Jane is great

One of my favourite Jane Austen passages from Mansfield Park, culminating in the gorgeously ignorant sentence at the end:

...her cousins found her ignorant of many things with which they had long been familiar, they thought her prodigiously stupid and for the first two or three weeks were continually bringing some fresh report of it into the drawing room.

"Dear Mamma, only think, my cousin cannot put the map or Europe togheter - or tell the principal rivers in Russia - she never heard of Asia minor - she does not know the difference between watercolours and crayons..."

[Mrs Norris then said] "...remember, that if you are ever so forward and clever yourselves, you should always be modest, for much as you know already, there is a great deal more for you to learn."

"Yes, I know there is, until I am seventeen."

Our new rug...

.... was christened with vomit only three weeks after we brought it home.

Why does this happen?

Miracles

I've been reading through Mark and came to the account of the Syrian Greek woman who brought her demon-possessed daughter to Jesus to heal. And after some exchange, he heals her. Just like he heals every other person who comes to him for physical help.

It alternately excites and depresses me that those people got the help they desperately wanted for their loved ones. Because it doesn't seem that Jesus heals so completely and expectedly today.

I would so love to be able to take my boy to Jesus and touch the hem of his coat.

Wisdom from the young

After a short but fierce interchange between myself and my husband this morning, I was chastised gently by our daughter.

"No offence Mum, but when grownups get married and argue, they always manage to break their wedding promises."

"We didn't promise not to argue, sweetie," I said.

"Well, I've heard the word 'comfort' for each other. You're supposed to comfort each other and arguing is not comforting."

I was moved to silence and went to apologise to my husband.

Kneading bread...

...can bring back RSI.

Today...

~ Do something fun
~ Do something challenging
~ Try something new
~ Do something physical
~ Do something spiritual
~ Do something kind
~ Do something that satisfies
~ Have a rest and refresh
~ Ask God for help and joy


I have this printed out and posted on my kitchen cupboard door so that I'll see it and remember that life is a gift!

Day Two of the Great Bedtime Shakedown

Our boys have been staying up up up in recent months. Bedtime has become chaotic and unfun - at least for the grownups in this house.

So I'm on a crusade to get everyone to sleep earlier, in secure, warm and loving circumstances.

Night One: It took the baby 45 minutes to get to sleep next to me in the darker than usual room with the door shut. It took the older boy 1 hr and 45!!! I was extremely patient and committed!

Night Two: Baby was a nightmare. (But he had had a day nap). But this time the older boy only took 50 minutes to get to sleep. His eyes closed about 8.45 - approximately two hours earlier than he has been dozing off in recent months.

We'll see what happens tomorrow!

Hmmm

Does the fact that I posted three entries yesterday make up for the fact that I have absolutely nothing to say today? I'm halfway through the blog a day in the month of May challenge. It's getting harder.

This is a brilliant cookbook! I bought it today and have been looking through at recipes like:-

-chocolate pudding with avocado in it

-muffins with pumpkin and cauliflower

-brownies with spinach!!! in them.

Jessica (yes, married to Jerry) has been learning to hide veggies in food for her fussy eaters for years, and shares her successes in this book. It's exactly what I've been looking for. None of my children eat anything healthy by choice. I'm looking forward to trying it all out.

Why haven't I written anything deep or spiritual lately?

I don't know. Maybe because I can't type much. Maybe because I feel a little dry. Maybe because I wish I was thinking more. Hopefully it will come back...

Movie meme

1. One movie that made you laugh
Strictly Ballroom

2. One movie that made you cry
Dead Poets Society

3. One movie you loved when you were a child
Superman

4. One movie you’ve seen more than once
The Devil Wears Prada.

5. One movie you loved, but were embarrassed to admit it
Bring it On (a cheerleading flick). Oh, and all its sequels.

6. One movie you hated.
Arnie in Total Recall

7. One movie that scared you
Battlestar Galactica - when I was six. I saw it on a plane and had bad dreams for months.

8. One movie that bored you
Lord of the Rings. And all its sequels.

9. One movie that made you happy
Hairspray

10. One movie that made you miserable
Last King of Scotland

11. One movie you weren’t brave enough to see
Passion of the Christ

12. One movie character you’ve fallen in love with.
Daniel Day Lewis in the one about the IRA - he was in prison and the soundtrack had a song by Sinead O'Connor. And Ethan Hawke in Dead Poets Society.

13. The last movie you saw
Ferris Bueller's Day Off

14. The next movie you hope to see
Enchanted

15. Now tag five people.
Oh, hey, I don't know. If you read this and you'd like to have a go, copy and paste it and put your own answers in.

Fun things

I got the sewing machine out yesterday and made a couple of dolls outfits to my daughter's specifications.

Plus, a great friend visited today all the way from Castle Hill.

As well as that, my mummy is home from her overseas trip. I really missed her!

Skates are cool

The kids got roller skates a few weeks back, and there's nothing like doing it with Mum to make it more fun at this age, so I decided to get myself some from ebay too. I was a bit of a roller-queen once upon a time, and have discovered it's a little bit like riding a bike. A few wobbles and then you're right. Here's hoping I don't fall and break my arm...

Today...

...things are tough. Sick kids, no church, autistic son, weight gain. I'm not a happy girl. Thankful? I guess i can be pleased the central heating and the DVD work.

I'm a bit like this

...but my favourite show is Big Love. New season just began on SBS - Saturdays at 8.30.

Too much appreciation...

...can be cheesy. On Day 10 of my month-long blogging adventure, let me post what may be a controversial quote from Penelope Leach.

'When a big kid hits a little kid on the playground, we call him a bully; five years later he punches a woman for her wallet and is called a mugger; later still, when he slugs a fellow worker who insults him, he is called a troublemaker, but when he becomes a father and hits his tiresome, disobedient or disrespectful child, we call him a disciplinarian. Why is this rung on a ladder of interpersonal violence regarded so differently from the rest?'

Editors...

... are wonderful people, especially when they read your manuscript and want you to come in and talk with them about it! I really really appreciate that!

Learning lots and lots

I'm appreciating a lot of wisdom on gentle parenting - it's also called mindful or respectful parenting. Check these sites out:

http://www.naturalchild.com/
http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/changing%20parenting/tenwaysjanhunt.html

Can't go past...

... a second hand clothes shop. Today's haul included a $2 jumper for the baby, two $4 shirts (one Sportscraft) and an $8 pair of groovy black heels for myself.

I appreciate all you people out there who buy and then discard perfectly good clothes. And the volunteers who sort and price them for me to buy.

I appreciate...

... my 8 year old daughter -- sensitive, sweet and very funny

... my 4 year old boy -- beautiful to look at, with a great sense of humour

... my 2 year old boy -- who can't quite believe he's not 20 and a completely competent, powerful adult. Too bad he can't reach the biscuits!

on a rotten day...

... I appreciate being able to phone older, wiser friends, have a whinge, and then have them pray for me. Result? God answered with extra peace and energy to have a positive evening with the children.

On a Sunday...

... I appreciate modern technology which allows me to 'be in' church via video link while at the same time staying with my son who won't enter the sanctuary.

As well as...

... my two brothers, one who faces obstacles with peaceful equanimity and just keeps going, the other who goes out of his way to find obstacles, whereupon he leaps them in a single, energetic bound and manages to translate compassion into action along the way.

And my sister-in-law, who combines bravery with honesty and a fine blogging sense of humour.

Appreciating...

... Mum and Dad, whom I love very much.

Mum, with her continuing demonstration of loyalty, perserverance and stickability. Dad, who both dreams big dreams and has the ability to inspire others to live 'large lives' in many ways.

May - the month of appreciation

Having been challenged by Jess to write every day for a month, I have decided to follow the theme of thankfulness and appreciation. Today, I am grateful for...

...a day off, bubble bath and my new favourite drink - white tea.

Can't stop...

This really is me right now.

(My tendonitis-afflicted forearms are getting better. But I still shouldn't be typing. So no entry sorry!)

Ouch

It's too embarrassing to say I have a knitting injury, so the physiotherapist says I can call it an 'overuse injury'. Basically I have tennis elbow (even though I haven't picked up a tennis racket in years) and it's extremely painful.

So I'm taking a little break from my blog, as I've been told to be careful to not aggravate the tendons in my poor, sore arm. Typing, mouse movements and general computer work are all bad for it.

Anyone like to finish a child's earflap beanie for me? I can't bear to see it sit there only half-knitted over winter.

Bob the builder

His name's not Bob, but my dad is pretty clever at making stuff. He and mum came to visit today, with Pop and my big brother. Dad's only condition on coming was that "I have to do a job for you."

I suggested he make a small clothes rack for the children's dress-up clothes on. It took an hour and a half, with an extra trip back to the hardware shop because of a faulty tool, and this was the amazing result!

Thanks Dad!

(As usual, Mum cleaned the kitchen, Pop bought the lunch, and my brother was a generally useful body. Thank you!)

Today...

... could be the first day of our new homeschooling venture.

My daughter came home from the end of Term 1 with big plans. "I've got to catch up on my library book reading Mum."

We've got some fun things lined up for the holidays, including a snake show and a glow worm walk, plus a few horse riding sessions and seeing some friends.

When school goes back, she's officially having two weeks 'holiday'. If she's miserable and hates being home and wants to be back at school after that time, I'm pretty sure we'll work it out (she's very expressive and has no qualms telling us what she's thinking) and she can go back to school. If she's still happy, we'll officially unenrol her for a term and see how we all feel by the end.

I'm excited. And this book I ordered on the subject arrived on the doorstep today - good timing!

Spiritual steps forward... and back

I read a moving and thought-provoking article (link here) on spiritual transformation the other day. It included excerpts from a four hour conversation between Larry Crabb, Dallas Willard and a guy I've never heard of called John Ortberg , all about how true transformation and change deep in our character - heart - soul - whatever comes about in the Christian life.

Their insights were fantastic and I felt so spiritual after reading it, and keen to put a lot of things into practice. I was quite convicted of a lot of selfishness, anger and judgmentalism as well, and was very ready for God to change me.

Too bad then, that I managed to lose it and be completely grumpy with everyone around me for the next half day.

Unfortunately I wasn't very surprised. This is all part of a regular pattern. Whenever I've been interested in real change and growth and have taken steps to pursue it, I've been appalled at just how horrible I end up being later on.

Is it a case of 'for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction' and I'm still trying to change in my own strength? Or is it just the inevitable challenge from the other side?

I wonder if this is the case for most Christians? We read, get inspired, and then get deflated because we end up being even more hopeless than we thought we were. It's enough to make you think that real spiritual change here and now is a vain hope and we should just get on with being polite and reasonable to each other, and wait for heaven. It's easier to run another program at church than to put yourself out there and wait for God to do his internal work on your heart.

Trouble is, I'm just not satisfied with that answer. If Christianity is true and Paul was not exaggerating, I'm convinced that God wants us to be more and more 'conformed to his image', each day, in body, emotions, desires, hopes, dreams, language, actions.

I'm committed to pursuing this further and putting up with and confessing the rubbish that comes out of me in the meantime.

changing my mind

I have to revise my opinion of Three Dollars. (See two posts previous.) It has grown on me and I am really quite fond of the characters now. Apologies to the author for the denigrations! However, I still think it took a long time to get into it, and I'm still not sure how to get a handle on what it really is about.

I have to revise my knitting habits too. I've been knitting madly and now have RSI down my left arm when I do. Rats.

Life is messy - I'm trying to get over it

I subscribed to this nice little email service from 'the daily groove', dispensing free parenting advice (link below). According to this particular one, I'm becoming a 'crunchy' parent because I am learning to cope ok with the messy bits.


"In man's quest to conquer nature, our culture has developed an unhealthy aversion to the natural messiness of life.

Heaven forbid you should eat an apple that isn't nice and round and free of bug bites. Those get made into applesauce so we never have to see their messiness!

And if our high-tech, Star Trek fantasies were real, we could avoid the messiness of birth and simply "beam" babies out of the womb -- without a drop of blood in sight.

Even if you're a "crunchy" parent who's not afraid of nature's messiness, there may be other kinds of messes you abhor, like the messy ways children learn, explore, and process emotions. Or the messy way *you* grow through parenthood.

Today, whenever you feel bothered about anything, ask yourself, "What 'messiness' am I resisting?" Are you not allowing your *own* process to be messy?

Well, get over it! Life IS messy. :-)

Let life's messes remind you how good it is to be ALIVE!"

www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove

Books I'm reading right now

Renovation of the heart in Daily Practice
Dallas Willard & Jan Johnson

It's gives a short devotional thought about the nature of the spiritual life and then provides some 'experiments' you can choose to do that day. Today I read how 'loving' is different from 'acting loving'. I did one of their exercises and imagined Jesus doing the loving action of blessing the children. I imagined his face as he did it and the effect it had on those children. It was comforting and renewing.

Three Cups of Tea
Greg Mortenson and David Oliver

Tells the story of one man's passion and vision for building schools (and then vocational centres, infrastructure and clinics) in the remotest villages of Northern Pakistan. The descriptions of the mountainscape brings back the incredible scenery and grandeur we experienced on our family holidays and I have a few giggles at his accounts of the frustrations of getting things done in Pakistan. A worthy story though, especially if you're interested in the area. Greg Mortenson was an MK from Tanzania. I wouldn't call him Christian now, but it's interesting discussion material about his approach to Islam, and the evangelism potential of what he's doing.

Three Dollars
Elliot Perlman

Don't like this. It's a novel, but I'm not quite sure what it's supposed to be about (apart from one man's fleeting glimpses of his childhood love 'Amanda' throughout his life.) It has won lots of awards, but it doesn't grab me. I'm reading it for Book Club, and perhaps am finding a small amount of rebellion coming out of me because of my obligation to it. The words I would use to describe it are: pretentious, convoluted, self-indulgent.

Pegs

Are you a peg on or peg off kind of person? Do you keep your pegs in a neat basket or apron and take them off the line when you bring the laundry, or do your pegs go straight back on? Which is easier?

I vary between the two. Right now I'm going through a 'peg on' stage. But one day I'll probably think it will be easier to keep them in my peg apron.

My nanna was a peg on person, but her daughters are definitely pegs off. Which are you?

And isn't 'peg' a stupid word once you start to repeat it frequently.

Escape!

Mum lent me an incredible book the other day. It's the true story of a woman who was brought up in the polygamous cult and Mormon offshoot, the FLDS.


At 18 she asked her father nervously if she could go to college to become a paediatrician. Two days later she found herself married to a 54 year old man as his fourth wife. Her father had asked the 'prophet' of the group for permission, and he had said, yes, she could go to college, but to be a teacher, and she should be married before she went, and here's the name of her husband.


Her life was horrendous. Squabbling women and children, an abusive and power-hungry husband, a lack of money, emotional manipulation and physical abuse, eight pregnancies, three of them life-threatening and a son with a tumour.


Through it all, she was blamed for whatever went wrong. When they didn't have enough money for food, but her husband and his favourite wife were eating steak every night, her husband said, "You should be happy with what I give you. You are in rebellion to me." When she was stalked by a criminal with homicidal tendencies employed by her husband, he said, "You shouldn't encourage him. You are in rebellion to your priesthood head by your actions." When her son was deathly ill and her husband wouldn't allow him to go to hospital, she had to get her parents to help her 'illegally' to call an ambulance, and was then blamed for the whole thing. "If you were perfectly obedient to me, God wouldn't have cursed you with a sick son. It's all your fault."


Life got worse and worse until she took a huge chance and made a bid for freedom. She won custody of her children through the outside court system and is now living a relatively 'normal' life!


I'm particularly interested in the story because I've been so intrigued by the TV show Big Love, which is based in the same cult. Now I've got a lot of background information and more insight into the show.


Scary stuff, when women have no power and are completely dependent on a male patriarchal system for everything. And when it's preached as God's will... even worse!

Exasperate

There are times I get exasperated. They are mostly when I want to do something but I just can't. Someone might be bugging me and getting in my way, or I have run up against a blockage of some sort.

The most exasperating sort of blockage is where I am trying to talk to someone but they are not listening, or they are 'listening' which means letting me talk, but then not taking me seriously and not doing anything differently.

I looked up the ever-trusty google for a definition of exasperate and found this: To trouble the nerves or peace of mind of, especially by repeated vexations.

The thesaurus threw some extra words into the mix: aggravate, annoy, bother, bug, chafe, disturb, fret, gall, irk, irritate, nettle, peeve, provoke, put out, rile, ruffle, vex.

And don't forget the idioms: get in one's hair, get on one's nerves, get under one's skin.

I bring this up because I have been thinking a great deal about this verse:

Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

I have never heard a talk on this, and have never seen it addressed in the many parenting books I have read in my time.

We are not to exasperate our children. That means we don't bug, needle, annoy, irritate them. We don't get in their way, we don't put them out, we don't rile them.

I think I may have read this verse like this in the past: Fathers, don't exasperate your children, from your point of view.

But it doesn't say that. If someone is exasperated, they are exasperated. If we think their exasperation doesn't matter so much because they are children and their priorities don't count as much as adult priorities, we need to re-read this verse.

Ways children might get exasperated: not being really listened to - and not just words but in what's behind their words, not being taken seriously, having their wants dismissed, being teased without end, not being given enough time to get used to a change of activity or plan, being laughed at, being roughly treated.

It means I have to be more present, physically and emotionally, with my children, reading their signals and hearing their language, and showing through my life and my words, the love and patience of Christ for them.

Surprise package

I gave the children's talk at the Good Friday service, complete with silly facial expressions, overacting and needless dramatics. Afterwards, an older lady that I don't know very well came up to me.

"You're the surprise package of the year," she said. "I just thought you were this quiet little thing - a typical minister's wife type, but it turns out you've got a bit of personality."

That's the first time I've ever been called a typical minister's wife! Hee hee.

Welcoming Seminar

Someone asked me for my notes about the welcoming seminars I ran at church last week. The first 10 minutes was introducing two concepts - the idea of having a 'people filter' in our heads, and the four spaces of relationships (search on friendship in the topics on this blog to find out more about these).

'The People Filter'
Sometimes I go out by myself to a meeting or a function while my husband stays home with our children. When I get home, his first question is often: “Who was there?” Sometimes my answer is: “Oh, no-one really.”

Why do I say this?

What I mean is, no-one was there who was relevant or interesting to me. I’m very good at dismissing most of the world’s population because they didn’t make it through my people filter.

When we talk about welcoming others, the first thing we need to admit to ourselves is that we have a ‘people filter’.

It’s hard to admit that most of the time it’s switched on for the people relevant to us, and OFF for the people who are newcomers or strangers or different.

Brainstorming together
We did this for 20 minutes or so, writing down our answers on the board.

Us
Do we really want our church to grow?
What are the risks we take?
What do we lose?
What do we gain?
Why do we welcome? (versus why should we welcome?)

Them
Who are they?
Why do they come?
What do they want?
What do they expect?

Me
How well do I know myself?
What am I scared of?
What am I capable of?
How do I come across?
What do I fear?
What do I lose? What do I gain?
Why do I welcome?

God
What is his character?
What can he give us?

More Brainstorming
We then went on to identify problems that we faced when talking to new people or making ourselves known. After that we worked on some solutions for each problem. One very interesting that come up a lot was that some people were less interested in the problems they faced, and more interested in problems that other people have, or the building or circumstances present. I had to work hard to keep the focus on us and what we can do.

Updates

I've been...

Busy with...
two seminars and a talk last week, plus a whole lot of desktop publishing for church stuff. All fun.

Enjoying...
the new pilates class I've started. A teacher who can do it and teach it!

Thinking about...
children, respect, saying 'yes', mindful parenting, home schooling.

Wishing...
the baby would continue his lovely long nap time. Unfortunately he's giving it up!

Getting...
a haircut, thanks Sarah.

Forgetting...
to wax my legs. And it's been so hot...

Regretting...
that I only managed to eat well for a week before a block of chocolate was my undoing.

Waiting...
for a publisher to get back to me.

Winning...
can you believe it... I won a bubble jet printer from a free competition I entered.

Gone AWOL

Sorry about the long break, dear gentle readers. When we returned from our trip to Sydney, the internet was down. It took many many phone calls to India to get the problem fixed and in the end we were so frustrated that we switched providers. Finally we're online again!

I read the most incredible book in the last couple of weeks. Of course I've returned it to the library now, so can't be accurate about title or author - I think it's A Life in Pieces by Dr Richard Baer.

It told the true story of a woman who had been so cruelly abused as a child by her sadistic parents that she had developed multiple personalities to cope with the trauma.

Karen developed no less than 17 different personalities, starting from when she was a baby. Each of them served a different function - some were parent figures who kept her organised and did things like driving, typing and making appointments. Others were little children, some of whom were angry and acted up because they were the ones who had to carry all of the pain. These personalities incited Karen to self-harm and made her suicidal. One personality carried all the depression, while another only enjoyed herself and knew nothing about sadness or abuse.

Karen ended up with Dr Baer, a psychiatrist, who worked out what her problem was - Multiple Personality Disorder - but who had no idea how to find a cure! The signs were obvious to him. Karen would 'lose time' and have no idea how she got somewhere, or have few and fragmented memories of her past - even of parts of the previous day. She cut herself but couldn't remember doing it. She ended up buying things that she couldn't remember. She had even woken up after a caesarean section with no clue as to who she was or why she had a baby.

The parent personalities had decided it was time for Karen to get some help once the system started to fall down and the personalities couldn't keep their memories and their feelings to themselves. They started to merge and Karen would get flashbacks and memories that she just couldn't handle. They organised for her to get to the psychiatrist and then began him writing letters during the times they were 'out' as Karen to explain things further.

Dr Baer had some experience with hypnosis and was able to talk to the different personalities while Karen was hypnotized during regular sessions.

In the end the father personality came up with the idea to merge the personalities and worked out how to do it. Dr Baer followed his lead, and the patient effectively cured herself with his encouragement and help. It took several years for all this to happen, and then she spent more time in therapy working out her life as a 'single' person, not a multiple.

Honestly, if the book had been fiction, it would have been completely unbelievable. I was amazed by Karen's story. It just didn't seem possible, but it was incredible to see how the human soul can help itself to survive terrible situations.

Going away

No posts for four days or so. We're off to Sydney for Bright Eyes' assessment week. Should be fun! I get to drive over the harbour bridge by myself tomorrow morning with three kids in the back. eeeek.

I want a different nose and other stuff

I've got the worst hayfever and I've had it for months. I'm allergic to dustmites and I think they have taken over the house. Even washing the carpets and the curtains hasn't improved things. Help!

Big Love is on SBS again. This is a must-see drama involving a polygamous Mormon family in Utah. The dilemmas of multi-wife families is an eye-opener!

Am learning to sketch. I've always wanted to draw and been crummy at it, but now is the time. Library books and practice are helping.

Knitting barbie clothes is fun and achievable.

My youngest child is obsessed with being naked.

Thanks...

...to Mum, Dad and Pop who came down to our place yesterday and worked like well, workaholic self-motivated small businesspeople in order to help us mow and edge the large lawn and clean up the garage and the kitchen. The fridge is clean, the boxes are gone and we all had a lovely day together.

Two cool

Two cool things happened today.

1. With great trepidation I rang a publisher about the friendship book manuscript. I was worried that I'd sound like a crazy woman because sometimes I stumble and forget my words when I speak on the phone. However, I sounded relatively coherent, and the editor was warm, encouraging and best of all, interested! I'm sending her a synopsis and a sample chapter. Here's hoping!

2. I visited the local homeschooling get-together and it was great. Loads of children everywhere playing together beautifully and creatively. (The parents were also pretty nice.) There were teenagers learning to make baklava and in their turn teaching younger ones. There was a gorgeous group of eight year old girls who came straight up to my daughter, smiled and offered to play with her. I don't think I've seen such friendly and mature children since my days amongst Missionary Kids in Pakistan. It added fuel to the fire and I have filled out an application to homeschool my daughter. Not posted yet though...

Discombobulated

Yesterday's post about all the thinking and changing I've been doing is all very well. It's been occupying my mind extensively for a long time.

But then I sat down to read 'Gogo Mama' a book about the lives of 12 African women by Sally Sara, the ABC Africa correspondent.

The first woman was mutilated with her lips cut off by the Lord's Resistance Army in Uganda. They also killed her daughter and murdered her husband. Her family work their fields during the day and sleep anywhere they can find to hide at night, just in case they get attacked again by the rebels. Children are at constant risk of being abducted and forced into becoming child soldiers. Men can be murdered. Woman are raped and mutilated.

The second woman, a traditional Pygmy lives with her family in the path of a live volcano in DR Congo, because she and her tribe were forced out of their traditional land in the forest. Being abjectly poor and the lowest of the low, they had no other option but to till the land no-one else wanted. The volcano has erupted twice in the last 30 years. Each time they had 15 minutes to get to safety up a hill, and watch all their possessions and their crops be crushed and sizzled by molten lava.

The other stories include a woman who survived the Rwandan genocide, one who walked her children across Sudan to a refugee camp, through starvation and terror, one who is fighting female genital mutilation and one who didn't want to get married. As she wouldn't cooperate, her family arranged for her to be abducted and raped by the prospective bridegroom.

I read this stuff and it shakes my life around. Are we all living in the same universe? Why is my biggest problem autism, where another woman's is rape, or anguish, or constant anxiety from fear of attack a baby who died of untreated dehydration?

Discombobulated apparently means shook all out of whack. That's how I feel some days.

Change

In the last two years, but especially in the last two months, I have undergone some huge changes in my thinking about parenting and education.

I have come from being a person who had strict rules and incredibly high standards to being a person who will never again use a smack or a 'naughty spot' and who doesn't really care if the kids don't get bathed this evening. I have come from rolling my eyes whenever I heard about homeschooling, to feeling incredibly enthusiastic about it and wishing I was doing it right now... for everyone.

It began because of Bright Eyes, our son's autism and the therapy we chose for him - Relationship Development Intervention. In the end, it has been more a therapy for us than for him.

We had to get to a point where we accepted what we had done with Bright Eyes so far had not worked, and was not going to work. I’m talking about the regular parenting things like naughty spots and reasoning and explanations and smacking and time outs and all the regular 'discipline' things we had done with our daughter.

We had to completely change our tack with him. We also had to look at our attitudes of how we perceived our children, what we expected from them and why, and what our basic presumptions were.

I realised that I came from a point of view where even though I loved them, I saw the children as unimportant, impositions and also a source of pride and status. What they did reflected on me. If I could make them behave, I looked better and got more kudos as a ‘good parent’.

I also wanted them to go away and leave me alone when I was doing most things because they took up time and energy and nothing was as efficient. I also saw them as naughty and gave them consequences accordingly.

So back to Bright Eyes, whose behaviour at the age of three was completely appalling. He threw six to eight major tantrums a day, never listened, yelled and screamed and was impossible to manage with my regular control techniques.

I needed other ways to deal with him, so I started reading.

One important book was ‘The Explosive Child’ which taught me to relax and realise that there are many things that just don’t matter. It also taught me that punishments and time outs put up power struggles. It is far better to see the child as a partner in solving the problem.

RDI taught us to take a far more interactive approach with all the children. We command less, and invite more. We do more things together, we slow down, we get rid of things we don’t need and that cause stress. We enjoy our company together and choose less pressurised lives. We don’t worry so much about things that make us appear good and acceptable - like having pyjamas for example (Bright Eyes sleeps in his clothes). We seek alternative solutions to difficulties that come up. Most of them can simply be solved by taking more time and not making everyone go on my schedule, which I have to admit is fairly pressurised.

I started to use the different things I had learned from RDI and the other books with my daughter too. I had always found her to be clingy, needy and able to throw absolutely enormous tantrums. Seeing her as a partner in problem solving our difficulties, and giving hugs instead of time outs was actually far more effective in really solving the problems. She has become less needy and much happier (and has consequently made me happier).

However, I was still not really getting it. All last year I was incredibly depressed and swore all the time in my head. I cried and cried every week because my son was so very difficult. RDI, slowing down and doing all this stuff so very difficult. It didn’t feel right to me, and it didn’t feel like I was useful or fulfilling my potential.

At the same time, I was so worried about Bright Eyes going to school in a year’s time. I just couldn’t see that he would cope at all, and I didn’t see that teaching him to sit in a classroom and stand in line would help him in his life when his problems are more complex than that.

Lots of people who do RDI also seem to homeschool their kids, but the thought filled me with utter dread. I thought I’d better look into it though, as I would seriously do anything possible to help my little boy, so I asked a lady I know if I could read some of her books about homeschooling.

She brought a whole stack around and I went through them and had a mini-conversion experience.

The reading I did changed my whole attitude towards all the children. I can’t exactly say what it was that changed me. Perhaps the idea that learning will happen, even if I just relax and don’t feel all the stress of having to do something.

But I did have an incredible change. The swearing went away. I have more energy. I have miles more patience. I have been enjoying them so much. We went through the summer holidays just having fun and being together and enjoying each other. At the same time I could see my daughter ‘learning’ all through the holidays in the ways the books talked about.

I thought, “It could be like this all the time. There’s no decree from heaven that says you have to go to school. There’s no moral rule of the universe that says going to school is the way you must learn."

Having the idea that Bright Eyes didn't have to be 'ready' for school has also helped me relax with him and let him improve at his own pace. He will be ok if I allow him room to process everything and move ahead as he is ready.

I then started to think through the ideas of: rewarding and punishing, grades, learning what you want to learn, learning in fits and starts rather than with steady progress... all sorts of things.

I have started to relax much much more with all the children. I feel a little bit like a weirdo hippie, and I'm a bit nervous because the way I've done things has been changed, but I have had such an attitude shift towards real joy and better relationships with the children, and also with my husband that I just don’t think I believe in compulsory traditional schooling anymore.

I am of course in the first flushes of a new idea, and I rarely do things by halves, so I am enthusiastic – most likely annoyingly so. I am just so pleased to be at peace, happy and enjoying the children, and seeing good results from what I’ve been trying out.

5,000

I've just noticed that I'm about to get my 5,000th hit on this blog. Cool. If it's you, please leave a message to let me know!

For heavens sake just let the kid read it

Parent-teacher information night last night. I came home more than a little frustrated.

The school is introducing a new reading program to help extend children who can now read fairly independently. This is good. They have bought a whole lot of readers from Scholastic. This is good too. The books look fresh and attractive. I would have liked to have read a few of them myself. This is also good.

However, this is how the program works.

The kid does an online test on the computer to see 'what level' they read at. Then they are able to borrow a book 'at their level'. Once they've read it, they can get a new one if they pass another online comprehension test about it.

"It's to see that they can understand what they are reading," explained the teacher.

My question: "Surely if they are reading it keenly and getting through it and want the next book, they shouldn't need to do a test?"

The teacher: "Oh, you'd be surprised to see what a lot of children read without actually comprehending. (Holds up a fantastic looking book) Take this book, for example. This is the holy grail of reading for some of these kids because it's big, it's shiny and it's impressive to look at. But I want to make sure the child is at the right level before they are allowed to read it."

Another parent piped up loudly. "Yes, a case in point is my daughter. She came home from the library where they had free choice (splutters in indignation) with the Green Gables trilogy. I mean, it was three inches wide and I knew she was never going to get through it. I said to her, "Is this yours?" and she said, "Yes, isn't it a great book?" and I said, "How long are you allowed to borrow for?" and she said "two weeks" and I said, "There's no way you'll ever get through that!"

Please.

Let the kid read the book. Does it matter that they don't 'comprehend' every single thing? I read the entire Narnia series except for two, and books about Nazi concentration camps when I was eight. I didn't understand everything in them, but I understood enough to make them interesting and meaningful for me at the time. As I went on to re-read things in later years, I understood more.

If a book is 'the holy grail' of reading for a third class child, for heavens sake, let the child read the book. If my daughter brought home the Green Gables Trilogy and only had two weeks to read it, I'd buy her her own copy if she didn't get through it in time. I might even take some time to read it with her at night.

Testing, levels, comprehension.... piffle.

Forgetful

Um, yes.

(A link to the Cecily site here.)

Bible time

I'm trying to read the Bible more. Sometimes it feels like the words are bouncing off my eyes and back out into the stratosphere, so I'm taking a leaf out of my RDI work and slowing it down. (Amazing how well that strategy works for most things.)

My latest idea is to find out the sermon text for the upcoming week and read the passage every day. If I can get one small thing out of it each time, I'll have gained four or five insights myself and hopefully more through the Sunday talk.

So.... today's reading is Romans 1:7-18 or thereabouts...

Romans 1:11-12 I long to see you so that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to make you strong, that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith.

A spiritual gift that will make them strong is really nothing more complex than being encouraged by Paul's faith. He will also be made strong by being encouraged by their faith!

So, being together is important for strength. But that is not enough. Togetherness must be accompanied by mutually encouraging each other through our faith.

I wonder how intentional I have been about encouraging others with my faith. How could I do it more? And how can I be connected well enough with others to take encouragement from their faith?

Positions vacant

A friend working overseas in a country which will not be named, but which is in northern eastern Europe, is looking for the right person* to start up an English school.

Here's the ad they're sending out:

Future work/ministry position available – English school manager.

Background – Over the last two years we have been seriously considering the possibility of establishing an English school in our city. An English school will provide opportunities for foreigners to serve in our city. Future employees could opt for either a long or short term period of service. A school would be a useful tool in building relationships and a great witness to locals if we run it well. Furthermore, it could be a stable source of income for believers who often struggle to find good work. Ultimately, we see the school as an excellent support structure for the exciting things going on over here.

There is one crucial element for all this to go ahead, and that is to find a “product champion” (ie. Business/school manager), to lead the school from 2011 on.

This position would be ideally suited to those with small business experience and those with a willingness to train and encourage a small team. We need a foreigner in order to see the project thrive in its formative years.

If we are to start the groundwork for the project now we need to hear from interested applicants before July 2008. (Yes, this is a long lead-in time, but this is the time one would need in order to do language and culture training).

We would be most appreciative if you could pass this on to anybody you think might be suited and interested for this opportunity.


*Mark Wilson - this is you...

Help

What am I going to call my book? I've never been very good at catchy titles. As I'm getting through the chapter drafts I need to give the thing a working title so I can start trying to sell it.

It's about: understanding how relationships work, being better at relationships, how to make friends, how to feel like you 'belong' more, how to do a better job of moving around, or of welcoming others in, the pitfalls and the practicalities of relating to people.

The book is pitched to 16-30 year olds, so it needs to resonate somehow.

Any suggestions?

Quirks

I've been tagged and am required to admit six quirky things about myself.

The rules of the meme:
1. Link to the person that tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4. Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
5. Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.

Here goes.

One: I had my nose pierced when I was 18 and again when I was 32. The first time, I took it out because I thought I was going to be a lawyer, and thought it might hinder my career prospects. The second time I took it out because, having given up the pathetic lawyer dream I was in the middle of giving birth to my third child and had to go into surgery for an emergency caesarean. You have to remove all your jewellery, and I put it in my husband's pocket and never found it again.

Two: When I was 16 I said that I might possibly get married, but I would certainly never have children because it would interfere with my career. Ha. And now I've turned into a homeschooling freak...

Three: I had a dummy (pacifier) until I was six. Mothers out there, don't worry about your kids and their dummies! After all, I'm reasonably normal.
Four: Perhaps I gave up my dummy too soon because I constantly need to have something in my mouth and I still bite my nails.

Five: In summer I have such hot feet that I have to sleep with my feet over the edge of the bed.

Six: I am a very fussy sleeper. I must have: my own mattress, doona and two pillows. I must not have bare arms or pyjamas that climb up my legs. In cold weather I must not have a midriff 'gap'. In summer I must have a fan. I have to wear ear plugs (the kind they give you for heavy machinery) and I must have lip salve on my mouth. There must be no bright lights or background noise from TV or radio. There must be NO SNORING!

I tag:
Andrew
Fairlie
Sonia (who has a new baby so probably doesn't haven't time)
Kaylene
Sophie
Blaise

Oh, and I'm an aunty again

My brother and his wife are proud parents for a third time. Congratulations Peter and Sonia. For a picture of the baby girl (no name yet), check out their blog (link on the right.)

Last time they had a girl, they named her with a first name beginning with A and a second name beginning with Z. When my brother rang me up to tell me, I thought he was kidding and had just picked A and Z out of the baby name book for fun and was going to tell me the real name next. "Yeah right," said I. "What did you really call her?"

Degrees of separation

My husband and I attended a dinner for Anglican ministers and their spouses from our immediate region last night. Out of the 20 or so people who attended, I had at least 12 personal connections with:

• One lady who had been in a bible study with my grandmother for years.
• A couple who had originally come from the same church as my other grandmother and who had known me since I was tiny.
• A man who gave my dad a job about 15 years ago and met me before I was married.
• A woman who had been on a Moore College Mission to my dad's church in Gunnedah when I was in Year 12.
• A man who was in the same year at Bible college as my father.
• A woman who knows a girl with whom I went to school in Pakistan.
• Four people (at least) who had read the book I wrote.
• A couple who know my parents quite well and who are taking over a parish where my aunt and uncle used to work.
• One woman who asked me directly if I was related to said aunt (whom she knows), without knowing that we had any connection, just from my mannerisms.
• A couple whose daughter married the son of some friends of ours from Dapto.
• A man who I worked with a little at CMS.
• A couple who went to the same church as us over three years ago.
• There was only one person who I seemed to have no direct link with... but he was the son of one of the others!

Anglican circles are small.

Why isn't religion part of our education?

I was moved by a chapter entitled Absolute Absolution in John Taylor Gatto's book The Underground History of American Education. Here are a few choice bits and pieces.


"The problem of God has always been a central question of Western intellectual life; the flight from this heritage is best evidence that school is a project having little to do with education as the West defined it for thousands of years. It's difficult to imagine anyone who lacks an understanding of Western spirituality regarding themselves as educated. And yet, American schools have been forbidden to enter this arena even in a token way since 1947."

"[Christianity,] this unique moral chronicle led to an everyday behavioural code which worked so well that in a matter of centuries it became the dominant perspective and soon it made inroads into every belief system across the planet. But... competing codes viewed Christianity antagonistically because of its power to liberate ordinary people from the bondage of fear and envy... Superficially you might argue that the success of the West is the result of its guns being better, but really its that the story of hope we have to relate is superior to any other."

"According to Christianity, religion is not a sometimes thing when you need it but a medium in which we act out our lives. Nothing has any meaning without religion."

"Schooling is an instrument to disseminate [a] bleak and sterile vision of a blind-chance universe.... We teach children to scorn faith so comprehensively that buying things and feeling good becomes the point of their lives."

"The neglected genius of the West, neglected by the forced schooling institution as deliberate policy, resides in its historical collection of spiritual doctrines which grant dignity and responsibility to ordinary individuals, not elites. I have the greatest respect for every other religious tradition, but not one of them has ever done this or attempted to do this."

"The effect of [Christianity] on world history has been titanic. It has brought every citizen in the West a mandate to be sovereign... a purpose for being alive, independent of mass behavioural prescriptions, money, experts, schools and governments. It has conferred significance on every aspect of relationship and community... In Western spirituality, everyone counts. What constitutes a meaningful life is clearly spelled out: self-knowledge, duty, responsibility, acceptance of ageing and loss, preparation for death. It's time to teach these things to our children once again."

Things I'm...

...Feeling
Better and relaxed! I've worked out too much tea makes me feel ill and tired and lacking in energy. Rats. Tea is my favourite thing ever. I think it's the copper in it. So I'm avoiding avocadoes and mushrooms too. And, in theory, chocolate.

...Doing
having friends over for lunch and wanting to do it, and enjoying it! A by-product of feeling better above.

...Enjoying
my children. Oh they are gorgeous and I adore them.

...Persisting with
Daily therapy with Bright Eyes. I can see the results, so it's not as thankless as it seemed to be last year.

...Watching
We've enjoyed Evan Almighty, Amazing Grace and Hairspray on video. I still like survivor, even though I already know who the winner of this season is.

...Hearing
A gorgeous compliment from my daughter yesterday. "Mum, you're more fun now."

...Reading
The book of Mark. Plus stacks of subversive literature about homeschooling, including the most awe-inspiring chapter on religion and education by Gatto. Quotes in the post above.

...Thinking
Am I just a rebel? Since I was 14 I seem to have done and thought things that not too many people around me have done or thought... Am I just looking for the road less travelled out of principle? Is it a habit because I don't want to be ordinary or like other people? I hope not! I hope my motives are pure.

Little boy

This is my baby boy.

Toffee

Here's a yummy toffee recipe that's healthy and extremely digestible* too. Obviously, if you don't do nuts, it won't work...

1 cup honey
1 cup peanut or other nut butter
2 tbsp butter

Boil the honey in a pan gently for about 8 minutes. It will froth up and go a golden brown colour. Remove from heat and stir in the butter and nut butter. Pour into a flat pan lined with baking paper, or spoon into candy cups. Refrigerate until hard, but eat at room temperature. Before it goes rock hard, cut into pieces. It will be difficult to cut once it has set.

*Honey is apparently more digestible than sugar because it is a one-molecule carbohydrate and does not need to be broken down. In fact, every ingredient in the recipe is a single-molecule, unless you use peanut butter with additives in it.

Why I'm in favour of dating

Dating these days seems to mean 'sleeping together'.

Chrisitans object to this, with good reason, and many Christians have therefore thrown out dating altogether. In some extreme cases, young people will wait to have a relationship ‘arranged’ by trusted mentors.

I will take a little detour to explain the reason why I am actually in favour of dating (with some obvious limitations).

Marriage is unique amongst human relationships as being in general the only relationship which spans all four spaces - the public, social, personal and intimate spaces. (For more information on the four spaces, check the links on friendship on the side of this blog.)

In a good marriage, a man and a woman need to relate well in the public space together. It helps if they have similar backgrounds and similar life experiences.

In a good marriage, a man and a woman need to relate well in the social space. It helps if they enjoy going to the same places, and have the same expectations of social interactions. It even helps if they understand each other’s relating style.

In a good marriage, a man and a woman need to relate well in the personal space. It helps if they have the same friends, or at least like each other’s friends.

In a good marriage, a man and a woman need to relate well in the intimate space. It helps if they enjoy their sex life and appreciate each other’s bodies. It helps if they can be truly honest without getting mean or defensive. It helps if they understand how to express their love so that the other person feels loved as well.

If marriage is a relationship that spans all four spaces, surely a reasonable knowledge in each space, of the person you are considering marrying is helpful!

I think it's good for a couple to learn about each other in as many ways as possible before they marry, so I am in favour of couples going out together.

Back to school

My daughter goes back to school tomorrow and I don't want her to go!!! We've had such a wonderful time on holidays. I'm going to miss her so much... and so are her brothers!

How much time is enough?

How much time do you need to spend with your children?

Here's a great mathematical answer I found on a homeschooling website.

"When a baby is born, before he's a year old, spend 23 hours a day with him, or thinking about him, or sleeping with him, or carrying, or feeding him.

When he turns one, spend 22 hours a day with him (and gradually less). For two hours you might be in the shower or sleeping without knowing you're asleep.

Let that time slide at a steady pace until he's ten or eleven, and you're spending half of it, twelve hours, with him, on him, in his presence, doing things for or with him. Steadily slide that back until he's 20 and then one hour a day is plenty.

No cheating. If you aren't diligent in the early years, the 20 year old will be gone in a huff or might have slunk away sadly."

Playing catch up

I went to morning tea with a group of friends from an old church recently. The purpose of their gathering was to see me (which was nice) and I was really looking forward to it.

However, I discovered that if you really want to catch up with people, you should do it in smaller groups! There were seven of us in the room and I hardly got to ask them anything about their lives now. I was able to see how all their children had grown and exchange information about where we all were living now. For their part, they asked cursory questions of me, but that was about it.

It was nice, but a little disappointing.

Know-it-all

I think I'm turning into a patronising know-it-all snob. I'm not happy about it but it's really hard to stop doing it. (Perhaps I've always been this way?)

When people start talking about subjects I know a bit about or am enthusiastic about, I feel myself taking over and adding just a little extra bit of information here and there. I bluff over things I don't know and I can feel the ego creeping in.

At a birthday party the other day, my friend had made delicious meatballs with flaxseeds in them. I had seen the recipe already, so I knew what was in them.

"What are the seeds?" her sister asked her. And instead of waiting for my friend to answer, I chimed in "Flaxseeds. Great source of Omega 3 and 6. Very good for the brain. You can get LSA mix in the supermarket which is also really great."

Why? Why can't I just keep my mouth shut and wait to be asked? I just so don't want to be a know-it-all, but it is a temptation which I almost cannot bear.

I'm not sure that this blog is much good in stemming the tide of know-it-all-ism either. Here I've got a forum which is almost unchecked!

The root of it must be a desire to be better than others, which comes out of a lack of love for others and a feeling of inadequacy.

Does anyone else have this problem?

Noises.

Our dog snores.
And it drives me crazy.

Just like:
dripping taps
ticking clocks
people breathing
Richie Benaud's voice
fingernails on chalkboards
any noise that's small and regular and shouldn't be there

Bed

Actually, this is completely untrue. I just like an extra half hour in bed. My eyes are always completely shut, and I'm usually half way around the world in some odd but amusing dream situation.

Division

“You’ve got to have clear boundaries between work and home.”

That’s a piece of advice we received frequently while we were studying at Bible college. With husbands working largely from home, making the distinction between what was work time and what was family time appeared to be very difficult for many other couples we heard from.

I’m starting to think that this sharp divide between ‘home’ and ‘work’ may be a false distinction – or at least a mildly unhelpful one.

Other advice we received drew similar distinctions. “Get enough exercise, eat properly and have a weekly date with your wife so you can talk to each other.”

Up until now I think I have seen my life divided up into boxes: work vs family, children vs my time, housework vs fun, exercise and diet vs playing and eating, education vs holidays.

Reading about homeschooling has given me a new perspective though. It seems obvious now that I say it, but it wasn’t obvious before. It’s all just life! What we do, what we love, how we live, where we go… all of it is just part of living, with no distinctions made.

My husband loves reading books about spiritual growth in the evenings. I could say “that’s work” and make him put it down, but it inspires him and he is moved by it.

As he ‘works’ in the day, he comes in and out of the living areas of our house, talking to the children and to me. We often have some of our most important discussions during the day. It might be nice to go out for a ‘date’ but the purpose would not be to ‘talk’ to each other.

So am I saying that ‘workaholism’ is ok, as long as you’re passionate about what you’re doing? Well no. I think workaholics are escaping something else – perhaps relationships, perhaps pain from the past.

What I’m talking about is living holistically – seeing all of life as important and integrated, not focusing on some things to the unbalanced exclusion of others. Workaholics do not ‘live’ – they work. (Although, having just watched Amazing Grace.... was William Wilberforce a workaholic?... Why do the people who achieve most seem most unbalanced?...)

It seems to me that the only distinction the Bible makes is between the six days of normal life and the one day of Sabbath rest. Without trying to be legalistic, I am challenged to rest as God intends and find out what that means and how it feels.

For now, it’s exciting for me to see the barriers I had erected melt down before my eyes.

Education again...

“For generations we have tried to make the world a better place by providing more and more schooling but so far the endeavour has failed. What we have learned instead is that forcing all children to climb an open-ended ladder cannot enhance equality but must favour the individual who starts out earlier, healthier, or better prepared; that enforced instruction deadens for most people the will for independent learning; and that knowledge, treated as a commodity, delivered in packages and accepted as private property, once it is acquired, must always be scarce.”
– Ivan Illich, 1974


Human beings are by nature curious, active and exploratory. People learn in real-life situations by problem-solving and by interacting with their environment. Learning occurs in random and informal ways. It is motivated by the needs and interests of students, therefore education should not be forced to submit to an obligatory curriculum.
– John Glazebrook

Jesus takes us as we are

I’ve been reading the story of Jairus, the man who pleads with Jesus to come and heal his daughter. We’re not told if the little girl has been sick for a long time, or if her illness is a sudden thing, but I can imagine Jairus’ desperation at seeing her close to death.

A parent will do anything, try anything, spend anything and go anywhere to save their child. Jairus would have seen Jesus as his last hope. “If I can just get him to come, he might be able to save her,” I can imagine him thinking.

Jairus did not come to Jesus because he was interested in his teaching, or because he wanted to see what all the fuss was about, or because he’d heard of how he answered the Pharisees. He didn’t come because of the theology. He came because he thought Jesus could do something for him and he was absolutely desperate for the result.

In the middle of this, we meet another desperate person – a woman this time, who is suffering from a chronic illness with not only physical effects, but also emotional and spiritual and social effects. The bleeding makes her an outcast from society and from practising her religion because she is continually ritually unclean.

She has spent everything she has on doctors and cures, and has ‘suffered much’ because of them. She’s a woman with no future, and she’s desperate for a change.

She doesn’t even ask Jesus to help her. She sneaks around the back and takes what she can.

What is Jesus’ reaction to both of these desperate people? He does what they need and are desperate for. He treats both of them with respect. He takes them as they are.

What he doesn’t do is also notable. He doesn’t require them to know or understand anything more of him. The faith that they have is enough – at least for now.

Desperate people come to Jesus today for a whole lot of reasons. He takes us as we are.

Tagged...

Don't know what a meme is, nor how you tag someone, but it's happened to me, so I'll answer the questions below with some attempt at being amusing and interesting.

1. Were you named after anyone?
Great-grandfather Cecil and my father's first schoolboy crush. She was much older than he was and once took him sailing.

2. When was the last time you cried?
Last week. Honestly - why enumerate it? It happens so often.

3. Do you like your handwriting?
When it's legible.

4. What is your favourite lunch meat?
Ham.

5. Do you have kids?
Yes and I adore them.

6. If you were another person would you be friends with you?
If I answer one way I sound more arrogant than I am, if I answer another way I sound more pathetic than I am. Probably. I'm friends with most people.

7. Do you use sarcasm alot?
Far too much. Not everyone gets it.

8. Do you still have your tonsils?
Yes. What is the point of this question?

9. Would you bungee jump?
No way. It reminds me of a photograph I saw in my modern history textbook of Mussolini's body being hung upside down in the street and set upon by a mob after they killed him. Very icky.

10. What is your favourite cereal?
Homemade granola with lots of seeds, nuts and raisins.

11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
Rarely.

12. Do you think you are strong?
I'm an amazon. My muscles have developed because of having to carry my heavy boy babies and toddlers almost everywhere for various reasons.

13. What is your favourite icecream?
I try not to eat it, but a good quality vanilla is hard to go past.

14. What is the first thing you notice about people?
What they are wearing and if they look happy.

15. Red or pink?
I made lots of decisions about my life directions when I was about 14, one of which was never to wear red - because it is too strong and arrogant. Pink actually suits me anyway.

16. What is the thing that you like least about yourself?
Mildly obsessive personality and a couple of very annoying phobic type traits.

17. Who do you miss the most?
A friend I adored who I've now lost contact with. Also my great friend from uni - we don't talk often but it's great when we do. There are lots of people from my past I'd love to spend time with too - Deb and Eunice for example.

19. What colour pants and shoes are you wearing?
Grey sports shorts, no shoes. It's hot.

20. Have you ever re-gifted?
Regifting is my life. It may also be one of the reasons I lost touch with the aforementioned great friend.

21. What are you listening to right now?
TV detritus and the hum of the computer.

22. If you were a crayon what colour would you be?
Who can answer a question like that? Obviously not red.

23. Favourite smells?
Roast lamb, a surf beach, pine trees, chicken kurai.

24. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Big brother.

25. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
Yes. Obviously.

26. Favourite sports to watch?
Gymnastics and ice dancing. They say ballroom dancing is a sport as well, so I'll go there!

27. Hair colour?
Dark brown. It gets darker when I'm pregnant too.

28. Eye colour?Brown

29. Do you wear contacts?
No need. I have great vision.

30. Favourite food?
Fruit salad with no banana.

31. Scary movies or happy endings?
Scary movies make my body tense. I try not to watch.

32. Last movie you watched?
Next with Nicolas Cage. Cool concept. A little bit laboured in the script.

33. What colour shirt are you wearing?
White. $5 from Big W and it looks like it too.

34. Summer or winter?
The reason I got married in winter is because I cannot keep a face of makeup on in summer. The sweat pours down and I get red and sticky. So, yeah, winter.

35. Hugs or kisses?Hugs.

36. Favourite dessert?
fruit salad

39. What book are you reading now?
Some novel set in Jamaica, several on homeschooling and a few different cookbooks about gluten free diets.

40. What is on your mousepad?
We don't have a mouse pad.

41. What did you watch on tv last night?
Survivor - my favourite show and Wife Swap - my second favourite show.

...gee, there are a lot of questions. I'm getting tired.

42. Favourite sound?
birds and surf

43. Rolling stones or Beatles?
Beatles. I got addicted to them once when I was 13. I had to keep listening to Sgt Peppers' album over and over!

44. What is the furthest you have been from home?
Waco, Texas. Yes, ma'am!

45. Do you have a special talent?
I can fit my whole fist in my mouth.

46. Where were you born?
Tamworth, the home of Country Music. Yee ha!


In order that they may waste as much time on this as I have done, I tag Fairlie, Andrew and Jess.

Holt on learning

"Children learn from anything and everything they see. They learn wherever they are, not just in special learning places...We can best help children learn, not by deciding what we think they should learn and thinking of ingenious ways to teach it to them, but by making the world, as far as we can, accessible to them, paying serious attention to what they do, answering their questions and helping them explore the things they are most interested in."


From Learning All the Time by John Holt 1989, Perseus Books

2008

This year I would like to:

- complete my book and find a publisher

- improve my ability to teach and guide Bright Eyes in his therapy.

- learn more about the way people learn and/or teach

- read a lot of books

- read more of my Bible

- have relaxing days off (child-free) with my husband

- talk to lots of people

- lose 3kg and start Pilates again

- stay in Mittagong (but that's not really up to me)

Things I did today

Made plum jam (we have a plum tree).
Ate three strawberries, a cucumber and a yellow baby squash from the 'patch'.
Did the grocery shopping with three children. They were great helpers!
Cleaned out the fridge after seeing that nothing fitted in it when I went to put the groceries away. It was disgusting. (Next is the pantry cupboard???)
Stewed six peaches, rescued from the back of the fridge. Inedible fresh, but fine to cook.
Three loads of washing done from dirty, through to wet, hung out and then folded and put away.
Experimented making banana pancakes for Bright Eyes. He wouldn't eat them, but his sister loved them.*
Went for a swim in the neighbours pool.
Had a hot bath after the swim. (It was freezing).
Therapy with Bright Eyes.
Talked to my children.
Wiped up several litres of water from the kitchen floor. The baby loves to pour and re-pour from pot to kettle. He makes a mess, but he has fun, and it keeps the floor washed.
HAD NO NAP!
I feel normal again.

*Whizz a banana, an egg and some almond meal (or substituted flour or carbohydrate). Fry as per pikelets in a buttered pan. Apparently yummy, although I don't like bananas so I didn't partake.

Rebelling against the system

Because of my newly-found interest in homeschooling I have been doing lots of reading, including books by people I would formerly have dismissed as radical anarchists.

One is John Taylor Gatto, who presents in his book Dumbing us Down, his take on the seven things that you really learn at school.

1. Confusion.
Everything taught is out of context. Most curricula have a lack of coherence. Too much is taught, each thing unconnected to the next. Slavery, adjectives, dance, choir, computers, standardised tests, planets... the list goes on.

2. Class Position
Students stay in the place they are allotted to. Children are numbered. Everyone has a proper place in the pyramid and there is no way out of your class.

3. Indifference
Children are taught not to care too much about what they do. They are expected to be keen and enthusiastic about the lesson, but only for as long as the lesson takes. When the bell rings they must switch enthusiasm, turn on and off like a light switch.

4. Emotional Dependency
Privileges can be earned by pleasing the teacher. Children are taught to surrender their will and their self-worth to the predestinated chain of command.

5. Intellectual Dependency
Good students wait for a teacher to tell them what to do. The expert makes the important choices. We've built a way of life that depends on people doing what they are told because they don't know how to tell themselves what to do.

6. Provisional self-esteem
A child's self-respect should depend on expert opinion. What does the report say about a child? That's what they are worth! The lesson of report cards, grades and tests is that children should not trust themselves or their parents but should instead rely on the evaluation of certified officials. People need to be told what they are worth.

7. You can't hideS
Students are always under surveillance and there are no private spaces or private time for children. Homework continues the surveillance into the home. The meaning of this is that no-one can be trusted and privacy is not legitimate.

I feel like I'm exploring a whole other way of thinking. What do you think?

Really Useful Engines

I'm not a big fan of 'Thomas the Tank Engine theology'. It happens a lot in churches. People are only valued for what they do or their level of usefulness.

On the Island of Sodor, Thomas the Tank Engine's home, the engines are for the most part happy and contented little things... as long as they are working hard and being busy, but most importantly, following the orders of the Fat Controller.

The Fat Controller is King. He runs the show and tells everyone what to do. In one of our stories, he tells Thomas to go and pick up some new carriages.

"But..." says Thomas.

And, "Really Useful Engines don't argue," says the Fat Controller sternly, and Thomas wheeshes off sulking under his breath.

The engines have little opportunity to show initiative or individuality of thought. They certainly don't take holidays. Busy is best!

Sometimes it's easy to get into Thomas mode in church, where we all obey the minister, follow orders and don't think too much. As long as we're keeping busy and doing what we're told, we're valued, by the church and by God, apparently.

To a certain extent, of course church life must be a little bit like the Island of Sodor, in that we all have gifts we can use for the good of each other. Working together is better than individually. We are a body, and we are not to be lazy, in our lives or in our salvation. The trouble comes when we forget about rest, initiative, respect for all and the fact that we are all unique.

Friendship and small talk

I had a fun enough day that I felt energised enough to do some more work on my book about friendship.

Do you avoid making and maintaining social relationships through small talk? If so, why?

Is it because you are shy, angry or tired?
You might be an introvert who finds that talking to people takes a lot of energy. I’m introverted and I need my space, but my eight year old daughter is a complete extrovert. We differ in the amount of time we can spend with others, but we both need – and want - relationships. We just do it slightly differently.

When I’m angry, I often don’t feel like making the effort. Sometimes, however, that’s when I need others the most, to bring me some perspective, or some solace. There’s nothing as good at changing an angry mood as spending time with positive people.

Tiredness is another matter. That’s when I find it best to get into bed and get a decent night’s sleep. I’m far more able to cope with others after my eight hours.

Do you not really like people?
Do you fear others? Did you grow up in a family that kept others out or complained about people all the time? Have you been badly hurt by someone? It’s well worth exploring any issues there may be in your life, either by yourself or with a trusted friend or counsellor.

Are you too busy?
I’m an organised type of person who tends to be ‘task-oriented’. I focus on the job I’m doing, often to the exclusion of the people around me. I’ll leave a conversation so I can finish what I’m focusing on right then. Because I’m good at doing things, I also usually have about five things to do at once.

I often think, “Once I get everything done, I’ll sit down and talk.” The trouble is, everything is never done. And when it is, I find other things to do. Doing things makes me feel important and in control. Talking to people means giving up some of my importance and control, so it’s threatening.

Task-oriented people like me need to find a way to keep people as priority number one.

Do you avoid small talk because you simply lack the skills?
Some people did not grow up in families where these things were known or taught. As adults they avoid these kinds of interactions because they just don’t know how to do it.

If you’re no good at small talk, start listening to people who are good at it. You might pick up some tips.

Benazir

I felt sad and shocked to hear about the political assassination of Pakistan's Benazir Bhutto today.

You can't get rid of opposition by squashing it or killing it. The more force is used to suppress people, the more the potential for the eventual backlash will grow.

This will have big implications for our world.

Personally, I had an odd connection with Benazir. She was kept under house arrest for a large part of my primary schooling in the house across the road from our school in Karachi. I was scared of the bayonet-toting guards who patrolled her fence line and often thought about her not being able to go out and be free.

This week

Conjunctivitis. None of the children had it. Why did it happen to me? I’m a grownup!

Money. I'm feeling marginally better about the need for $72,000 to be raised by February to keep us here next year.

I decided that everything is uncertain, even when you don’t know it’s uncertain. Heck, I could die tomorrow. ("Morbid," says my husband. "As usual, you're thinking about death.")

Equally, everything is certain because God is in control. So there’s really no point worrying and I can’t do anything about it anyway, except send 160 Christmas cards out to everyone in the parish with a family photograph, just so they won’t forget who we are*.

Superhero. Apparently I am one because I jumped fully clothed into the pool yesterday to save the baby who had launched himself out from the step and was sinking down into the bottom, completely out of his depth.

Actually, it was a calculated move. I had already looked at the scenario of three little kids playing on the pool steps, thought about the possibility of any of them dying (Morbid? Or practical!) and decided that I would be prepared to get my white linen pants wet for the sake of a still-breathing child.

Metal detector. I used one for the first time on Saturday, in our garden, to look for the car key which the two year old mislaid. He loves keys and Must Have Them. Silly me let him play with them. They are not in the garden, so they must be inside... but where? Now, without a key to one of our cars, I am actively pursuing other ways to start it. Anyone know how to hotwire a '94 Saab 900i?


*I had already started doing the cards anyway before we were told about the financial situation. My intentions were completely honourable and relationship-oriented.

Christmas shopping

It's God's will...

I enjoy watching Survivor and analysing the behaviour of the winners and losers. Hearing the reasons why people think they've been voted out is very enlightening. Bossy ones think they are misunderstood and targeted. Lazy ones think they did their best. There's almost no-one who has a realistic or healthy view of their own achievements or efforts.

This week in Survivor China, Leslie, a Christian radio host was voted off. Why? According to her, it was God's will. She just came to love others for Christ. It was God who got her on, and it was God who took her out.

True enough, in a broad view.

The short-term, more human view, is that she was voted off because she was truly the most annoying person in the tribe. She was cloying, overly sweet, a little bit patronising, too talkative and extremely naive in the way she played the game.

I hate how Christians put all the blame on God for what happens to them, when if they just took a good look at themselves, they could see a whole lot of problems which cause their circumstances.

God might have put her on, but it was more likely the producers who could recognise an annoying team member when they saw one. And God might have taken her off, but it was her own behaviour to her tribemates which riled them enough to write her name down.

Investment or relationship?

“I made sure I invested in a few really good friends so that I would have enough support.”

“Those people are really good value.”

“These people are leaving our group? Oh well, they didn’t do anything anyway.”

If you hang around my circles you would have heard expressions like these frequently in the last couple of years.

I understand what the expressions mean, but they make me feel uncomfortable. They use the language of money, possession, acquisition and price for people and relationships.

It shows me that our culture continues to commodify people. We link value to achievement. We use friends for our own ends instead of enjoying a person for their own sake.

I scoured Proverbs recently, looking at its language of friendship. ‘Be’ a friend occurs many times. It’s the language of existence, identity and relationship.

On the other hand, the language around the concept of wealth and money brings up the ideas of deceitfulness, hoarding and never being satisfied.

I’m interested in the language of friendship you use.

Enough said

Yes. I think I am now the woman of a certain age.

Patience

This picture is proof that people can grow more patient.

Call me crazy, but I decided to cook with not one, but two little boys the other day. I never cooked anything with my first child when she was under three because I hated the mess. I certainly didn't let her get like this.

This time, however, I didn't really care. I'm so much better at cleaning it all up. Plus, I have both a washing machine and a bathtub, and enough water to use them.

The important thing was that the children had fun and did something together with me.

I used to wonder how patience grew. Change of attitude is key I think.

Christmas season

It got to the first of December and the children (well, I say 'children' but I mean 'child' - the only one who comprehends Christmas enough to know that there is a tree, and we have one and we can put it up) were desperate to decorate.

Pretty

This is a 'Double Delight' rose from our garden. We planted three bushes in autumn and they have gone crazy in the last few weeks.

There is nothing more beautiful than a vase of home-grown, fragrant roses.

Sorry, don't be offended!

I've been going to a support group at the early childhood intervention centre locally for a few weeks. The small group of ladies and the leader have been very frank about how we all cope with our difficult children, often to the point of using strong language.

It came out last week that I am a 'minister's wife', and I was amused this week to see the different attitude towards me, now that I'm classed somewhere in the 'holy, therefore easily offended' league in their minds.

The most amusing was from the leader who was advising another lady to not worry about what other people about her little boy's ADD behaviour. "Stuff 'em, it doesn't matter!" she said, and then turned to me with apologetic eyes. "Sorry, but you know what I mean."

Surely, either you care what other people think or you don't!

Personally I don't like it when people assume that I can't cope with their bad language. Heck, I watch TV like the next person. I know what's out there. I might not enjoy it if it's excessive, but I don't want to be apologised to as if I was so fragile and delicate and not able to cope with the evils of the world.

I wonder if Jesus got apologies for other people's use of bad language?

Quotable

Tears are God's washing machine for the soul.

Depressed? Try expressing yourself

The Bible was not written by Australians.

If Australians are depressed, they might say something like, "Mate, I've been, you know, a bit low... yeah."

In contrast, the Bible paints vivid word pictures to describe Job's depression.

Why is life given to a man whose way is hidden,
whom God has hedged in?
For sighing comes to me instead of food;
my groans pour out like water.
What I feared has come upon me;
what I dreaded has happened to me.
I have no peace, no quietness;
I have no rest, but only turmoil.
Job 2: 23-26

I like it that the writers of the Bible are not afraid to express sadness and fears in their fulness. I often try to minimise my own sad feelings because I think I'd be just 'going on' and having a whinge. So it's an encouragement to have words and thoughts bigger than my own when it comes to talking about how I feel.