I mentioned a few weeks back that the issue of domestic violence has been on my mind recently, and things keep popping up about it everywhere I go! This week I read a great piece about it in a Christian periodical, so I've decided to spend the next few posts quoting from the article.
The article is called Clergy Responses to Domestic Violence by Steven R Tracy. It comes from Priscilla Papers, vol 21, no 2. Spring 2007. It's 5000 words long, and most likely copyright in its entirety, so I'm pinching bits and pieces. Everything below is a direct quote unless indicated otherwise, but the quotes are not necessarily in the same order in the article.
Domestic violence is an issue that is probably more common than most people think, but no -one talks about... ever!
Domestic violence is the use or threat of physical violence to control a family member or intimate partner. In other words, it is the use of force to control someone who should be treated with great love and respect.
Domestic violence involves more than just acts that cause physical injury. It involves both the use of physical force and the threat of physical force to control another. And domestic violence that does not cause actual physical injury does cause emotional/psychological injury.
Various research studies reveal that physical and sexual abuse rates are not appreciably lower amongst the churched than the unchurched, but are shockingly high.
[A 1989 study by the Christian Reformed Church (US) based on adults’ self-reporting of previous abuse found that] 28 per cent reported having experienced at least one of three types of abuse – physical abuse or neglect, sexual abuse or emotional abuse.]
In general, 22-33 per cent of American women will be assaulted by intimate partners in their lifetimes.
The Surgeon General (US) has reported that domestic violence accounts for more adults female emergency room visits than traffic accidents, muggings and rapes combined, and is the greatest single cause of injury to American women.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Monday, August 13, 2007
Fog in head
I didn't eat dinner with the kids last night. I like to wait until they've gone to bed before I make my Sunday night two-egg omelette with cheese, tomato and fresh coriander.
I could feel my blood sugar dropping a little, but didn't worry about it too much as I thought I could last the half hour before 7pm when the oldest goes to bed.
We were playing chess and were on our second game when all of a sudden I looked at the board and thought, "I don't know what colour pieces I am playing with. And which way do those pawns go? Up the board or down?"
It looked like a dreadful mash of black and white and I said to my daughter, "You win. I can't play. I've got to eat."
The same thing happened again today. I was sorting the washing mid-afternoon and thought, "I don't know what piece of clothing I'm holding, nor which pile it goes on."
It happens pretty regularly. I rarely know what day it is, and never the date. Whenever someone asks me "how has your week been?" I have to say, "I honestly don't know because I can't remember."
Brain fog. It makes me feel for my boy who has learning problems! He must feel like this all the time.
I could feel my blood sugar dropping a little, but didn't worry about it too much as I thought I could last the half hour before 7pm when the oldest goes to bed.
We were playing chess and were on our second game when all of a sudden I looked at the board and thought, "I don't know what colour pieces I am playing with. And which way do those pawns go? Up the board or down?"
It looked like a dreadful mash of black and white and I said to my daughter, "You win. I can't play. I've got to eat."
The same thing happened again today. I was sorting the washing mid-afternoon and thought, "I don't know what piece of clothing I'm holding, nor which pile it goes on."
It happens pretty regularly. I rarely know what day it is, and never the date. Whenever someone asks me "how has your week been?" I have to say, "I honestly don't know because I can't remember."
Brain fog. It makes me feel for my boy who has learning problems! He must feel like this all the time.
Makes you think
I read this modern day 'parable' yesterday*.
The man lay in the street, bleeding, the hit and run driver gone. He needed medical help immediately but he kept pleading, "don't take me to the hospital please".
Surprised, everyone around asked "why not?"
"I'm on the staff at the hospital," he said. "It would be embarrassing for them to see me like this. They have never seen me bleeding and dirty. They know me as clean and healthy."
"But hospital is just the place for you. Can't we call an ambulance?" they answered.
"No, please don't. I took a pedestrian safety course and the instructor would criticise me for getting hit," he said.
"Who cares what the instructor thinks? You need medical attention," they said.
"Well, the administration clerk would be upset too," the man answered. "She always gets upset if anyone who's being admitted doesn't have all the details they need to fill out the records. I didn't see who hit me, and I don't know the make of car or licence number. She wouldn't understand. She's a real stickler for records. Worse than that, I don't have my medical insurance card."
"Why is that such a problem?" they asked.
"Well, they won't recognise me in this state, and they wouldn't let me in if I don't have the card. They must be sure it's not going to cost them anything. They protect the institution. Look, just pull me over to the curb. I'll make it some way. It's my fault I got hit. Why should the nurses get their clean uniforms dirty with me? They would criticise me."
With that, he pulled himself up and stumbled to the curb, trying to stem his own bleeding.
The question for us is this. The church is the place for healing for sinners and the sinned-against in this world. But will we help or criticise?
*quoted in a book called Healing Memories by David Seamands, but originally by Fred Smith of Dallas, Texas.
The man lay in the street, bleeding, the hit and run driver gone. He needed medical help immediately but he kept pleading, "don't take me to the hospital please".
Surprised, everyone around asked "why not?"
"I'm on the staff at the hospital," he said. "It would be embarrassing for them to see me like this. They have never seen me bleeding and dirty. They know me as clean and healthy."
"But hospital is just the place for you. Can't we call an ambulance?" they answered.
"No, please don't. I took a pedestrian safety course and the instructor would criticise me for getting hit," he said.
"Who cares what the instructor thinks? You need medical attention," they said.
"Well, the administration clerk would be upset too," the man answered. "She always gets upset if anyone who's being admitted doesn't have all the details they need to fill out the records. I didn't see who hit me, and I don't know the make of car or licence number. She wouldn't understand. She's a real stickler for records. Worse than that, I don't have my medical insurance card."
"Why is that such a problem?" they asked.
"Well, they won't recognise me in this state, and they wouldn't let me in if I don't have the card. They must be sure it's not going to cost them anything. They protect the institution. Look, just pull me over to the curb. I'll make it some way. It's my fault I got hit. Why should the nurses get their clean uniforms dirty with me? They would criticise me."
With that, he pulled himself up and stumbled to the curb, trying to stem his own bleeding.
The question for us is this. The church is the place for healing for sinners and the sinned-against in this world. But will we help or criticise?
*quoted in a book called Healing Memories by David Seamands, but originally by Fred Smith of Dallas, Texas.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
More belonging
Our church is doing a bit of a thing on 1 Corinthians at the moment. We're up to chapter 12 and the exposition about spiritual gifts and it fell to me on Thursday night to lead the young adults bible study on this topic.
We had questions about what spiritual gifts were, and what it meant to be one body with many parts. Then we came to some practical questions for our week-to-week church life. We were asked to think about how to encourage people in our congregation to use their spiritual gifts for the good of all.
"How can we do this?" I posed the question to the group.
I don't know what answers I was expecting, but I was surprised to notice that all of the conversation after this centred around feeling a sense of belonging to the people in the congregation rather than gifts and how to use them.
Perhaps using our gifts arises more naturally out of being in healthy relationships. Perhaps when we focus on the gift, we are being a little bit strained or forced.
Perhaps we should be concentrating on growing community and relationships and from there encouraging each individual - already loved and valued by the group - to share their strengths and gifts with everyone.
We had questions about what spiritual gifts were, and what it meant to be one body with many parts. Then we came to some practical questions for our week-to-week church life. We were asked to think about how to encourage people in our congregation to use their spiritual gifts for the good of all.
"How can we do this?" I posed the question to the group.
I don't know what answers I was expecting, but I was surprised to notice that all of the conversation after this centred around feeling a sense of belonging to the people in the congregation rather than gifts and how to use them.
Perhaps using our gifts arises more naturally out of being in healthy relationships. Perhaps when we focus on the gift, we are being a little bit strained or forced.
Perhaps we should be concentrating on growing community and relationships and from there encouraging each individual - already loved and valued by the group - to share their strengths and gifts with everyone.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Books
Some books I've read recently:
No-one takes my Children: Donya somebody.
I made no effort to remember her surname because I was thoroughly unimpressed by her as a person. She became mildly famous for helping women in England get their children back after their husbands had abducted them and taken them overseas - particularly to the Middle East. However she neglected to notice that her own husband was getting ready to snatch his own two children. Donya lies, manipulates and self-justifies her way through life to get her own way and calls it working for the greater good of keeping children with their mothers.
The Contemplative Pastor: Eugene H Peterson
This I picked up today and looked at over lunch and was very impressed with it. I'm definitely going to read it - if only because it has a chapter called 'The Ministry of Small Talk'.
The Spellman Files: Lisa Lutz
This is a hilarious tale of a very dysfunctional family of private detectives. Everyone's in the business, so they know exactly how to spy on each other. The voice is very fresh, the characters very flawed. I don't like Isabel much but I love the whole story.
The Secret River: Kate Grenville
I was very happy to get this for my birthday because I had heard a lot about it. It's an award-winning novel based on research into Grenville's own family history. The first half was wonderful. The second half I have yet to get through, and the reason is entirely that I'm not overly keen on the Australian bush. If you love Australian landscapes and know the Hawkesbury in particular, you will relish this, but I have yet to develop the enthusiasm.
No-one takes my Children: Donya somebody.
I made no effort to remember her surname because I was thoroughly unimpressed by her as a person. She became mildly famous for helping women in England get their children back after their husbands had abducted them and taken them overseas - particularly to the Middle East. However she neglected to notice that her own husband was getting ready to snatch his own two children. Donya lies, manipulates and self-justifies her way through life to get her own way and calls it working for the greater good of keeping children with their mothers.
The Contemplative Pastor: Eugene H Peterson
This I picked up today and looked at over lunch and was very impressed with it. I'm definitely going to read it - if only because it has a chapter called 'The Ministry of Small Talk'.
The Spellman Files: Lisa Lutz
This is a hilarious tale of a very dysfunctional family of private detectives. Everyone's in the business, so they know exactly how to spy on each other. The voice is very fresh, the characters very flawed. I don't like Isabel much but I love the whole story.
The Secret River: Kate Grenville
I was very happy to get this for my birthday because I had heard a lot about it. It's an award-winning novel based on research into Grenville's own family history. The first half was wonderful. The second half I have yet to get through, and the reason is entirely that I'm not overly keen on the Australian bush. If you love Australian landscapes and know the Hawkesbury in particular, you will relish this, but I have yet to develop the enthusiasm.
Monday, August 06, 2007
Mmmm
I have a new favourite snack now that I'm trying to avoid added sugar. I discovered that if you combine pecan nuts and sultanas, it tastes just like one of my favourite desserts - pecan pie!
I am also continuing to try to hide vegetables in food in creative ways. Today's recipe is a potato chocolate cake and it's absolutely smooth and gorgeous.
1 cup butter
2 cups sugar (I only put one in)
4 eggs
2 oz melted chocolate (I substituted 1/2 cup cocoa)
1 tsp vanilla
1 cup cold mashed potatoes (well mashed, no lumps)
1 tsp baking soda
2 cups flour
1 tsp salt
3/4 cup sour milk or butter milk (or just add a dash of lemon juice to the milk)
Cream the butter and sugar, add in eggs, cocoa, vanilla and potatoes, beating as you go. Add in dry ingredients, alternating with the milk. Mix well. Bake at 180C for 45 mins.
I am also continuing to try to hide vegetables in food in creative ways. Today's recipe is a potato chocolate cake and it's absolutely smooth and gorgeous.
1 cup butter
2 cups sugar (I only put one in)
4 eggs
2 oz melted chocolate (I substituted 1/2 cup cocoa)
1 tsp vanilla
1 cup cold mashed potatoes (well mashed, no lumps)
1 tsp baking soda
2 cups flour
1 tsp salt
3/4 cup sour milk or butter milk (or just add a dash of lemon juice to the milk)
Cream the butter and sugar, add in eggs, cocoa, vanilla and potatoes, beating as you go. Add in dry ingredients, alternating with the milk. Mix well. Bake at 180C for 45 mins.
Sunday, August 05, 2007
Better Together
I had a great day at the Better Together conference on Saturday.
Most people who know me will know that I hold 'egalitarian' views on what the Bible says about men and women. People like me find ourselves in a bit of a minority in Sydney evangelical circles, so it was nice to meet with others of like mind.
Grahame Cole of Trinity Evangelical College (I think) was the keynote speaker and gave two very interesting and easy to understand talks, one on the Trinity question, and the other on the textual questions underpinning the egalitarian view - especially focusing on 1 Timothy 2.
If anyone is interested in hearing the egalitarian side, Cole presented in a fair, loving and generous way and made what can be quite a complex argument clear and well thought out. The talks were recorded and will be able to be downloaded for free from the Better Together website.
The thing I appreciated from the conference was the lack of any bitterness, rancour or anger,. It was obvious that it had been put together in a spirit of prayerfulness and love.
Most people who know me will know that I hold 'egalitarian' views on what the Bible says about men and women. People like me find ourselves in a bit of a minority in Sydney evangelical circles, so it was nice to meet with others of like mind.
Grahame Cole of Trinity Evangelical College (I think) was the keynote speaker and gave two very interesting and easy to understand talks, one on the Trinity question, and the other on the textual questions underpinning the egalitarian view - especially focusing on 1 Timothy 2.
If anyone is interested in hearing the egalitarian side, Cole presented in a fair, loving and generous way and made what can be quite a complex argument clear and well thought out. The talks were recorded and will be able to be downloaded for free from the Better Together website.
The thing I appreciated from the conference was the lack of any bitterness, rancour or anger,. It was obvious that it had been put together in a spirit of prayerfulness and love.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Real what?
Today I am wearing a pair of straight jeans, white t-shirt and a checked collared/cuffed shirt that used to belong to my aunty. It's sort of classic country attire.
Why am I telling you this? Only because my 7 year old daughter looked at me with satisfaction this morning as I was taking her to school.
"I like you in that shirt Mum," she said, "You look more real."
"More real? More real than what?" I asked.
"You look like a more real mother," she said.
[me slightly gobsmacked...] "Do you mean I look really boring?" I asked.
"No, you just look like a real mum," she said.
Hmmm. It must be that leopard skin leotard I wear so often....
Why am I telling you this? Only because my 7 year old daughter looked at me with satisfaction this morning as I was taking her to school.
"I like you in that shirt Mum," she said, "You look more real."
"More real? More real than what?" I asked.
"You look like a more real mother," she said.
[me slightly gobsmacked...] "Do you mean I look really boring?" I asked.
"No, you just look like a real mum," she said.
Hmmm. It must be that leopard skin leotard I wear so often....
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Underground?
I've joined up to Facebook and gotten in touch with a number of old school friends as well as catching up with some mates from uni. It's been kind of fun to see faces and send updates.
When you ask someone to 'be your friend', you have to write in where you know them from and the years you knew them. The Facebook program takes all this information and creates a 'social timeline' for you, listing where you were during which year.
I was a little bit miffed to read this on my social timeline:
2006- 2007 - You were at Moore College Buthargra
1991-2005 - You went underground for a few years
1990 - Murree Christian School
I did not go underground! I had a perfectly good life thank you very much. I studied, worked, got married, had a baby, bought a house, made friends!
Just because Facebook doesn't know about me doesn't mean that I 'went underground'!
When you ask someone to 'be your friend', you have to write in where you know them from and the years you knew them. The Facebook program takes all this information and creates a 'social timeline' for you, listing where you were during which year.
I was a little bit miffed to read this on my social timeline:
2006- 2007 - You were at Moore College Buthargra
1991-2005 - You went underground for a few years
1990 - Murree Christian School
I did not go underground! I had a perfectly good life thank you very much. I studied, worked, got married, had a baby, bought a house, made friends!
Just because Facebook doesn't know about me doesn't mean that I 'went underground'!
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Swearing
I have developed an icky habit of letting loose a few expletives in my head when I'm particularly frustrated or irritated.
It's not so good for me, and it's not good for anyone else around me if a word accidentally slips out.
I've been a little convicted about it, and have been trying to work out how to get rid of it.
A cheesy rhyme sprang into my head the other day and now whenever I start to get mad, I think: "Swap swear words for prayer words."
It's groan-worthy, but it's working.
It's not so good for me, and it's not good for anyone else around me if a word accidentally slips out.
I've been a little convicted about it, and have been trying to work out how to get rid of it.
A cheesy rhyme sprang into my head the other day and now whenever I start to get mad, I think: "Swap swear words for prayer words."
It's groan-worthy, but it's working.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
This year
Ever since I was about 15, I have written two lists on my birthday.
The first is looking back at the previous year. I list the things that have happened, the things I've done, the things I'm pleased with, the things I wished I had done differently, the things I've learned and whatever else takes my fancy.
The second list is for the things I want to do, or improve in, or learn, or think about, or change.
The first list seems too personal to publish on a blog, so here's an edited version of my second list.
Things I'm aiming for, hoping for, praying for, and working towards when I'm 34
The first is looking back at the previous year. I list the things that have happened, the things I've done, the things I'm pleased with, the things I wished I had done differently, the things I've learned and whatever else takes my fancy.
The second list is for the things I want to do, or improve in, or learn, or think about, or change.
The first list seems too personal to publish on a blog, so here's an edited version of my second list.
Things I'm aiming for, hoping for, praying for, and working towards when I'm 34
- to grow in patience and love for people
- to cook more nutritious meals for the family - that they will eat!
- to finish my book on friendship and find a publisher
- to read the Bible more
- to speak loving truth in all my relationships
- to sleep longer hours and eat better food and have more energy
- to start writing my novel
Move the page down
I've got to post something else so that the page moves down.
When I looked at the blog this afternoon, all I could see was me staring back at myself. It looks intensely egotistical, even though it's not meant to be! I was truly only trying to show you my hair colour. And then I wanted to change the profile picture and didn't know how to do it without posting the new photo first.
I'll leave some space, and hopefully the pictures will have moved down a little!
When I looked at the blog this afternoon, all I could see was me staring back at myself. It looks intensely egotistical, even though it's not meant to be! I was truly only trying to show you my hair colour. And then I wanted to change the profile picture and didn't know how to do it without posting the new photo first.
I'll leave some space, and hopefully the pictures will have moved down a little!
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Happy birthday to me
It's my birthday in a few days and my lovely parents and Pop came down for a celebratory dinner tonight.
Dinner: Indian takeaway. Presents: great black jumper and huge wok (parents and Pop) and the new Kate Grenville book (parents in law). I've already had Harry Potter from the family and now have to wait until Tuesday for the rest!
The other exciting thing for the day was... ta dah... my new hair colour.
The other exciting thing for the day was... ta dah... my new hair colour.
Husband came home from the supermarket with a box of black hair dye (he went out for coffee, icing sugar and milk) and said, "Hey let's try this!" He read all the instructions and put it on for me and now I look super-cool!
If you're in Mittagong on Thursday, join me for birthday lunch with some friends. Email for details as to when and where!
If you're in Mittagong on Thursday, join me for birthday lunch with some friends. Email for details as to when and where!
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Popping up at all angles
The theme of my day was domestic violence, which is something I have been thinking about recently.
We went up to Sydney today. I managed to visit a shopping mall and headed with a plan to the Body Shop to buy some makeup. Plastered all over their windows is a campaign to break the silence on relationship abuse. I picked up a very good brochure and went on my way.
On my way back to the car, I passed an Amnesty International booth and was asked to sign a petition to end violence against women. Of course I did so, and then got chatting to the fellow about rape laws in the country where I grew up. Previously, a woman accusing a man of rape needed to have four adult male witnesses in order to prove her suit. As if that's ever going to happen! If she couldn't, she could be jailed for adultery.
Apparently Amnesty has succeeded in putting pressure on the government and the laws have been changed! Well done.
I got home to an email newsletter all about ... you guessed it... domestic violence and the church. Some great articles, including this one with a particularly horrendous story about abuse in a Christian marriage.
Is someone trying to say something to me???
*By the way, I should clarify that I am not, repeat not, the victim of any sort of domestic violence by anybody!
We went up to Sydney today. I managed to visit a shopping mall and headed with a plan to the Body Shop to buy some makeup. Plastered all over their windows is a campaign to break the silence on relationship abuse. I picked up a very good brochure and went on my way.
On my way back to the car, I passed an Amnesty International booth and was asked to sign a petition to end violence against women. Of course I did so, and then got chatting to the fellow about rape laws in the country where I grew up. Previously, a woman accusing a man of rape needed to have four adult male witnesses in order to prove her suit. As if that's ever going to happen! If she couldn't, she could be jailed for adultery.
Apparently Amnesty has succeeded in putting pressure on the government and the laws have been changed! Well done.
I got home to an email newsletter all about ... you guessed it... domestic violence and the church. Some great articles, including this one with a particularly horrendous story about abuse in a Christian marriage.
Is someone trying to say something to me???
*By the way, I should clarify that I am not, repeat not, the victim of any sort of domestic violence by anybody!
Monday, July 23, 2007
Nine negatives
1. Food I like least: liver and bananas
2. Thing I avoid doing: ringing my friends
3. Housework I dislike most: all of it really
4. Most annoying character flaw: defensiveness
5. I never want to hear this again: The voices of John Laws and Macca
6. Touchy subject that raises my blood pressure: gender inequality
7. Guaranteed to make me crabby: Not getting enough sleep.
8. Career path I never was even tempted towards: preschool teaching or cooking
9. Career path I wanted but had no talent for: ballet dancing or professional singer
2. Thing I avoid doing: ringing my friends
3. Housework I dislike most: all of it really
4. Most annoying character flaw: defensiveness
5. I never want to hear this again: The voices of John Laws and Macca
6. Touchy subject that raises my blood pressure: gender inequality
7. Guaranteed to make me crabby: Not getting enough sleep.
8. Career path I never was even tempted towards: preschool teaching or cooking
9. Career path I wanted but had no talent for: ballet dancing or professional singer
Sunday, July 22, 2007
I read it!
I got the new Harry Potter book yesterday. I sat down once the children had gone to bed about 7.30 and read solidly through until 12.20 - and finished it.
I thought it was a good ending to a great series. Not wholly unexpected, but I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
If you wonder how such a thick book was read in 5 hours... I have a few tricks. Generally I skim the battle scenes (I never understand the details much anyway) and there were a lot of battles in this book. Also, I have an annoying habit which I developed years ago of ignoring the top and bottom inches of the page and only reading the middle. Usually this gives me the jist of the story. Occasionally I have to go back for more information, but it seems to work, unless I'm reading in French.
I thought it was a good ending to a great series. Not wholly unexpected, but I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
If you wonder how such a thick book was read in 5 hours... I have a few tricks. Generally I skim the battle scenes (I never understand the details much anyway) and there were a lot of battles in this book. Also, I have an annoying habit which I developed years ago of ignoring the top and bottom inches of the page and only reading the middle. Usually this gives me the jist of the story. Occasionally I have to go back for more information, but it seems to work, unless I'm reading in French.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
When friendships fall apart... III
... because people change
You hear people say a lot “real friends don’t judge. They are happy for whatever makes the other person happy.”
That's true – but only to a certain extent.
Friends are friends because they have something in common. But if one person changes or follows a different route in life, or makes a decision the other one doesn’t agree with, it is hard for a friendship to continue the same as it has been.
A Christian friend of mine at uni started to withdraw from church and spend lots of time with another girl at our college. Eventually it turned out that they were having a lesbian affair. Yep. It was hard to be friends with her.
Another Christian friend went through a difficult situation when her husband left her after only 6 years of marriage. We spent a lot of time together, reading the Bible, and trying to understand what happened, and how things could be resolved.
Then she started meeting less often. She’d been out to a nightclub, met a new fellow and was now sleeping with him. I found it very difficult to keep the friendship at the same level that it had been.
Obviously, you should be wise about what things really do show a 'different direction' and what things are merely trivial.
For example, if your friend turned vegetarian, and you didn't really have strong opinions about it, but you found it slightly annoying, this probably wouldn't be something your friendship would fall apart over. (If it did, you might have some control issues you needed to look at!)
But if you were both ardent vegetarians and you had built your life around your beliefs, and your friend turned into a meat eater, you might find it very difficult to hang out with them any more.
This is an area for wisdom and prayer.
You can’t control your friends, nor should you try. You can’t make anyone do what you would do. But you can express your opinion, if asked for.
If you really can’t continue in the friendship, express why – honestly and with love - to your friend.
If you change, you may expect your friendships to change too, even if you change in good ways, not bad. People who come out of alcoholic or drug addictions often say that their friendships change because they no longer do what they did before.
What can you do? Understand that people do change. And relationships will often change too. You can’t expect someone to stay the same all their lives. Support people as far as you can, don’t try to control them.
But if it’s impossible for you to stay in the same friendship with them, tell them, grieve the loss and find new friends.
You hear people say a lot “real friends don’t judge. They are happy for whatever makes the other person happy.”
That's true – but only to a certain extent.
Friends are friends because they have something in common. But if one person changes or follows a different route in life, or makes a decision the other one doesn’t agree with, it is hard for a friendship to continue the same as it has been.
A Christian friend of mine at uni started to withdraw from church and spend lots of time with another girl at our college. Eventually it turned out that they were having a lesbian affair. Yep. It was hard to be friends with her.
Another Christian friend went through a difficult situation when her husband left her after only 6 years of marriage. We spent a lot of time together, reading the Bible, and trying to understand what happened, and how things could be resolved.
Then she started meeting less often. She’d been out to a nightclub, met a new fellow and was now sleeping with him. I found it very difficult to keep the friendship at the same level that it had been.
Obviously, you should be wise about what things really do show a 'different direction' and what things are merely trivial.
For example, if your friend turned vegetarian, and you didn't really have strong opinions about it, but you found it slightly annoying, this probably wouldn't be something your friendship would fall apart over. (If it did, you might have some control issues you needed to look at!)
But if you were both ardent vegetarians and you had built your life around your beliefs, and your friend turned into a meat eater, you might find it very difficult to hang out with them any more.
This is an area for wisdom and prayer.
You can’t control your friends, nor should you try. You can’t make anyone do what you would do. But you can express your opinion, if asked for.
If you really can’t continue in the friendship, express why – honestly and with love - to your friend.
If you change, you may expect your friendships to change too, even if you change in good ways, not bad. People who come out of alcoholic or drug addictions often say that their friendships change because they no longer do what they did before.
What can you do? Understand that people do change. And relationships will often change too. You can’t expect someone to stay the same all their lives. Support people as far as you can, don’t try to control them.
But if it’s impossible for you to stay in the same friendship with them, tell them, grieve the loss and find new friends.
Friday, July 20, 2007
When friendships fall apart... II
... why does it happen and what can I do?
Friendships can falter because of natural changes in time and status.
My good friend and I did not have a fight. We did not have a disagreement. We didn’t particularly change our personalities and reject each other.
What happened, was we grew up. We gained other responsibilities and our lives shifted to new priorities. It happened naturally, and these were not bad changes: I’m talking about getting married, finding a job, having babies.
Where I used to have an hour to write to her, now I spend that hour folding the washing, or tidying up toys, or occasionally chilling out.
And as our responsibilities and priorities have changed, so have our relationships. She used to be in my intimate space. Now my husband and my children are. Time and energy means people who are closer in distance to me fill my personal space now.
No relationship survives in one space for the entire life of the relationship. It can move from one to the other. Often, it has to.
A typical teenage pattern is having a best friend type buddy who you do everything with. But then, hat buddy finds a girlfriend or boyfriend before you do, and all of a sudden they don’t have time for you any more!
That’s hard to take... but it’s a natural shift.
Natural shifts can hurt a lot. Just because they are natural doesn’t mean you might not feel it strongly. But understanding the four spaces can help us see that a friendship might not be dissolving – rather, just moving to a more appropriate space for now.
If you can give your friend the permission to do that, and enjoy the new status of the relationship, you will both be happier.
Friendships can falter because of natural changes in time and status.
My good friend and I did not have a fight. We did not have a disagreement. We didn’t particularly change our personalities and reject each other.
What happened, was we grew up. We gained other responsibilities and our lives shifted to new priorities. It happened naturally, and these were not bad changes: I’m talking about getting married, finding a job, having babies.
Where I used to have an hour to write to her, now I spend that hour folding the washing, or tidying up toys, or occasionally chilling out.
And as our responsibilities and priorities have changed, so have our relationships. She used to be in my intimate space. Now my husband and my children are. Time and energy means people who are closer in distance to me fill my personal space now.
No relationship survives in one space for the entire life of the relationship. It can move from one to the other. Often, it has to.
A typical teenage pattern is having a best friend type buddy who you do everything with. But then, hat buddy finds a girlfriend or boyfriend before you do, and all of a sudden they don’t have time for you any more!
That’s hard to take... but it’s a natural shift.
Natural shifts can hurt a lot. Just because they are natural doesn’t mean you might not feel it strongly. But understanding the four spaces can help us see that a friendship might not be dissolving – rather, just moving to a more appropriate space for now.
If you can give your friend the permission to do that, and enjoy the new status of the relationship, you will both be happier.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
When friendships fall apart... I
"Friends are friends forever,
if the Lord is the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never,
cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands I know
That a lifetime's not too long...
to live as friends."
-Michael W Smith -
This song was sung at my brother’s graduation by a heartfelt senior high choir. Everyone hugged each other, cried and swore lifelong friendship. It seemed impossible that we would ever lose touch. We would make sure that our friendships made the distance.
But 17 years on, I am only regularly in touch with one of those people.
Recently I found a bag of letters I had received in the two years after I came back from Pakistan – aged 16 to 18. I had probably 100 letters from one friend in that period.They were full of her deepest feelings, worries and crushes. I have no doubt I wrote equivalent letters back to her. We were as close as you could be, on two different continents.
But I haven’t spoken to her now in more than 10 years. And we haven’t written personal letters to each other in more than eight.
What went wrong? See tomorrow's post for an answer.
if the Lord is the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never,
cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands I know
That a lifetime's not too long...
to live as friends."
-Michael W Smith -
This song was sung at my brother’s graduation by a heartfelt senior high choir. Everyone hugged each other, cried and swore lifelong friendship. It seemed impossible that we would ever lose touch. We would make sure that our friendships made the distance.
But 17 years on, I am only regularly in touch with one of those people.
Recently I found a bag of letters I had received in the two years after I came back from Pakistan – aged 16 to 18. I had probably 100 letters from one friend in that period.They were full of her deepest feelings, worries and crushes. I have no doubt I wrote equivalent letters back to her. We were as close as you could be, on two different continents.
But I haven’t spoken to her now in more than 10 years. And we haven’t written personal letters to each other in more than eight.
What went wrong? See tomorrow's post for an answer.
Accommodation
We're after a place to stay in Sydney in the last week of August. We have to come up for a big assessment for our little boy and are looking for somewhere to have some family time. Location has to be within 15-20 minutes drive of Maroubra.
Does anyone know of anything cheap or free?
While I'm on the subject, we're looking for a holiday place in the first week of October as well. Sydney would be ok. Beach would be great. Mountains ok too... Cheap or free is the criteria again! But this time we could do a swap... come stay at our place in the beautiful Southern Highlands for a week!
Does anyone know of anything cheap or free?
While I'm on the subject, we're looking for a holiday place in the first week of October as well. Sydney would be ok. Beach would be great. Mountains ok too... Cheap or free is the criteria again! But this time we could do a swap... come stay at our place in the beautiful Southern Highlands for a week!
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Do I have to like everybody?
Here's a question people ask a lot when they think about friendship.
"I have to love everyone... but do I have to like everyone? ...And what’s the difference?"
Sometimes this question means: do I have to treat everyone like my best friend?
Well, no. Different people will fall into different spaces - public, social, personal and intimate. It's a matter of loving them where they are.
When Jesus was asked the question ‘what is the greatest commandment’ he said love God and love your neighbour as yourself. On one level you could understand that to mean you should be best friends with the whole world. Which is completely exhausting and unfeasible.
But then he told the story about the Good Samaritan. What space did that story happen in? Public space, primarily.
Loving your neighbour doesn’t necessarily mean being personally or intimately close to everyone you come across. But it does mean treating everyone with respect, generosity and love appropriate to the space you find yourself in.
You may not like someone in your social space... but that’s no excuse for being cruel or rude, or ignoring them, or paying them out, or gossiping about them.
And if you find yourself in a position to help the person that you don’t like, loving your neighbour requires that you do just that!
So the answer is: no, you don’t have to like everybody. But you do have to love them. And there is a difference.
"I have to love everyone... but do I have to like everyone? ...And what’s the difference?"
Sometimes this question means: do I have to treat everyone like my best friend?
Well, no. Different people will fall into different spaces - public, social, personal and intimate. It's a matter of loving them where they are.
When Jesus was asked the question ‘what is the greatest commandment’ he said love God and love your neighbour as yourself. On one level you could understand that to mean you should be best friends with the whole world. Which is completely exhausting and unfeasible.
But then he told the story about the Good Samaritan. What space did that story happen in? Public space, primarily.
Loving your neighbour doesn’t necessarily mean being personally or intimately close to everyone you come across. But it does mean treating everyone with respect, generosity and love appropriate to the space you find yourself in.
You may not like someone in your social space... but that’s no excuse for being cruel or rude, or ignoring them, or paying them out, or gossiping about them.
And if you find yourself in a position to help the person that you don’t like, loving your neighbour requires that you do just that!
So the answer is: no, you don’t have to like everybody. But you do have to love them. And there is a difference.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Camp
Well the MK camp was a buzz.
It was a real privilege to speak with the 45 or so young people ranging from 13 to 25. I got to know a few of them quite well, but enjoyed the whole group and their creativity.
My favourite part of the camp* was 'bedtime stories', where at 9.30pm every night, they gathered in the lounge and listened to 'Uncle Luke', a uni student with a wonderful voice read poems and excerpts from favourite books like Alice in Wonderland and Narnia.
Other highlights were good music, pleasant people, and very creative games and evening activities.
It was fun giving the talks, and I appreciated their attention, and the fact that they laughed at my fairly lame jokes.
The little boys coped well over the four days, and we arrived home to the rest of our lovely family and an absolutely spotless home! They had tidied it up especially for us.
Camp was good, but it's great to be home.
*I think I'd like to start a regular 'reading aloud' evening. Listening to a story being read aloud is an amazing way to bring it to life and appreciate every word.
It was a real privilege to speak with the 45 or so young people ranging from 13 to 25. I got to know a few of them quite well, but enjoyed the whole group and their creativity.
My favourite part of the camp* was 'bedtime stories', where at 9.30pm every night, they gathered in the lounge and listened to 'Uncle Luke', a uni student with a wonderful voice read poems and excerpts from favourite books like Alice in Wonderland and Narnia.
Other highlights were good music, pleasant people, and very creative games and evening activities.
It was fun giving the talks, and I appreciated their attention, and the fact that they laughed at my fairly lame jokes.
The little boys coped well over the four days, and we arrived home to the rest of our lovely family and an absolutely spotless home! They had tidied it up especially for us.
Camp was good, but it's great to be home.
*I think I'd like to start a regular 'reading aloud' evening. Listening to a story being read aloud is an amazing way to bring it to life and appreciate every word.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Offline briefly
I'm away for the next few days at the MK Camp, giving the much anticipated (from my side anyway) friendship talks. Should be fun. See you soon.
Twelve
We celebrated our twelfth wedding anniversary this week.*
When I first saw my husband, I noticed a few things about him. First, his red hair. Gorgeous. Then I noticed his shoes. Brown brogues. Not white joggers (Hooray - someone with taste!) Then I noticed his posture. Very upright and tall.
I thought to myself: That's a person of integrity and style. Nice looking too. How do I get him interested in me? (The answer to that question is a whole other story.)
It's been a good 12 years and I'm lucky to have him.
*Well, actually, as my daughter just said, "We didn't really celebrate it, did we?" She's right. It was a busy day. But it was nice to notice.
When I first saw my husband, I noticed a few things about him. First, his red hair. Gorgeous. Then I noticed his shoes. Brown brogues. Not white joggers (Hooray - someone with taste!) Then I noticed his posture. Very upright and tall.
I thought to myself: That's a person of integrity and style. Nice looking too. How do I get him interested in me? (The answer to that question is a whole other story.)
It's been a good 12 years and I'm lucky to have him.
*Well, actually, as my daughter just said, "We didn't really celebrate it, did we?" She's right. It was a busy day. But it was nice to notice.
Friday, July 06, 2007
All alone...
The story of Elijah is very instructive for MKs, or anyone who is feeling alone, isolated and misunderstood.
1 Kings 19:10 Elijah replied, "I have zealously served the LORD God Almighty. But the people of Israel have broken their covenant with you, torn down your altars, and killed every one of your prophets. I alone am left, and now they are trying to kill me, too."
Elijah feels alone. He’s dwelling on his isolation, and it’s making him almost arrogant. He’s getting into a sense of forced melancholy – sort of crisis, panic, super-drama.
It’s an easy state for MKs to find themselves in.
“I’m the only one who really understands the world, who really sees the problems in Australia, who really has a relationship with God that means something, who’s really suffered, who really.... " well, you fill in the blank.
It's so easy to find ourselves the hero of an exaggerated super-drama.
But God did not leave Elijah alone. He does not leave us alone either. We would have to go far to be completely isolated. There is always someone to stand with - others who love God.
Why did Elijah not make an effort to find others who were the same as him and seek refuge with them? I don’t know. Maybe fear of being rejected, killed or persecuted?
Maybe it was pride. In a dramatic way, it’s kind of cool to be the only one left! The single hero, solitary figure, misunderstood. There are heaps of movies are built on that romantic ideal.
But interestingly, the single, solitary, misunderstood hero is always seriously flawed - as a result of their isolation. It might be cool or interesting to be isolated for a while. But you will die of it in the end.
It was the grace of God that told Elijah there were 500 others who followed him. Not just two or three. But 500! There are plenty of people around who we can stand with too. We have to face our fears and our pride and go out and identify ourselves with them.
1 Kings 19:10 Elijah replied, "I have zealously served the LORD God Almighty. But the people of Israel have broken their covenant with you, torn down your altars, and killed every one of your prophets. I alone am left, and now they are trying to kill me, too."
Elijah feels alone. He’s dwelling on his isolation, and it’s making him almost arrogant. He’s getting into a sense of forced melancholy – sort of crisis, panic, super-drama.
It’s an easy state for MKs to find themselves in.
“I’m the only one who really understands the world, who really sees the problems in Australia, who really has a relationship with God that means something, who’s really suffered, who really.... " well, you fill in the blank.
It's so easy to find ourselves the hero of an exaggerated super-drama.
But God did not leave Elijah alone. He does not leave us alone either. We would have to go far to be completely isolated. There is always someone to stand with - others who love God.
Why did Elijah not make an effort to find others who were the same as him and seek refuge with them? I don’t know. Maybe fear of being rejected, killed or persecuted?
Maybe it was pride. In a dramatic way, it’s kind of cool to be the only one left! The single hero, solitary figure, misunderstood. There are heaps of movies are built on that romantic ideal.
But interestingly, the single, solitary, misunderstood hero is always seriously flawed - as a result of their isolation. It might be cool or interesting to be isolated for a while. But you will die of it in the end.
It was the grace of God that told Elijah there were 500 others who followed him. Not just two or three. But 500! There are plenty of people around who we can stand with too. We have to face our fears and our pride and go out and identify ourselves with them.
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
The danger of friendship
Friendship is all good, right? How could there be ‘dangers’ from friendship?
I was on a beachmission team when I was 18. It was a really nice team, with some really nice people on it. There were four people I remember. Two boys and two girls. I liked each of them very much.
Trouble was, when the four of them were together, they didn’t talk to anyone else outside of themselves. Trying to join the conversation was impossible. They had so many in-jokes, that they were laughing when no-one else was. They looked so popular, so beautiful, so happy. I wanted to get to know them, but they just weren’t interested.
In their own minds, I think they just saw themselves as four people who got along very very well and had a lot in common, and laughed a lot. But everyone else around saw them as a clique!
How do cliques happen? Well, personal space friendship is selective. If you say “these people are my friends” you must also say “these people are not”.
Close friendship comes when two or a few people discover they have some insight or taste in common which others do not share. And, as we said, we all need this kind of friendship.
But here’s the thing. The closeness of personal space friendship needs to be expressed in personal space.
The four people in my beachmission team had every right to be so friendly to each other. They were each in each other’s personal space. But they didn’t realise that mealtimes and social times with the beachmission team were social space. They needed to act appropriately in the social space.
They could still share friendship, but they needed to be aware of others and be welcoming to outsiders in such a social space.
The same danger of being exclusive applies to couples. My brother had a 21st party for about 50-60 people. He invited a couple from uni – friends of his. I remember them, because they were so unfriendly. They weren’t interested in anyone else from the party. They were only interested in smooching and dancing with each other. They were acting intimately in a social space, and it was disturbing because it excluded every one else. In a way, couples who do this create their own exclusive clique.
Cliques happen because people do not have an attitude of love for others that is appropriate in a social space. They are more interested in carrying on their personal relationships in a public and social space. That’s enjoyable, and probably fun for those people who do that. But it is not fun for everyone else. It excludes.
If you’re in a clique, it’s so easy to forget other people. You hardly even see them. But love is seeing the people around you. Loving is including people. Loving is acting appropriately so that everyone is respected and given the honour due to them as God’s creation.
I was on a beachmission team when I was 18. It was a really nice team, with some really nice people on it. There were four people I remember. Two boys and two girls. I liked each of them very much.
Trouble was, when the four of them were together, they didn’t talk to anyone else outside of themselves. Trying to join the conversation was impossible. They had so many in-jokes, that they were laughing when no-one else was. They looked so popular, so beautiful, so happy. I wanted to get to know them, but they just weren’t interested.
In their own minds, I think they just saw themselves as four people who got along very very well and had a lot in common, and laughed a lot. But everyone else around saw them as a clique!
How do cliques happen? Well, personal space friendship is selective. If you say “these people are my friends” you must also say “these people are not”.
Close friendship comes when two or a few people discover they have some insight or taste in common which others do not share. And, as we said, we all need this kind of friendship.
But here’s the thing. The closeness of personal space friendship needs to be expressed in personal space.
The four people in my beachmission team had every right to be so friendly to each other. They were each in each other’s personal space. But they didn’t realise that mealtimes and social times with the beachmission team were social space. They needed to act appropriately in the social space.
They could still share friendship, but they needed to be aware of others and be welcoming to outsiders in such a social space.
The same danger of being exclusive applies to couples. My brother had a 21st party for about 50-60 people. He invited a couple from uni – friends of his. I remember them, because they were so unfriendly. They weren’t interested in anyone else from the party. They were only interested in smooching and dancing with each other. They were acting intimately in a social space, and it was disturbing because it excluded every one else. In a way, couples who do this create their own exclusive clique.
Cliques happen because people do not have an attitude of love for others that is appropriate in a social space. They are more interested in carrying on their personal relationships in a public and social space. That’s enjoyable, and probably fun for those people who do that. But it is not fun for everyone else. It excludes.
If you’re in a clique, it’s so easy to forget other people. You hardly even see them. But love is seeing the people around you. Loving is including people. Loving is acting appropriately so that everyone is respected and given the honour due to them as God’s creation.
Monday, July 02, 2007
Bonding
And this is the dog jacket in progress. My daughter has taken up knitting with me. So far her 10 stitches have increased to 23... don't know how! She has the cutest wooden knitting needles with pink polka dot ends!
Dog blog
Here's my beautiful dog in his gorgeous new hand-knitted sweater. I think the colour suits him, don't you?
Best friends V
The third word in our trinity of relationship characteristics is interdependence. For good, healthy, close relationships, we need to follow the character of God and have togetherness, difference and interdependence.
Interdependence is where togetherness and difference come together. It is difference from independence. That focuses only on difference. It’s different from enmeshment. That focuses only on togetherness.
Interdependence is tricky to get right.
Here are some ways to get it wrong.
- Jo is so scared that her friends will reject her that she never has an opinion on anything because it might not be the same opinion that they have. She pretends she knows all about the music they talk about even though she doesn’t have a clue. She doesn’t really know what she thinks about anything, so she is really good at appearing to agree with other people all the time. Sometimes her friends have said some pretty mean things about her, but she can’t stand up to them and tell them they have hurt her. It would mean the end of the friendship. She doesn’t know that people think she’s a wimp, and boring and a lifeless sort of whale who just hangs around. She’s an easy target because she won’t do anything.
- Sarah is really good at taking care of others. She’s very responsible and she feels a rush of energy when people seem to need her to do things for them or sort out their problems. She notices that all her friends seem to have major crises in their lives and she’s very very busy looking after them all. It’s funny though – fixing up their lives doesn’t seem to help them get it together the next time! They still seem to do stupid things. She starts to get cross with them as well as doing everything for them, but they just won’t listen! She doesn’t know that when she takes care of people, it’s actually making them out to be inferior to her – people who don’t really know what to do. The people who end up as her friends will use her to get things, but never really change their behaviour.
- Nick is really popular and has heaps of friends. At least he has heaps of people who hang around him and want to be with him. He knows how to make people feel really special – when he’s with them. Too bad he doesn’t return anyone’s calls or share himself with any of them. He doesn’t know that he leaves behind a lot of broken hearts – not just romantically, but people who have thought he was their good friend, but have realised he wasn’t really interested in them.
- Sean has heaps of opinions, but they are pretty much all negative. If anyone expresses enthusiasm about something, he knows a snide comment that will bring them down or make them look stupid. He’s excellent at making jokey comments about his friends that have a sting in their tail, but “I’m just joking.” His friends think they must be a little sensitive, because they keep feeling hurt, but that’s just Sean’s sense of humour right? He doesn’t know that he will eventually have no friends because it just hurts too much for the people around him to keep being poked in the eye.
- Steve is a really really nice guy. Everyone loves him. He’s really obliging – he’ll agree to do anything and is really willing to go places and do helpful things for people. Oh, but he keeps forgetting little things. And then he doesn’t quite turn up. But he has a really good excuse each time, and he’s quick to say sorry. But it happens a lot, and if his friends pull him up on it, they’re accusing him and it’s their fault for asking him to do it in the first place. Steve doesn’t know that he actually a really really angry guy on the inside. The reasons he forgets things and doesn’t keep his promises is because he will do whatever he can to keep people happy for the moment... but the only way he can assert his independence is to not do what people want him to. He doesn’t know that eventually he will lose his closest relationships because no-one can live with those kinds of untruths forever.
For interdependence you need
To be sure that God loves you and is working in you to change you
To know yourself and your own gifts, talents and vulnerabilities
To be sure that God loves the other person and is working in them to change them
To respect the other person’s differences, gifts, talents and vulnerabilities
To be sure that you are not God and cannot solve other people’s problems
To trust and be trustworthy
To be able to speak the truth if and when necessary, even if this is hard
To be encouraging and loving in your words and actions
To be willing to say sorry
To be willing to forgive
Interdependence is where togetherness and difference come together. It is difference from independence. That focuses only on difference. It’s different from enmeshment. That focuses only on togetherness.
Interdependence is tricky to get right.
Here are some ways to get it wrong.
- Jo is so scared that her friends will reject her that she never has an opinion on anything because it might not be the same opinion that they have. She pretends she knows all about the music they talk about even though she doesn’t have a clue. She doesn’t really know what she thinks about anything, so she is really good at appearing to agree with other people all the time. Sometimes her friends have said some pretty mean things about her, but she can’t stand up to them and tell them they have hurt her. It would mean the end of the friendship. She doesn’t know that people think she’s a wimp, and boring and a lifeless sort of whale who just hangs around. She’s an easy target because she won’t do anything.
- Sarah is really good at taking care of others. She’s very responsible and she feels a rush of energy when people seem to need her to do things for them or sort out their problems. She notices that all her friends seem to have major crises in their lives and she’s very very busy looking after them all. It’s funny though – fixing up their lives doesn’t seem to help them get it together the next time! They still seem to do stupid things. She starts to get cross with them as well as doing everything for them, but they just won’t listen! She doesn’t know that when she takes care of people, it’s actually making them out to be inferior to her – people who don’t really know what to do. The people who end up as her friends will use her to get things, but never really change their behaviour.
- Nick is really popular and has heaps of friends. At least he has heaps of people who hang around him and want to be with him. He knows how to make people feel really special – when he’s with them. Too bad he doesn’t return anyone’s calls or share himself with any of them. He doesn’t know that he leaves behind a lot of broken hearts – not just romantically, but people who have thought he was their good friend, but have realised he wasn’t really interested in them.
- Sean has heaps of opinions, but they are pretty much all negative. If anyone expresses enthusiasm about something, he knows a snide comment that will bring them down or make them look stupid. He’s excellent at making jokey comments about his friends that have a sting in their tail, but “I’m just joking.” His friends think they must be a little sensitive, because they keep feeling hurt, but that’s just Sean’s sense of humour right? He doesn’t know that he will eventually have no friends because it just hurts too much for the people around him to keep being poked in the eye.
- Steve is a really really nice guy. Everyone loves him. He’s really obliging – he’ll agree to do anything and is really willing to go places and do helpful things for people. Oh, but he keeps forgetting little things. And then he doesn’t quite turn up. But he has a really good excuse each time, and he’s quick to say sorry. But it happens a lot, and if his friends pull him up on it, they’re accusing him and it’s their fault for asking him to do it in the first place. Steve doesn’t know that he actually a really really angry guy on the inside. The reasons he forgets things and doesn’t keep his promises is because he will do whatever he can to keep people happy for the moment... but the only way he can assert his independence is to not do what people want him to. He doesn’t know that eventually he will lose his closest relationships because no-one can live with those kinds of untruths forever.
For interdependence you need
To be sure that God loves you and is working in you to change you
To know yourself and your own gifts, talents and vulnerabilities
To be sure that God loves the other person and is working in them to change them
To respect the other person’s differences, gifts, talents and vulnerabilities
To be sure that you are not God and cannot solve other people’s problems
To trust and be trustworthy
To be able to speak the truth if and when necessary, even if this is hard
To be encouraging and loving in your words and actions
To be willing to say sorry
To be willing to forgive
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Best friends IV
Togetherness is important, but difference is also a crucial part of healthy relationships.
I am a different person from you. You are not the same person as me. Even the person I am closest to – say, my husband or my mother or father. They are different from me.
I love quilting and making my own clothes. My mother thinks sewing is too hard and it gives her a headache. She trained as an infants teacher. I couldn’t think of anything worse than spending hours per day in a room full of little children. She’s neat. I’m kind of messy.
My husband and I are quite different. He likes cricket. I can’t see the point. I love going for walks. He’d rather stay home. I go to bed early with a book. He stays up late and watches sci fi movies.
Sometimes these differences cause friction. Why can’t everyone be more like me? It would make life so much easier!
Being different from other people is a problem that all MKs come up against. “We can’t relate to them. They can’t relate to us. We have nothing in common.” Feeling like a fish out of water is a really horrible feeling.
Probably everyone has this problem too. In fact, I'm sure they do. Where else does racism come from? And tight little sub-cultures? Even cliques at school are based on this feeling.
What if we could turn around the thinking about it though? Rather than seeing difference as something that alienates us, we could see it as proof of God’s richness and diversity.
Yes, it’s easier to be good friends with people who are like us. But there is so much to be gained from people who are not like us in personality, background, interests and all areas of life.
Let’s see difference as a benefit – a growth, a stretching. Let’s not see it as something to avoid or run away from.
This is hard when you’re a teenager. The big thing of the teenage years is that everyone has to be the same as everyone else. But cheerfully, it gets easier as time goes on.
When people find out where I’m from, they now think it’s interesting. When I was a teenager, they often found it weird. And I’m at the point where I can find many interesting things in people who have had different experiences from me.
We went out to dinner last week with a family who have been in this area forever. Both people had great-grandparents who had lived in the Southern Highlands. They were truly local.
As a 16 year old I probably would have scoffed at that. “How staid, how smallminded, how boring, how normal!” But now I can see that they have a richness of community and fellowship that I can’t really understand. They have a way in for the gospel amongst the other locals, who might not take newcomers seriously. I think their experience is really interesting and I love to find out about it.
Everyone out there has a different story to tell. Let's get out there and find other people’s stories. Show you’re interested in their difference, and they’ll be interested in yours.
Difference is richness. And essential for great relationships.
I am a different person from you. You are not the same person as me. Even the person I am closest to – say, my husband or my mother or father. They are different from me.
I love quilting and making my own clothes. My mother thinks sewing is too hard and it gives her a headache. She trained as an infants teacher. I couldn’t think of anything worse than spending hours per day in a room full of little children. She’s neat. I’m kind of messy.
My husband and I are quite different. He likes cricket. I can’t see the point. I love going for walks. He’d rather stay home. I go to bed early with a book. He stays up late and watches sci fi movies.
Sometimes these differences cause friction. Why can’t everyone be more like me? It would make life so much easier!
Being different from other people is a problem that all MKs come up against. “We can’t relate to them. They can’t relate to us. We have nothing in common.” Feeling like a fish out of water is a really horrible feeling.
Probably everyone has this problem too. In fact, I'm sure they do. Where else does racism come from? And tight little sub-cultures? Even cliques at school are based on this feeling.
What if we could turn around the thinking about it though? Rather than seeing difference as something that alienates us, we could see it as proof of God’s richness and diversity.
Yes, it’s easier to be good friends with people who are like us. But there is so much to be gained from people who are not like us in personality, background, interests and all areas of life.
Let’s see difference as a benefit – a growth, a stretching. Let’s not see it as something to avoid or run away from.
This is hard when you’re a teenager. The big thing of the teenage years is that everyone has to be the same as everyone else. But cheerfully, it gets easier as time goes on.
When people find out where I’m from, they now think it’s interesting. When I was a teenager, they often found it weird. And I’m at the point where I can find many interesting things in people who have had different experiences from me.
We went out to dinner last week with a family who have been in this area forever. Both people had great-grandparents who had lived in the Southern Highlands. They were truly local.
As a 16 year old I probably would have scoffed at that. “How staid, how smallminded, how boring, how normal!” But now I can see that they have a richness of community and fellowship that I can’t really understand. They have a way in for the gospel amongst the other locals, who might not take newcomers seriously. I think their experience is really interesting and I love to find out about it.
Everyone out there has a different story to tell. Let's get out there and find other people’s stories. Show you’re interested in their difference, and they’ll be interested in yours.
Difference is richness. And essential for great relationships.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Best friends III
I can't resist adding this wonderful list of questions, pinched from Cloud and Townsend's book Safe People. Another must-read.
Some questions to ask yourself when you think about if you are able to be close to others?
1. Do you tend to be the ‘giver’ in relationships – or are your relationships mutual with equal give and take?
2. Do you find that people approach you when they want something from you, or more to simply spend time with you?
3. Is it difficult for you to open up about your real feelings and problems?
4. Is it hard for you to see others as a source of emotional and spiritual support?
5. Do you prefer to be alone to deal with your problems?
6. Is there a pattern, where people seem to like you when you appear ok, but withdraw if you are honest about yourself?
7. Do you feel that God is the only person who really knows and loves all of you?
8. Do you find yourself choosing people who let you down over time?9. Are intimate, vulnerable, two way conversations a rarity, or a regular occurrence?
10. Do you find most of your personal connections revolving more around activities or duties than relationships?
Some questions to ask yourself when you think about if you are able to be close to others?
1. Do you tend to be the ‘giver’ in relationships – or are your relationships mutual with equal give and take?
2. Do you find that people approach you when they want something from you, or more to simply spend time with you?
3. Is it difficult for you to open up about your real feelings and problems?
4. Is it hard for you to see others as a source of emotional and spiritual support?
5. Do you prefer to be alone to deal with your problems?
6. Is there a pattern, where people seem to like you when you appear ok, but withdraw if you are honest about yourself?
7. Do you feel that God is the only person who really knows and loves all of you?
8. Do you find yourself choosing people who let you down over time?9. Are intimate, vulnerable, two way conversations a rarity, or a regular occurrence?
10. Do you find most of your personal connections revolving more around activities or duties than relationships?
Best friends II
Yesterday I posted about close friendships. Rather than ask: how can I get that kind of friendship, we need to ask: how can I be the best person for that kind of friendship.
I wrote a few weeks ago about the Trinity, and how three aspects of the way the persons of God relate within the Godhead provide a model for our relationships. We all need: togetherness, difference and interdependence in the way we relate.
So in terms of our close friendships, let's look at some aspects of 'togetherness'.
To have togetherness, firstly, you have to be willing, and then you have to be able to be close with someone. And then you need to make good decisions about the person/people you choose to be close to.
Are you willing to be close to someone?
This may sound surprising. Surely it’s obvious that everyone would want to have personal and intimate friends. Probably on the surface it’s true. But go a level deeper and some people have trouble with actually wanting to be close.
Perhaps you have had to say too many goodbyes or hurts in your life. You may feel like the risk is just too great and you don’t even want to try. You would rather be self-sufficient.
God has created all of us incomplete and inadequate. There are so many things we cannot provide for ourselves. We can’t provide God’s love. We are reliant on God for our physical needs. We need others to give us the human love we need. Yet, deep inside, most of us hate the idea of needing other people, and asking for what we don’t have. We know we’re incomplete and inadequate but it’s humiliating to admit it.
Sometimes we teach self-sufficiency as a positive character trait. We think that the individual who either doesn’t have problems or who hides them really well is a model of Christian maturity.
People who move a lot or who are hurt a lot become self-sufficient as a survival mechanism. It’s a response based on fear. No one gets inside, and no one gets close, and the self-sufficiency keeps them from being overwhelmed by loss and grief.
But self-sufficiency can’t work in the long term. Survival mechanisms are for short term survival – not long term living.
It’s a good thing to be needy. It means you are human, and you’re embracing God’s grace. Self-sufficiency is based on fear. And fear is not God’s way to live.
The Bible says that the opposite of fear is not confidence... it’s not self-confidence, which is what we try to conquer it by. The opposite of fear is love. Perfect love casts out fear.
Through facing our fears of being close, and allowing others to love us, imperfect though we are, the fears will disappear and we’ll be more healthy and have much better relationships.
You might be willing – but are you able to be close to others?
Self-sufficiency is one big block to being close with other people. If you can never admit your weaknesses, you stop other people really getting to know you. You set up a pattern whereby you are the strong one in the relationship, which means necessarily that the other person is the weak one. That doesn’t set up for a close, equal relationship.
There are other blocks to closeness, all based on fear, which is also the root of pride.
What about defensiveness. Can you take loving confrontation and feedback, or do you draw your sword whenever anyone says anything.
Related to that is being self-righteous – not humble. There’s an ‘I’m better than you’ (whether spoken or not) dynamic going on.
When confronted, do you apologise, or do you actually change your behaviour as well? Lots of times we’ll say ‘sorry’ to get someone out of our face for the moment, but we go right back and do the same thing the next time.
What about taking responsibility for your life and your own problems? Or do you say: “It’s all my mother’s fault. She put me on the potty too early and I was emotionally scarred for life.”
Do you choose the right people to be 'together' with?
Think back over your close friendships and relationships. Have you been friends with people who have valued you, been vulnerable with you, and who have opened up to you in love and truth? Are they people who love God and want to serve him?
Or have they been people who have taken what you’ve given and then betrayed you? Have they gossiped about you? Have they tried to control you? Or have they let you make all the decisions in the relationship – so that they are completely passive?
Yes, we need to love everyone. But you don’t have to be close to everyone in the same way. And of course no one is going to be perfect. All our friends fail us at some point, just like we fail them at times.
But you need to be wise about the people you are closest to. The Bible teaches this. “Don’t make friends with people who have hot violent tempers, you might learn their habits and not be able to change.”
People we are with influence us. Don’t hang out with big drinkers or drug takers or people who are constantly cynical, critical and bitter. Avoid trusting people who have a pattern of letting you down. Use your wisdom and pick safe people. It’s a crucial part of togetherness.
I wrote a few weeks ago about the Trinity, and how three aspects of the way the persons of God relate within the Godhead provide a model for our relationships. We all need: togetherness, difference and interdependence in the way we relate.
So in terms of our close friendships, let's look at some aspects of 'togetherness'.
To have togetherness, firstly, you have to be willing, and then you have to be able to be close with someone. And then you need to make good decisions about the person/people you choose to be close to.
Are you willing to be close to someone?
This may sound surprising. Surely it’s obvious that everyone would want to have personal and intimate friends. Probably on the surface it’s true. But go a level deeper and some people have trouble with actually wanting to be close.
Perhaps you have had to say too many goodbyes or hurts in your life. You may feel like the risk is just too great and you don’t even want to try. You would rather be self-sufficient.
God has created all of us incomplete and inadequate. There are so many things we cannot provide for ourselves. We can’t provide God’s love. We are reliant on God for our physical needs. We need others to give us the human love we need. Yet, deep inside, most of us hate the idea of needing other people, and asking for what we don’t have. We know we’re incomplete and inadequate but it’s humiliating to admit it.
Sometimes we teach self-sufficiency as a positive character trait. We think that the individual who either doesn’t have problems or who hides them really well is a model of Christian maturity.
People who move a lot or who are hurt a lot become self-sufficient as a survival mechanism. It’s a response based on fear. No one gets inside, and no one gets close, and the self-sufficiency keeps them from being overwhelmed by loss and grief.
But self-sufficiency can’t work in the long term. Survival mechanisms are for short term survival – not long term living.
It’s a good thing to be needy. It means you are human, and you’re embracing God’s grace. Self-sufficiency is based on fear. And fear is not God’s way to live.
The Bible says that the opposite of fear is not confidence... it’s not self-confidence, which is what we try to conquer it by. The opposite of fear is love. Perfect love casts out fear.
Through facing our fears of being close, and allowing others to love us, imperfect though we are, the fears will disappear and we’ll be more healthy and have much better relationships.
You might be willing – but are you able to be close to others?
Self-sufficiency is one big block to being close with other people. If you can never admit your weaknesses, you stop other people really getting to know you. You set up a pattern whereby you are the strong one in the relationship, which means necessarily that the other person is the weak one. That doesn’t set up for a close, equal relationship.
There are other blocks to closeness, all based on fear, which is also the root of pride.
What about defensiveness. Can you take loving confrontation and feedback, or do you draw your sword whenever anyone says anything.
Related to that is being self-righteous – not humble. There’s an ‘I’m better than you’ (whether spoken or not) dynamic going on.
When confronted, do you apologise, or do you actually change your behaviour as well? Lots of times we’ll say ‘sorry’ to get someone out of our face for the moment, but we go right back and do the same thing the next time.
What about taking responsibility for your life and your own problems? Or do you say: “It’s all my mother’s fault. She put me on the potty too early and I was emotionally scarred for life.”
Do you choose the right people to be 'together' with?
Think back over your close friendships and relationships. Have you been friends with people who have valued you, been vulnerable with you, and who have opened up to you in love and truth? Are they people who love God and want to serve him?
Or have they been people who have taken what you’ve given and then betrayed you? Have they gossiped about you? Have they tried to control you? Or have they let you make all the decisions in the relationship – so that they are completely passive?
Yes, we need to love everyone. But you don’t have to be close to everyone in the same way. And of course no one is going to be perfect. All our friends fail us at some point, just like we fail them at times.
But you need to be wise about the people you are closest to. The Bible teaches this. “Don’t make friends with people who have hot violent tempers, you might learn their habits and not be able to change.”
People we are with influence us. Don’t hang out with big drinkers or drug takers or people who are constantly cynical, critical and bitter. Avoid trusting people who have a pattern of letting you down. Use your wisdom and pick safe people. It’s a crucial part of togetherness.
Friday, June 29, 2007
Best friends
Everyone wants a best friend. Or if not, one, then a small group of best friends. They want a close person or a tight, secure, reliable group. Besties make us feel secure. They bring us joy. We love them. We need them.
The Bible agrees.
Ecclesiastes 4:8-12 8 This is the case of a man who is all alone, without a child or a brother, yet who works hard to gain as much wealth as he can. But then he asks himself, "Who am I working for? Why am I giving up so much pleasure now?" It is all so meaningless and depressing. 9 Two people can accomplish more than twice as much as one; they get a better return for their labor. 10 If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But people who are alone when they fall are in real trouble. 11 And on a cold night, two under the same blanket can gain warmth from each other. But how can one be warm alone? 12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.
When I was six, I found my soul-mate. Her name was Sarah. Nearly the first thing we discovered about each other was that our birthdays were exactly one week apart! Wow. We could have been twins (except for different parents, countries of origin, and of course that the mother would have had to have been in labour for more than 168 hours.)
That didn’t matter. We were twins. And the clincher was the fact that we both had.... red t-shirts and white skirts with flowers on them. Talk about coincidence. It was a friendship made in heaven.
We all want these kinds of relationships. It’s important to work on them, think about them, and desire them.
So, the big question is: how to get these kinds of relationships, right?
I told you Sarah was my best friend at the age of six. We were soul mates. But I didn’t tell you yet that five years later... the relationship was in tatters. The reason: boarding school.
Sarah and I were sort of best friends from afar. She lived up country, I lived in the city. But we wrote, and saw each other a few times a year.
Sarah went off to boarding at the age of 9. At boarding, it’s imperative that you have a buddy, an ally and a best friend, and thus she became best friends with another girl.
I came to boarding school at the age of 11, not knowing that Sarah had switched allegiances. I expected to continue as we had been, but better, because we would finally be in the same place at the same time. It was not to be!
I found myself without a best friend, but also, the target of this other girl, who (I assume) was feeling very threatened by me and my prior relationship with Sarah, and was determined to keep Sarah to herself.
I found myself friendless and targeted. And was consequently very unhappy for a good number of months. My biggest desire was to find a best friend. It was my consuming passion. My friendship failed, and I was determined to get another one. “How can I get a best friend?” was my biggest problem.
But... I was asking the wrong question.
The question is not: how can get this kind of relationship?
But: How can I be the best person for this kind of relationship?
A person desperate for relationships will probably never really succeed in forming them. Because that person is looking for a product. The sort of thing you could buy at a shop. “This is what a best friendship is. I’ll have one. Give it to me. How much do I have to pay for it?”
A person who sees a friendship as a process, not a product, is going to have a lot more success*. You as a person are developing in maturity, character, wisdom, spiritual gifts. Other people around you are doing that too. On our way, we’ll meet each other and benefit from each other. But it’s the process of two-sided character growth that really makes the friendship happen.
*Interestingly – CS Lewis says that people who simply ‘want friends’ can never find any. The very condition of having friends means we should want something else, besides friends. Friendship must be about something.He says: “Those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow travellers.” Part of being the best person for this kind of relationship is actually having some interests, some purpose, something you believe in!
The Bible agrees.
Ecclesiastes 4:8-12 8 This is the case of a man who is all alone, without a child or a brother, yet who works hard to gain as much wealth as he can. But then he asks himself, "Who am I working for? Why am I giving up so much pleasure now?" It is all so meaningless and depressing. 9 Two people can accomplish more than twice as much as one; they get a better return for their labor. 10 If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But people who are alone when they fall are in real trouble. 11 And on a cold night, two under the same blanket can gain warmth from each other. But how can one be warm alone? 12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.
When I was six, I found my soul-mate. Her name was Sarah. Nearly the first thing we discovered about each other was that our birthdays were exactly one week apart! Wow. We could have been twins (except for different parents, countries of origin, and of course that the mother would have had to have been in labour for more than 168 hours.)
That didn’t matter. We were twins. And the clincher was the fact that we both had.... red t-shirts and white skirts with flowers on them. Talk about coincidence. It was a friendship made in heaven.
We all want these kinds of relationships. It’s important to work on them, think about them, and desire them.
So, the big question is: how to get these kinds of relationships, right?
I told you Sarah was my best friend at the age of six. We were soul mates. But I didn’t tell you yet that five years later... the relationship was in tatters. The reason: boarding school.
Sarah and I were sort of best friends from afar. She lived up country, I lived in the city. But we wrote, and saw each other a few times a year.
Sarah went off to boarding at the age of 9. At boarding, it’s imperative that you have a buddy, an ally and a best friend, and thus she became best friends with another girl.
I came to boarding school at the age of 11, not knowing that Sarah had switched allegiances. I expected to continue as we had been, but better, because we would finally be in the same place at the same time. It was not to be!
I found myself without a best friend, but also, the target of this other girl, who (I assume) was feeling very threatened by me and my prior relationship with Sarah, and was determined to keep Sarah to herself.
I found myself friendless and targeted. And was consequently very unhappy for a good number of months. My biggest desire was to find a best friend. It was my consuming passion. My friendship failed, and I was determined to get another one. “How can I get a best friend?” was my biggest problem.
But... I was asking the wrong question.
The question is not: how can get this kind of relationship?
But: How can I be the best person for this kind of relationship?
A person desperate for relationships will probably never really succeed in forming them. Because that person is looking for a product. The sort of thing you could buy at a shop. “This is what a best friendship is. I’ll have one. Give it to me. How much do I have to pay for it?”
A person who sees a friendship as a process, not a product, is going to have a lot more success*. You as a person are developing in maturity, character, wisdom, spiritual gifts. Other people around you are doing that too. On our way, we’ll meet each other and benefit from each other. But it’s the process of two-sided character growth that really makes the friendship happen.
*Interestingly – CS Lewis says that people who simply ‘want friends’ can never find any. The very condition of having friends means we should want something else, besides friends. Friendship must be about something.He says: “Those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow travellers.” Part of being the best person for this kind of relationship is actually having some interests, some purpose, something you believe in!
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Small things of life
1. I have completed a knitting project - a 'snug' - rather like a poncho but with no shaping at all. Easy for the novice knitter. My next project is a matching hat. And then.... a dog jumper!
2. My seven year old daughter has beaten me twice at chess in the last week. I really was trying too! My only concession to her has been to warn her again moves where she might lose her queen. Mind you, after the first time I was beaten, I took her queen with glee.
3. Again, I come to the conclusion that I am the worst cook I know, after burning the curry again last night. What's the point of buying beautiful Jamie Oliver cookware if I keep burning the bottoms out of the pots?
2. My seven year old daughter has beaten me twice at chess in the last week. I really was trying too! My only concession to her has been to warn her again moves where she might lose her queen. Mind you, after the first time I was beaten, I took her queen with glee.
3. Again, I come to the conclusion that I am the worst cook I know, after burning the curry again last night. What's the point of buying beautiful Jamie Oliver cookware if I keep burning the bottoms out of the pots?
Emergency response to Aboriginal child sexual abuse
In the news right now is our Prime Minister's 'emergency response plan' to the growing crisis of Aboriginal child sexual assault, particularly in the areas of the Northern Territory.
Like many, I find myself at a total loss to come up with a reasonable solution to the many problems that plague our Aboriginal population. Thus, I feel unqualified and self-indulgent to criticise because I have no better ideas.
However, a few things come to mind as I listen to the debates about it all.
Firstly, an 'emergency' solution may be appropriate for an emergency. But emergency solutions cannot work in the long-term, precisely because they are emergency solutions.
Secondly, child sexual assault in Aboriginal communities seems to me to be a symptom of a deeper problem. Yes, it's a problem worthy of attention in it's own right, but if the underlying problem is not addressed long term, there's not much point.
Thirdly, there has been a lot of talk about the children who are suffering. But I haven't heard anyone use this term: "Our children." Aboriginals and the rest of Australia still rarely use the common 'we'.
Last: As little as 100 years ago, white settlers went on 'hunting parties' regularly in the Northern Territory. Their targets were Aboriginal people. As little as 70 years ago the Australian government held a 'White Australia' policy. As little as 50 years ago, the Australian government removed Aboriginal children from their families to be brought up in institutions and gotten ready for a life that was deemed 'appropriate' for them. Aboriginals have only had the vote for 50 years.
Methinks the word "sorry" might go a little ways towards remedying some of the wrongs.
Like many, I find myself at a total loss to come up with a reasonable solution to the many problems that plague our Aboriginal population. Thus, I feel unqualified and self-indulgent to criticise because I have no better ideas.
However, a few things come to mind as I listen to the debates about it all.
Firstly, an 'emergency' solution may be appropriate for an emergency. But emergency solutions cannot work in the long-term, precisely because they are emergency solutions.
Secondly, child sexual assault in Aboriginal communities seems to me to be a symptom of a deeper problem. Yes, it's a problem worthy of attention in it's own right, but if the underlying problem is not addressed long term, there's not much point.
Thirdly, there has been a lot of talk about the children who are suffering. But I haven't heard anyone use this term: "Our children." Aboriginals and the rest of Australia still rarely use the common 'we'.
Last: As little as 100 years ago, white settlers went on 'hunting parties' regularly in the Northern Territory. Their targets were Aboriginal people. As little as 70 years ago the Australian government held a 'White Australia' policy. As little as 50 years ago, the Australian government removed Aboriginal children from their families to be brought up in institutions and gotten ready for a life that was deemed 'appropriate' for them. Aboriginals have only had the vote for 50 years.
Methinks the word "sorry" might go a little ways towards remedying some of the wrongs.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Even more on belonging
In contrast with 'Christine' from my last entry, here are the words of 'Ethan', another MK who also faced the task of trying to belong to his home country.
‘Overwhelmed is a good word to describe how I felt at the beginning of my senior year in the huge highschool in my home country. I had never seen so many white kids in my life.
Very quickly I learned that in order to meet people, make new friends and learn the ropes, I had to initiate the conversation. The other kids were not interested in me, nor did they have a desire to understand the places I had been and the things I had seen. In order to fit in, I felt I had to talk about the things and places with which they were familiar. In essence, I had to be like them.
Sounds like the beginning of a miserable year, right? It actually ended up being not so bad. Two things helped. First, I got involved in small groups at school. The first week I tried out for the swim team and because I could swim well from my years in Africa, I became captain of the team. I also joined the choir. I spent time in both these groups getting to know kids that I had things in common with. I ate lunch with these people, sat in class and rode the bus with them.
These groups helped me get to know and spend time with the other kids that I wouldn’t have gotten to know had I just gone to class and home again. There are many special interest groups in high schools, from sport to language to vocational groups.
The second important group was the church youth group. Every furlough my sister and I attended the same church, so we were familiar with lots of the kids who were in the youth programs. Very few of these went to my school, but I had Christian friends to go out with on weekends and looked forward to going to church on Sundays without feeling like a stranger.’
Ethan has an innate sense of the four spaces of belonging. He instinctively understands that 'deep' friendships will not necessarily help him belong, but that public and social belonging will start that process.
Ethan is also far more other-centred than Christine. He doesn't expect that anyone will come to him. Rather, he knows he will have to go to them. He echoes God's love in the initiative that he takes with other people.
And from the tone of his words, Ethan is a whole lot happier than Christine!
‘Overwhelmed is a good word to describe how I felt at the beginning of my senior year in the huge highschool in my home country. I had never seen so many white kids in my life.
Very quickly I learned that in order to meet people, make new friends and learn the ropes, I had to initiate the conversation. The other kids were not interested in me, nor did they have a desire to understand the places I had been and the things I had seen. In order to fit in, I felt I had to talk about the things and places with which they were familiar. In essence, I had to be like them.
Sounds like the beginning of a miserable year, right? It actually ended up being not so bad. Two things helped. First, I got involved in small groups at school. The first week I tried out for the swim team and because I could swim well from my years in Africa, I became captain of the team. I also joined the choir. I spent time in both these groups getting to know kids that I had things in common with. I ate lunch with these people, sat in class and rode the bus with them.
These groups helped me get to know and spend time with the other kids that I wouldn’t have gotten to know had I just gone to class and home again. There are many special interest groups in high schools, from sport to language to vocational groups.
The second important group was the church youth group. Every furlough my sister and I attended the same church, so we were familiar with lots of the kids who were in the youth programs. Very few of these went to my school, but I had Christian friends to go out with on weekends and looked forward to going to church on Sundays without feeling like a stranger.’
Ethan has an innate sense of the four spaces of belonging. He instinctively understands that 'deep' friendships will not necessarily help him belong, but that public and social belonging will start that process.
Ethan is also far more other-centred than Christine. He doesn't expect that anyone will come to him. Rather, he knows he will have to go to them. He echoes God's love in the initiative that he takes with other people.
And from the tone of his words, Ethan is a whole lot happier than Christine!
Thursday, June 21, 2007
More on Belonging
I'm still preparing these talks on belonging and friendship for the MK camp. In my research on the internet, I came across this personal story. The person's name is not Christine - I've just named her that for my own purposes.
If you're new, foreign or different, how do you approach the task of settling in, fitting in, belonging, finding friends, finding connections... whatever you want to call it?
Here are the words of "Christine'', several years after she switched countries. She doesn't sound like a happy camper.
‘Having left my friends overseas, I’ve made some new acquaintances, but because time spent with them is very limited, there isn’t the same level of friendship with them that I’ve had with older friends.
To some extent this is true anywhere, since once you begin your career, you simply have less time to spend with your friends because of work schedules, moving, marriage, general busyness, etc.
The biggest difference, however, lies in not having memories or personal history to reminisce with someone about. When the conversation turns to something or someone you’ve never heard of, or never experienced, your interest naturally wanes because you can’t identify with it.
This prevents friendships from growing or deepening, and results in ‘surface relationships’. In this regard, I still feel very disconnected from both people and churches.’
What is the essence of Christine's problem?
Firstly, I don’t think Christine understands the different ways you can belong at all. On this blog I've mentioned the 'four spaces of belonging' several times. They are: public, social, personal and intimate.
I think Christine is pinning all her hopes for belonging on one or two spaces.
She is effectively saying, ‘only the personal and intimate spaces are valuable relationships. The public and social spaces don’t matter. In fact, they are second best because they are only ‘surface relationships’.
Secondly: I don’t think Christine really understands all that is true about the Trinity and relationships. To relate to others the way God intended us to relate, we need to hold three things in balance: togetherness, difference and interdependence.
Christine loves togetherness. But she doesn’t really understand how difference can be a part of togetherness. She’s allowing her difference to be a separation from others, rather than a means of enjoyment. And she is not experiencing any interdependence. She doesn’t need the people she’s got around her. And she’s not allowing them to need her. There’s very little real give and take.
Poor Christine. Many people, especially those who have moved around a lot, know how she feels. But the reality is, we don’t have to feel that way, at least not forever.
If we start now to understand how belonging works, and what we can do to make it happen for us, we won't have to have a personal story like Christine's for too long.
If you're new, foreign or different, how do you approach the task of settling in, fitting in, belonging, finding friends, finding connections... whatever you want to call it?
Here are the words of "Christine'', several years after she switched countries. She doesn't sound like a happy camper.
‘Having left my friends overseas, I’ve made some new acquaintances, but because time spent with them is very limited, there isn’t the same level of friendship with them that I’ve had with older friends.
To some extent this is true anywhere, since once you begin your career, you simply have less time to spend with your friends because of work schedules, moving, marriage, general busyness, etc.
The biggest difference, however, lies in not having memories or personal history to reminisce with someone about. When the conversation turns to something or someone you’ve never heard of, or never experienced, your interest naturally wanes because you can’t identify with it.
This prevents friendships from growing or deepening, and results in ‘surface relationships’. In this regard, I still feel very disconnected from both people and churches.’
What is the essence of Christine's problem?
Firstly, I don’t think Christine understands the different ways you can belong at all. On this blog I've mentioned the 'four spaces of belonging' several times. They are: public, social, personal and intimate.
I think Christine is pinning all her hopes for belonging on one or two spaces.
She is effectively saying, ‘only the personal and intimate spaces are valuable relationships. The public and social spaces don’t matter. In fact, they are second best because they are only ‘surface relationships’.
Secondly: I don’t think Christine really understands all that is true about the Trinity and relationships. To relate to others the way God intended us to relate, we need to hold three things in balance: togetherness, difference and interdependence.
Christine loves togetherness. But she doesn’t really understand how difference can be a part of togetherness. She’s allowing her difference to be a separation from others, rather than a means of enjoyment. And she is not experiencing any interdependence. She doesn’t need the people she’s got around her. And she’s not allowing them to need her. There’s very little real give and take.
Poor Christine. Many people, especially those who have moved around a lot, know how she feels. But the reality is, we don’t have to feel that way, at least not forever.
If we start now to understand how belonging works, and what we can do to make it happen for us, we won't have to have a personal story like Christine's for too long.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
What's most important
"...do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven." Luke 10:20
It's been a bit dismal recently. The weather has been Wet. The ground outside has been Soggy. One child has been Sick. The other two have been Cranky.
Some of my thoughts have been, in no particular order:
how did I get myself into this situation? when will I ever be able to write my next book? why don't I have enough energy to invite anyone over? wouldn't life be a lot easier if I was a man? hate... grumble... grouse... cranky... don't touch/come near/annoy me, especially if you're under the age of eight...
So it was timely this morning to read a little blurb on the above verse. Jesus was talking to his disciples after they returned from a very successful mission. They had seen great things happen. They were at their peak of success. But Jesus said, don't get hung up on your success. Instead, be happy that you're saved.
My problem is that I'm not at the peak of my success, but wishing desperately that I was. So it's good to be reminded not to be concerned about the success, but instead, be happy that I'm saved.
Which, indeed, I am.
It's been a bit dismal recently. The weather has been Wet. The ground outside has been Soggy. One child has been Sick. The other two have been Cranky.
Some of my thoughts have been, in no particular order:
how did I get myself into this situation? when will I ever be able to write my next book? why don't I have enough energy to invite anyone over? wouldn't life be a lot easier if I was a man? hate... grumble... grouse... cranky... don't touch/come near/annoy me, especially if you're under the age of eight...
So it was timely this morning to read a little blurb on the above verse. Jesus was talking to his disciples after they returned from a very successful mission. They had seen great things happen. They were at their peak of success. But Jesus said, don't get hung up on your success. Instead, be happy that you're saved.
My problem is that I'm not at the peak of my success, but wishing desperately that I was. So it's good to be reminded not to be concerned about the success, but instead, be happy that I'm saved.
Which, indeed, I am.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Not good to be alone
Yesterday I blogged about the idea that being made in the image of God means that we need people. In Genesis, God says, "It's not good for a man to be alone."
Marriage is probably what most people think of when they read this verse. But I think it may be helpful to see this in terms of other kinds of relationships too. This story sets the scene for the beginning of all human society. There are many ways to be with others.
Joe Myers' four ‘spaces’ of belonging in life, public, social, personal and intimate are a framework to think about different kinds of relationships.
It is not good for someone to be alone – in the public space.
Why? You miss out on togetherness. There's no sense of belonging to a bigger picture. You miss out on difference. You’re a unique part of a bigger whole. You don’t see yourself in proportion. You miss out on interdependence - the wonderful feeling of a whole group achieving something bigger than you could do yourself.
It is not good for someone to be alone – in the social space
You miss out on togetherness – the feeling of belonging to ‘these people’. You miss out on difference – opportunities to get to know different others, to learn new information, to experience new things. You miss out on interdependence – the neighbourliness, the asking of little favours, being able to serve people in those ways.
It is not good for someone to be alone – in the personal space
You miss out on togetherness – the warm care and acceptance of others. Experiencing your own feelings, and sharing others’ joy and burdens. You miss the joy of a friendship, and the excitement of working towards something together. You miss out on difference – the fun of trying to understand your friends, learning from them. You miss the ability to demonstrate and receive grace. You miss out on interdependence Needing to need and be needed, the sharpening of your mind and refining of your character.
It is not good for someone to be alone – in the intimate space
You miss out on togetherness – the joy of being with someone who really loves you and sharing the deepest part of your soul. You miss out on difference – loving someone who is not you. You miss out on interdependence – the joy of being completely accepted, learning stronger lessons about love.
Marriage is probably what most people think of when they read this verse. But I think it may be helpful to see this in terms of other kinds of relationships too. This story sets the scene for the beginning of all human society. There are many ways to be with others.
Joe Myers' four ‘spaces’ of belonging in life, public, social, personal and intimate are a framework to think about different kinds of relationships.
It is not good for someone to be alone – in the public space.
Why? You miss out on togetherness. There's no sense of belonging to a bigger picture. You miss out on difference. You’re a unique part of a bigger whole. You don’t see yourself in proportion. You miss out on interdependence - the wonderful feeling of a whole group achieving something bigger than you could do yourself.
It is not good for someone to be alone – in the social space
You miss out on togetherness – the feeling of belonging to ‘these people’. You miss out on difference – opportunities to get to know different others, to learn new information, to experience new things. You miss out on interdependence – the neighbourliness, the asking of little favours, being able to serve people in those ways.
It is not good for someone to be alone – in the personal space
You miss out on togetherness – the warm care and acceptance of others. Experiencing your own feelings, and sharing others’ joy and burdens. You miss the joy of a friendship, and the excitement of working towards something together. You miss out on difference – the fun of trying to understand your friends, learning from them. You miss the ability to demonstrate and receive grace. You miss out on interdependence Needing to need and be needed, the sharpening of your mind and refining of your character.
It is not good for someone to be alone – in the intimate space
You miss out on togetherness – the joy of being with someone who really loves you and sharing the deepest part of your soul. You miss out on difference – loving someone who is not you. You miss out on interdependence – the joy of being completely accepted, learning stronger lessons about love.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
'You and God' isn't enough.
I've heard it said that if you have a relationship with God, you have everything you need.
And of course, that is true. But if you take that statement to mean that you don't need people, you've got the meaning wrong.
Check out Genesis. The first chapter is a real triumph of creativity and blessing. God creating this fabulous planet, solar system, universe. It works well, it looks unreal, there are plants, animals, sun, moon, weather systems, geological systems. It is good, good, good, good, good, God says over and over again.
Until we get to Genesis 2:18.
“It is not good for a man to be alone”. God says in Genesis 2:18.
And my question is: why the heck not?
The reason why it is not good to be alone is: because we are made in the image of God.
Genesis 1:27 says: God created people in his own image; God patterned them after himself; male and female he created them.
What difference does that make?
God is one. But he is also three, in the Trinity. The Trinity is something that usually comes up in Sunday school and we all get out the egg illustration. How can God be one and three together? And who cares anyway? Does it make any difference to how I live my life?
Well, yes, actually.
God’s personhood shapes our identity as people. It shapes how we relate to other people.
God being trinity – three in one – shows us three things:
1. It’s not good to be alone. Why? Because: God at his very heart is relational. Each person of the Trinity is named in relation to the other – eg. The Father, the Son, Spirit of...
2. It’s good to be different and unique. Why? Because each person of the Trinity is different and unique. The Father is not the Son, is not the Spirit, is not the Father.
3. Loving interdependence is the way to relate. Why? Because the internal relationship of God is love. His nature is eternal togetherness. In his very being, God chooses to ‘be’ for others. There is a clear language of affection of love between the distinct persons in the Trinity. The god of the Bible is a personal God who is personal in his actions. He is a God of unyielding love who seeks us out for relationship. He loves us more than he loves himself. Loving is God’s very being.
So being truly human is finding your true being in relationship with God – and with others, because we are made in God’s image.
Ultimate reality is relational reality. In other words, if you are living apart from God and people, you are not really living.
The fact that God is a Trinity has dramatic consequences to the nature of our relationships with others. If we really believe that God is God, and that we are made in his image, we will think about our relationships differently.
1. Togetherness.
Instead of chasing our own stuff, and using people in order to achieve our own ends, we will be looking to serve God and others. We’ll be considering their needs above our own.
2. Difference.
Ever noticed that there’s a big push in society to make everyone the same? People are pretty scared of difference. It’s threatening. But from God’s point of view, we can appreciate diversity because each person in the Trinity is unique. Every person has unique qualities that we can embrace and appreciate. Also, in our close relationships, we won’t get enmeshed. We can be close, but separate.
3. Interdependence.
Heard this phrase? No man is an island? Understanding the character of God in the Trinity means that we have a great understanding of the idea of the body! What one person does affects another. What one person needs can be supplied by another. What one person is trying to accomplish can be helped along by another. We don’t have to be self-sufficient, independent or a ‘solitary hero’. In fact, it’s unchristian to be so!
Being the person God created you to be means that you cannot embrace individualism, you can’t live separated from others, you cannot truly be self-sufficient.
We need to be in relationships with people. It’s essential to our proper life as people. It’s the way God designed us. If we’re not, we are missing a whole part of how life is supposed to be.
And, our relationships must have these three qualities: togetherness, interdependence, difference.
Most of this post is based on my husband's post on the Trinity! So thanks AP
And of course, that is true. But if you take that statement to mean that you don't need people, you've got the meaning wrong.
Check out Genesis. The first chapter is a real triumph of creativity and blessing. God creating this fabulous planet, solar system, universe. It works well, it looks unreal, there are plants, animals, sun, moon, weather systems, geological systems. It is good, good, good, good, good, God says over and over again.
Until we get to Genesis 2:18.
“It is not good for a man to be alone”. God says in Genesis 2:18.
And my question is: why the heck not?
The reason why it is not good to be alone is: because we are made in the image of God.
Genesis 1:27 says: God created people in his own image; God patterned them after himself; male and female he created them.
What difference does that make?
God is one. But he is also three, in the Trinity. The Trinity is something that usually comes up in Sunday school and we all get out the egg illustration. How can God be one and three together? And who cares anyway? Does it make any difference to how I live my life?
Well, yes, actually.
God’s personhood shapes our identity as people. It shapes how we relate to other people.
God being trinity – three in one – shows us three things:
1. It’s not good to be alone. Why? Because: God at his very heart is relational. Each person of the Trinity is named in relation to the other – eg. The Father, the Son, Spirit of...
2. It’s good to be different and unique. Why? Because each person of the Trinity is different and unique. The Father is not the Son, is not the Spirit, is not the Father.
3. Loving interdependence is the way to relate. Why? Because the internal relationship of God is love. His nature is eternal togetherness. In his very being, God chooses to ‘be’ for others. There is a clear language of affection of love between the distinct persons in the Trinity. The god of the Bible is a personal God who is personal in his actions. He is a God of unyielding love who seeks us out for relationship. He loves us more than he loves himself. Loving is God’s very being.
So being truly human is finding your true being in relationship with God – and with others, because we are made in God’s image.
Ultimate reality is relational reality. In other words, if you are living apart from God and people, you are not really living.
The fact that God is a Trinity has dramatic consequences to the nature of our relationships with others. If we really believe that God is God, and that we are made in his image, we will think about our relationships differently.
1. Togetherness.
Instead of chasing our own stuff, and using people in order to achieve our own ends, we will be looking to serve God and others. We’ll be considering their needs above our own.
2. Difference.
Ever noticed that there’s a big push in society to make everyone the same? People are pretty scared of difference. It’s threatening. But from God’s point of view, we can appreciate diversity because each person in the Trinity is unique. Every person has unique qualities that we can embrace and appreciate. Also, in our close relationships, we won’t get enmeshed. We can be close, but separate.
3. Interdependence.
Heard this phrase? No man is an island? Understanding the character of God in the Trinity means that we have a great understanding of the idea of the body! What one person does affects another. What one person needs can be supplied by another. What one person is trying to accomplish can be helped along by another. We don’t have to be self-sufficient, independent or a ‘solitary hero’. In fact, it’s unchristian to be so!
Being the person God created you to be means that you cannot embrace individualism, you can’t live separated from others, you cannot truly be self-sufficient.
We need to be in relationships with people. It’s essential to our proper life as people. It’s the way God designed us. If we’re not, we are missing a whole part of how life is supposed to be.
And, our relationships must have these three qualities: togetherness, interdependence, difference.
Most of this post is based on my husband's post on the Trinity! So thanks AP
Monday, June 11, 2007
Who am I?
A friend blogged about personality types, according to the Myers Briggs test.
I took this test when I was 15, amongst our high school group of about 30 students. I came out with an unusual combination. The only person who had the same result was the only person I really didn't like in the whole group.
I took it again today, and had a slightly different result* from my teenage self.
ENFJ is now my label, and it looks like I've done the right sorts of jobs for my type so far in life. See how you fare.
*I came out an exact middle between extrovert and introvert as a teenager. This time I am a moderate extrovert, which is probably due to more maturity and experience.
I took this test when I was 15, amongst our high school group of about 30 students. I came out with an unusual combination. The only person who had the same result was the only person I really didn't like in the whole group.
I took it again today, and had a slightly different result* from my teenage self.
ENFJ is now my label, and it looks like I've done the right sorts of jobs for my type so far in life. See how you fare.
*I came out an exact middle between extrovert and introvert as a teenager. This time I am a moderate extrovert, which is probably due to more maturity and experience.
Saturday, June 09, 2007
If there were only five* movies left in the world...
... I hope they would be these.
1. Dead Poets Society
I still cry in the last scene when Ethan Hawke stands on the desk and says "Oh Captain My Captain".
2. Strictly Ballroom
Wild, wacky, tragic, glitzy. The script is perfect. And I'm a sucker for a dancing movie.
3. Quiz Show
This explores the inside of dishonesty, lying and guilt with personally devestating consequences. Based on a true story.
4. Crash
Intersecting stories based around racism and prejudice. Some very impressive cinematography and interesting characters.
5. The Last King of Scotland
A young man makes amoral decisions, which in his own country would have nondescript consequences, but in Idi Amin's Uganda, a situation of evil and violence, he finds himself working for evil and unable to escape. Violent, but real. It made me question the ultimate consequences of some of my own decisions. And then repent.
*My cinema and film knowledge is a little bit limited. So I couldn't actually come up with ten!
1. Dead Poets Society
I still cry in the last scene when Ethan Hawke stands on the desk and says "Oh Captain My Captain".
2. Strictly Ballroom
Wild, wacky, tragic, glitzy. The script is perfect. And I'm a sucker for a dancing movie.
3. Quiz Show
This explores the inside of dishonesty, lying and guilt with personally devestating consequences. Based on a true story.
4. Crash
Intersecting stories based around racism and prejudice. Some very impressive cinematography and interesting characters.
5. The Last King of Scotland
A young man makes amoral decisions, which in his own country would have nondescript consequences, but in Idi Amin's Uganda, a situation of evil and violence, he finds himself working for evil and unable to escape. Violent, but real. It made me question the ultimate consequences of some of my own decisions. And then repent.
*My cinema and film knowledge is a little bit limited. So I couldn't actually come up with ten!
Friday, June 08, 2007
If there were only ten books left in the world...
... I hope they would be these:
1. The Bible
Obvious reasons. Source of true life, wisdom, comfort, rebuke, encouragement, knowledge of God and the plan of salvation, let alone some of the greatest literature ever written.
2. To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee
Her 'voice' is flawless. The child's perspective gives so much more to the story. The structure works beautifully. And I want to marry (or failing that, be just like) Atticus Finch.
3. How People Grow, Cloud and Townsend
Simply the best, most practical book I've read on how theology and Christian growth work together. Real answers for real problems of Christian living.
4. Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen
I couldn't choose which Austen I wanted, so I had to put in the four best. Her characters are peerless, her insight is perfect and her dialogue works.
5. Mansfield Park, Austen
I love the use of place in this novel, and I do like Fanny Price, no matter what anyone says.
6. Persuasion, Austen
The beauty of a quiet, wise spirit in Anne.
7. Emma, Austen
I used to think I was Emma. Thankfully I think I've grown up a little. But she's good for a groan and a cringe. And the inimitable Miss Bates and Mrs Elton are too good to miss.
8. Vanity Fair, WM Thackeray
Every time I read this tome (it's a big'un) I find something new and delightful and horrible. A good drawing of very flawed characters.
9. The Divided Self, Marlene Cohen
When I read this first I was amazed at how clearly she could talk about the splits in the Christian life. I re-read this every couple of years and learn something new.
10. These Happy Golden Years, Laura Ingalls Wilder
This book is like chicken soup for the soul. I loved it as a child. I love it still. If I could add in all the rest of the series, I would too.
1. The Bible
Obvious reasons. Source of true life, wisdom, comfort, rebuke, encouragement, knowledge of God and the plan of salvation, let alone some of the greatest literature ever written.
2. To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee
Her 'voice' is flawless. The child's perspective gives so much more to the story. The structure works beautifully. And I want to marry (or failing that, be just like) Atticus Finch.
3. How People Grow, Cloud and Townsend
Simply the best, most practical book I've read on how theology and Christian growth work together. Real answers for real problems of Christian living.
4. Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen
I couldn't choose which Austen I wanted, so I had to put in the four best. Her characters are peerless, her insight is perfect and her dialogue works.
5. Mansfield Park, Austen
I love the use of place in this novel, and I do like Fanny Price, no matter what anyone says.
6. Persuasion, Austen
The beauty of a quiet, wise spirit in Anne.
7. Emma, Austen
I used to think I was Emma. Thankfully I think I've grown up a little. But she's good for a groan and a cringe. And the inimitable Miss Bates and Mrs Elton are too good to miss.
8. Vanity Fair, WM Thackeray
Every time I read this tome (it's a big'un) I find something new and delightful and horrible. A good drawing of very flawed characters.
9. The Divided Self, Marlene Cohen
When I read this first I was amazed at how clearly she could talk about the splits in the Christian life. I re-read this every couple of years and learn something new.
10. These Happy Golden Years, Laura Ingalls Wilder
This book is like chicken soup for the soul. I loved it as a child. I love it still. If I could add in all the rest of the series, I would too.
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Turn the other
A small example of how this verse can work.
"You have heard that the law of Moses says, 'If an eye is injured, injure the eye of the person who did it. If a tooth gets knocked out, knock out the tooth of the person who did it.' But I say, don't resist an evil person! If you are slapped on the right cheek, turn the other, too." Matthew 5:38-39
From the age of 11 until the age of 15, I went to boarding school in the beautiful Himalayas in Pakistan.
The setting was incredible, but it didn't always transfer across to relationships. Like any teenage girls, we all had our fair share of difficulties with our friends.
In eighth grade, I was sharing a room with four girls, including one called Grace. Up until this point we had been reasonably good friends. But one day, very suddenly, she took a huge dislike to me, without telling me why. She wouldn't speak to me or look at me. She ignored me completely at meals, in the dorm room and in class. It was a small school, and this was actually pretty hard to do, but she made a great job of it. It was as if I didn’t exist any longer in her world.
I was very upset for a few weeks. I tried to get her to talk to me and tell me what I’d done, but she refused.
So after a while, I decided that she could be as ridiculous as she liked, but that I would still be pleasant to her. So every time I passed her in the hall, I said ‘hi Grace’. I smiled at her pleasantly. I asked her to pass things at meals, and I was as conciliatory as I could be, without being cloying or over the top.
She ignored me successfully for about six weeks. And then one day, came up to me out of the blue. “Can I talk to you?”
“I’m really sorry," she said. "I just decided I didn’t like you one day and I was unfair and mean to you. But you kept being nice to me, even when I was being horrible. And I feel bad and I need to apologise.”
We were friends again! We were never best friends again after that, but at least we had a pleasant relationship and were on good terms. And I felt secretly pleased that my Christian behaviour had worked!
"You have heard that the law of Moses says, 'If an eye is injured, injure the eye of the person who did it. If a tooth gets knocked out, knock out the tooth of the person who did it.' But I say, don't resist an evil person! If you are slapped on the right cheek, turn the other, too." Matthew 5:38-39
From the age of 11 until the age of 15, I went to boarding school in the beautiful Himalayas in Pakistan.
The setting was incredible, but it didn't always transfer across to relationships. Like any teenage girls, we all had our fair share of difficulties with our friends.
In eighth grade, I was sharing a room with four girls, including one called Grace. Up until this point we had been reasonably good friends. But one day, very suddenly, she took a huge dislike to me, without telling me why. She wouldn't speak to me or look at me. She ignored me completely at meals, in the dorm room and in class. It was a small school, and this was actually pretty hard to do, but she made a great job of it. It was as if I didn’t exist any longer in her world.
I was very upset for a few weeks. I tried to get her to talk to me and tell me what I’d done, but she refused.
So after a while, I decided that she could be as ridiculous as she liked, but that I would still be pleasant to her. So every time I passed her in the hall, I said ‘hi Grace’. I smiled at her pleasantly. I asked her to pass things at meals, and I was as conciliatory as I could be, without being cloying or over the top.
She ignored me successfully for about six weeks. And then one day, came up to me out of the blue. “Can I talk to you?”
“I’m really sorry," she said. "I just decided I didn’t like you one day and I was unfair and mean to you. But you kept being nice to me, even when I was being horrible. And I feel bad and I need to apologise.”
We were friends again! We were never best friends again after that, but at least we had a pleasant relationship and were on good terms. And I felt secretly pleased that my Christian behaviour had worked!
So many options, so little time
We were having a conversation with our seven year old this morning.
Her: I'm going to be a professor or a scientist when I grow up.
Us: That's interesting. Do you like science a lot?
Her: (screwing up her nose) Oh, no. No, I don't like science at all.
Us: You might have to choose something else then.
Her: Don't worry. I've got options.
Us: Oh really? Such as?
Her: Well, hairdresser, shopkeeper, teacher, book writer, Prime Minister, minister in a church, or just a person who goes to church.
Us: Ummmm, great! (what do you say at this point?)
Her: I'm going to be a professor or a scientist when I grow up.
Us: That's interesting. Do you like science a lot?
Her: (screwing up her nose) Oh, no. No, I don't like science at all.
Us: You might have to choose something else then.
Her: Don't worry. I've got options.
Us: Oh really? Such as?
Her: Well, hairdresser, shopkeeper, teacher, book writer, Prime Minister, minister in a church, or just a person who goes to church.
Us: Ummmm, great! (what do you say at this point?)
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Belonging II - whoops!
Y'know what? I've blogged on this before!
As I pasted in my notes, I thought, "this looks familiar" and I dug back in the archives to see if it was there.
And it was. Apologies to those who read it already. If you didn't, you might like to go back and check it out.
As I pasted in my notes, I thought, "this looks familiar" and I dug back in the archives to see if it was there.
And it was. Apologies to those who read it already. If you didn't, you might like to go back and check it out.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Belonging I
Ever been told that 'the best way to really belong to this church is to join a small group'?
Small groups can be great things. But did you know that across the board, only about 30 per cent of congregation members ever end up staying in them?
If they are the place in which people find 'belonging' in the church, then does that mean that the 70 per cent who don't find their place in a small group really don't belong?
Joseph Myers' book The Search to Belong has an interesting take on the whole idea of belonging. (Check out Myers' blogspace here.)
He argues that there are four 'spaces' or types of belonging. And small groups only deliver one or two specific kinds of connection. A person’s search for community is far more complex than this. People can experience belonging in groups ranging in size from 2 to 2000.
Watch this space for more on the four spaces of belonging. It's a concept I'll be bringing into my talks on friendship in July.
Small groups can be great things. But did you know that across the board, only about 30 per cent of congregation members ever end up staying in them?
If they are the place in which people find 'belonging' in the church, then does that mean that the 70 per cent who don't find their place in a small group really don't belong?
Joseph Myers' book The Search to Belong has an interesting take on the whole idea of belonging. (Check out Myers' blogspace here.)
He argues that there are four 'spaces' or types of belonging. And small groups only deliver one or two specific kinds of connection. A person’s search for community is far more complex than this. People can experience belonging in groups ranging in size from 2 to 2000.
Watch this space for more on the four spaces of belonging. It's a concept I'll be bringing into my talks on friendship in July.
Sunday, June 03, 2007
Two things
First, I successfully knitted a pair of baby mittens. Yeah!
Second, there's an evangelical day conference coming up in August that I'm planning to go to. It's called 'Better Together', looking at men and women using their God-given gifts together in ministry and in life. Just letting you know. Maybe see you there?
Second, there's an evangelical day conference coming up in August that I'm planning to go to. It's called 'Better Together', looking at men and women using their God-given gifts together in ministry and in life. Just letting you know. Maybe see you there?
If I publish this word, this site will come up as objectionable
Our sermon at church today was on 1 Corinthians 5, and the issue of sexual immorality and church discipline. It reminded me of a talk I gave teenagers once on why they would do best to wait until marriage before they 'get into it'. Apart from the fact that the Bible speaks strongly against extra-marital sex, here are some of the reasons why.
If you wait until marriage, you can know that the person likes you for who you are, and not because you’ll go all the way.
If you wait, you can have a good confidence that both you and your partner will be able to stand firm in the face of other temptations in the future. For example, they should be able to resist having affairs if they have resisted hopping into bed with you.
If you wait, you can focus on communication skills and develop a good non-sexual relationship, which will stand your marriage in good stead for the future.
Research shows that marriages that start out as live-together have a 50% higher divorce rate.
Communication relies on words ,and body language. Having sex is the ultimate body language. It sends really strong messages to you and the other person.
The messages sent are: “I really care about you, I really want to be with you. I want to look after you. I only want you.” If you say these things with your body, but you won’t say them with your words, you are lying to the other person.
Marriage is when you say these words with your mouth, and you say them with your body.
Lying to people – whether with words, or with your body - has terrible consequences. People who are lied to lose the ability to trust. They begin to lie themselves. If you lie to people, you rip them off.
Having sex is like giving the most precious part of yourself away. You need to know that the person you give it to will respect, love and look after you, so you won’t be hurt. Marriage formalises that bond, and allows you to give to each other with freedom and joy, rather than fear it will be rejected.
If you have sex with someone else, you are stealing that freedom from yourself, from your partner, and from the spouses you both might have in the future. Every person you have sex with – you will remember. It’ll be like taking them to bed with you whenever you do it with your spouse. Do you want to marry someone who’s bringing all their exes to bed with them whenever they come to you?
Instead of wishing you could have sex now (if you’re single) why not start working towards preparing yourself to be a great marriage partner for whoever you marry in the future. Work on your patience, forgiveness, love, courage, honesty, sense of humour and faithfulness.
Since the Pill, we've had 'sex without consequences' - or have we? There are still physical results of sex. Sure, you might not get pregnant if you take the pill or use condoms. But then again, you might. Accidents do happen! And when they do, they produce babies.
Babies need two parents. Better than that, they need two mature parents. Don’t rip your future children off.
STDs are also prevalent. 1 in 5 between 15 and 55 is infected with an STD. Some can make you infertile.
God is not a kill-joy. He only wants the best for you. Sex is wonderful when used how it is meant to be used.
If you wait until marriage, you can know that the person likes you for who you are, and not because you’ll go all the way.
If you wait, you can have a good confidence that both you and your partner will be able to stand firm in the face of other temptations in the future. For example, they should be able to resist having affairs if they have resisted hopping into bed with you.
If you wait, you can focus on communication skills and develop a good non-sexual relationship, which will stand your marriage in good stead for the future.
Research shows that marriages that start out as live-together have a 50% higher divorce rate.
Communication relies on words ,and body language. Having sex is the ultimate body language. It sends really strong messages to you and the other person.
The messages sent are: “I really care about you, I really want to be with you. I want to look after you. I only want you.” If you say these things with your body, but you won’t say them with your words, you are lying to the other person.
Marriage is when you say these words with your mouth, and you say them with your body.
Lying to people – whether with words, or with your body - has terrible consequences. People who are lied to lose the ability to trust. They begin to lie themselves. If you lie to people, you rip them off.
Having sex is like giving the most precious part of yourself away. You need to know that the person you give it to will respect, love and look after you, so you won’t be hurt. Marriage formalises that bond, and allows you to give to each other with freedom and joy, rather than fear it will be rejected.
If you have sex with someone else, you are stealing that freedom from yourself, from your partner, and from the spouses you both might have in the future. Every person you have sex with – you will remember. It’ll be like taking them to bed with you whenever you do it with your spouse. Do you want to marry someone who’s bringing all their exes to bed with them whenever they come to you?
Instead of wishing you could have sex now (if you’re single) why not start working towards preparing yourself to be a great marriage partner for whoever you marry in the future. Work on your patience, forgiveness, love, courage, honesty, sense of humour and faithfulness.
Since the Pill, we've had 'sex without consequences' - or have we? There are still physical results of sex. Sure, you might not get pregnant if you take the pill or use condoms. But then again, you might. Accidents do happen! And when they do, they produce babies.
Babies need two parents. Better than that, they need two mature parents. Don’t rip your future children off.
STDs are also prevalent. 1 in 5 between 15 and 55 is infected with an STD. Some can make you infertile.
God is not a kill-joy. He only wants the best for you. Sex is wonderful when used how it is meant to be used.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Another life changing book
I've just finished reading yet another book that has spurred me to make major changes in my life - Adrenaline and Stress by Dr Arch Hart*.
The thesis of the book is this:
Hmmm.
Then I did the test for the Type A personality. You might have guessed that I fit it perfectly. It was almost like the whole book was describing me, so I think it's official: I am an adrenaline junkie!
This comes at a very interesting time for me. For several weeks now I have been dogged by constant fatigue. Even now, as I blog, I am feeling tired, headachey and shivery.
Looking back on the past few years, I think I have been engaging in non-stop adrenaline rushes. I've put a whole lot of energy into moving three times in four years, meeting lots of new people at different churches, working at one of the churches, supporting a husband through Bible college, having two babies, having a child start school, writing a book, starting and selling a small business, losing a lot of weight, and finally being worried about my autistic son, getting a diagnosis and finding out about therapies by myself, plus then doing said therapy...
It's no wonder I feel completely exhausted right now.
So the next few months are going to be time for recovery and re-thinking the manner in which I live my normal life so that I don't do what I said the Type A people do - ie. die.
Here's a question: should I stop the blog? I think I won't. But if you don't hear from me for a while, you know the reason!
* Christian American doctor and psychologist. He has just been on a speaking tour in Australia. My husband went to hear him with the church staff team and came home telling me how he needs to get more sleep. Funny... I've been telling him that for years. But then, he's been telling me for years that I need to slow down. Neither of us listens to the other!
The thesis of the book is this:
- The body's adrenaline system is fantastic. It gets us going when we really need to react to something.
- But today's life is too fast and many of us have our adrenaline system turned on permanently.
- We get addicted to the adrenaline rush that comes with any positive challenge or negative crisis.
- We seek out more and more adrenaline rushes and find it impossible to relax and take the recovery time that is supposed to occur as part of the adrenaline system.
- This does damage to our body and will eventually lead to stress disease and burnout.
- People who are Type A personalities really need to slow down or they will die.
Hmmm.
Then I did the test for the Type A personality. You might have guessed that I fit it perfectly. It was almost like the whole book was describing me, so I think it's official: I am an adrenaline junkie!
This comes at a very interesting time for me. For several weeks now I have been dogged by constant fatigue. Even now, as I blog, I am feeling tired, headachey and shivery.
Looking back on the past few years, I think I have been engaging in non-stop adrenaline rushes. I've put a whole lot of energy into moving three times in four years, meeting lots of new people at different churches, working at one of the churches, supporting a husband through Bible college, having two babies, having a child start school, writing a book, starting and selling a small business, losing a lot of weight, and finally being worried about my autistic son, getting a diagnosis and finding out about therapies by myself, plus then doing said therapy...
It's no wonder I feel completely exhausted right now.
So the next few months are going to be time for recovery and re-thinking the manner in which I live my normal life so that I don't do what I said the Type A people do - ie. die.
Here's a question: should I stop the blog? I think I won't. But if you don't hear from me for a while, you know the reason!
* Christian American doctor and psychologist. He has just been on a speaking tour in Australia. My husband went to hear him with the church staff team and came home telling me how he needs to get more sleep. Funny... I've been telling him that for years. But then, he's been telling me for years that I need to slow down. Neither of us listens to the other!
Repairing or replacing at church
It occurred to me that the principles I posted yesterday from the book 'Safe People' on whether to repair or replace relationships apply just as strongly to church.
Lots of people aren't happy at their churches - and often for a variety of reasons. Lots of the reasons are justified, many are not. But either way, the fact is that church is a body of people, all in relationships. And relationships should be at the core of church life.
So if you're thinking about whether to leave your church and find a new one, it would be a good idea to go through the six steps and see if your reasons for leaving are reasons that will eventually build up the body of Christ, or tear it apart.
Lots of people aren't happy at their churches - and often for a variety of reasons. Lots of the reasons are justified, many are not. But either way, the fact is that church is a body of people, all in relationships. And relationships should be at the core of church life.
So if you're thinking about whether to leave your church and find a new one, it would be a good idea to go through the six steps and see if your reasons for leaving are reasons that will eventually build up the body of Christ, or tear it apart.
Monday, May 28, 2007
When should I leave?
I've been reading for these talks on friendship coming up, and one book that has been great is Safe People by Cloud and Townsend, the 'boundaries boys' as I call them.
The book is all about how to choose friends with good character, and how to be a friend with good character. But even if it only contained its last chapter, entitled 'Repair or Replace?' it would be a book well worth reading.
These days it's just so easy to leave a relationship, whether it's with a friend or significant other, or a marriage partner. Cloud and Townsend ask the important question of when it is appropriate to try to repair the relationship - or replace it with a new one.
They believe that God’s own example of how to reconcile relationships should instruct ours, and list these six steps on how to act in a broken relationship.
1. Start from a loved position. In other words, get support for yourself from a loving group of Christians. This gives you the support and love you need to be strong.
2. Act righteously and change yourself first. We need to remove logs from our own eyes before we take out specks in the eyes of others.
3. Use others to help. Maybe get counselling, intervention.
4. Accept the reality that the person may not be the person you want them to be. Forgive them for that and grieve your expectations. Ephesians 4:32 says “Be kind and compassionate, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.” You need to work out if people are bad... or just different from you. Appreciate their uniqueness and enjoy them.
5. Give change a chance. “To say that you now have boundaries and then leave, is not to have boundaries at all.” The real test of our character is to do the difficult things while in the difficult relationship, not to leave it. It takes a lot of courage and character to deal with a difficult person in the right way. We can only know that we have done the right thing and that we truly have character when we have been tested in the fire of relationship.”
6. Be long-suffering. Exodus 34:6-7 shows God as slow to anger and abounding in love and faithfulness. God is not someone who gives up on relationship easily. How long is too long? They say that only you and God know. But it is usually longer than we think. It is past the point of pain, or revenge, or despair, as God gives us the supernatural ability to love and keep seeking an answer. That is what he did for us, and that is what he calls us to do.
When is separation an option? The sad truth is some relationships are not workable if one party is not willing to change and reconcile, and separation may have to come into play at some point.
However, this may not necessarily be a permanent separation. Even after separating, we must be open to the person’s later repentance and accept them back if they have truly changed. (Luke 17:3-4)
Putting the steps into the opposite perspective, they write that you are not ready to replace a significant relationship if:
- You are trying to resolve it alone, without the help of others
- If there are ways you are contributing to the problem
- If you have not accepted the person, forgiven and grieved what you wanted them to be
- You have not used new skills and behaviours in the relationship, responding righteously
- You have not given change a chance
- You have not been long-suffering.
“Relationships are the most important aspect of the spiritual life. In fact, they are the spiritual life, as God defines it. To love God and love your neighbour as the main requirements of the Law.”
With apologies for the lack of original thought in this post. And if anyone wants to get at me for copyright reasons, please take into account that I think this book is so good that I can only be encouraging other people to buy it and read it for themselves!
Friday, May 25, 2007
Water
Australia has lots of water problems at the moment. Water is the hot topic. I grew up amidst continuous serious water shortages in Pakistan. We just never had enough of it, so I’m really good at saving it!
I want you to hold two water-related images in your mind. The first is a huge watering trough. Like an enormous flat tank. In Pakistan, you see these at watering places for animals. Goats, cows and camels can come to drink from them. People have to bring water to pour into them so that the animals can drink. The more the animals drink, the more the troughs have to be filled.
The second image is a mountain spring, bubbling over, never stopping, continually flowing over with fresh water.
Hold those two images next to each other – the trough and the mountain spring. Now ask yourself: which one is God like?
I want you to hold two water-related images in your mind. The first is a huge watering trough. Like an enormous flat tank. In Pakistan, you see these at watering places for animals. Goats, cows and camels can come to drink from them. People have to bring water to pour into them so that the animals can drink. The more the animals drink, the more the troughs have to be filled.
The second image is a mountain spring, bubbling over, never stopping, continually flowing over with fresh water.
Hold those two images next to each other – the trough and the mountain spring. Now ask yourself: which one is God like?
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Mouths of babes
Some things my seven year old has said to me recently:
In response to my admiration for her smooth skin, in comparison with my ageing hands, "But it doesn't make any difference Mum. You don't feel different inside just because you've got smooth skin."
At the end of a conversation about whether I might ever have another baby, "But it would have to be a girl, if you did have one. Because it would be a waste of a baby if it was a boy."
This morning as we walked to school, "I like that outfit on you. It makes you look young."
Ha!
In response to my admiration for her smooth skin, in comparison with my ageing hands, "But it doesn't make any difference Mum. You don't feel different inside just because you've got smooth skin."
At the end of a conversation about whether I might ever have another baby, "But it would have to be a girl, if you did have one. Because it would be a waste of a baby if it was a boy."
This morning as we walked to school, "I like that outfit on you. It makes you look young."
Ha!
Monday, May 21, 2007
Kefir
I would like to sing the praises of a wonderful pro-biotic my homeopath put me on to.
It's called kefir. It's made with a kefir 'grain' which is a little white clump of stuff that looks like a mini-cauliflower. You put the grain into milk and leave it on the shelf for a couple of days, whereupon, miraculously it turns into yoghurt-like curd.
You eat it, and it's full of good microbes which do really really good things for your gut!
I make plain kefir and mix it into my daily yoghurt, as well as strawberry flavoured kefir for my daughter. I also disguise a spoonful of it in my baby's jar of mushy food every day.
It's great for people with irritable bowel or digestive problems. I won't go into the details of how it has helped me because they aren't fit for publication, but suffice to say I won't go without it now.
The amazing thing is that with time and use, the grains actually grow. I've been able to break bits off and share them with friends. Kefir's taking off in Mittagong... if you want some, let me know!
Here's a site with more details about it. They claim, and I believe it, that,
"The effects of Kefir have been the secret of the people of Caucasus for a long time. From their early youth, they drink Kefir instead of water and eat Kefir thickened in place of dessert. Their life expectancy is between 110 to 150 years (the latter not being a rare occurrence). They do not have cancer, tuberculosis or digestive disorders."
It's called kefir. It's made with a kefir 'grain' which is a little white clump of stuff that looks like a mini-cauliflower. You put the grain into milk and leave it on the shelf for a couple of days, whereupon, miraculously it turns into yoghurt-like curd.
You eat it, and it's full of good microbes which do really really good things for your gut!
I make plain kefir and mix it into my daily yoghurt, as well as strawberry flavoured kefir for my daughter. I also disguise a spoonful of it in my baby's jar of mushy food every day.
It's great for people with irritable bowel or digestive problems. I won't go into the details of how it has helped me because they aren't fit for publication, but suffice to say I won't go without it now.
The amazing thing is that with time and use, the grains actually grow. I've been able to break bits off and share them with friends. Kefir's taking off in Mittagong... if you want some, let me know!
Here's a site with more details about it. They claim, and I believe it, that,
"The effects of Kefir have been the secret of the people of Caucasus for a long time. From their early youth, they drink Kefir instead of water and eat Kefir thickened in place of dessert. Their life expectancy is between 110 to 150 years (the latter not being a rare occurrence). They do not have cancer, tuberculosis or digestive disorders."
Sunday, May 20, 2007
A bit embarrassing
Here's a sign that a friend posted on his blog a few days ago. The embarrassing thing is that I had to think about why it was supposed to be funny.
I've always had trouble with left and right. The way I tell (still) is to hold my hand with my thumb perpendicular to fingers, making an 'L' shape. The hand with the L going the correct way is Left.
L for 'left' and L for 'loser'....
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Friendship
I'm starting to crystallize my thoughts on the friendship talks coming up in July.
Here are some tentative headings - four for four talks. Tell me if you think I'm missing something important.
God
The theology of friendship, Trinity as community, value of friendship in the Bible, what is friendship for? Life without fellowship is empty.
Belonging
What is friendship anyway? The different kinds of friendship. The different ways to belong to a community. Practical tips for making friends
You
What sort of a friend are you? What sort of character do you need to have to be the best friend possible? What kinds of friends do you choose?
Tricky Questions
Power in relationships. When to say goodbye. When is a friendship not healthy. Can guys and girls be friends? Dating, marriage and friendship.
Here are some tentative headings - four for four talks. Tell me if you think I'm missing something important.
God
The theology of friendship, Trinity as community, value of friendship in the Bible, what is friendship for? Life without fellowship is empty.
Belonging
What is friendship anyway? The different kinds of friendship. The different ways to belong to a community. Practical tips for making friends
You
What sort of a friend are you? What sort of character do you need to have to be the best friend possible? What kinds of friends do you choose?
Tricky Questions
Power in relationships. When to say goodbye. When is a friendship not healthy. Can guys and girls be friends? Dating, marriage and friendship.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Foodie frolics
I need some help in the kitchen.
What's the trick to getting potato fries nice and crispy? Mine were SOGGY yesterday. Yuck. The dog had them for breakfast.
What's the trick to getting potato fries nice and crispy? Mine were SOGGY yesterday. Yuck. The dog had them for breakfast.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Responsibility and Influence IV
See the last few posts for the thread of these comments. Last post I commented on the 'greatest commandment' as being our greatest responsibility and joy.
Do you remember the second greatest commandment? Again, I think it could be put as ‘the second greatest privilege’ – to love others as you love yourself.
In some ways, Jesus didn’t really need to spell this second commandment or privilege out. Because if we love God as God – and we honour God as the creator of everything, we will necessarily honour both ourselves and other people as God’s creations.
Now this is a different way of thinking about ourselves from the usual way people think about themselves and each other.
Most people, even if we don’t admit it, topple God out of the top spot, and put themselves as number one. Which means we effectively think of ourselves as God.
Why is it joyful to see ourselves as created, as humans with limitations?
Because most of our frustrations come from trying to control things that we have no business controlling. Other frustrations come from either trying and failing to be good enough, or justifying our own pathetic actions. Even more frustrations come from the fact that we have physical limitations, and we simply can’t do all we would hope or dream.
It is joyful to honour God as God, and see ourselves as God’s creations, because we know the God, who created us, and we know that he is in charge.
It’s a recipe to relax and give away that control and frustration! It means a whole new way of thinking about living.
We Christians have the joy of:
The joy of knowing that God reached down to me, through Jesus’ death on the cross, to make me good enough, and to forgive me completely – that’s real joy.
Do you remember the second greatest commandment? Again, I think it could be put as ‘the second greatest privilege’ – to love others as you love yourself.
In some ways, Jesus didn’t really need to spell this second commandment or privilege out. Because if we love God as God – and we honour God as the creator of everything, we will necessarily honour both ourselves and other people as God’s creations.
Now this is a different way of thinking about ourselves from the usual way people think about themselves and each other.
Most people, even if we don’t admit it, topple God out of the top spot, and put themselves as number one. Which means we effectively think of ourselves as God.
Why is it joyful to see ourselves as created, as humans with limitations?
Because most of our frustrations come from trying to control things that we have no business controlling. Other frustrations come from either trying and failing to be good enough, or justifying our own pathetic actions. Even more frustrations come from the fact that we have physical limitations, and we simply can’t do all we would hope or dream.
It is joyful to honour God as God, and see ourselves as God’s creations, because we know the God, who created us, and we know that he is in charge.
It’s a recipe to relax and give away that control and frustration! It means a whole new way of thinking about living.
We Christians have the joy of:
- Relying on God for strength, resources, everything needed to live, physically and spiritually
- Loving God because he is God (not for what he can ‘do’ for us)!
- Not seeing ourselves as God and getting frustrated because we are not in control.
- Accepting our limitations (physical, spiritual, emotional) and not overworking in defiance of those. In otherwords, looking after ourselves.
- Not trying to ‘save’ others, even in the name of ‘love’ because that is not true love. Seeing that others are the same as us is the basis of true human love. We are all God’s creations. No one is better than any other. No one is more worthy than any other. God created us all and loves us all. Love, kindness and compassion flows out of that knowledge naturally if we have a right knowledge of our status before God.
- Fulfilling God’s mandate to us: subdue and fill the earth. Our jobs are work and relationships. Ever noticed that most of the time, we try to control things that are not ours to control, and try to skip out of work and relationships? It’s another symptom of trying to be God. If we see God as God, we’ll let him control those things and instead concentrate on doing our work and relationships with joy.
The joy of knowing that God reached down to me, through Jesus’ death on the cross, to make me good enough, and to forgive me completely – that’s real joy.
Responsibility and Influence III
I started this answer by saying that I prefer the words 'joy and overflow' to 'responsibility and influence', for the reasons below.
What is our main joy – and our responsibility - as human beings? It is to see and love the difference between us and God.
It comes from Jesus’ words to ‘love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your strength.
Why is this joyful? Because God is so incredible.
He is huge and tiny. He made the Himalayan mountains – breathtaking in their size - where I went to boarding school, he designed the world down to the smallest particle – an atom.
He is creative, colourful, clever. He thought of literature, poetry, stories, music, rhythm and harmony.
He is ultimately stable and the same, and he is ultimately changing and variable. He created species, systems and ecosystems. Nothing exists without him.
And if this all were not enough, God is completely good. And he is absolutely loving. And he is ultimately wise.
So it is an amazing joy for us to love God, when we really see him for who he is.
When Jesus was asked what was the ‘greatest commandment’, it might almost be better put as the ‘greatest privilege’. It is an utter privilege to love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your strength. It is a joy to honour God as God.
Out of that joy comes responsibility to love God, because it ought to be done. But because it is a joy, it is not a responsibility – at least not a responsibility that is onerous, choresome, a drag.
It is a responsibility that we can be jumping into with all that we are. God is God! Wow!
What is our main joy – and our responsibility - as human beings? It is to see and love the difference between us and God.
It comes from Jesus’ words to ‘love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your strength.
Why is this joyful? Because God is so incredible.
He is huge and tiny. He made the Himalayan mountains – breathtaking in their size - where I went to boarding school, he designed the world down to the smallest particle – an atom.
He is creative, colourful, clever. He thought of literature, poetry, stories, music, rhythm and harmony.
He is ultimately stable and the same, and he is ultimately changing and variable. He created species, systems and ecosystems. Nothing exists without him.
And if this all were not enough, God is completely good. And he is absolutely loving. And he is ultimately wise.
So it is an amazing joy for us to love God, when we really see him for who he is.
When Jesus was asked what was the ‘greatest commandment’, it might almost be better put as the ‘greatest privilege’. It is an utter privilege to love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your strength. It is a joy to honour God as God.
Out of that joy comes responsibility to love God, because it ought to be done. But because it is a joy, it is not a responsibility – at least not a responsibility that is onerous, choresome, a drag.
It is a responsibility that we can be jumping into with all that we are. God is God! Wow!
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