone know of anything cheap or free?
While I'm on the subject, we're looking for a holiday place in the first week of October as well. Sydney would be ok. Beach would be great. Mountains ok too... Cheap or free is the criteria again! But this time we could do a swap... come stay at our place in the beautiful Southern Highlands for a week!
Does anyone know of anything cheap or free?
While I'm on the subject, we're looking for a holiday place in the first week of October as well. Sydney would be ok. Beach would be great. Mountains ok too... Cheap or free is the criteria again! But this time we could do a swap... come stay at our place in the beautiful Southern Highlands for a week!
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Do I have to like everybody?
Here's a question people ask a lot when they think about friendship.
"I have to love everyone... but do I have to like everyone? ...And what’s the difference?"
Sometimes this question means: do I have to treat everyone like my best friend?
Well, no. Different people will fall into different spaces - public, social, personal and intimate. It's a matter of loving them where they are.
When Jesus was asked the question ‘what is the greatest commandment’ he said love God and love your neighbour as yourself. On one level you could understand that to mean you should be best friends with the whole world. Which is completely exhausting and unfeasible.
But then he told the story about the Good Samaritan. What space did that story happen in? Public space, primarily.
Loving your neighbour doesn’t necessarily mean being personally or intimately close to everyone you come across. But it does mean treating everyone with respect, generosity and love appropriate to the space you find yourself in.
You may not like someone in your social space... but that’s no excuse for being cruel or rude, or ignoring them, or paying them out, or gossiping about them.
And if you find yourself in a position to help the person that you don’t like, loving your neighbour requires that you do just that!
So the answer is: no, you don’t have to like everybody. But you do have to love them. And there is a difference.
"I have to love everyone... but do I have to like everyone? ...And what’s the difference?"
Sometimes this question means: do I have to treat everyone like my best friend?
Well, no. Different people will fall into different spaces - public, social, personal and intimate. It's a matter of loving them where they are.
When Jesus was asked the question ‘what is the greatest commandment’ he said love God and love your neighbour as yourself. On one level you could understand that to mean you should be best friends with the whole world. Which is completely exhausting and unfeasible.
But then he told the story about the Good Samaritan. What space did that story happen in? Public space, primarily.
Loving your neighbour doesn’t necessarily mean being personally or intimately close to everyone you come across. But it does mean treating everyone with respect, generosity and love appropriate to the space you find yourself in.
You may not like someone in your social space... but that’s no excuse for being cruel or rude, or ignoring them, or paying them out, or gossiping about them.
And if you find yourself in a position to help the person that you don’t like, loving your neighbour requires that you do just that!
So the answer is: no, you don’t have to like everybody. But you do have to love them. And there is a difference.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Camp
Well the MK camp was a buzz.
It was a real privilege to speak with the 45 or so young people ranging from 13 to 25. I got to know a few of them quite well, but enjoyed the whole group and their creativity.
My favourite part of the camp* was 'bedtime stories', where at 9.30pm every night, they gathered in the lounge and listened to 'Uncle Luke', a uni student with a wonderful voice read poems and excerpts from favourite books like Alice in Wonderland and Narnia.
Other highlights were good music, pleasant people, and very creative games and evening activities.
It was fun giving the talks, and I appreciated their attention, and the fact that they laughed at my fairly lame jokes.
The little boys coped well over the four days, and we arrived home to the rest of our lovely family and an absolutely spotless home! They had tidied it up especially for us.
Camp was good, but it's great to be home.
*I think I'd like to start a regular 'reading aloud' evening. Listening to a story being read aloud is an amazing way to bring it to life and appreciate every word.
It was a real privilege to speak with the 45 or so young people ranging from 13 to 25. I got to know a few of them quite well, but enjoyed the whole group and their creativity.
My favourite part of the camp* was 'bedtime stories', where at 9.30pm every night, they gathered in the lounge and listened to 'Uncle Luke', a uni student with a wonderful voice read poems and excerpts from favourite books like Alice in Wonderland and Narnia.
Other highlights were good music, pleasant people, and very creative games and evening activities.
It was fun giving the talks, and I appreciated their attention, and the fact that they laughed at my fairly lame jokes.
The little boys coped well over the four days, and we arrived home to the rest of our lovely family and an absolutely spotless home! They had tidied it up especially for us.
Camp was good, but it's great to be home.
*I think I'd like to start a regular 'reading aloud' evening. Listening to a story being read aloud is an amazing way to bring it to life and appreciate every word.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Offline briefly
I'm away for the next few days at the MK Camp, giving the much anticipated (from my side anyway) friendship talks. Should be fun. See you soon.
Twelve
We celebrated our twelfth wedding anniversary this week.*
When I first saw my husband, I noticed a few things about him. First, his red hair. Gorgeous. Then I noticed his shoes. Brown brogues. Not white joggers (Hooray - someone with taste!) Then I noticed his posture. Very upright and tall.
I thought to myself: That's a person of integrity and style. Nice looking too. How do I get him interested in me? (The answer to that question is a whole other story.)
It's been a good 12 years and I'm lucky to have him.
*Well, actually, as my daughter just said, "We didn't really celebrate it, did we?" She's right. It was a busy day. But it was nice to notice.
When I first saw my husband, I noticed a few things about him. First, his red hair. Gorgeous. Then I noticed his shoes. Brown brogues. Not white joggers (Hooray - someone with taste!) Then I noticed his posture. Very upright and tall.
I thought to myself: That's a person of integrity and style. Nice looking too. How do I get him interested in me? (The answer to that question is a whole other story.)
It's been a good 12 years and I'm lucky to have him.
*Well, actually, as my daughter just said, "We didn't really celebrate it, did we?" She's right. It was a busy day. But it was nice to notice.
Friday, July 06, 2007
All alone...
The story of Elijah is very instructive for MKs, or anyone who is feeling alone, isolated and misunderstood.
1 Kings 19:10 Elijah replied, "I have zealously served the LORD God Almighty. But the people of Israel have broken their covenant with you, torn down your altars, and killed every one of your prophets. I alone am left, and now they are trying to kill me, too."
Elijah feels alone. He’s dwelling on his isolation, and it’s making him almost arrogant. He’s getting into a sense of forced melancholy – sort of crisis, panic, super-drama.
It’s an easy state for MKs to find themselves in.
“I’m the only one who really understands the world, who really sees the problems in Australia, who really has a relationship with God that means something, who’s really suffered, who really.... " well, you fill in the blank.
It's so easy to find ourselves the hero of an exaggerated super-drama.
But God did not leave Elijah alone. He does not leave us alone either. We would have to go far to be completely isolated. There is always someone to stand with - others who love God.
Why did Elijah not make an effort to find others who were the same as him and seek refuge with them? I don’t know. Maybe fear of being rejected, killed or persecuted?
Maybe it was pride. In a dramatic way, it’s kind of cool to be the only one left! The single hero, solitary figure, misunderstood. There are heaps of movies are built on that romantic ideal.
But interestingly, the single, solitary, misunderstood hero is always seriously flawed - as a result of their isolation. It might be cool or interesting to be isolated for a while. But you will die of it in the end.
It was the grace of God that told Elijah there were 500 others who followed him. Not just two or three. But 500! There are plenty of people around who we can stand with too. We have to face our fears and our pride and go out and identify ourselves with them.
1 Kings 19:10 Elijah replied, "I have zealously served the LORD God Almighty. But the people of Israel have broken their covenant with you, torn down your altars, and killed every one of your prophets. I alone am left, and now they are trying to kill me, too."
Elijah feels alone. He’s dwelling on his isolation, and it’s making him almost arrogant. He’s getting into a sense of forced melancholy – sort of crisis, panic, super-drama.
It’s an easy state for MKs to find themselves in.
“I’m the only one who really understands the world, who really sees the problems in Australia, who really has a relationship with God that means something, who’s really suffered, who really.... " well, you fill in the blank.
It's so easy to find ourselves the hero of an exaggerated super-drama.
But God did not leave Elijah alone. He does not leave us alone either. We would have to go far to be completely isolated. There is always someone to stand with - others who love God.
Why did Elijah not make an effort to find others who were the same as him and seek refuge with them? I don’t know. Maybe fear of being rejected, killed or persecuted?
Maybe it was pride. In a dramatic way, it’s kind of cool to be the only one left! The single hero, solitary figure, misunderstood. There are heaps of movies are built on that romantic ideal.
But interestingly, the single, solitary, misunderstood hero is always seriously flawed - as a result of their isolation. It might be cool or interesting to be isolated for a while. But you will die of it in the end.
It was the grace of God that told Elijah there were 500 others who followed him. Not just two or three. But 500! There are plenty of people around who we can stand with too. We have to face our fears and our pride and go out and identify ourselves with them.
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
The danger of friendship
Friendship is all good, right? How could there be ‘dangers’ from friendship?
I was on a beachmission team when I was 18. It was a really nice team, with some really nice people on it. There were four people I remember. Two boys and two girls. I liked each of them very much.
Trouble was, when the four of them were together, they didn’t talk to anyone else outside of themselves. Trying to join the conversation was impossible. They had so many in-jokes, that they were laughing when no-one else was. They looked so popular, so beautiful, so happy. I wanted to get to know them, but they just weren’t interested.
In their own minds, I think they just saw themselves as four people who got along very very well and had a lot in common, and laughed a lot. But everyone else around saw them as a clique!
How do cliques happen? Well, personal space friendship is selective. If you say “these people are my friends” you must also say “these people are not”.
Close friendship comes when two or a few people discover they have some insight or taste in common which others do not share. And, as we said, we all need this kind of friendship.
But here’s the thing. The closeness of personal space friendship needs to be expressed in personal space.
The four people in my beachmission team had every right to be so friendly to each other. They were each in each other’s personal space. But they didn’t realise that mealtimes and social times with the beachmission team were social space. They needed to act appropriately in the social space.
They could still share friendship, but they needed to be aware of others and be welcoming to outsiders in such a social space.
The same danger of being exclusive applies to couples. My brother had a 21st party for about 50-60 people. He invited a couple from uni – friends of his. I remember them, because they were so unfriendly. They weren’t interested in anyone else from the party. They were only interested in smooching and dancing with each other. They were acting intimately in a social space, and it was disturbing because it excluded every one else. In a way, couples who do this create their own exclusive clique.
Cliques happen because people do not have an attitude of love for others that is appropriate in a social space. They are more interested in carrying on their personal relationships in a public and social space. That’s enjoyable, and probably fun for those people who do that. But it is not fun for everyone else. It excludes.
If you’re in a clique, it’s so easy to forget other people. You hardly even see them. But love is seeing the people around you. Loving is including people. Loving is acting appropriately so that everyone is respected and given the honour due to them as God’s creation.
I was on a beachmission team when I was 18. It was a really nice team, with some really nice people on it. There were four people I remember. Two boys and two girls. I liked each of them very much.
Trouble was, when the four of them were together, they didn’t talk to anyone else outside of themselves. Trying to join the conversation was impossible. They had so many in-jokes, that they were laughing when no-one else was. They looked so popular, so beautiful, so happy. I wanted to get to know them, but they just weren’t interested.
In their own minds, I think they just saw themselves as four people who got along very very well and had a lot in common, and laughed a lot. But everyone else around saw them as a clique!
How do cliques happen? Well, personal space friendship is selective. If you say “these people are my friends” you must also say “these people are not”.
Close friendship comes when two or a few people discover they have some insight or taste in common which others do not share. And, as we said, we all need this kind of friendship.
But here’s the thing. The closeness of personal space friendship needs to be expressed in personal space.
The four people in my beachmission team had every right to be so friendly to each other. They were each in each other’s personal space. But they didn’t realise that mealtimes and social times with the beachmission team were social space. They needed to act appropriately in the social space.
They could still share friendship, but they needed to be aware of others and be welcoming to outsiders in such a social space.
The same danger of being exclusive applies to couples. My brother had a 21st party for about 50-60 people. He invited a couple from uni – friends of his. I remember them, because they were so unfriendly. They weren’t interested in anyone else from the party. They were only interested in smooching and dancing with each other. They were acting intimately in a social space, and it was disturbing because it excluded every one else. In a way, couples who do this create their own exclusive clique.
Cliques happen because people do not have an attitude of love for others that is appropriate in a social space. They are more interested in carrying on their personal relationships in a public and social space. That’s enjoyable, and probably fun for those people who do that. But it is not fun for everyone else. It excludes.
If you’re in a clique, it’s so easy to forget other people. You hardly even see them. But love is seeing the people around you. Loving is including people. Loving is acting appropriately so that everyone is respected and given the honour due to them as God’s creation.
Monday, July 02, 2007
Bonding
And this is the dog jacket in progress. My daughter has taken up knitting with me. So far her 10 stitches have increased to 23... don't know how! She has the cutest wooden knitting needles with pink polka dot ends!
Dog blog
Here's my beautiful dog in his gorgeous new hand-knitted sweater. I think the colour suits him, don't you?
Best friends V
The third word in our trinity of relationship characteristics is interdependence. For good, healthy, close relationships, we need to follow the character of God and have togetherness, difference and interdependence.
Interdependence is where togetherness and difference come together. It is difference from independence. That focuses only on difference. It’s different from enmeshment. That focuses only on togetherness.
Interdependence is tricky to get right.
Here are some ways to get it wrong.
- Jo is so scared that her friends will reject her that she never has an opinion on anything because it might not be the same opinion that they have. She pretends she knows all about the music they talk about even though she doesn’t have a clue. She doesn’t really know what she thinks about anything, so she is really good at appearing to agree with other people all the time. Sometimes her friends have said some pretty mean things about her, but she can’t stand up to them and tell them they have hurt her. It would mean the end of the friendship. She doesn’t know that people think she’s a wimp, and boring and a lifeless sort of whale who just hangs around. She’s an easy target because she won’t do anything.
- Sarah is really good at taking care of others. She’s very responsible and she feels a rush of energy when people seem to need her to do things for them or sort out their problems. She notices that all her friends seem to have major crises in their lives and she’s very very busy looking after them all. It’s funny though – fixing up their lives doesn’t seem to help them get it together the next time! They still seem to do stupid things. She starts to get cross with them as well as doing everything for them, but they just won’t listen! She doesn’t know that when she takes care of people, it’s actually making them out to be inferior to her – people who don’t really know what to do. The people who end up as her friends will use her to get things, but never really change their behaviour.
- Nick is really popular and has heaps of friends. At least he has heaps of people who hang around him and want to be with him. He knows how to make people feel really special – when he’s with them. Too bad he doesn’t return anyone’s calls or share himself with any of them. He doesn’t know that he leaves behind a lot of broken hearts – not just romantically, but people who have thought he was their good friend, but have realised he wasn’t really interested in them.
- Sean has heaps of opinions, but they are pretty much all negative. If anyone expresses enthusiasm about something, he knows a snide comment that will bring them down or make them look stupid. He’s excellent at making jokey comments about his friends that have a sting in their tail, but “I’m just joking.” His friends think they must be a little sensitive, because they keep feeling hurt, but that’s just Sean’s sense of humour right? He doesn’t know that he will eventually have no friends because it just hurts too much for the people around him to keep being poked in the eye.
- Steve is a really really nice guy. Everyone loves him. He’s really obliging – he’ll agree to do anything and is really willing to go places and do helpful things for people. Oh, but he keeps forgetting little things. And then he doesn’t quite turn up. But he has a really good excuse each time, and he’s quick to say sorry. But it happens a lot, and if his friends pull him up on it, they’re accusing him and it’s their fault for asking him to do it in the first place. Steve doesn’t know that he actually a really really angry guy on the inside. The reasons he forgets things and doesn’t keep his promises is because he will do whatever he can to keep people happy for the moment... but the only way he can assert his independence is to not do what people want him to. He doesn’t know that eventually he will lose his closest relationships because no-one can live with those kinds of untruths forever.
For interdependence you need
To be sure that God loves you and is working in you to change you
To know yourself and your own gifts, talents and vulnerabilities
To be sure that God loves the other person and is working in them to change them
To respect the other person’s differences, gifts, talents and vulnerabilities
To be sure that you are not God and cannot solve other people’s problems
To trust and be trustworthy
To be able to speak the truth if and when necessary, even if this is hard
To be encouraging and loving in your words and actions
To be willing to say sorry
To be willing to forgive
Interdependence is where togetherness and difference come together. It is difference from independence. That focuses only on difference. It’s different from enmeshment. That focuses only on togetherness.
Interdependence is tricky to get right.
Here are some ways to get it wrong.
- Jo is so scared that her friends will reject her that she never has an opinion on anything because it might not be the same opinion that they have. She pretends she knows all about the music they talk about even though she doesn’t have a clue. She doesn’t really know what she thinks about anything, so she is really good at appearing to agree with other people all the time. Sometimes her friends have said some pretty mean things about her, but she can’t stand up to them and tell them they have hurt her. It would mean the end of the friendship. She doesn’t know that people think she’s a wimp, and boring and a lifeless sort of whale who just hangs around. She’s an easy target because she won’t do anything.
- Sarah is really good at taking care of others. She’s very responsible and she feels a rush of energy when people seem to need her to do things for them or sort out their problems. She notices that all her friends seem to have major crises in their lives and she’s very very busy looking after them all. It’s funny though – fixing up their lives doesn’t seem to help them get it together the next time! They still seem to do stupid things. She starts to get cross with them as well as doing everything for them, but they just won’t listen! She doesn’t know that when she takes care of people, it’s actually making them out to be inferior to her – people who don’t really know what to do. The people who end up as her friends will use her to get things, but never really change their behaviour.
- Nick is really popular and has heaps of friends. At least he has heaps of people who hang around him and want to be with him. He knows how to make people feel really special – when he’s with them. Too bad he doesn’t return anyone’s calls or share himself with any of them. He doesn’t know that he leaves behind a lot of broken hearts – not just romantically, but people who have thought he was their good friend, but have realised he wasn’t really interested in them.
- Sean has heaps of opinions, but they are pretty much all negative. If anyone expresses enthusiasm about something, he knows a snide comment that will bring them down or make them look stupid. He’s excellent at making jokey comments about his friends that have a sting in their tail, but “I’m just joking.” His friends think they must be a little sensitive, because they keep feeling hurt, but that’s just Sean’s sense of humour right? He doesn’t know that he will eventually have no friends because it just hurts too much for the people around him to keep being poked in the eye.
- Steve is a really really nice guy. Everyone loves him. He’s really obliging – he’ll agree to do anything and is really willing to go places and do helpful things for people. Oh, but he keeps forgetting little things. And then he doesn’t quite turn up. But he has a really good excuse each time, and he’s quick to say sorry. But it happens a lot, and if his friends pull him up on it, they’re accusing him and it’s their fault for asking him to do it in the first place. Steve doesn’t know that he actually a really really angry guy on the inside. The reasons he forgets things and doesn’t keep his promises is because he will do whatever he can to keep people happy for the moment... but the only way he can assert his independence is to not do what people want him to. He doesn’t know that eventually he will lose his closest relationships because no-one can live with those kinds of untruths forever.
For interdependence you need
To be sure that God loves you and is working in you to change you
To know yourself and your own gifts, talents and vulnerabilities
To be sure that God loves the other person and is working in them to change them
To respect the other person’s differences, gifts, talents and vulnerabilities
To be sure that you are not God and cannot solve other people’s problems
To trust and be trustworthy
To be able to speak the truth if and when necessary, even if this is hard
To be encouraging and loving in your words and actions
To be willing to say sorry
To be willing to forgive
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Best friends IV
Togetherness is important, but difference is also a crucial part of healthy relationships.
I am a different person from you. You are not the same person as me. Even the person I am closest to – say, my husband or my mother or father. They are different from me.
I love quilting and making my own clothes. My mother thinks sewing is too hard and it gives her a headache. She trained as an infants teacher. I couldn’t think of anything worse than spending hours per day in a room full of little children. She’s neat. I’m kind of messy.
My husband and I are quite different. He likes cricket. I can’t see the point. I love going for walks. He’d rather stay home. I go to bed early with a book. He stays up late and watches sci fi movies.
Sometimes these differences cause friction. Why can’t everyone be more like me? It would make life so much easier!
Being different from other people is a problem that all MKs come up against. “We can’t relate to them. They can’t relate to us. We have nothing in common.” Feeling like a fish out of water is a really horrible feeling.
Probably everyone has this problem too. In fact, I'm sure they do. Where else does racism come from? And tight little sub-cultures? Even cliques at school are based on this feeling.
What if we could turn around the thinking about it though? Rather than seeing difference as something that alienates us, we could see it as proof of God’s richness and diversity.
Yes, it’s easier to be good friends with people who are like us. But there is so much to be gained from people who are not like us in personality, background, interests and all areas of life.
Let’s see difference as a benefit – a growth, a stretching. Let’s not see it as something to avoid or run away from.
This is hard when you’re a teenager. The big thing of the teenage years is that everyone has to be the same as everyone else. But cheerfully, it gets easier as time goes on.
When people find out where I’m from, they now think it’s interesting. When I was a teenager, they often found it weird. And I’m at the point where I can find many interesting things in people who have had different experiences from me.
We went out to dinner last week with a family who have been in this area forever. Both people had great-grandparents who had lived in the Southern Highlands. They were truly local.
As a 16 year old I probably would have scoffed at that. “How staid, how smallminded, how boring, how normal!” But now I can see that they have a richness of community and fellowship that I can’t really understand. They have a way in for the gospel amongst the other locals, who might not take newcomers seriously. I think their experience is really interesting and I love to find out about it.
Everyone out there has a different story to tell. Let's get out there and find other people’s stories. Show you’re interested in their difference, and they’ll be interested in yours.
Difference is richness. And essential for great relationships.
I am a different person from you. You are not the same person as me. Even the person I am closest to – say, my husband or my mother or father. They are different from me.
I love quilting and making my own clothes. My mother thinks sewing is too hard and it gives her a headache. She trained as an infants teacher. I couldn’t think of anything worse than spending hours per day in a room full of little children. She’s neat. I’m kind of messy.
My husband and I are quite different. He likes cricket. I can’t see the point. I love going for walks. He’d rather stay home. I go to bed early with a book. He stays up late and watches sci fi movies.
Sometimes these differences cause friction. Why can’t everyone be more like me? It would make life so much easier!
Being different from other people is a problem that all MKs come up against. “We can’t relate to them. They can’t relate to us. We have nothing in common.” Feeling like a fish out of water is a really horrible feeling.
Probably everyone has this problem too. In fact, I'm sure they do. Where else does racism come from? And tight little sub-cultures? Even cliques at school are based on this feeling.
What if we could turn around the thinking about it though? Rather than seeing difference as something that alienates us, we could see it as proof of God’s richness and diversity.
Yes, it’s easier to be good friends with people who are like us. But there is so much to be gained from people who are not like us in personality, background, interests and all areas of life.
Let’s see difference as a benefit – a growth, a stretching. Let’s not see it as something to avoid or run away from.
This is hard when you’re a teenager. The big thing of the teenage years is that everyone has to be the same as everyone else. But cheerfully, it gets easier as time goes on.
When people find out where I’m from, they now think it’s interesting. When I was a teenager, they often found it weird. And I’m at the point where I can find many interesting things in people who have had different experiences from me.
We went out to dinner last week with a family who have been in this area forever. Both people had great-grandparents who had lived in the Southern Highlands. They were truly local.
As a 16 year old I probably would have scoffed at that. “How staid, how smallminded, how boring, how normal!” But now I can see that they have a richness of community and fellowship that I can’t really understand. They have a way in for the gospel amongst the other locals, who might not take newcomers seriously. I think their experience is really interesting and I love to find out about it.
Everyone out there has a different story to tell. Let's get out there and find other people’s stories. Show you’re interested in their difference, and they’ll be interested in yours.
Difference is richness. And essential for great relationships.
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